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"Beau and the Beast" by jadenik |
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** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Beau ran down the hallways tring to escape Mimi. "Damnit Mimi, leave me alone!", shouted Beau with tears in his eyes as she shouted at Mimi. "You know you can't escape my love, Beau, let me kiss you!!!", shouted Mimi as she jumped Beau and gave him a giant smack on the lips. "Mimi, for the last time I have a girlfriend!", said Beau. "Your girlfriend broke up with you because she got tired of girls hitting on you, silly!", said Mimi with a big smile as she got off Beau. Beau got up and brushed dirt off his clothes and took a sad sigh. "You had to remind me, didn't you?", said Beau. "You're going having to get over sometime,Beau", replied Mimi cheerfully. "Yeah you're right, but I;m getting tired of losing girlfriends just because others girls won't stop hitting on me on dates.", said Beau. "You ought to be happy, boys will love to have your life.", Mimi pointed out. "I would if I was some kinda playboy ,all I want is some commitment, a girl I can be happy with, but no, I have to be one of the hottest guys in school!", he said angrily. "You're weird beau, you can go far in life because you're pretty like me!", said Mimi with a big smile. "That's true, but I want get far in life with my own hands, not handed to me on a silver platter, and I want a gi thatrl not only appreciates for my looks but also for who I am., said Beau. "Mimi likes Beau for he is", said Mimi sadly. "Oh,Mimi, I like you, and you are pretty, but i only see you as a sister.", said Beau to cheer up Mimi. Mimi smiled woth a determined look and said,"Then Mimi will someday tget Beau to like her". "We'll see", said Beau with a smug smile. Suddenly, the bell rang. "See you later beau", shouted Mimi as she ran to get to class. "See you later,Mimi.", said Beau as he waved. Mimi and beau had been friends since childhood. When they got into middle school, and as Beau got mature, Mimi started to grow a big crush on him. Even though Mimi was a little bit annoying, Beau still liked her for a good friend. Beau was one of the best looking boys in school and many girls had crushes on him, it was still a problem to him. Every girl he dated broke up with him because of girls hitting on him on thier dates and would spread rumours that he was a playboy. Every girl either liked him for his handsome looks or though he was some jerk that would take advangtage of his handsomeness to date many woment at once. Beau pretty much fit his apperance. His mother is a french women who gave that name because she thought he would grow up to be good looking. Unfortuanley for him in a way, she was right. As Beau walked into class and sat down, The teacher rose up as a girl walked in. "Class, this is Haruno Hikairi, she's our new clasmate.', said the teahcer. "God, sh'es cute, maybe this can be another chance for me to get a girlfriend.", Beau though to him self. "I feel a suspicious vibe from her", said the student sitting next to him. That student was Seitome Shinji, a weird goth hose girlfirned and him was famous around the school for being mystrerious and shaving strage sounds and lights coming out of their houses at night. Rumour had they were a wizard and a witch who'd kidnap people and do terrible things to them. "You don't even know her.", said Beau with an annoyed look at Shinji. :Oh, but I've heard rumours about. Legend says that she hardly leaves at the house at night and that strange growlings come from her house.", he said with a werid smile. "I've heard that some incindents happened in the town she used to live and she was always absent from her house when they happened>" "That proves nothing, You're always making up stuff.', said Beau, annoyed at Shinji. "Excuse me ,were you two talking about me?", asked Hikairi, who had just heard their conversation. "I was, and I know what exatly what you are, Moster", said Shinji to Hikairi with an evil glare. "W-what the hell you're talking about?", said a slightly scared Hikairi. "LEAVE HER ALONE, SHINJI, YOU JACKASS!!', said an angry Beau. He jumped out of his seat. and jumped onto SHinji and started punching him. "ENOUGH,THE TWO OF YOU GO TO DETENION NOW!!!!", said The Teacher angirly as she pointed her finger to the doorway. The two of them marched out of the classroom and into the hallway. In the halls, Shinji turned his head to Beau and said "I'll get for this, Beau, you and those monster girl are gonna get it>', he said. ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Shinj and Beau sat together in the detenion room watching the clock tick. "Sorry about what I said ib the hall, I was a bit angry.", said Shinji as he stared at Beau with his pale yellow eyes. "Don't talk to me, that was the 8th time you accused someone of being a moster this week", said Beau, angry at shinji. "It was the 345th time this month, though this time I'm for serial that I'm right.", said Shinji with a detemined look. "Serial?God, you such a freaking weirdo, no wonder hardly anyone likes you.', said Beau as he tured his head away from Shnji. "Serialy, I'm right this time, my uncle taught me to sense this type of things.", said Shinji. "Your uncle, you mean that old guy with those errie bright green eyes, wears that strange looking dark blue robe, and is usually caugh raiding people"s trash can.", asked Beau. "Yeah, he does that to investigate.", said Shinji. "What exactly would he investigate to be raiding through garbage?", asked Beau with a werided out look. "You never know", said Shinji with a creepy smile. "God, mom is going to bitch to me again when I get home, she always nags to death", thought Beau to himself. "You're lucky to have a mom, my mom was killed by a monster.", said Shinji, frowning at Beau. "WHAT THE HELL!", said Beau as he nearly jumped out of his seat. "YOU READ MY FRICKING MIND!!". "Its kind of a sometimes ability, it onlys works between the hours of 2 p.m. and 10 p.m..", explained Shinji. "Thats odd, why does it work that ways", said Beau still surprised. "I don't know, just does>', said Shinji shrugging. 'They're right , you are a wizard", said Beau, so creeped out by Shinji that he went to the back of the detention hall. Suddenly, Shinji eyes started flashed so brightly that the lights lit up the whole room. The flashing then stopped and focused through his sunglasses to form a hologram. The hologram was of a young man with long blonde hair with black eye shadow and a long black robe. He had the same exact weird stare that shinji had most of the time. "Hey Shinji,buddy.", said the blonde man with a voice with a voice that was like a hoarse, whispering voice,", Uncle Hiro wants you to patrol the city area tonight while I patrol the neighborhoods after you get out of school", he said. The blonde then looked at a shcoked Beau ,who was now backing up against the wall. 'Delicious looking friend you got there, he needs a little sauce though, he'll be of the best meanls I've had in awhile", he said licking his lips with a long violent tounge. The look that the blonde man gave him nearly cause Beau to wet himself. "See ya later shinji, you better hope your friend doesn't see me or it'll be the last view he'll have.', said the blonde man, and then the hologram vanished. "W-w-what the hell was that?", asked Beau who never have been that scarred all his young life. "Oh that my cousin, Ken,thoguh I disagree with him. You'd probaly taste awful>', said Shinji with his usual grin. "That. was. the. most. fucked. up thing I ever saw in my life. That isn't even something I 've seen in a low grade horror movie.", said Beau still shocked. "I'm getting the hell out of here.", and he ran out of the detention room into the hallway. While running in the hallway, he accidentally bumped into a girl about his age and landed on the floor. The girl was Karin, shinji's girlfriend. Karin dress up in a gothic lolita outfit and scared people with those inhuman red eyes and those weird skull tatoos she had on her arms nad her tall height. "Sorry about that Shinji.", she said offering her hand to Beau in order o help help up. "Look, no offense, I just experienced one of the weirdest events and a cannibal wanted to eat me", said Shinji, still freaked out. "I am not going to get any sleep tonight because some sick-o is going to be stalkining the streets possibly looking for me..' "Oh, you mean Ken?", said Karin. "Oh you have to sleep with a knife hidden, and you have no worries, its work every time he looks at me in a funny way.", she said with a bright and cheerful smile. Desptie, her looks, Karin always smiled cheerfully, no matter what. Beau got up and brushed off his clothes. "You live with that sicko?" "No, but he visits sometimes.', said Karin. "how can he standing living with Shinji when you're actually sane?", asked Beau confused as to why she would even go out with Shinji. "He different from other guys, plus he "helped" me with my issues with my dad", she said with a playful giggle as she said "Helped" as she walked. "I didn't the way she said "helped"", Beau said to himself. Rumour had it that Karin's father was abusive and that shinji helped Karin start the fire that burned her house and her dad with it. After the stressful encounters with Shinji and Karin, Beau went to a alley to smoke to relax. "I swear,if I keep encountering Shinji, I'm gonna lung cancer by the time I graduate". As he puffed smoke, he heard some footsteps beside him. "Mind if I have a cigaratte, my mom took my pack away", said the person standing next to him. He looked to his side and and it as the girl from class, Hikairi. "H-h-hikairi!", he said. "S-sure!" and lit up her one. So, they started smoking together. "Your'e one of the few people I've met who dn't bitch to me about my smoking.", he said relieved. "I can't even one past my mom, it's like she has a special sixth sense." "Yeah, my mom gets onto me too, she complains to me that its bad for my health.", said Hikairi. "So, your mom is over-protective too?', Beau asked. "Overprotective is an understatement when decsribing my mom, she's so overbearing to my brother and me.", annswered Hikairi. "And I thought my mom was bad.",said Beau. 'Enough about our moms,I heard you ran out of detetion today", said Hikairi. "Let's just say spending more than five minutes wit Shinji is a very weird and uncomfarable experience."frowned Beau thinking of the odd detenion he had. "I know, i wanted to kick his ass when he accused me of being a monster, thanks for earlier by the way.", said Hikair,annoyed at the thought of Shinji. "Y-you're welcome", said Beau blushing. "So, what's up with the murders i heard about in your old town?", "Oh, there was a serial killer on the loose.", said Hikairi. "He got caught, but my mom got scared for me and my brother,Taichi, and had us moved.". "It was a shitty place anyway.", she added. "Well, see ya later.", said Beau as he walked away, "Hey,Beau", shouted Hikairi. Beau turned towards her." We should hang out some time again soon.", she said and then she walked away. Beau that night couldn't sleep that well since all he could think about was Ken. Even the knife didn't make him feel safe. He then decided to take another knife and take a drive to calm him down. His mother to work tonight, so she wouldn't kno that he had gone out at night. Beau got into his old mustang and rode to the park. "There is no way Ken can catch me in my car and he definately won't be inthe park tonight since it is near the city area", he tohghut to himself. Suddenly, something furry zoomed across the road. This caused to Beau to halt his car. When he turned on his headlights, nothing was there. "I must be tired.",thoght Beau. Beau finally arrived at the park.and got out and sat in a nearby park bench. He then started smoking a cigaratte. As time passed, he fell asleep. He awoke a few minuts later to hear rustling in the trees behind him. He got up to investigate, As he ventured deeper in the park , he came to an open clearing. He then heard rusting in the trees all around him. "What the hell's happening?', Beau saud to himself. All the trees stopped rustling except the one in front of him. The tree rustled faster and faster . Beau felt his heart beating faster and faster. The tree ruslted more and more. Beau wanted to run but he couldn't. It was as if he was frozen with fear. He cou;dn't take his eyes off the tree. He heart pounded along with the tree, Suddenly, the tree stopped. Nothing came out. Beau took a sigh of relief. "I guess it was nothing'. Beau said to himself. As he finshed his sentence, he felt a long tounge lick his neck. Blonde hair draped his shoulders. "Hello Beau, its nice to see you out, said a hoarse whisper. ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** "You like so delicious, I could just you all up but very slowly. I don't like to wolf my food. But I just ate earlier, so I'll have just a small snack". sadi Ken with a hungry look in his face. Ken open up his mouth widely to reveal rows of teeth sharp as a sharl's jaws. Beau reacted qucikly and pulled out of his knives out from his pocket and stabbed Ken in the stomach. Ken let go of Beau and hissed in pain. Beau turned around and stabbed Ken again with the knife. Ken dropped to his knees , letting out an ever louder hiss in pain. "That take, you sick bastard", said Beau as he stabbed Ken again. Beau was about to stab Ken again until Ken grabbed his hand before it could reach him. "You're one of the most annoying prey I've ever encountered. Now, I'm really going to eat you entirely even though it'll go to my thighs.", said Ken with an annoyed expression. Ken then squirted a strange venom into Beau's eyes. Beau yelled in pain and cover his eyes, dropping his knife. Ken then got up adn sank his jaws into Beau's shoulder. He held Beau tightly and licked the blood from Beau's wound. "Please excuse, I like to play with my food a little bit.", said Ken as he gladly licked the wound on Beau's shoulder. Beau schreeched in terror, crying for help. "Hush,I like my meals to be quiet, you're lucky I'm letting you live for awhile longer", scolded Ken. Beau reached into his other ocket with a shaking hand and got out the other knife he brought with him. He tthen slashed Ken on the side of ihs torso, causing to let go. Beau then tried to Ken, but he was still temporliy blind. He tried to slash Ken several times, each time Ken dodged with ease. "Such a pathetic way for a prey to go down, trying in vain to struggle for its life. What a shame, I'll put of your misery now." said Ken, who felt sorry for Beau. Ken then tried to approach Beau who was still slashing repeatedly in order to drive Ken off his front. Ken got slashed when he appraoched Beau. This annoyed him, so he tried jumped over Beauand grabbed ahold of Beau's neck. He held Beau's neck with a iron might, causing Beau to fropped his other knife. Beau's life flashed before his eyes. He remembered things he wanted to foget, The father who left him and his mother. The terrible illnes that nearly took his life whem he was nine. His pet dog getting ran over by a car. everything was going dark as he lost more and more air until he breathed no more. Ken then let go of Beau and watched him dropped to the ground. "Hmm, I can still sense that he's alive. Oh well, I'l finish him with my dinner knives.", Ken said to himself. He then looked around the area with digust. "its filthy to eat here, bugs will get all my meal, and my favorite robe will get stained. I'll have to eat at Uncle Hiro's house, even though it has tacky furniture.", said ken. Suddenly, Ken heard something rushing through trees. "What's that? It can't be my wind magic. " said Ken with a puzzled look. Something furry jumped out of the trees. It stood on fours and and had glowing green eyes. It had dark brown fur that was straight and prickly. It had a head of a wolf and the claws of a lion. It stood five feet high and eight feet long. Its feet were bigger than Ken's head. It's tail was long, and like a scorpion's. "Well lucky me,its just the thing i was looking for.", said Ken with a smirk. "You curused humans sure do have bad, I wonder who comes with these strange designs for you poor creatures." The creature just stood and started at Ken with its wide eyes. "My ,aren't we creepy? Now' let's put you out of your misery. Wind Magic, Spinning Death Cyclone". Ken shot a large cyclone wfilled with many shurikens at the strange creature. The beast jumped over the cyclone and leaped at Ken at speeds that even he couldn't outrun. It landed at Ken and had his head under its claw and Beau under its belly. Ken, for one of the first times in his life, was frighthened. "D-d-d-don't hurt me, take the boy. You have him, I can find another meal.", begged Ken. The beast took its claw of Ken's head. Ken got up and bowed before it. "Thank you, thank you, I'll never bother you again. I always keep my promises, I swear", said Ken who had never been more thankful in his life. Suddenly, the beast struck's Ken's wound with its stinger. Ken looked at the beast with pain. "Why, why have you struck me?". The beast then withdrew its stinger and wrapped its tail around Ken. It raised Ken into the air. Ken took one more look at the beast and could swore it was grinning a michevious grin. It drew Ken backwards and then flung Ken into the air and voer the trees. The beast backed up and grabbed Beau with its tail and put him on its back. The beast then rushed outta the park and into the woods behind it, never to be seen again that night by anyone else. As for Ken , he landed on his back on the edge of the park. He was in massive pain. Not only because his back was broken, but also becuase his favorite robe was all dirty and would take a long time to get the stains out. Beau woke up for a little bit to find that it was still night out and that the beast stood before him smiling. "Saionji", said the Beast. "W-what?", said Beau who was still weak. "My name is Saionji" said the beast. The sun arose and Beau could the Beast chainging. He was too weak to fully see the transformation as was faiting. The last thing he could see was the shape of a human. Meanwhile, at a old house with peeling yellow paint, an old man with a dark blue robe and long grey hair sat upon the porch watchnig the sun rise. Shinji walked towards the old man carrying an unconcious Ken in his arms. "The beasts got im', didn't they?" said the old man. "Apparently they did, I found Ken outside the park with a broken back , complainng about how dirty his robe was"., said Shinji. "Bring him inside and I'll fix him up, what about your patrol?", asked the old man. "Nothing sir, it seems Ken was the lucky one tonight. I',ve been searching around for weeks and haven't found one yet.", said Shinji. "We'll get em' next time and when we do, we'll send them back to hell", said the old man. "I'd love too see that place for myself, it sounds fun.'< said Shinji with a grin. |
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jadenik wrote: ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Beau ran down the hallways tring to escape Mimi. "Damnit Mimi, leave me alone!", shouted Beau with tears in his eyes as she shouted at Mimi. "You know you can't escape my love, Beau, let me kiss you!!!", shouted Mimi as she jumped Beau and gave him a giant smack on the lips. "Mimi, for the last time I have a girlfriend!", said Beau. "Your girlfriend broke up with you because she got tired of girls hitting on you, silly!", said Mimi with a big smile as she got off Beau. Beau got up and brushed dirt off his clothes and took a sad sigh. "You had to remind me, didn't you?", said Beau. "You're going having to get over sometime,Beau", replied Mimi cheerfully. "Yeah you're right, but I;m getting tired of losing girlfriends just because others girls won't stop hitting on me on dates.", said Beau. "You ought to be happy, boys will love to have your life.", Mimi pointed out. "I would if I was some kinda playboy ,all I want is some commitment, a girl I can be happy with, but no, I have to be one of the hottest guys in school!", he said angrily. "You're weird beau, you can go far in life because you're pretty like me!", said Mimi with a big smile. "That's true, but I want get far in life with my own hands, not handed to me on a silver platter, and I want a gi thatrl not only appreciates for my looks but also for who I am., said Beau. "Mimi likes Beau for he is", said Mimi sadly. "Oh,Mimi, I like you, and you are pretty, but i only see you as a sister.", said Beau to cheer up Mimi. Mimi smiled woth a determined look and said,"Then Mimi will someday tget Beau to like her". "We'll see", said Beau with a smug smile. Suddenly, the bell rang. "See you later beau", shouted Mimi as she ran to get to class. "See you later,Mimi.", said Beau as he waved. Mimi and beau had been friends since childhood. When they got into middle school, and as Beau got mature, Mimi started to grow a big crush on him. Even though Mimi was a little bit annoying, Beau still liked her for a good friend. Beau was one of the best looking boys in school and many girls had crushes on him, it was still a problem to him. Every girl he dated broke up with him because of girls hitting on him on thier dates and would spread rumours that he was a playboy. Every girl either liked him for his handsome looks or though he was some jerk that would take advangtage of his handsomeness to date many woment at once. Beau pretty much fit his apperance. His mother is a french women who gave that name because she thought he would grow up to be good looking. Unfortuanley for him in a way, she was right. As Beau walked into class and sat down, The teacher rose up as a girl walked in. "Class, this is Haruno Hikairi, she's our new clasmate.', said the teahcer. "God, sh'es cute, maybe this can be another chance for me to get a girlfriend.", Beau though to him self. "I feel a suspicious vibe from her", said the student sitting next to him. That student was Seitome Shinji, a weird goth hose girlfirned and him was famous around the school for being mystrerious and shaving strage sounds and lights coming out of their houses at night. Rumour had they were a wizard and a witch who'd kidnap people and do terrible things to them. "You don't even know her.", said Beau with an annoyed look at Shinji. :Oh, but I've heard rumours about. Legend says that she hardly leaves at the house at night and that strange growlings come from her house.", he said with a werid smile. "I've heard that some incindents happened in the town she used to live and she was always absent from her house when they happened>" "That proves nothing, You're always making up stuff.', said Beau, annoyed at Shinji. "Excuse me ,were you two talking about me?", asked Hikairi, who had just heard their conversation. "I was, and I know what exatly what you are, Moster", said Shinji to Hikairi with an evil glare. "W-what the hell you're talking about?", said a slightly scared Hikairi. "LEAVE HER ALONE, SHINJI, YOU JACKASS!!', said an angry Beau. He jumped out of his seat. and jumped onto SHinji and started punching him. "ENOUGH,THE TWO OF YOU GO TO DETENION NOW!!!!", said The Teacher angirly as she pointed her finger to the doorway. The two of them marched out of the classroom and into the hallway. In the halls, Shinji turned his head to Beau and said "I'll get for this, Beau, you and those monster girl are gonna get it>', he said. WHOA TIGER!!!! Slow down there Buddy. Okay... So first things first... I can see you're a bit excited to get this story out there but you are really going to have to bring the pace down to a much slower rate. Moves WAY to fast. Also the character development is going to have to drag out a bit more than the small narrations that you provided us with, cause with what I just read you got some seriously paper thin characters. Try a few more conversations, show more interaction between them. Maybe show how they react differently to each other and their surroundings. I'm not going to say much about the overall story because it's your story, but what I will say is that It's kind of obvious where it's going and it's a wee bit boring... Just spice it up a bit okay? I really hope this information helps you out! Keep posting, I'm looking forward to more work! |
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Don't you dare send me a friend request unless you've read one of my pages.
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Rezzy64 wrote: jadenik wrote: ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Beau ran down the hallways tring to escape Mimi. "Damnit Mimi, leave me alone!", shouted Beau with tears in his eyes as she shouted at Mimi. "You know you can't escape my love, Beau, let me kiss you!!!", shouted Mimi as she jumped Beau and gave him a giant smack on the lips. "Mimi, for the last time I have a girlfriend!", said Beau. "Your girlfriend broke up with you because she got tired of girls hitting on you, silly!", said Mimi with a big smile as she got off Beau. Beau got up and brushed dirt off his clothes and took a sad sigh. "You had to remind me, didn't you?", said Beau. "You're going having to get over sometime,Beau", replied Mimi cheerfully. "Yeah you're right, but I;m getting tired of losing girlfriends just because others girls won't stop hitting on me on dates.", said Beau. "You ought to be happy, boys will love to have your life.", Mimi pointed out. "I would if I was some kinda playboy ,all I want is some commitment, a girl I can be happy with, but no, I have to be one of the hottest guys in school!", he said angrily. "You're weird beau, you can go far in life because you're pretty like me!", said Mimi with a big smile. "That's true, but I want get far in life with my own hands, not handed to me on a silver platter, and I want a gi thatrl not only appreciates for my looks but also for who I am., said Beau. "Mimi likes Beau for he is", said Mimi sadly. "Oh,Mimi, I like you, and you are pretty, but i only see you as a sister.", said Beau to cheer up Mimi. Mimi smiled woth a determined look and said,"Then Mimi will someday tget Beau to like her". "We'll see", said Beau with a smug smile. Suddenly, the bell rang. "See you later beau", shouted Mimi as she ran to get to class. "See you later,Mimi.", said Beau as he waved. Mimi and beau had been friends since childhood. When they got into middle school, and as Beau got mature, Mimi started to grow a big crush on him. Even though Mimi was a little bit annoying, Beau still liked her for a good friend. Beau was one of the best looking boys in school and many girls had crushes on him, it was still a problem to him. Every girl he dated broke up with him because of girls hitting on him on thier dates and would spread rumours that he was a playboy. Every girl either liked him for his handsome looks or though he was some jerk that would take advangtage of his handsomeness to date many woment at once. Beau pretty much fit his apperance. His mother is a french women who gave that name because she thought he would grow up to be good looking. Unfortuanley for him in a way, she was right. As Beau walked into class and sat down, The teacher rose up as a girl walked in. "Class, this is Haruno Hikairi, she's our new clasmate.', said the teahcer. "God, sh'es cute, maybe this can be another chance for me to get a girlfriend.", Beau though to him self. "I feel a suspicious vibe from her", said the student sitting next to him. That student was Seitome Shinji, a weird goth hose girlfirned and him was famous around the school for being mystrerious and shaving strage sounds and lights coming out of their houses at night. Rumour had they were a wizard and a witch who'd kidnap people and do terrible things to them. "You don't even know her.", said Beau with an annoyed look at Shinji. :Oh, but I've heard rumours about. Legend says that she hardly leaves at the house at night and that strange growlings come from her house.", he said with a werid smile. "I've heard that some incindents happened in the town she used to live and she was always absent from her house when they happened>" "That proves nothing, You're always making up stuff.', said Beau, annoyed at Shinji. "Excuse me ,were you two talking about me?", asked Hikairi, who had just heard their conversation. "I was, and I know what exatly what you are, Moster", said Shinji to Hikairi with an evil glare. "W-what the hell you're talking about?", said a slightly scared Hikairi. "LEAVE HER ALONE, SHINJI, YOU JACKASS!!', said an angry Beau. He jumped out of his seat. and jumped onto SHinji and started punching him. "ENOUGH,THE TWO OF YOU GO TO DETENION NOW!!!!", said The Teacher angirly as she pointed her finger to the doorway. The two of them marched out of the classroom and into the hallway. In the halls, Shinji turned his head to Beau and said "I'll get for this, Beau, you and those monster girl are gonna get it>', he said. WHOA TIGER!!!! Slow down there Buddy. Okay... So first things first... I can see you're a bit excited to get this story out there but you are really going to have to bring the pace down to a much slower rate. Moves WAY to fast. Also the character development is going to have to drag out a bit more than the small narrations that you provided us with, cause with what I just read you got some seriously paper thin characters. Try a few more conversations, show more interaction between them. Maybe show how they react differently to each other and their surroundings. I'm not going to say much about the overall story because it's your story, but what I will say is that It's kind of obvious where it's going and it's a wee bit boring... Just spice it up a bit okay? I really hope this information helps you out! Keep posting, I'm looking forward to more work! :D Thanks for the advice. |
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jadenik wrote: Rezzy64 wrote: jadenik wrote: ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Beau ran down the hallways tring to escape Mimi. "Damnit Mimi, leave me alone!", shouted Beau with tears in his eyes as she shouted at Mimi. "You know you can't escape my love, Beau, let me kiss you!!!", shouted Mimi as she jumped Beau and gave him a giant smack on the lips. "Mimi, for the last time I have a girlfriend!", said Beau. "Your girlfriend broke up with you because she got tired of girls hitting on you, silly!", said Mimi with a big smile as she got off Beau. Beau got up and brushed dirt off his clothes and took a sad sigh. "You had to remind me, didn't you?", said Beau. "You're going having to get over sometime,Beau", replied Mimi cheerfully. "Yeah you're right, but I;m getting tired of losing girlfriends just because others girls won't stop hitting on me on dates.", said Beau. "You ought to be happy, boys will love to have your life.", Mimi pointed out. "I would if I was some kinda playboy ,all I want is some commitment, a girl I can be happy with, but no, I have to be one of the hottest guys in school!", he said angrily. "You're weird beau, you can go far in life because you're pretty like me!", said Mimi with a big smile. "That's true, but I want get far in life with my own hands, not handed to me on a silver platter, and I want a gi thatrl not only appreciates for my looks but also for who I am., said Beau. "Mimi likes Beau for he is", said Mimi sadly. "Oh,Mimi, I like you, and you are pretty, but i only see you as a sister.", said Beau to cheer up Mimi. Mimi smiled woth a determined look and said,"Then Mimi will someday tget Beau to like her". "We'll see", said Beau with a smug smile. Suddenly, the bell rang. "See you later beau", shouted Mimi as she ran to get to class. "See you later,Mimi.", said Beau as he waved. Mimi and beau had been friends since childhood. When they got into middle school, and as Beau got mature, Mimi started to grow a big crush on him. Even though Mimi was a little bit annoying, Beau still liked her for a good friend. Beau was one of the best looking boys in school and many girls had crushes on him, it was still a problem to him. Every girl he dated broke up with him because of girls hitting on him on thier dates and would spread rumours that he was a playboy. Every girl either liked him for his handsome looks or though he was some jerk that would take advangtage of his handsomeness to date many woment at once. Beau pretty much fit his apperance. His mother is a french women who gave that name because she thought he would grow up to be good looking. Unfortuanley for him in a way, she was right. As Beau walked into class and sat down, The teacher rose up as a girl walked in. "Class, this is Haruno Hikairi, she's our new clasmate.', said the teahcer. "God, sh'es cute, maybe this can be another chance for me to get a girlfriend.", Beau though to him self. "I feel a suspicious vibe from her", said the student sitting next to him. That student was Seitome Shinji, a weird goth hose girlfirned and him was famous around the school for being mystrerious and shaving strage sounds and lights coming out of their houses at night. Rumour had they were a wizard and a witch who'd kidnap people and do terrible things to them. "You don't even know her.", said Beau with an annoyed look at Shinji. :Oh, but I've heard rumours about. Legend says that she hardly leaves at the house at night and that strange growlings come from her house.", he said with a werid smile. "I've heard that some incindents happened in the town she used to live and she was always absent from her house when they happened>" "That proves nothing, You're always making up stuff.', said Beau, annoyed at Shinji. "Excuse me ,were you two talking about me?", asked Hikairi, who had just heard their conversation. "I was, and I know what exatly what you are, Moster", said Shinji to Hikairi with an evil glare. "W-what the hell you're talking about?", said a slightly scared Hikairi. "LEAVE HER ALONE, SHINJI, YOU JACKASS!!', said an angry Beau. He jumped out of his seat. and jumped onto SHinji and started punching him. "ENOUGH,THE TWO OF YOU GO TO DETENION NOW!!!!", said The Teacher angirly as she pointed her finger to the doorway. The two of them marched out of the classroom and into the hallway. In the halls, Shinji turned his head to Beau and said "I'll get for this, Beau, you and those monster girl are gonna get it>', he said. WHOA TIGER!!!! Slow down there Buddy. Okay... So first things first... I can see you're a bit excited to get this story out there but you are really going to have to bring the pace down to a much slower rate. Moves WAY to fast. Also the character development is going to have to drag out a bit more than the small narrations that you provided us with, cause with what I just read you got some seriously paper thin characters. Try a few more conversations, show more interaction between them. Maybe show how they react differently to each other and their surroundings. I'm not going to say much about the overall story because it's your story, but what I will say is that It's kind of obvious where it's going and it's a wee bit boring... Just spice it up a bit okay? I really hope this information helps you out! Keep posting, I'm looking forward to more work! :D Thanks for the advice. No problem man, just don't be discouraged because your idea looks really good! I wanna see it go far and read it in all of it's Anime Goodness! |
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um, what to say? generic story, boring, fast-paced execution. there's not much going for it, to be honest.
suggestions: flesh out your characters, they're too stereotypical. please, try being a wee bit different. overall, make it a bit more interesting. add drama, or comedy. or just make another story. |
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fated to forever tread that endless path.
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