Post Reply "Seidai" aka "Justice" by SetsunaHaptism
Posted 2/7/09 , edited 3/6/09
I have been working on this story for a good while now, thanks to Yaidoll I was able to make up my mind and posted here, its nothing epic, just something original a little story with lots of mistery and action on it. I should also mention that chapters will be posted once a month, or every 15 days, depending on my school and work schedule. Further more, I would like to anounce that Yai-san has been a huge contributer to this piece of work, so.... nothing left to say, but read on and leave me your thoughts on it.
++++ Domo arigato Yai-chan, you have outdone yourself!


Seidai's Prolog.



Seidai Chapter 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



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Posted 2/8/09
um... sounds like Venom.
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Posted 2/8/09
All right, though the prolog looks shorter than it used to!
I like it though, great job.
Posted 2/9/09

atelier7 wrote:

um... sounds like Venom.


..... Venom, y, is it because of the name?
Posted 2/9/09

yaidoll wrote:

All right, though the prolog looks shorter than it used to!
I like it though, great job.


Arigato, I know, I thought the same, but for some reason it looks like when it got translated its length shortened, but non of the context was lost, which is the good part.
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Posted 2/15/09

SetsunaHaptism wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

um... sounds like Venom.


..... Venom, y, is it because of the name?


err, because of the black thingy and stuff. :D

Posted 2/15/09

atelier7 wrote:


SetsunaHaptism wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

um... sounds like Venom.


..... Venom, y, is it because of the name?


err, because of the black thingy and stuff. :D



Oh yeah, I see now. lol
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Posted 3/6/09

SetsunaHaptism wrote:

I have been working on this story for a good while now, thanks to Yaidoll I was able to make up my mind and posted here, its nothing epic, just something original a little story with lots of mistery and action on it. I should also mention that chapters will be posted once a month, or every 15 days, depending on my school and work schedule. Further more, I would like to anounce that Yai-san has been a huge contributer to this piece of work, so.... nothing left to say, but read on and leave me your thoughts on it.
++++ Domo arigato Yai-chan, you have outdone yourself!


Seidai's Prolog.




Okay... Well... I'm not being rude when I talk about your material here but I'm just going to look at it seriously as a writer as well as a reader.
I honestly didn't like this for a whole lot of reasons...
One of the first problems with this story is that it's a summary more than it is a prologue. Your telling me... not showing me. I don't want to be told, I want to be shown. Show me this mans day to day habits. Show me this mans failure. I want to experience it, not be told it. You can take this and make about two episodes out of it. Show me... don't tell me.

Alright next thing that bothered me. This Character that you have set up is paper thin. He is so paper thin I could put my hand in front of it and almost point out all the wrinkles in my hand from looking through it. I think this sort of has to do with the previous problem which was show me don't tell me. Your character needs to establish who he is, what he does, why he does what he does, what he thinks, how he reacts... etc to that idea.

Next problem... These gangsters that suddenly want him dead. Bring them to life, bring their boss to life, hell create a conspiracy! Give these gangsters a reason to exist in your story. Explain the back story to why your main character put the boss in jail, explain how this caused an emotional chain reaction amongst all the gangsters. Develop more on these characters, give them a more defining reason to exist in your story.

Okay moving on. Your use of Convenience! AHHHH!!!! There is nothing I hate more in a story than pointless convenience! What do I mean when i say pointless convenience? Your character jumps for cover in a dumpster in an alleyway and just so happens to have a vial land on him of this dangerous liquid that turns him into a beast. (This can also be known as a wrong place, wrong time situation.) Now see the convenience in this just makes me angry. Look at this from a logical perspective if you will, Supposedly a random vial was thrown out of a window and lands on our main character. Now what scientist in their right mind would do something as stupid as that? Just randomly throw this dangerous vial out of a window. That's not even professional in the least for a scientist and it just makes the whole story as entirety just look silly. I think you need to rethink this whole random falling vial over again.

This is my last complaint about your story, I promise! Now this is not so much as a complaint as it is a warning of me wanting you to be different. Just as somebody else said, This is basically a weaker version of the villain Venom from Spiderman. Now see, besides the fact that the venom suit were some of my favorite comic books of Spiderman (Yes, I am a huge comic book geek.), It was a very well thought out set of stories that made lots of sense and played with very human ideas that were creative.
I have no problem with people that want to take a good idea and make it their own. Lots of really great and well thought out stories come from using this idea. The thing though is that you have to be ORIGINAL, make the story yours! Make it something completely well thought out and new that people didn't think to try.

Well I think that is really all I wanted to write about this. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I really think it would be a much better idea if you take this whole thing back and rewrite it with my above ideas in mind. This could be a really fun idea and story, you just need to work harder on it is all.
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Posted 3/6/09
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Where did ep 1 go.... grrrrrr, this thing was suposed to b posted a few hrs ago.... Setsuna, what happened?
lol, Nice coments Rezz, that's the main reason y I told him to post it here on its original script, he can get pointers from other ppl than just me.... Since its an experiment, when all chapters r up he will take each comment in to consideration and re-write it, in the mean time he will do the best he can... its his first story on Eng, and he is not very fluent writing on it.... the Jap one is much better, with more details than this, but too complex and hard to translate. M sure he will love each ones ofyour comments, they r very helpfull and creative for him.
Posted 3/6/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


SetsunaHaptism wrote:

I have been working on this story for a good while now, thanks to Yaidoll I was able to make up my mind and posted here, its nothing epic, just something original a little story with lots of mistery and action on it. I should also mention that chapters will be posted once a month, or every 15 days, depending on my school and work schedule. Further more, I would like to anounce that Yai-san has been a huge contributer to this piece of work, so.... nothing left to say, but read on and leave me your thoughts on it.
++++ Domo arigato Yai-chan, you have outdone yourself!


Seidai's Prolog.




Okay... Well... I'm not being rude when I talk about your material here but I'm just going to look at it seriously as a writer as well as a reader.
I honestly didn't like this for a whole lot of reasons...
One of the first problems with this story is that it's a summary more than it is a prologue. Your telling me... not showing me. I don't want to be told, I want to be shown. Show me this mans day to day habits. Show me this mans failure. I want to experience it, not be told it. You can take this and make about two episodes out of it. Show me... don't tell me.

Alright next thing that bothered me. This Character that you have set up is paper thin. He is so paper thin I could put my hand in front of it and almost point out all the wrinkles in my hand from looking through it. I think this sort of has to do with the previous problem which was show me don't tell me. Your character needs to establish who he is, what he does, why he does what he does, what he thinks, how he reacts... etc to that idea.

Next problem... These gangsters that suddenly want him dead. Bring them to life, bring their boss to life, hell create a conspiracy! Give these gangsters a reason to exist in your story. Explain the back story to why your main character put the boss in jail, explain how this caused an emotional chain reaction amongst all the gangsters. Develop more on these characters, give them a more defining reason to exist in your story.

Okay moving on. Your use of Convenience! AHHHH!!!! There is nothing I hate more in a story than pointless convenience! What do I mean when i say pointless convenience? Your character jumps for cover in a dumpster in an alleyway and just so happens to have a vial land on him of this dangerous liquid that turns him into a beast. (This can also be known as a wrong place, wrong time situation.) Now see the convenience in this just makes me angry. Look at this from a logical perspective if you will, Supposedly a random vial was thrown out of a window and lands on our main character. Now what scientist in their right mind would do something as stupid as that? Just randomly throw this dangerous vial out of a window. That's not even professional in the least for a scientist and it just makes the whole story as entirety just look silly. I think you need to rethink this whole random falling vial over again.

This is my last complaint about your story, I promise! Now this is not so much as a complaint as it is a warning of me wanting you to be different. Just as somebody else said, This is basically a weaker version of the villain Venom from Spiderman. Now see, besides the fact that the venom suit were some of my favorite comic books of Spiderman (Yes, I am a huge comic book geek.), It was a very well thought out set of stories that made lots of sense and played with very human ideas that were creative.
I have no problem with people that want to take a good idea and make it their own. Lots of really great and well thought out stories come from using this idea. The thing though is that you have to be ORIGINAL, make the story yours! Make it something completely well thought out and new that people didn't think to try.

Well I think that is really all I wanted to write about this. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I really think it would be a much better idea if you take this whole thing back and rewrite it with my above ideas in mind. This could be a really fun idea and story, you just need to work harder on it is all.


Thank u so much man for your opinion and pointers. I had intended on doing that but its a little hard for me to put all that in English, I would like to get more pointers for my writing and things I can improve while doing this... another opinion other than Yai's.
Posted 3/6/09
Yai-chan... I accidently deleated it... clicked on deleat instead of edit to insert the title and was too lazy to restore it, will do it later, don't worry.
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Posted 3/6/09
O.o, I see, ok then I'll wait for it, just thought something had happened to it!
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