First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
Post Reply "He Holds the World in his Fingers" By Rezzy64
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 1/12/09 , edited 9/25/10
Well here is a new story that I have come up with. It's a sort of a School Life story with romance and a bit of science fiction combined with a bit of fantasy. So rest assured that this story will be all over the place once it begins. Originally I wasn't planning on making this my next story to work on. I was planning on working on a totally different story but when I came up with this one I already had like the first three episodes in my head. So I figured, alright here's my new story. I plan on having a ton of fun with this one.
This story doesn't really have a main direction or story, but more it's supposed to be about a couple of characters that live their lives, so it's mostly supposed to be a bunch of small stories and stuff sort of like that.
I should also mention just in case if people get a little confused. The beginning is sort of a Narration., which in my book sort of counts like thinking so I put it in Italics, everything else that is in Italics after that is just supposed to be the character thinking (unless I say different.).

Okay please enjoy the story! ^_^

“He Holds the World in his Fingers”
Episode 1; The Project from Hell (Part 1)



Copyright 2009, Michael Reznick
All rights reserved.
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 1/15/09 , edited 1/15/09
This story's detail and style are so radically different from Bomb it Down, that it doesn't feel like they're both by you. Episode 1 of Bomb it Down was clearly raw and unedited, whereas this is a triumph of good grammar and carefully constructed detail.

Speaking of the form, it seems that I have finally met my match as far as episode length goes; out of curiousity, I copied the episode into a word document and formatted it in the same way I format my episodes. It came to eleven pages, considerably above the average page counts for both Urdumkeit and Chthonia, which were eight and nine and a half respectively.

I felt like the formatting for the dialogue is unfortunate. You don't use the most clear format. Here's an example of what I would reccomend:

"That's stupid," said Mary.

Sometimes you follow up a line of dialogue with a somewhat related, but still seperate idea in the same paragraph, rather than starting a new one. Example:

“Tobias, why do you continue to fail all of my tests? You seem to do the study work and homework just fine, so why do you refuse to do the tests?” The teacher looks at Tobias quizzically. He stops and does not react, he seems to give off a feeling of thinking.

Why is this all one paragraph?

There were also a couple of instances where certain words are capitalized for no reason at all, as if they were proper nouns. I don't remember where they were, and I don't have the time to spend sifting through for them.

Now, for the stuff that really matters.

The dialogue usually sounds quite natural (of course, Tobias's dialogue does not sound natural because it's not supposed to) I didn't feel pulled into your setting, but it was good enough.

I understand that lengthy explanations are all part of Tobias's schtick, but the way he talks is simply unpleasant to read. I don't want to have to read an absurd exposition on some tiny detail of his decisions any more than your characters want to hear them. His explanations are not only long, they are frequent. Half as many of these incidents would have sufficed to make your point about him (that he is logical, as well as a couple of other facts).

If that weren't enough, after everything that Tobias does, Mizuki has bits of narration that lengthen it all further. I know that you need to establish what she thinks about him, and that you plan to have a narrating voice with a lot of personality, but it is simply annoying to hear her think what we already knew she was thinking.

Now that criticism is over, some passing thoughts.

The question, of course, is this: Tobias is always talking about "things benefiting him" and how he doesn't see a point in doing it if it doesn't benefit him. What does Tobias actually value? What does he consider to be beneficial to himself? There has to be something, or he would never do anything. Perhaps he just does what he feels like.

Oh well. Bring on episode 2.
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 1/15/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:

This story's detail and style are so radically different from Bomb it Down, that it doesn't feel like they're both by you. Episode 1 of Bomb it Down was clearly raw and unedited, whereas this is a triumph of good grammar and carefully constructed detail.

Speaking of the form, it seems that I have finally met my match as far as episode length goes; out of curiousity, I copied the episode into a word document and formatted it in the same way I format my episodes. It came to eleven pages, considerably above the average page counts for both Urdumkeit and Chthonia, which were eight and nine and a half respectively.

I felt like the formatting for the dialogue is unfortunate. You don't use the most clear format. Here's an example of what I would reccomend:

"That's stupid," said Mary.

Sometimes you follow up a line of dialogue with a somewhat related, but still seperate idea in the same paragraph, rather than starting a new one. Example:

“Tobias, why do you continue to fail all of my tests? You seem to do the study work and homework just fine, so why do you refuse to do the tests?” The teacher looks at Tobias quizzically. He stops and does not react, he seems to give off a feeling of thinking.

Why is this all one paragraph?

There were also a couple of instances where certain words are capitalized for no reason at all, as if they were proper nouns. I don't remember where they were, and I don't have the time to spend sifting through for them.

Now, for the stuff that really matters.

The dialogue usually sounds quite natural (of course, Tobias's dialogue does not sound natural because it's not supposed to) I didn't feel pulled into your setting, but it was good enough.

I understand that lengthy explanations are all part of Tobias's schtick, but the way he talks is simply unpleasant to read. I don't want to have to read an absurd exposition on some tiny detail of his decisions any more than your characters want to hear them. His explanations are not only long, they are frequent. Half as many of these incidents would have sufficed to make your point about him (that he is logical, as well as a couple of other facts).

If that weren't enough, after everything that Tobias does, Mizuki has bits of narration that lengthen it all further. I know that you need to establish what she thinks about him, and that you plan to have a narrating voice with a lot of personality, but it is simply annoying to hear her think what we already knew she was thinking.

Now that criticism is over, some passing thoughts.

The question, of course, is this: Tobias is always talking about "things benefiting him" and how he doesn't see a point in doing it if it doesn't benefit him. What does Tobias actually value? What does he consider to be beneficial to himself? There has to be something, or he would never do anything. Perhaps he just does what he feels like.

Oh well. Bring on episode 2.


Ha ha! Yay! (<-- Excitement over my first criticism!)

Okay... So let me start with your comment about Bomb it Down... Yes what you said is true, I put a lot more detail and thinking into this than I did in Bomb it Down. The reason is because Bomb it Down came right off of the top of my Head and to tell the truth, I kind of don't find it as interesting as this story. It's sad but true.

Yes, I do know I still need to work on my formatting, I'm still getting used to it and how to put it all together. I'm sorry if my formatting still seems to be off, but I'm going to attempt to cut down a bit on the unimportant actions dialogue. Oh also the whole capitalized words for no reason, (lol) it's a really bad habit I've picked up through school that I'm trying to get rid of. That's the only simple way I can explain the unnecessary capitalization.

Yes I know Tobias's explanations are a little uncomfortable to read, even though he's purposely built like that, I think I will try to lighten up his explanations a little bit to get the point across but also not driving the reader completely insane. (lol)

I'm not going to lie, hearing that comment about Mizuki completely caught me off guard about her being annoying. So now that you have made me aware of that, I will be reading over the story again and paying attention to her narration to see if I can catch the annoyances. I will do my best to improve on her narration a bit.

Okay yes, Tobias's motives are fairly complicated and confusing but I plan on getting into that a bit more in episode two. I wont go too deep into his intentions because I want to establish them in some other episodes, but I promise I'll start giving you a better sense on why he does what he does in the next episode.

In fact I'm going to start working on episode two today because I got some serious free time on my hands right now.
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 1/15/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

This story's detail and style are so radically different from Bomb it Down, that it doesn't feel like they're both by you. Episode 1 of Bomb it Down was clearly raw and unedited, whereas this is a triumph of good grammar and carefully constructed detail.

Speaking of the form, it seems that I have finally met my match as far as episode length goes; out of curiousity, I copied the episode into a word document and formatted it in the same way I format my episodes. It came to eleven pages, considerably above the average page counts for both Urdumkeit and Chthonia, which were eight and nine and a half respectively.

I felt like the formatting for the dialogue is unfortunate. You don't use the most clear format. Here's an example of what I would reccomend:

"That's stupid," said Mary.

Sometimes you follow up a line of dialogue with a somewhat related, but still seperate idea in the same paragraph, rather than starting a new one. Example:

“Tobias, why do you continue to fail all of my tests? You seem to do the study work and homework just fine, so why do you refuse to do the tests?” The teacher looks at Tobias quizzically. He stops and does not react, he seems to give off a feeling of thinking.

Why is this all one paragraph?

There were also a couple of instances where certain words are capitalized for no reason at all, as if they were proper nouns. I don't remember where they were, and I don't have the time to spend sifting through for them.

Now, for the stuff that really matters.

The dialogue usually sounds quite natural (of course, Tobias's dialogue does not sound natural because it's not supposed to) I didn't feel pulled into your setting, but it was good enough.

I understand that lengthy explanations are all part of Tobias's schtick, but the way he talks is simply unpleasant to read. I don't want to have to read an absurd exposition on some tiny detail of his decisions any more than your characters want to hear them. His explanations are not only long, they are frequent. Half as many of these incidents would have sufficed to make your point about him (that he is logical, as well as a couple of other facts).

If that weren't enough, after everything that Tobias does, Mizuki has bits of narration that lengthen it all further. I know that you need to establish what she thinks about him, and that you plan to have a narrating voice with a lot of personality, but it is simply annoying to hear her think what we already knew she was thinking.

Now that criticism is over, some passing thoughts.

The question, of course, is this: Tobias is always talking about "things benefiting him" and how he doesn't see a point in doing it if it doesn't benefit him. What does Tobias actually value? What does he consider to be beneficial to himself? There has to be something, or he would never do anything. Perhaps he just does what he feels like.

Oh well. Bring on episode 2.


Ha ha! Yay! (<-- Excitement over my first criticism!)

Okay... So let me start with your comment about Bomb it Down... Yes what you said is true, I put a lot more detail and thinking into this than I did in Bomb it Down. The reason is because Bomb it Down came right off of the top of my Head and to tell the truth, I kind of don't find it as interesting as this story. It's sad but true.

Yes, I do know I still need to work on my formatting, I'm still getting used to it and how to put it all together. I'm sorry if my formatting still seems to be off, but I'm going to attempt to cut down a bit on the unimportant actions dialogue. Oh also the whole capitalized words for no reason, (lol) it's a really bad habit I've picked up through school that I'm trying to get rid of. That's the only simple way I can explain the unnecessary capitalization.

Yes I know Tobias's explanations are a little uncomfortable to read, even though he's purposely built like that, I think I will try to lighten up his explanations a little bit to get the point across but also not driving the reader completely insane. (lol)

I'm not going to lie, hearing that comment about Mizuki completely caught me off guard about her being annoying. So now that you have made me aware of that, I will be reading over the story again and paying attention to her narration to see if I can catch the annoyances. I will do my best to improve on her narration a bit.

Okay yes, Tobias's motives are fairly complicated and confusing but I plan on getting into that a bit more in episode two. I wont go too deep into his intentions because I want to establish them in some other episodes, but I promise I'll start giving you a better sense on why he does what he does in the next episode.

In fact I'm going to start working on episode two today because I got some serious free time on my hands right now.


Excellent. I will read it as soon as you release it.
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 1/15/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

This story's detail and style are so radically different from Bomb it Down, that it doesn't feel like they're both by you. Episode 1 of Bomb it Down was clearly raw and unedited, whereas this is a triumph of good grammar and carefully constructed detail.

Speaking of the form, it seems that I have finally met my match as far as episode length goes; out of curiousity, I copied the episode into a word document and formatted it in the same way I format my episodes. It came to eleven pages, considerably above the average page counts for both Urdumkeit and Chthonia, which were eight and nine and a half respectively.

I felt like the formatting for the dialogue is unfortunate. You don't use the most clear format. Here's an example of what I would reccomend:

"That's stupid," said Mary.

Sometimes you follow up a line of dialogue with a somewhat related, but still seperate idea in the same paragraph, rather than starting a new one. Example:

“Tobias, why do you continue to fail all of my tests? You seem to do the study work and homework just fine, so why do you refuse to do the tests?” The teacher looks at Tobias quizzically. He stops and does not react, he seems to give off a feeling of thinking.

Why is this all one paragraph?

There were also a couple of instances where certain words are capitalized for no reason at all, as if they were proper nouns. I don't remember where they were, and I don't have the time to spend sifting through for them.

Now, for the stuff that really matters.

The dialogue usually sounds quite natural (of course, Tobias's dialogue does not sound natural because it's not supposed to) I didn't feel pulled into your setting, but it was good enough.

I understand that lengthy explanations are all part of Tobias's schtick, but the way he talks is simply unpleasant to read. I don't want to have to read an absurd exposition on some tiny detail of his decisions any more than your characters want to hear them. His explanations are not only long, they are frequent. Half as many of these incidents would have sufficed to make your point about him (that he is logical, as well as a couple of other facts).

If that weren't enough, after everything that Tobias does, Mizuki has bits of narration that lengthen it all further. I know that you need to establish what she thinks about him, and that you plan to have a narrating voice with a lot of personality, but it is simply annoying to hear her think what we already knew she was thinking.

Now that criticism is over, some passing thoughts.

The question, of course, is this: Tobias is always talking about "things benefiting him" and how he doesn't see a point in doing it if it doesn't benefit him. What does Tobias actually value? What does he consider to be beneficial to himself? There has to be something, or he would never do anything. Perhaps he just does what he feels like.

Oh well. Bring on episode 2.


Ha ha! Yay! (<-- Excitement over my first criticism!)

Okay... So let me start with your comment about Bomb it Down... Yes what you said is true, I put a lot more detail and thinking into this than I did in Bomb it Down. The reason is because Bomb it Down came right off of the top of my Head and to tell the truth, I kind of don't find it as interesting as this story. It's sad but true.

Yes, I do know I still need to work on my formatting, I'm still getting used to it and how to put it all together. I'm sorry if my formatting still seems to be off, but I'm going to attempt to cut down a bit on the unimportant actions dialogue. Oh also the whole capitalized words for no reason, (lol) it's a really bad habit I've picked up through school that I'm trying to get rid of. That's the only simple way I can explain the unnecessary capitalization.

Yes I know Tobias's explanations are a little uncomfortable to read, even though he's purposely built like that, I think I will try to lighten up his explanations a little bit to get the point across but also not driving the reader completely insane. (lol)

I'm not going to lie, hearing that comment about Mizuki completely caught me off guard about her being annoying. So now that you have made me aware of that, I will be reading over the story again and paying attention to her narration to see if I can catch the annoyances. I will do my best to improve on her narration a bit.

Okay yes, Tobias's motives are fairly complicated and confusing but I plan on getting into that a bit more in episode two. I wont go too deep into his intentions because I want to establish them in some other episodes, but I promise I'll start giving you a better sense on why he does what he does in the next episode.

In fact I'm going to start working on episode two today because I got some serious free time on my hands right now.


Excellent. I will read it as soon as you release it.


Ugh... I've had a nasty case of writers block today... -_-"
I think I'll be able to get through it though... I'll work on it more tomorrow...
Moderator
73191 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
30 / F / in the land of tw...
Offline
Posted 1/16/09
Wow, great 2nd story, though is not my genra of experties... not good at that logic stuff, I was taking in by it and most importantly I kinds of stablished a good real life link with the characters, that is always good for a readerr to identify someone with the story being told.
O ver all good ep, good organization, though it took me a while to read, it was long. lol but in a good way, I wish I was able to write long eps like that, but my stories r not formated in that style. lol
What is the deal with that guy, he seems really intricked, his thoughts r very detailled and complex for someone his age, I got to admit, he got my attention. lol I can't wait for next ep, keep up the good work!
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 1/17/09

yaidoll wrote:

Wow, great 2nd story, though is not my genra of experties... not good at that logic stuff, I was taking in by it and most importantly I kinds of stablished a good real life link with the characters, that is always good for a readerr to identify someone with the story being told.
O ver all good ep, good organization, though it took me a while to read, it was long. lol but in a good way, I wish I was able to write long eps like that, but my stories r not formated in that style. lol
What is the deal with that guy, he seems really intricked, his thoughts r very detailled and complex for someone his age, I got to admit, he got my attention. lol I can't wait for next ep, keep up the good work!


Ha ha thanks Yai. I'm working on it right now and it should be posted in a few days.
Moderator
73191 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
30 / F / in the land of tw...
Offline
Posted 1/17/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Wow, great 2nd story, though is not my genra of experties... not good at that logic stuff, I was taking in by it and most importantly I kinds of stablished a good real life link with the characters, that is always good for a readerr to identify someone with the story being told.
O ver all good ep, good organization, though it took me a while to read, it was long. lol but in a good way, I wish I was able to write long eps like that, but my stories r not formated in that style. lol
What is the deal with that guy, he seems really intricked, his thoughts r very detailled and complex for someone his age, I got to admit, he got my attention. lol I can't wait for next ep, keep up the good work!


Ha ha thanks Yai. I'm working on it right now and it should be posted in a few days.


Haha, great to hear that, looking forward to read it.
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 1/20/09
Ugh... I'm still stuck working on the second episode... I'll try and get it done this week. I'm just having a bit of trouble trying to get to a certain part of the story... Just some writers block, as well as trying to work in a new character to the story.
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 1/21/09

Rezzy64 wrote:

Ugh... I'm still stuck working on the second episode... I'll try and get it done this week. I'm just having a bit of trouble trying to get to a certain part of the story... Just some writers block, as well as trying to work in a new character to the story.


Bleh...

I know that feeling.
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 1/21/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:

Ugh... I'm still stuck working on the second episode... I'll try and get it done this week. I'm just having a bit of trouble trying to get to a certain part of the story... Just some writers block, as well as trying to work in a new character to the story.


Bleh...

I know that feeling.


Seriously though... Also School work interferes a little bit, I'll see if I can get it done by this weekend.
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 7/22/09 , edited 9/25/10
Hello everybody! So to my surprise, some people really wanted me to come out with the next episode of this story and so now here it is. I was very skeptical about letting this series continue, mostly because I had lots of ideas for it but I had no real idea how to work with them, but I'm going to try my best to harness those ideas and let this series continue. This episode is a lot like the first episode, there is not a whole lot of action going on and there's a whole lot of talking. I'm just trying to get the background built up before it really takes off. Anyways I hope you all enjoy episode 2 of HHTWIHF!

“He Holds the World in his Fingers”

Episode 2; The project from Hell (Part 2)



Copyright 2009, Michael Reznick
All rights reserved.

Hey guys I hope you all enjoyed my newest episode. I just wanted to mention real quick, Yes I know that I did not write up a next episode preview. The reason why is I'm a little conflicted on how I'm going to do the next episode. So when I know for sure how I'm going to do the next episode, I will post a preview for it.
Thank you all for reading!
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 7/22/09
Good episode. It was considerably better than the first. The problem with episode 1 was that you spent too much time making Tobias different and not enough time making him actually a character. Episode 2 has developed him and him personality more clearly. The stuff Tobias talks about is more consistant this time around, in my opinion. I found some of the things he said to be actually intellectually fufilling, like the thing about history.

By the way, is it wrong that I imagine that I imagine Tobias as looking like Karasuma from School Rumble? Because they're a tiny bit alike.

Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 7/22/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:

Good episode. It was considerably better than the first. The problem with episode 1 was that you spent too much time making Tobias different and not enough time making him actually a character. Episode 2 has developed him and him personality more clearly. The stuff Tobias talks about is more consistant this time around, in my opinion. I found some of the things he said to be actually intellectually fufilling, like the thing about history.

By the way, is it wrong that I imagine that I imagine Tobias as looking like Karasuma from School Rumble? Because they're a tiny bit alike.



lol I have never heard of that show before that character looks really funny. Is the show any good?
I am glad you liked it. I really wanted to start getting into the more intellectual aspects of this story. Man, I am so glad you liked it because I was real worried about what people would think about the various topics I brought up in this episode. I mean mind you a lot of this character is also based on things that I think about philosophically and psychologically and such (except for the anti-social part...). So I was real worried that people wouldn't like it, that's also kind of why I tried to give up on the series. Then a couple friends of mine as well as some people on cunchyroll encouraged me to continue on it. So basically what I'm trying to say is I am really glad that you liked it intellectually, because it encourages me to continue he series. lol
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 7/23/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

Good episode. It was considerably better than the first. The problem with episode 1 was that you spent too much time making Tobias different and not enough time making him actually a character. Episode 2 has developed him and him personality more clearly. The stuff Tobias talks about is more consistant this time around, in my opinion. I found some of the things he said to be actually intellectually fufilling, like the thing about history.

By the way, is it wrong that I imagine that I imagine Tobias as looking like Karasuma from School Rumble? Because they're a tiny bit alike.



lol I have never heard of that show before that character looks really funny. Is the show any good?
I am glad you liked it. I really wanted to start getting into the more intellectual aspects of this story. Man, I am so glad you liked it because I was real worried about what people would think about the various topics I brought up in this episode. I mean mind you a lot of this character is also based on things that I think about philosophically and psychologically and such (except for the anti-social part...). So I was real worried that people wouldn't like it, that's also kind of why I tried to give up on the series. Then a couple friends of mine as well as some people on cunchyroll encouraged me to continue on it. So basically what I'm trying to say is I am really glad that you liked it intellectually, because it encourages me to continue he series. lol


I found the manga and anime of School Rumble to be amazingly funny. I would reccommend the manga.

Good luck with HWHTWIHF.
First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.