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Post Reply "The Ultimate Team" by jadenik
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Posted 1/19/09
NOOOOO. Bad. SAD FACE. : (
ANGRY SURPRISED FACE. >:0
MORE SAD FACE. : (

Me not like. Crossovers bad...humor spontaneous combustion. Intelligence down. FAIL...like deep-frying sushi and then freezing b4 eatz. No laugh. Wince lotz.
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Posted 1/19/09
Any advice on how I can improve?
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Posted 1/20/09

jadenik wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

oh, sheesh. i'm not really against the references but... THIS SUCKS. there, i said it. i imagine you thought it'd be funny to string random events together with a poorly-told story and offensive material. SHEEESH.
you. can. do. better.


I wasn't exactly aiming for a good story, I'm never into comedy for the story


then, what.
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Posted 1/20/09

jadenik wrote:

Any advice on how I can improve?


before anything, improve your storytelling. insert jokes and references at the appropriate times, not randomly. improve your plot; just because your premise is zany doesn't mean the plot has to be garbage.
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Posted 1/20/09

jadenik wrote:

Any advice on how I can improve?


Atelier has already said the important things on that note, so I'd like to remind you about the things that are already good. You have genuinely funny spoof material in here. For example, the following line:



This line literally made me laugh out loud, which never happens with these stories.

Another very good example:



Although the joke is far from perfectly phrased, it gets the point across, and the point is hilarious.

Just wanted to remind you that you actually have the potential to make very funny jokes.
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Posted 1/20/09
You see I was actually aiming for so bad its good. This is actually is supposed to a parody of bad fanfics.
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Posted 1/20/09

jadenik wrote:

You see I was actually aiming for so bad its good. This is actually is supposed to a parody of bad fanfics.


There is one main problem: presentation. When you put this story up, you probably didn't realize that this group was going to judge it as if it were a serious story. Your story was the first to break the pattern in this group, and so people didn't recognize it for what it was, and thought you sucked at writing stories. I reccomend putting this story up on another website, because it's fairly funny. Just be sure to understand two things: your story, and your audience's expectations of your story.
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