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Post Reply "Numbers" by gaelanisdabomb

Rookie gaelanisdabomb 47 cr points Send Message: 20 / M / cali Offline	Permalink Reply Quote Posted 1/18/09, edited 1/18/09 Numbers written by Gaelan O'Neill Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show Narrator-"Some say time is just near its end. Some say that soon our world will be restarted. Some say soon the end is near." It is dark and all you can see is shadows. Very blurry. You see the outline of a figure walking. It looks like this person is sleep walking. You can't make out anything. Fade to black. HELP!!! HELP!!!! you hear screaming in the background (the screen still black) fades into the shot of a mans face this man is a middle aged man who has a five o'clock shadow. He has big brown eye and brown hair. His eyes are wide and he looks like he is working something out in his mind. "Sarge.. what do you think happened here?" -says a police officer "I'm not sure.. but this guy is sick" - says the Sarge Goes to shot of victim laying on the bed with blood stained sheets. The wrists are cut and on the bed sheets are five symbols "ϡʹ ϡʹ σʹ ιʹβʹ" Shot of police station Shot of sarge sitting at his desk looking at the five symbols written down on a piece of paper Narrator-(says as Sarge is writing the report) "Victim was a male. Japanese. Young twenties. Found this morning at 8:00 A.M. There are no witnesses of the murder. Possible suicide. Victims wrists were cut and on the bed written in the victims blood were five symbols "ϡʹ ϡʹ σʹ ιʹβʹ. It is said that the victim had been admitted after he was stated to be in a comma.... "Sarge!" says another police officer as he barges through the door. "We have found a translator who was able to translate the code. It was written in old Greek numbering system or also known as Milesian numerals. The translator told us that it was a series of numbers. ϡʹ-900 σʹ-200 ιʹ-10 βʹ- 2" "Good work Officer Shino"- Sarge "What do you think that these numbers mean?"- Shino "I don't know but this is a curious case and something just doesn't seem right. A young man in his twenties goes into an comma and then a day later early in the morning he is murdered. It couldn't be suicide because there is no way a person could do such thing in his state. I don't know whats really going on but i'm gonna get down to it. Tomorrow i'm going to go investigate and interview some doctors. Someone in this hospital has to know something."- Sarge "Well sir if there is anything i can do you know where to find me"- Shino "At the local strip club.. right.."-Sarge "Very funny sir"-Sarge shot of symbols fades to black shot of early morning church and a cross shot of the clouds moving across the sky shot of the hospital where this has taken place shot of sarge in the room where this has happened Sarge is inspecting the whole place. He finds nothing. Narrator- "The date is February 12, 2011. Some say that the world was built by God in a matter of minutes. If can be built in a matter of minutes like some philosophies say...can the human raise be restarted in a matter of seconds? Are minutes the only thing holding us together? Are they really the glue that is sticking this world to life? Or is just another theory... like Y2K?" The next day February 13, 2011 RING RING RING RING! Shot of the phone rings two times and Sarge picks up still drowsy and sleepy "Sarge... wake up! Sarge can you hear me? Wake your old ass up!!" Says Officer Shino. "Sarge another person has been admitted into the hospital with a state of comma. A young women in her twenties.. do you think this could have any traces to the other case?" "When did she arrive?"-Sarge "12:00 this afternoon"- Shino "What time is it now?"-Sarge "2:00"-Shino "I'm on my way. Meet me there okay." -Sarge Sarge hangs up the phone Sarge gets up and puts on his clothes. On the bed behind him lays his naked wife. A beautiful lady with brown hair. One breast peaks out from the covers. Shot of the highways Shot of the clock 2:06 changes to 2:07 Narrator-"Are we just tiny ants.... eating away the glue that keeps this world... our world together? If there are parallel universes and if they do in fact change by our every single choice... every single breath.. every single move. Do they end up at the same fate we all do? If we did something different.... would our doomsday be different. Or are we just rag dolls waiting to be thrown to the afterlife?" (These shots happen during the narrator's dialogue) Shot of city Shot of hospital Shot of the city and people walking Birds eye view of the towns and buildings and houses Shot of a manual clock that stops ticking and fade to black...
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Moderator Rezzy64 8468 cr points Send Message: 21 / M / California Offline	Permalink Reply Quote Posted 1/18/09 Ha ha! I actually really liked this, I mean sure it had quite a few problems but actually I thought this was quite epic. I want to point out the things that I really enjoyed about this. I thought that even though the characters moved and acted a bit too fast the pace itself was quite good. It obviously wants to use a fast pace to give it that tense sort of strain feel to everything. I also really enjoyed the ominous feel that the narrators explanations gave off. It made it sort of creepy and a bit terrifying. I really enjoyed those aspects of it. Now some of the stuff you really need to improve on. Go easy on the characters, they should slow down a bit, they need to be explained a bit more to give off the feeling that the characters matter to what's going on around them. It's very obvious that this script is way too short... I actually kind of looked at this as if it was a preview for the actual show that you want to make instead of it being the first episode. This is obviously less than five minutes from my guess if it were to play out. I think if you work on it a bit harder it will come out real good. Cause so far it looks really fun, it just needs some work.
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Moderator The_8th_Sin 8605 cr points Send Message: 20 / M / Labs, towns, citi... Offline	Permalink Reply Quote Posted 1/18/09 I agree with Rezzy on many counts. It felt more like an intro to me as well. At this point, I can't really figure out whether the story will actually be any good. However, this piece of writing demonstrates a number of good writing practices, especially the pacing. Despite the fact that it was rushed, it was rushed at a consistant speed. You clearly have an abillity to control the speed, and you should use it on longer episodes. Also, at all times, I understood what was occuring, which is not true for the vast majority of stories on this group.
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Rookie gaelanisdabomb 47 cr points Send Message: 20 / M / cali Offline	Permalink Reply Quote Posted 1/18/09 It was kind of just an opening it was purposely short. but thanks for all the help!! i kind of want it to go fast. its kinds of something i think makes it interesting... sure there are some things that even i found that i think i will work on when i write the part 2 of the opening.
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Member atelier7 1140 cr points Send Message: 25 / M Offline	Permalink Reply Quote Posted 2/8/09 it was a good intro. i especially liked the narration, though you could work on the dialogue, which is kinda floaty. it's also a bit too fast with the scene changes, but then again it could just be your style.
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