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"Blodlust" by Baddies-Lover |
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Here is the prologue! Enjoy! And comment!
Prologue ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** “What is this, mommy?” a purple-haired little girl asked. “This is a necklace, sweetheart. From today, you have to always wear it, OK.” the women said. “Aye aye captain!” the little girl said. The mother laughed. “Now.... Sachi. Go to your bed and have a nice dream.” she said. “Okay, mommy.” Sachi said. She walked to her bedroom when her twins, Shichi opened the bedroom’s door. “Hey! Shichi! Why daddy call you?” Sachi asked. Shichi saw Sachi her fingers. A beautiful black ring was on her ring finger. “Daddy gives this to me. How about you?”Shichi asked. “Mommy gives this to me.” Sachi said as she showed the necklace to Shichi. Shichi smiled. She opened the door and found Sora and Kira, their older brothers, on their bed. They heard Sachi and Shichi’s sound then quickly ran toward them. “KYAA!!! SACHI! SHICHI!” they both shouted and hugged the poor little girls. “MOMMY!”Sachi shouted. “BROTHERS ATTACKED ME AGAIN!” Their father, Jun, went upstairs. “Hey..hey... you two. Stop doing that.”he smiled. “But they’re just too cute.”Kira said. ‘Your mother is sleeping. You two don’t want to wake her up,right?” Jun said with a smirk on his face. Kira and Sora’s face became pale. They quickly went to their own room and locked the door. Jun just laughed. “Daddy?” Sachi said. “Yes, honey?”Jun smiled. “Why brothers afraid of mommy? Isn’t she’s kind?” Sachi said. Jun laughed. “When Shin was 8 and Kira was 3, they had a big fight as usual. Then the vase broken and Rin wake up. And so urm... she was really angry then...” Jun stopped and looked at his daughters. “Yes?”Sachi said. “Maybe you should ask your brothers about it.” Jun smiled. “Daddy! That’s not fair!” Sachi protest. “Nothing in this world is fair.” Jun and Shichi said together. Sachi couldn’t said anything but she pouted. Jun laughed. “Good night, princesses.” Jun said as he kissed their forehead. “Good night, daddy!” they both said cheerfully. “London Bridge is falling down.... falling down.... falling down... London bridge is falling down... my fair lady.” Sachi woke up and saw Shichi sang the song as she saw the rain from their window. “Shichi?”Sachi said. Shichi looked at Sachi. “Good morning, am I wake you up?”she asked. “No... not really.” Sachi said. Shichi looked at the window again and started to sing again. “London bridege is falling down.... falling down....falling down...” Sachi ignored her and went downstairs. Nobody was there. “Brother?” she called but nobody was answering. Sachi ran back to her room. “My fair lady. London bridge is falling down...”Shichi continued to sing. “Shichi! Where....where is everybody?” Sachi said, almost cried. “Don’t you see brother at the terrace?”Shichi said. Sachi ran to the terrace. She saw her brothers gaze at the sky, let their face poured by the rain. “Brother.” Sachi said. Shin look at Sachi. “Good morning, sister.” “Where is mommy and daddy?” Sachi asked. “They... gone.” Suddenly a voice interrupted them. “Shichi!”Sachi said. Shichi gaze at the sky. “Shichi! Brother! Where are....”Sachi said but Shin hugged her. “Stop it.... accept the fact.” he said. “I..I...I didn’t understand.... Are they dead? Are they.... leave us? Are they....hate us?”Sachi said as tears began to roll down from her eyes. No one answered her questions. Shin keep hugged her. Then Kira went to Shichi. “Brother...why?”Shichi asked. “We...don’t know.”Kira said. Sachi looked at her necklace. The memory.... She held it tight. “Huwaa!”Sachi cried loudly. Shin kept hugged her. “MOMMY! DADDY! WHY! WHY! WHY YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” Sachi shouted to the sky. Shin looked at Sachi. “We are not alone, Sachi. We’re together. You, Kira, Shichi, and me. You still have a family.” Shin said. Sachi kept crying. She didn’t know how many hours that already past. Her visions became dark....darker...than black. She fell asleep. “Ta-da! Here is your crown.” Rin said. Sachi looked at the flower crown. “It’s so beautiful.”Sachi said. “Thank you.”Shichi smiled. “Hello, my beautiful princesses.”Jun smiled. “Daddy!’ Sachi and Shichi ran toward him and hugged him. “Hello,sisters!” Kira greeted. “Brother!” They hugged him too. Shin putted his sad face. “How about me?”he asked. Sachi and Shichi smiled and hugged him. It was... a happy family.... A happy memory... A dream. |
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But Otouto…It’s because it’s wrong.. That you want it more :)
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Moderator
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Baddies-Lover wrote: Here is the prologue! Enjoy! And comment! Prologue ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** “What is this, mommy?” a purple-haired little girl asked. “This is a necklace, sweetheart. From today, you have to always wear it, OK.” the women said. “Aye aye captain!” the little girl said. The mother laughed. “Now.... Sachi. Go to your bed and have a nice dream.” she said. “Okay, mommy.” Sachi said. She walked to her bedroom when her twins, Shichi opened the bedroom’s door. “Hey! Shichi! Why daddy call you?” Sachi asked. Shichi saw Sachi her fingers. A beautiful black ring was on her ring finger. “Daddy gives this to me. How about you?”Shichi asked. “Mommy gives this to me.” Sachi said as she showed the necklace to Shichi. Shichi smiled. She opened the door and found Sora and Kira, their older brothers, on their bed. They heard Sachi and Shichi’s sound then quickly ran toward them. “KYAA!!! SACHI! SHICHI!” they both shouted and hugged the poor little girls. “MOMMY!”Sachi shouted. “BROTHERS ATTACKED ME AGAIN!” Their father, Jun, went upstairs. “Hey..hey... you two. Stop doing that.”he smiled. “But they’re just too cute.”Kira said. ‘Your mother is sleeping. You two don’t want to wake her up,right?” Jun said with a smirk on his face. Kira and Sora’s face became pale. They quickly went to their own room and locked the door. Jun just laughed. “Daddy?” Sachi said. “Yes, honey?”Jun smiled. “Why brothers afraid of mommy? Isn’t she’s kind?” Sachi said. Jun laughed. “When Shin was 8 and Kira was 3, they had a big fight as usual. Then the vase broken and Rin wake up. And so urm... she was really angry then...” Jun stopped and looked at his daughters. “Yes?”Sachi said. “Maybe you should ask your brothers about it.” Jun smiled. “Daddy! That’s not fair!” Sachi protest. “Nothing in this world is fair.” Jun and Shichi said together. Sachi couldn’t said anything but she pouted. Jun laughed. “Good night, princesses.” Jun said as he kissed their forehead. “Good night, daddy!” they both said cheerfully. “London Bridge is falling down.... falling down.... falling down... London bridge is falling down... my fair lady.” Sachi woke up and saw Shichi sang the song as she saw the rain from their window. “Shichi?”Sachi said. Shichi looked at Sachi. “Good morning, am I wake you up?”she asked. “No... not really.” Sachi said. Shichi looked at the window again and started to sing again. “London bridege is falling down.... falling down....falling down...” Sachi ignored her and went downstairs. Nobody was there. “Brother?” she called but nobody was answering. Sachi ran back to her room. “My fair lady. London bridge is falling down...”Shichi continued to sing. “Shichi! Where....where is everybody?” Sachi said, almost cried. “Don’t you see brother at the terrace?”Shichi said. Sachi ran to the terrace. She saw her brothers gaze at the sky, let their face poured by the rain. “Brother.” Sachi said. Shin look at Sachi. “Good morning, sister.” “Where is mommy and daddy?” Sachi asked. “They... gone.” Suddenly a voice interrupted them. “Shichi!”Sachi said. Shichi gaze at the sky. “Shichi! Brother! Where are....”Sachi said but Shin hugged her. “Stop it.... accept the fact.” he said. “I..I...I didn’t understand.... Are they dead? Are they.... leave us? Are they....hate us?”Sachi said as tears began to roll down from her eyes. No one answered her questions. Shin keep hugged her. Then Kira went to Shichi. “Brother...why?”Shichi asked. “We...don’t know.”Kira said. Sachi looked at her necklace. The memory.... She held it tight. “Huwaa!”Sachi cried loudly. Shin kept hugged her. “MOMMY! DADDY! WHY! WHY! WHY YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” Sachi shouted to the sky. Shin looked at Sachi. “We are not alone, Sachi. We’re together. You, Kira, Shichi, and me. You still have a family.” Shin said. Sachi kept crying. She didn’t know how many hours that already past. Her visions became dark....darker...than black. She fell asleep. “Ta-da! Here is your crown.” Rin said. Sachi looked at the flower crown. “It’s so beautiful.”Sachi said. “Thank you.”Shichi smiled. “Hello, my beautiful princesses.”Jun smiled. “Daddy!’ Sachi and Shichi ran toward him and hugged him. “Hello,sisters!” Kira greeted. “Brother!” They hugged him too. Shin putted his sad face. “How about me?”he asked. Sachi and Shichi smiled and hugged him. It was... a happy family.... A happy memory... A dream. Okay... You really need to slow everything down! Way too fast... Also your formatting is pretty bad. A lot of the story needs work. The characters are paper thin and need more time to be developed. Also besides the fact that everything moves too fast, the tense of everything is confusing... For instance I can't tell what is in the present and what is in the past. The sequence of all events happens so fast it leaves me in a state of confusion as to what is going on. Looking at the idea that you have going here by itself, I can say that it looks very interesting, I like the idea of your characters having to deal with a nasty situation at such a young age and that gives the characters as well as the story some depth. I would like to see this idea of yours developed into a more expansive story cause currently it seems like you only have a good idea, and I'm sorry to say it but this little prologue you got here does it no justice. So think about what you want to do with this a little more before you write any more of this story, cause it's a good idea, it just needs more development. |
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