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"Seidai" aka "Justice" by SetsunaHaptism |
I have been working on this story for a good while now, thanks to Yaidoll I was able to make up my mind and posted here, its nothing epic, just something original a little story with lots of mistery and action on it. I should also mention that chapters will be posted once a month, or every 15 days, depending on my school and work schedule. Further more, I would like to anounce that Yai-san has been a huge contributer to this piece of work, so.... nothing left to say, but read on and leave me your thoughts on it.
++++ Domo arigato Yai-chan, you have outdone yourself! Seidai's Prolog. ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Planet Earth had fallen far from its golden age. The government, as well as almost all else, was owned by economic criminals. Since the disappearance of a great hero in the world who instilled fear in the criminals, causing them to behave, disappeared, the world had been slipping further and further into the dark. A college-bound high school protegy had attempted shortly following the disappearance to use his expertise in investigation to find this lost hero, but was unsuccessful. His failure destroyed the last hope of the world for a bright future, making the darkness seem inevitable for an eternity. Kyoudai Seishin was this protegy’s name, and this loss took him by an unfortunate surprise, and soon there was little hope for his career in criminal investigation. He instead was forced to pursue investigative Journalism, a career, which he was forced to believe to be all he was capable of. After college graduation 6 years later, Kyoudai, whom had lived in Japan all his life moved to a city in the United States called New York City, hoping that he would at least be able to get some interesting stories there. Kyoudai, worked as a journalist for the Silent Needle, a small-scale newspaper company, which allegedly had a connection to this long lost hero. He soon found that his job was not so interesting as he expected, and after a while, his mind began to slip and he become more robotic in his personality than anything else. He grew to follow the exact same ritual every day, awakening at 8:00, getting ready from 8:05 to 8:55, walking 10 blocks to the train station, then catching the 9:15 train to work. He would leave work at 8:00, catch the 8:15 train back to his home, walk 10 blocks back to his house, stopping along the way at the local research center every Monday, arriving at his house at 8:35, eating a delivered sushi dinner at 8:40, then going to bed at 9:00. His life had become so mechanical that he himself lost most of his daily sense of what was going on. Every day was blurred togeather, and soon 3 years had passed without him even noticing. It was Monday, so Kyoudai decided, or rather automatically went to the research center, but his ritual was soon broken when he heard the click of a gun. He rolled out of the way and was approached by 3 men carrying semi-automatic handguns. “What do you want from me?” said Kyoudai in a panic. “Last week, you got our boss locked up ‘cause of an article that you wrote. We’re simply gonna make you pay your debt to our organization,” said the largest one standing in the middle. Kyoudai knew who these men were as a result of their statement and quickly bolted running, dodging the bullets by sliding into an allyway behind the research facility. He tripped on a crack in the pavement and fell into the side of a dumpster behind the building. He could hear sirens in the distance. The men were running towards him right as he saw a window above him slide open and a scientist tossed a test tube filled with a strange black substance out of the window thinking the dumpster was right below. The test tube shattered as it hit Kyoudai’s head. The shards of glass had caused him to bleed, but the black liquid distracted him. It appeared to be a living organism, an assumption, which was demonstrated when it started to cover his body. It was an odd feeling, but was soon replaced with a feeling of power. Kyoudai stood up with surprising ease and smirked as the criminals came near him. They started shooting, but the bullets looked as though they were moving in slow motion. He dodged them with ease then landed hard punches in each of the men. To his surprise, they caved in and he heard the crunch of bones. Kyoudai was soon filled with panic as he realized that the criminals were dead. He gathered his scattered things and then took off towards his house, soon learning that he could scale walls with ease as well. When Kyoudai arrived at his house he immediately went to a mirror because something about his face felt off. His reflection at first startled him, with the razor sharp, pointy teeth and ghostly eyes, but he soon overcame that fear. He detirmined that he could use this new fear-instilling image of his to fill criminals with fear once more. His power would double up with that and allow him to start punishing criminals. For the first time in years, Kyoudai Seishin felt whole and happy… ________________________________________ Next Chapter… Kyoudai Seishin has excellent new power, but in order for him to kill safely he must first learn something about his powers, and what he learns is a terrible and potentially deadly truth. Can Kyoudai save himself without forfeiting his powers? Seidai Chapter 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Kyoudai figured that it would be wisest for his own safety to give himself a secret identity. He went through a series of names in his mind, but was unable to find anything that really fit him. He managed to hide the strange suit, from which he seemed to get his power, underneath a new all black tuxedo that he had bought. However, it became apparent to him that the suit was more negative than positive on his psyche as he slept that night. He decided that it would be best to seek the scientist who had dropped the vial in order to learn more. That day at work, he published an article about the deaths of two crime ring members (the same two who had attacked him the day before). He submitted it and it was to be in the Sunday paper. Kyoudai made a request with his boss to have his name put in Kanji on the paper, hoping that most criminals would not be able to track him down as a result of this. His boss agreed, and Kyoudai returned home for the day, deciding to make a stop at the research facility. He entered and requested to independently make his way to the room. He wandered to the room and saw the name “White” on the door. “Can I help you?” said a shaky older scientist in response to Kyoudai entering the room. “Yes… I believe you can…” said Kyoudai releasing the suit and turning into the monstrous being that it left him. The scientist jumped but grew calm when he realized that Kyoudai did not have any intent of harming him. “What do you want from me?” “I want any research or information you have about this…” replied Kyoudai, making a gesture to the suit. “That what you are wearing is called a symbiote.” “I see… a symbiote is a parasitc organism that slowly devours its host, is it not?” “That is correct… you must remove it immediately or you will be killed.” “I cannot do that… the power that it gives me is perfect for what I need. Any other options?” “…not really…” said the scientist hesitantly. “I would advise you to tell the truth!” said Kyoudai as he lunged towards the scientists, grabbing his throat. The scientist continued to resist Kyoudai, and as Kyoudai squeezed the life from his eyes, the scientist’s gaze fell from Kyoudai’s face to a bottle filled with a clear liquid on the counter. Kyoudai threw the scientist at the ground, and grabbed the bottle. It was labled, “Symbiotic Cure.” Kyoudai read the instructions on the bottle and drained the bottle of the liquid in his mouth. Kyoudai felt a burning in his chest and coughed. He moaned as the burning spread across his body, fusing the symbiote with his skin. The symbiotic suit grew closer to his skin and shape, as his hair moved through the symbiote. Kyoudai attempted to make himself of human shape once more, but was unsuccessful. He picked up the label on the bottle and read the sideffect list. He soon realized that he would forever look as he did, while maintaining the powers of the suit. He was at first frightened, but soon accepted it as his own personal curse to influence his actions as the world savior from crime. On the way back to his house, Kyoudai stopped at an art store in order to get materials to make a mask to conceal his identity. The shopkeepers were fearful of his appearance, so he made his way in and out, dropping the exact amount of money to pay for his supplies on the counter. He had additionaly bought materials to make attire to accompany his new outlook. Once at home Kyoudai gave himself a thorough physical analysis, discovering that most of his internal organs were no longer active, nor necessary. He did, however, realize that he needed sleep, as he had grown very tired before noticing that it was midnight. He immediately fell asleep, planning to take time off his job over the next couple of days and begin taking on his new career. Over the next couple days Kyoudai worked on the mask that was to be a perfect replica of his natural face. He completed it Saturday evening and was impressed at how it looked identical to him, or rather the old him. He would wear it to work everyday and conceal his neck with a scarf. Sunday came around and Kyoudai received the paper with the article he wrote on the third page. He was soon irritated, as his name had been written incorrectly. Even though he wanted to somewhat conceal his identity, he would have prefered for it to be possible to be found by the smarter of criminals so that he could eliminate them without the annoying chase. His irritation soon faded though, as he noticed that one of the characters used to spell his first name, and one used to spell his last name could be arranged to spell out the japanese word for justice: Seidai… -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Next Chapter: Seidai has emerged as justice for the world, but while at work he meets someone interesting… someone who gives Kyoudai a little bit of a history lesson... |
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Always guarding your heart where ever u go.
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Member
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um... sounds like Venom.
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fated to forever tread that endless path.
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Moderator
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All right, though the prolog looks shorter than it used to!
I like it though, great job. |
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next step wedding!
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Always guarding your heart where ever u go.
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yaidoll wrote: All right, though the prolog looks shorter than it used to! I like it though, great job. Arigato, I know, I thought the same, but for some reason it looks like when it got translated its length shortened, but non of the context was lost, which is the good part. |
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Always guarding your heart where ever u go.
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Member
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err, because of the black thingy and stuff. :D |
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fated to forever tread that endless path.
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atelier7 wrote: err, because of the black thingy and stuff. :D Oh yeah, I see now. lol |
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Always guarding your heart where ever u go.
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Moderator
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SetsunaHaptism wrote: I have been working on this story for a good while now, thanks to Yaidoll I was able to make up my mind and posted here, its nothing epic, just something original a little story with lots of mistery and action on it. I should also mention that chapters will be posted once a month, or every 15 days, depending on my school and work schedule. Further more, I would like to anounce that Yai-san has been a huge contributer to this piece of work, so.... nothing left to say, but read on and leave me your thoughts on it. ++++ Domo arigato Yai-chan, you have outdone yourself! Seidai's Prolog. ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Planet Earth had fallen far from its golden age. The government, as well as almost all else, was owned by economic criminals. Since the disappearance of a great hero in the world who instilled fear in the criminals, causing them to behave, disappeared, the world had been slipping further and further into the dark. A college-bound high school protegy had attempted shortly following the disappearance to use his expertise in investigation to find this lost hero, but was unsuccessful. His failure destroyed the last hope of the world for a bright future, making the darkness seem inevitable for an eternity. Kyoudai Seishin was this protegy’s name, and this loss took him by an unfortunate surprise, and soon there was little hope for his career in criminal investigation. He instead was forced to pursue investigative Journalism, a career, which he was forced to believe to be all he was capable of. After college graduation 6 years later, Kyoudai, whom had lived in Japan all his life moved to a city in the United States called New York City, hoping that he would at least be able to get some interesting stories there. Kyoudai, worked as a journalist for the Silent Needle, a small-scale newspaper company, which allegedly had a connection to this long lost hero. He soon found that his job was not so interesting as he expected, and after a while, his mind began to slip and he become more robotic in his personality than anything else. He grew to follow the exact same ritual every day, awakening at 8:00, getting ready from 8:05 to 8:55, walking 10 blocks to the train station, then catching the 9:15 train to work. He would leave work at 8:00, catch the 8:15 train back to his home, walk 10 blocks back to his house, stopping along the way at the local research center every Monday, arriving at his house at 8:35, eating a delivered sushi dinner at 8:40, then going to bed at 9:00. His life had become so mechanical that he himself lost most of his daily sense of what was going on. Every day was blurred togeather, and soon 3 years had passed without him even noticing. It was Monday, so Kyoudai decided, or rather automatically went to the research center, but his ritual was soon broken when he heard the click of a gun. He rolled out of the way and was approached by 3 men carrying semi-automatic handguns. “What do you want from me?” said Kyoudai in a panic. “Last week, you got our boss locked up ‘cause of an article that you wrote. We’re simply gonna make you pay your debt to our organization,” said the largest one standing in the middle. Kyoudai knew who these men were as a result of their statement and quickly bolted running, dodging the bullets by sliding into an allyway behind the research facility. He tripped on a crack in the pavement and fell into the side of a dumpster behind the building. He could hear sirens in the distance. The men were running towards him right as he saw a window above him slide open and a scientist tossed a test tube filled with a strange black substance out of the window thinking the dumpster was right below. The test tube shattered as it hit Kyoudai’s head. The shards of glass had caused him to bleed, but the black liquid distracted him. It appeared to be a living organism, an assumption, which was demonstrated when it started to cover his body. It was an odd feeling, but was soon replaced with a feeling of power. Kyoudai stood up with surprising ease and smirked as the criminals came near him. They started shooting, but the bullets looked as though they were moving in slow motion. He dodged them with ease then landed hard punches in each of the men. To his surprise, they caved in and he heard the crunch of bones. Kyoudai was soon filled with panic as he realized that the criminals were dead. He gathered his scattered things and then took off towards his house, soon learning that he could scale walls with ease as well. When Kyoudai arrived at his house he immediately went to a mirror because something about his face felt off. His reflection at first startled him, with the razor sharp, pointy teeth and ghostly eyes, but he soon overcame that fear. He detirmined that he could use this new fear-instilling image of his to fill criminals with fear once more. His power would double up with that and allow him to start punishing criminals. For the first time in years, Kyoudai Seishin felt whole and happy… ________________________________________ Next Chapter… Kyoudai Seishin has excellent new power, but in order for him to kill safely he must first learn something about his powers, and what he learns is a terrible and potentially deadly truth. Can Kyoudai save himself without forfeiting his powers? Okay... Well... I'm not being rude when I talk about your material here but I'm just going to look at it seriously as a writer as well as a reader. I honestly didn't like this for a whole lot of reasons... One of the first problems with this story is that it's a summary more than it is a prologue. Your telling me... not showing me. I don't want to be told, I want to be shown. Show me this mans day to day habits. Show me this mans failure. I want to experience it, not be told it. You can take this and make about two episodes out of it. Show me... don't tell me. Alright next thing that bothered me. This Character that you have set up is paper thin. He is so paper thin I could put my hand in front of it and almost point out all the wrinkles in my hand from looking through it. I think this sort of has to do with the previous problem which was show me don't tell me. Your character needs to establish who he is, what he does, why he does what he does, what he thinks, how he reacts... etc to that idea. Next problem... These gangsters that suddenly want him dead. Bring them to life, bring their boss to life, hell create a conspiracy! Give these gangsters a reason to exist in your story. Explain the back story to why your main character put the boss in jail, explain how this caused an emotional chain reaction amongst all the gangsters. Develop more on these characters, give them a more defining reason to exist in your story. Okay moving on. Your use of Convenience! AHHHH!!!! There is nothing I hate more in a story than pointless convenience! What do I mean when i say pointless convenience? Your character jumps for cover in a dumpster in an alleyway and just so happens to have a vial land on him of this dangerous liquid that turns him into a beast. (This can also be known as a wrong place, wrong time situation.) Now see the convenience in this just makes me angry. Look at this from a logical perspective if you will, Supposedly a random vial was thrown out of a window and lands on our main character. Now what scientist in their right mind would do something as stupid as that? Just randomly throw this dangerous vial out of a window. That's not even professional in the least for a scientist and it just makes the whole story as entirety just look silly. I think you need to rethink this whole random falling vial over again. This is my last complaint about your story, I promise! Now this is not so much as a complaint as it is a warning of me wanting you to be different. Just as somebody else said, This is basically a weaker version of the villain Venom from Spiderman. Now see, besides the fact that the venom suit were some of my favorite comic books of Spiderman (Yes, I am a huge comic book geek.), It was a very well thought out set of stories that made lots of sense and played with very human ideas that were creative. I have no problem with people that want to take a good idea and make it their own. Lots of really great and well thought out stories come from using this idea. The thing though is that you have to be ORIGINAL, make the story yours! Make it something completely well thought out and new that people didn't think to try. Well I think that is really all I wanted to write about this. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I really think it would be a much better idea if you take this whole thing back and rewrite it with my above ideas in mind. This could be a really fun idea and story, you just need to work harder on it is all. |
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Don't you dare send me a friend request unless you've read one of my pages.
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Moderator
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AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Where did ep 1 go.... grrrrrr, this thing was suposed to b posted a few hrs ago.... Setsuna, what happened?
lol, Nice coments Rezz, that's the main reason y I told him to post it here on its original script, he can get pointers from other ppl than just me.... Since its an experiment, when all chapters r up he will take each comment in to consideration and re-write it, in the mean time he will do the best he can... its his first story on Eng, and he is not very fluent writing on it.... the Jap one is much better, with more details than this, but too complex and hard to translate. M sure he will love each ones ofyour comments, they r very helpfull and creative for him. |
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next step wedding!
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Rezzy64 wrote: SetsunaHaptism wrote: I have been working on this story for a good while now, thanks to Yaidoll I was able to make up my mind and posted here, its nothing epic, just something original a little story with lots of mistery and action on it. I should also mention that chapters will be posted once a month, or every 15 days, depending on my school and work schedule. Further more, I would like to anounce that Yai-san has been a huge contributer to this piece of work, so.... nothing left to say, but read on and leave me your thoughts on it. ++++ Domo arigato Yai-chan, you have outdone yourself! Seidai's Prolog. ** Spoiler Alert!!! click to hide or show** Planet Earth had fallen far from its golden age. The government, as well as almost all else, was owned by economic criminals. Since the disappearance of a great hero in the world who instilled fear in the criminals, causing them to behave, disappeared, the world had been slipping further and further into the dark. A college-bound high school protegy had attempted shortly following the disappearance to use his expertise in investigation to find this lost hero, but was unsuccessful. His failure destroyed the last hope of the world for a bright future, making the darkness seem inevitable for an eternity. Kyoudai Seishin was this protegy’s name, and this loss took him by an unfortunate surprise, and soon there was little hope for his career in criminal investigation. He instead was forced to pursue investigative Journalism, a career, which he was forced to believe to be all he was capable of. After college graduation 6 years later, Kyoudai, whom had lived in Japan all his life moved to a city in the United States called New York City, hoping that he would at least be able to get some interesting stories there. Kyoudai, worked as a journalist for the Silent Needle, a small-scale newspaper company, which allegedly had a connection to this long lost hero. He soon found that his job was not so interesting as he expected, and after a while, his mind began to slip and he become more robotic in his personality than anything else. He grew to follow the exact same ritual every day, awakening at 8:00, getting ready from 8:05 to 8:55, walking 10 blocks to the train station, then catching the 9:15 train to work. He would leave work at 8:00, catch the 8:15 train back to his home, walk 10 blocks back to his house, stopping along the way at the local research center every Monday, arriving at his house at 8:35, eating a delivered sushi dinner at 8:40, then going to bed at 9:00. His life had become so mechanical that he himself lost most of his daily sense of what was going on. Every day was blurred togeather, and soon 3 years had passed without him even noticing. It was Monday, so Kyoudai decided, or rather automatically went to the research center, but his ritual was soon broken when he heard the click of a gun. He rolled out of the way and was approached by 3 men carrying semi-automatic handguns. “What do you want from me?” said Kyoudai in a panic. “Last week, you got our boss locked up ‘cause of an article that you wrote. We’re simply gonna make you pay your debt to our organization,” said the largest one standing in the middle. Kyoudai knew who these men were as a result of their statement and quickly bolted running, dodging the bullets by sliding into an allyway behind the research facility. He tripped on a crack in the pavement and fell into the side of a dumpster behind the building. He could hear sirens in the distance. The men were running towards him right as he saw a window above him slide open and a scientist tossed a test tube filled with a strange black substance out of the window thinking the dumpster was right below. The test tube shattered as it hit Kyoudai’s head. The shards of glass had caused him to bleed, but the black liquid distracted him. It appeared to be a living organism, an assumption, which was demonstrated when it started to cover his body. It was an odd feeling, but was soon replaced with a feeling of power. Kyoudai stood up with surprising ease and smirked as the criminals came near him. They started shooting, but the bullets looked as though they were moving in slow motion. He dodged them with ease then landed hard punches in each of the men. To his surprise, they caved in and he heard the crunch of bones. Kyoudai was soon filled with panic as he realized that the criminals were dead. He gathered his scattered things and then took off towards his house, soon learning that he could scale walls with ease as well. When Kyoudai arrived at his house he immediately went to a mirror because something about his face felt off. His reflection at first startled him, with the razor sharp, pointy teeth and ghostly eyes, but he soon overcame that fear. He detirmined that he could use this new fear-instilling image of his to fill criminals with fear once more. His power would double up with that and allow him to start punishing criminals. For the first time in years, Kyoudai Seishin felt whole and happy… ________________________________________ Next Chapter… Kyoudai Seishin has excellent new power, but in order for him to kill safely he must first learn something about his powers, and what he learns is a terrible and potentially deadly truth. Can Kyoudai save himself without forfeiting his powers? Okay... Well... I'm not being rude when I talk about your material here but I'm just going to look at it seriously as a writer as well as a reader. I honestly didn't like this for a whole lot of reasons... One of the first problems with this story is that it's a summary more than it is a prologue. Your telling me... not showing me. I don't want to be told, I want to be shown. Show me this mans day to day habits. Show me this mans failure. I want to experience it, not be told it. You can take this and make about two episodes out of it. Show me... don't tell me. Alright next thing that bothered me. This Character that you have set up is paper thin. He is so paper thin I could put my hand in front of it and almost point out all the wrinkles in my hand from looking through it. I think this sort of has to do with the previous problem which was show me don't tell me. Your character needs to establish who he is, what he does, why he does what he does, what he thinks, how he reacts... etc to that idea. Next problem... These gangsters that suddenly want him dead. Bring them to life, bring their boss to life, hell create a conspiracy! Give these gangsters a reason to exist in your story. Explain the back story to why your main character put the boss in jail, explain how this caused an emotional chain reaction amongst all the gangsters. Develop more on these characters, give them a more defining reason to exist in your story. Okay moving on. Your use of Convenience! AHHHH!!!! There is nothing I hate more in a story than pointless convenience! What do I mean when i say pointless convenience? Your character jumps for cover in a dumpster in an alleyway and just so happens to have a vial land on him of this dangerous liquid that turns him into a beast. (This can also be known as a wrong place, wrong time situation.) Now see the convenience in this just makes me angry. Look at this from a logical perspective if you will, Supposedly a random vial was thrown out of a window and lands on our main character. Now what scientist in their right mind would do something as stupid as that? Just randomly throw this dangerous vial out of a window. That's not even professional in the least for a scientist and it just makes the whole story as entirety just look silly. I think you need to rethink this whole random falling vial over again. This is my last complaint about your story, I promise! Now this is not so much as a complaint as it is a warning of me wanting you to be different. Just as somebody else said, This is basically a weaker version of the villain Venom from Spiderman. Now see, besides the fact that the venom suit were some of my favorite comic books of Spiderman (Yes, I am a huge comic book geek.), It was a very well thought out set of stories that made lots of sense and played with very human ideas that were creative. I have no problem with people that want to take a good idea and make it their own. Lots of really great and well thought out stories come from using this idea. The thing though is that you have to be ORIGINAL, make the story yours! Make it something completely well thought out and new that people didn't think to try. Well I think that is really all I wanted to write about this. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I really think it would be a much better idea if you take this whole thing back and rewrite it with my above ideas in mind. This could be a really fun idea and story, you just need to work harder on it is all. Thank u so much man for your opinion and pointers. I had intended on doing that but its a little hard for me to put all that in English, I would like to get more pointers for my writing and things I can improve while doing this... another opinion other than Yai's. |
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Always guarding your heart where ever u go.
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Yai-chan... I accidently deleated it... clicked on deleat instead of edit to insert the title and was too lazy to restore it, will do it later, don't worry.
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Always guarding your heart where ever u go.
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Moderator
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O.o, I see, ok then I'll wait for it, just thought something had happened to it!
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next step wedding!
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