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Post Reply "First Divine Light" by yaidoll
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Posted 2/7/09 , edited 2/9/09
This story is a colab with my younger sister who is an animator and SetsunaHaptism . It depicts the fun childhood memories of my sister's and my own as our overactive imagination took us to fantastic fantasies. We use to pretend things like this all the time as we played with the children of our town and since it had architectonic influences from Japan and China, it helped us make the settings more vivid. We had a crazy idea a few month back to inmortalize those memories, so we've desided to put them all in to this neat little story.This is an action story of two girls who r faced with the almost imposible task of defeating a god when all 8 legendary ones had fallen. Brought together by a profecy on which the gods, blood descendants of the direct blood line of Amaterasu, goddess of the sun and Tsukuyoni god of the moon, sun and daughter of the creators of Japan the god Izanagi and goddess Izanami. The profesy says that only when direct descendants of this siblings join forses as equals will the evil demon Arashi and his desiples will be layed to rest. In this case the maniffest was made in the two who they least expected,for misintrepreting the legends, they took for granted that the descendants had to b united in holy matrimony, in reality it wasn't the case, they must share the same ideals and perspectives in life, like some siblings do, moreover they must share the same spirit cualities and personalities of the gods in order for the profesy to b completed, meaning their spirits must b similar, siblings of the same founders like Amaterasu and her brother.. now this two girls must combine their powers as one and once again unleash the siblings sanctified powerdr they carry with in their spirits. Note, the Japanese goddess Amaterasu is said to be the creator of the Japanese emperator family, her grandson ws the first emperator of Japan acording to legends, so there for the novalty and the rancs of this story. Its actiony and has great fights and descriptions, this one is trully considered my best Eng works so far, so don't understimate and at least read the first chapter. Hope u all like it! PS: it is wrritne from the first person perspective, needless to say it wont b an eassy read if u r not confortable with that format. But hope to hear comments soon and enjoy!


Things I must point out:
1. Ame No Murakumo is the combined name we've desided to give to the goddess of the sun and the god of the moon, since their siblings, born from the same god, we desided to combine them as one.
2. Oroshi was an 8 headed snake, and each demon on the story represents one of those heads, or desiples/fallowers.
3. The sun mark of Haruki the sun pristess is off course in the shape of a golden sun. Neeedless to say The one of Sayomi, the lunar pristess is a moon.
4. Since the legend was misinterpreted by the elders, Sayomi and Haruki will become spirit siblings just like their ansesters. Not a matrimonial union like the elders where planning with heir sun Shuu-dono. To understand more about this... u have to read! Daaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Here r some pics of the main characters, or at least who we want them to look. We've used inspiration from many anime series to ashiave the characters we want.
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Posted 2/7/09 , edited 2/9/09
"Awakening" First Light Episode 1 part 1.
Part 1.
[

________________________________________
Posted 2/9/09
Wow, this really took me with out warning, u girls did a great job in putting all this together, the descriptions r supirior to any I've seeing before. This is with no doubt your best Eng work.
I was glad to help in anything I could, but just a few pointers, I saw u gave a little insider/info about the Japanese mythology that will b dealled with here, but u forgot a few. U need to mention those on your first post or the reader will b completely thrown out.
example: the godless month, u didn't mention y was it called that way.
Over all pretty good!
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Posted 2/9/09
Thank u so much, I think u r jumping the gun a little, that is mentioned on ep 2!
But I will consider it and as soon as I post it I'll put the info on the top post.
Thanks a lot for reading and giving me your opinion!!!
*hugs u tightly*
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Posted 2/9/09
Okay, I'll say I'm not a person who isn't afraid to criticize something, because I am not afraid to do so. Let me start with an obvious problem. You need to separate your paragraphs, or at least do that a bit better. Looking at a massive block of text turns away readers easily. Also, the basic description, and the story itself seemed like a cliche, and mainly just plain a bit like self insertion, although you said that you and your sister imagined many things like this as children.

The things that make it unoriginal is the prophecy thing, where someone is chosen to defeat some great evil, and that the main character(s) must kill a god. Gods(as in omnipotent beings, not some certain god) are usually immortal, and basically and also literally can wipe something from existence with a single blink of their eye. One other thing that may ruin the story is the amount of Japanese influence and such in this story. It easily confused me, and so did the Japanese names. I'm not saying it's bad to make something based on a certain culture, but Japan has been overdone, and the Japanese names and plot seem more like a weaboo(I'm not calling you or anyone here one) or anime fangirl wrote this.

You could also try some spellcheck, and check your grammar a bit to see any mistakes, and you may have used some words incorrectly. Also, it'd be best to separate your story in about 4-6 spoilers if you can. And finally, the details and descriptions are nice, but it'd be nice if it didn't fill up most of the page and make it slow paced.

I apologize to the writers(and only the writers) if they feel any bit offended or upset from my criticism. I originally planned that I should've been a bit harsher, but I not only felt tired, but I also felt that you had potential, compared to most fictional writers on the internet.
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Posted 2/9/09
Thank u very much for your kind suggestions, we have been talking about that for a good while and we've desided that it's a little confucing at times, the mythology makes it worse for someone who is not familiar.
So for the next chapter which will hopefully b posted next month the format will b different. Myabe more spaced out and with a description attached to it.
The consept is different then most storys, however due to a previous story of mine that is currently being published we had to change the name of the gods in order to avoid violating the copy right of the story.
Also the point u brought up about killing the gods will b the main focus of the story later on as the characters realize its a potential problem and could probably not b done, but I'll leave that hanging for now.

We r not very fan of shojo stories, they have becomed a little too over rated lately, so we r trying our best to keep this one from becoming that, though its very chalenging, but it can b done.
Once again, thanks a lot.
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Posted 2/9/09

yaidoll wrote:

Thank u very much for your kind suggestions, we have been talking about that for a good while and we've desided that it's a little confucing at times, the mythology makes it worse for someone who is not familiar.
So for the next chapter which will hopefully b posted next month the format will b different. Myabe more spaced out and with a description attached to it.
The consept is different then most storys, however due to a previous story of mine that is currently being published we had to change the name of the gods in order to avoid violating the copy right of the story.
Also the point u brought up about killing the gods will b the main focus of the story later on as the characters realize its a potential problem and could probably not b done, but I'll leave that hanging for now.

We r not very fan of shojo stories, they have becomed a little too over rated lately, so we r trying our best to keep this one from becoming that, though its very chalenging, but it can b done.
Once again, thanks a lot.


Okay, see that you're happy to make any possible changes. Also, I noticed you said that you had to change names to avoid copyright infringement. The thing about that is that you should be able to make whatever you're making, without harming someone's copyrights. It'd be bad to have to change something to avoid copyrights. But anyway, I'll continue reading.
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Posted 2/9/09

Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Thank u very much for your kind suggestions, we have been talking about that for a good while and we've desided that it's a little confucing at times, the mythology makes it worse for someone who is not familiar.
So for the next chapter which will hopefully b posted next month the format will b different. Myabe more spaced out and with a description attached to it.
The consept is different then most storys, however due to a previous story of mine that is currently being published we had to change the name of the gods in order to avoid violating the copy right of the story.
Also the point u brought up about killing the gods will b the main focus of the story later on as the characters realize its a potential problem and could probably not b done, but I'll leave that hanging for now.

We r not very fan of shojo stories, they have becomed a little too over rated lately, so we r trying our best to keep this one from becoming that, though its very chalenging, but it can b done.
Once again, thanks a lot.


Okay, see that you're happy to make any possible changes. Also, I noticed you said that you had to change names to avoid copyright infringement. The thing about that is that you should be able to make whatever you're making, without harming someone's copyrights. It'd be bad to have to change something to avoid copyrights. But anyway, I'll continue reading.


Hahah, all right, the thing with copy rights its that I'll b doing the damage to myself and could even have my manga suspended if by any odd reason I desided to use any of the material all ready published, so we had to come up with another plan.

I'll also try to look over some spelling mistakes that we could have overlooked, writing this thing in one lenguage and translating it afterwords could pose some serious issues and at the end something always manages to escape our eyes.
But thanks for the suggestions and look forward to future comments.
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Posted 2/9/09 , edited 2/9/09

yaidoll wrote:


Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Thank u very much for your kind suggestions, we have been talking about that for a good while and we've desided that it's a little confucing at times, the mythology makes it worse for someone who is not familiar.
So for the next chapter which will hopefully b posted next month the format will b different. Myabe more spaced out and with a description attached to it.
The consept is different then most storys, however due to a previous story of mine that is currently being published we had to change the name of the gods in order to avoid violating the copy right of the story.
Also the point u brought up about killing the gods will b the main focus of the story later on as the characters realize its a potential problem and could probably not b done, but I'll leave that hanging for now.

We r not very fan of shojo stories, they have becomed a little too over rated lately, so we r trying our best to keep this one from becoming that, though its very chalenging, but it can b done.
Once again, thanks a lot.


Okay, see that you're happy to make any possible changes. Also, I noticed you said that you had to change names to avoid copyright infringement. The thing about that is that you should be able to make whatever you're making, without harming someone's copyrights. It'd be bad to have to change something to avoid copyrights. But anyway, I'll continue reading.


Hahah, all right, the thing with copy rights its that I'll b doing the damage to myself and could even have my manga suspended if by any odd reason I desided to use any of the material all ready published, so we had to come up with another plan.

I'll also try to look over some spelling mistakes that we could have overlooked, writing this thing in one lenguage and translating it afterwords could pose some serious issues and at the end something always manages to escape our eyes.
But thanks for the suggestions and look forward to future comments.


Thanks. Well I guess the copyright thing is solved, but are you hand-translating it, or are you using some translator program?
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Posted 2/9/09

Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:


Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Thank u very much for your kind suggestions, we have been talking about that for a good while and we've desided that it's a little confucing at times, the mythology makes it worse for someone who is not familiar.
So for the next chapter which will hopefully b posted next month the format will b different. Myabe more spaced out and with a description attached to it.
The consept is different then most storys, however due to a previous story of mine that is currently being published we had to change the name of the gods in order to avoid violating the copy right of the story.
Also the point u brought up about killing the gods will b the main focus of the story later on as the characters realize its a potential problem and could probably not b done, but I'll leave that hanging for now.

We r not very fan of shojo stories, they have becomed a little too over rated lately, so we r trying our best to keep this one from becoming that, though its very chalenging, but it can b done.
Once again, thanks a lot.


Okay, see that you're happy to make any possible changes. Also, I noticed you said that you had to change names to avoid copyright infringement. The thing about that is that you should be able to make whatever you're making, without harming someone's copyrights. It'd be bad to have to change something to avoid copyrights. But anyway, I'll continue reading.


Hahah, all right, the thing with copy rights its that I'll b doing the damage to myself and could even have my manga suspended if by any odd reason I desided to use any of the material all ready published, so we had to come up with another plan.

I'll also try to look over some spelling mistakes that we could have overlooked, writing this thing in one lenguage and translating it afterwords could pose some serious issues and at the end something always manages to escape our eyes.
But thanks for the suggestions and look forward to future comments.


Thanks. Well I guess the copyright thing is solved, but are you hand-translating it, or are you using some translator program?


Yourwelcome!
Well, m using a program, however, due to the lots of kanji and their different meanings, its not always accurate, so I've always have to go over it, most of the time I end up replacing most of the text by hand because its so time consuming. But I must say I've come a long way since my horrible first translations of my other manga. This one is far supperior.
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Posted 2/10/09

Coglock wrote:

Okay, I'll say I'm not a person who isn't afraid to criticize something, because I am not afraid to do so. Let me start with an obvious problem. You need to separate your paragraphs, or at least do that a bit better. Looking at a massive block of text turns away readers easily. Also, the basic description, and the story itself seemed like a cliche, and mainly just plain a bit like self insertion, although you said that you and your sister imagined many things like this as children.

The things that make it unoriginal is the prophecy thing, where someone is chosen to defeat some great evil, and that the main character(s) must kill a god. Gods(as in omnipotent beings, not some certain god) are usually immortal, and basically and also literally can wipe something from existence with a single blink of their eye. One other thing that may ruin the story is the amount of Japanese influence and such in this story. It easily confused me, and so did the Japanese names. I'm not saying it's bad to make something based on a certain culture, but Japan has been overdone, and the Japanese names and plot seem more like a weaboo(I'm not calling you or anyone here one) or anime fangirl wrote this.

You could also try some spellcheck, and check your grammar a bit to see any mistakes, and you may have used some words incorrectly. Also, it'd be best to separate your story in about 4-6 spoilers if you can. And finally, the details and descriptions are nice, but it'd be nice if it didn't fill up most of the page and make it slow paced.

I apologize to the writers(and only the writers) if they feel any bit offended or upset from my criticism. I originally planned that I should've been a bit harsher, but I not only felt tired, but I also felt that you had potential, compared to most fictional writers on the internet.


There's nothing wrong with having prophesies or evil gods. They have been part of stories for thousands of years for a reason, you know. It's only a problem when an unimaginative person sticks them in and assumes it will make the story good. This story has been written with great beauty and elegance, so the fact that it has prophesies and an evil god is hardly worth mentioning.

To say that the Japanese cultural aspects of the story could be detrimental is absurd. There really is no way for a cultural setting to be "overdone," because the Japanese, like every other nation, have been telling stories set in their own nation since they first became a nation. Besides, Yaidoll actually lives in Japan, so it makes about as much sense to tell her to not set a story in a Japanese fantasy setting as it it is to tell an American or European to not set a story in a European Fuedal fantasy setting. And on that note, I don't think you can call Yaidoll a weaboo, (I'm not saying that you or anyone else did) considering that she lives in Japan.

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Posted 2/10/09
A very nice story so far. I've read the first chapter/episode.

The general pacing is smooth and believable, and the action scenes maintain this pacing. Your use of words within the action scenes makes it almost always clear to me exactly what is going on. I rarely ever wondered what was going on.

I very much like the use of mythology and your comparison of each demon to one of the heads. I think it's cool that this Mamiko person calls herself a "neck." Basically, at this point I'm assuming that each battle vs a demon will have one hulking monstrosity (the head) and one smaller, humaniod enemy (the neck) This kind of structured format to the villains is always fun to experience and I'm happy that it's in there.

All in all, elegant and well-written. I enjoyed reading it immensily. If I had to pick the most important thing I'd critique, I guess I'd say that character development is a little bit scarce when you launch right into the action. I hope that there will be time to develop all of the characters more fully later.
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Posted 2/10/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:


Coglock wrote:

Okay, I'll say I'm not a person who isn't afraid to criticize something, because I am not afraid to do so. Let me start with an obvious problem. You need to separate your paragraphs, or at least do that a bit better. Looking at a massive block of text turns away readers easily. Also, the basic description, and the story itself seemed like a cliche, and mainly just plain a bit like self insertion, although you said that you and your sister imagined many things like this as children.

The things that make it unoriginal is the prophecy thing, where someone is chosen to defeat some great evil, and that the main character(s) must kill a god. Gods(as in omnipotent beings, not some certain god) are usually immortal, and basically and also literally can wipe something from existence with a single blink of their eye. One other thing that may ruin the story is the amount of Japanese influence and such in this story. It easily confused me, and so did the Japanese names. I'm not saying it's bad to make something based on a certain culture, but Japan has been overdone, and the Japanese names and plot seem more like a weaboo(I'm not calling you or anyone here one) or anime fangirl wrote this.

You could also try some spellcheck, and check your grammar a bit to see any mistakes, and you may have used some words incorrectly. Also, it'd be best to separate your story in about 4-6 spoilers if you can. And finally, the details and descriptions are nice, but it'd be nice if it didn't fill up most of the page and make it slow paced.

I apologize to the writers(and only the writers) if they feel any bit offended or upset from my criticism. I originally planned that I should've been a bit harsher, but I not only felt tired, but I also felt that you had potential, compared to most fictional writers on the internet.


There's nothing wrong with having prophesies or evil gods. They have been part of stories for thousands of years for a reason, you know. It's only a problem when an unimaginative person sticks them in and assumes it will make the story good. This story has been written with great beauty and elegance, so the fact that it has prophesies and an evil god is hardly worth mentioning.

To say that the Japanese cultural aspects of the story could be detrimental is absurd. There really is no way for a cultural setting to be "overdone," because the Japanese, like every other nation, have been telling stories set in their own nation since they first became a nation. Besides, Yaidoll actually lives in Japan, so it makes about as much sense to tell her to not set a story in a Japanese fantasy setting as it it is to tell an American or European to not set a story in a European Fuedal fantasy setting. And on that note, I don't think you can call Yaidoll a weaboo, (I'm not saying that you or anyone else did) considering that she lives in Japan.



*blushes*
wow, m speachless, it seems I have a knight in shining armer. lol
thnks a lot for your nice words, I appreciate them a lot and m sure my coo-writers will too as we r helping my sister make this in to her first animation demo. Thanks a lot!
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Posted 2/10/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:

A very nice story so far. I've read the first chapter/episode.

The general pacing is smooth and believable, and the action scenes maintain this pacing. Your use of words within the action scenes makes it almost always clear to me exactly what is going on. I rarely ever wondered what was going on.

I very much like the use of mythology and your comparison of each demon to one of the heads. I think it's cool that this Mamiko person calls herself a "neck." Basically, at this point I'm assuming that each battle vs a demon will have one hulking monstrosity (the head) and one smaller, humaniod enemy (the neck) This kind of structured format to the villains is always fun to experience and I'm happy that it's in there.

All in all, elegant and well-written. I enjoyed reading it immensily. If I had to pick the most important thing I'd critique, I guess I'd say that character development is a little bit scarce when you launch right into the action. I hope that there will be time to develop all of the characters more fully later.


Once again, thank u so much.
I too like the pace of this one, we had to play a lot twith it and the inmense descriptions and details for the fight, so that later we can incorporate it to the story line.
At first I thought it was going to take away from it, but as we put everything together it came out very elegant as u say.
M glad u enjoy reading it and that it wasn't confucing for u.
As for the monsters, very nice deduction, so far that is exsacly what we have planned on doing and the characters will b more developed as the story goes on.
now the hard part is all the angles I will have to create for the story board for it to b animated and for us to start drawing the secuences + working on the 2nd chapter at the same time which will b more intense than this one. But hope u continue to read it and give feadback, we r really putting everything we know in to this story to make it a real master piece.
Thank u so much for your opinion and incurragement, it really means a lot!
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Posted 2/10/09

yaidoll wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


Coglock wrote:

Okay, I'll say I'm not a person who isn't afraid to criticize something, because I am not afraid to do so. Let me start with an obvious problem. You need to separate your paragraphs, or at least do that a bit better. Looking at a massive block of text turns away readers easily. Also, the basic description, and the story itself seemed like a cliche, and mainly just plain a bit like self insertion, although you said that you and your sister imagined many things like this as children.

The things that make it unoriginal is the prophecy thing, where someone is chosen to defeat some great evil, and that the main character(s) must kill a god. Gods(as in omnipotent beings, not some certain god) are usually immortal, and basically and also literally can wipe something from existence with a single blink of their eye. One other thing that may ruin the story is the amount of Japanese influence and such in this story. It easily confused me, and so did the Japanese names. I'm not saying it's bad to make something based on a certain culture, but Japan has been overdone, and the Japanese names and plot seem more like a weaboo(I'm not calling you or anyone here one) or anime fangirl wrote this.

You could also try some spellcheck, and check your grammar a bit to see any mistakes, and you may have used some words incorrectly. Also, it'd be best to separate your story in about 4-6 spoilers if you can. And finally, the details and descriptions are nice, but it'd be nice if it didn't fill up most of the page and make it slow paced.

I apologize to the writers(and only the writers) if they feel any bit offended or upset from my criticism. I originally planned that I should've been a bit harsher, but I not only felt tired, but I also felt that you had potential, compared to most fictional writers on the internet.


There's nothing wrong with having prophesies or evil gods. They have been part of stories for thousands of years for a reason, you know. It's only a problem when an unimaginative person sticks them in and assumes it will make the story good. This story has been written with great beauty and elegance, so the fact that it has prophesies and an evil god is hardly worth mentioning.

To say that the Japanese cultural aspects of the story could be detrimental is absurd. There really is no way for a cultural setting to be "overdone," because the Japanese, like every other nation, have been telling stories set in their own nation since they first became a nation. Besides, Yaidoll actually lives in Japan, so it makes about as much sense to tell her to not set a story in a Japanese fantasy setting as it it is to tell an American or European to not set a story in a European Fuedal fantasy setting. And on that note, I don't think you can call Yaidoll a weaboo, (I'm not saying that you or anyone else did) considering that she lives in Japan.



*blushes*
wow, m speachless, it seems I have a knight in shining armer. lol
thnks a lot for your nice words, I appreciate them a lot and m sure my coo-writers will too as we r helping my sister make this in to her first animation demo. Thanks a lot!


lol

I didn't mean to be so confrontational to Coglock, but I was only saying what I genuinely felt to be true.
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