Post Reply "Numbers" by gaelanisdabomb
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24 / M / cali
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Posted 1/18/09 , edited 1/18/09
Numbers
written by Gaelan O'Neill

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25 / M / California
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Posted 1/18/09
Ha ha! I actually really liked this, I mean sure it had quite a few problems but actually I thought this was quite epic.
I want to point out the things that I really enjoyed about this. I thought that even though the characters moved and acted a bit too fast the pace itself was quite good. It obviously wants to use a fast pace to give it that tense sort of strain feel to everything. I also really enjoyed the ominous feel that the narrators explanations gave off. It made it sort of creepy and a bit terrifying. I really enjoyed those aspects of it.

Now some of the stuff you really need to improve on. Go easy on the characters, they should slow down a bit, they need to be explained a bit more to give off the feeling that the characters matter to what's going on around them. It's very obvious that this script is way too short... I actually kind of looked at this as if it was a preview for the actual show that you want to make instead of it being the first episode. This is obviously less than five minutes from my guess if it were to play out.

I think if you work on it a bit harder it will come out real good. Cause so far it looks really fun, it just needs some work.
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25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
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Posted 1/18/09
I agree with Rezzy on many counts. It felt more like an intro to me as well. At this point, I can't really figure out whether the story will actually be any good. However, this piece of writing demonstrates a number of good writing practices, especially the pacing. Despite the fact that it was rushed, it was rushed at a consistant speed. You clearly have an abillity to control the speed, and you should use it on longer episodes. Also, at all times, I understood what was occuring, which is not true for the vast majority of stories on this group.
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24 / M / cali
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Posted 1/18/09
It was kind of just an opening it was purposely short. but thanks for all the help!! i kind of want it to go fast. its kinds of something i think makes it interesting... sure there are some things that even i found that i think i will work on when i write the part 2 of the opening.
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Posted 2/8/09
it was a good intro. i especially liked the narration, though you could work on the dialogue, which is kinda floaty. it's also a bit too fast with the scene changes, but then again it could just be your style.
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