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Post Reply Fallen Man's Deal
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Posted 2/9/09 , edited 2/15/09
Hello there, I am Coglock. I am a somewhat new user here, and I am here to post my story, with a working title, which is currently Fallen Man's Deal. Now, the reason I have a poll here, is to be able to quickly check on the audience's opinion on my story.

Now, the genre is lightly, Science fiction/cyberpunk/mecha, lightly because it doesn't focus on the technology or politics a lot. Now, this story is not romance, drama, or comedy, and it's definitely not meant to entertain radical shojo fans. Hell, this story is also created as an attempt to piss off shojo fangirls for some cheap laughs, though I like this story enough that I'd seriously write it. Now, I'll add a list of chapters in this post, the next post being information on the characters, some bits of machinery, and some species and planets decpicted in this (probably huge) fiction.

This story is also an attempt to write in a narrative style, and maybe a style that focuses more on character dialogue as well, since this idea orignally was going to be like a play, or written similarly to the way the bible, or greek mythological writings.
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There is a long prolouge to this fictional series. It is not only a collection of short stories that take place before the fiction's present canon, but as also to give more depth to the fiction. Each prologue will be added to more, due to that the known universe is very large, and most events before the time of Chapter01 also happens before Chapter01.


Prologue0:The meanings of everything.-----------------------------------------------------------------------Page01
Prologue1:It all has to start with nothing. And with that, an example of nothing.-------------------Page01
Prologue2:If we were champions...----------------------------------------------------------------------------Page02
Prologue3:Escaping Anarchy once again.------------------------------------------
Prologue4:Antmartyr.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue5:Our extinction.-----------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter0:The tidbits of our story before it really begins.-----------------------
Chapter01:If I could do it again, I'd make you do it.------------------------------
Chapter02:But in all senses, it's more of your fault.-----------------------------
Chapter03:Don't wait for something to happen.------------------------------------

The rest of the chapters will be added as soon as chapter 03 is complete.
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This post will be for character information.
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Prologue0:The meanings of everything.

Ionesen, the Northern subuniverse that exists. Subuniverses are a fragment of the entire known universe, and has been split into four areas, to help with mapping and locating. The other Subuniverses are Iosoub(South), Ioeall(East), and Iowelleck(West).

War has not raged since 7214, the day the Serapolda Military Universal United (otherwise known as SMUU) has launched a major invasion and extinction of the Fehnprax, three months prior to SMUU's first official document of creation. Created by the currently deceased Phineden Serapolda, leader and general of the old Universal Recon Units that have been "SMUU's old grandfather". the war against the UNR and the Actra Rebellion has destroyed no less than six hundred thousand galaxes(most of them being innocent or neutral galaxies), the day that event started could be called "Sixty Sixty". Since SMUUvUNR, the act of destroying a galaxy to the point of of its planets being uninhabitable or beyond is considered Deterraforming. Deterraforming has been an illegal process, though it is common in war, due to being a successful way of destroying the enemy. As a result of Deterraforming, SMUU has attempted to only Deterraform galaxies that have been in early control of their enemies.

Since 7214, SMUU has tried to solve violence problems in the universe, though at the time, they could only cover half a subgalaxy, and so they remained in Ionesen, until they expanded till they could watch over Ionesen and Iowelleck, keeping the peace across those two sections of the universe. The other two have been controlled by other governments, though they could not keep violence to halt, like SMUU has done.

In 7859, SMUU was now not the only major universal government, as now Regulator Enterprises National, a major universal government that mainly focuses on economy, has arisen to take over most of Iosoub. Ioeall was taken by Alferman, a superempire that was created by Devous LeBraud, who plotted to take over the entire universe, with his plan to create immortality by using a machine that could keep him alive and protection from natural causes of death. However, as a plan to spread out all his troops across the universe failed due to poor tatical planning and strategy, Devous was tortured to death by SMUU, as a form of execution. After SMUU discovered Devous' immortality machine, they invented the medical body regeneration device based off Devous' device, which could regenerate lost body parts and make them function perfectly, as if they were never lost. SMUU council also used the original immortality device for themselves, to keep SMUU from being controlled by a "wrongful" group of leaders. The two official supergovernents did not come to war until 8103, which was more like a smaller war for control of one of the universes' largest planets, Beypraden. SMUU won, but gave control to REN in 8234. During that small war, 5 new governments were born, but were crushed to the point of disorginization after SMUU's victory.
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Posted 2/9/09 , edited 2/11/09
Prologue01:It all has to start with nothing.(I will be slowly working on chapters, a paragraph or two per edit.)

"If there was one word to describe the small city of Melbarne, it'd be a word that's really hard to say or spell." Louise whispered to herself, as she took a final glimpse at a small window that reveals a decent view of a large fire. The inferno the elderly lady stares at chews apart at the city she speaks of, Melbarne. As a tear falls from her eye, she sees a series of explosions that finish the happy existence of Melbarne, and transform its buildings into debris and ash, with smoke covering anything graphic that may have occured within the city's limits. The old woman sobs and holds a child tightly, as the two and many others are being transported into deep space, until they find new and safer residence from SMUU's latest enemy, the Trest Overmafia, a large army of thugs who plan to bring about anarchy in any places they can't rule solidly with their rusty, iron fists.

Behind her was a young man who appears to be indifferent about their current situation, writing in a speed fast enough his pen appears to be in a snapping motion. He also looks stout and somewhat flushed. He sits on an old armless steel chair, and frequently meshes through pages of his notebook when he paused writing. He looks out the nearest window to his right, and continues writing in his journal.

The room itself was as white as the chair the young man and old lady, the floor is tiled with dark lines marking the edges of each little tile, while the walls shaded slightly grey, and 3 windows are on the walls, the windowless wall has a door that faces at the window at the opposite and eldery woman end of the room. The man and his chair sit to the right of the door, and is obviously ontemplating.

After the man's watch lights slightly and vibrates, he places his journal (which has a list of some names, "Poladkis" being written first, with the following sentence "That's me, gotta find everyone else." adjacent to the right of it.) on his chair, and walks out the room through the door. Doing so, the senior lady mumbles about something, and looks at the door as it opens and closes.

Fifty three minutes later(and about thirteen minutes later), a large noise that seems to be two metals crashing against eachother echoes to the room the old woman stands, and she turns and stands still. As she goes back to look at the window, the ship she stands in begins to fly into space. In another room, the same man who left his chair earlier looked as two strangely appearing soldiers prevent him from continuing through the hallway.

The exit sign above the soldiers read "Exit vehicle".
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Well, I read the first part of the prolog, so far it looks really interesting with a good organized plot, though I can't help to for some odd reason to relate it with the latest Macross series. lol, I don't know why, but it looks really good!
The names r a little confucing, but the chronological order looks nice enough.
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yaidoll wrote:

Well, I read the first part of the prolog, so far it looks really interesting with a good organized plot, though I can't help to for some odd reason to relate it with the latest Macross series. lol, I don't know why, but it looks really good!
The names r a little confucing, but the chronological order looks nice enough.


It's not really much of a prologue, Prologue0 basically tells of SMUU's creation, and many other things relating to SMUU. Chapter0 would tell of the basic hooha of everything that happens just before Chapter01. The names may be confusing because they're not real names. Also, I don't know much about Macross, so if my story is like it, then it's purely coincidential.
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Posted 2/9/09

Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Well, I read the first part of the prolog, so far it looks really interesting with a good organized plot, though I can't help to for some odd reason to relate it with the latest Macross series. lol, I don't know why, but it looks really good!
The names r a little confucing, but the chronological order looks nice enough.


It's not really much of a prologue, Prologue0 basically tells of SMUU's creation, and many other things relating to SMUU. Chapter0 would tell of the basic hooha of everything that happens just before Chapter01. The names may be confusing because they're not real names. Also, I don't know much about Macross, so if my story is like it, then it's purely coincidential.


I read the second one, it sounds like u have a really good grasp of where u want to take the story, very nice.
It actually has nothing to do with it, but for some reason that's what came to my mind as I read it, no big deal.
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yaidoll wrote:


Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Well, I read the first part of the prolog, so far it looks really interesting with a good organized plot, though I can't help to for some odd reason to relate it with the latest Macross series. lol, I don't know why, but it looks really good!
The names r a little confucing, but the chronological order looks nice enough.


It's not really much of a prologue, Prologue0 basically tells of SMUU's creation, and many other things relating to SMUU. Chapter0 would tell of the basic hooha of everything that happens just before Chapter01. The names may be confusing because they're not real names. Also, I don't know much about Macross, so if my story is like it, then it's purely coincidential.


I read the second one, it sounds like u have a really good grasp of where u want to take the story, very nice.
It actually has nothing to do with it, but for some reason that's what came to my mind as I read it, no big deal.


The reason the second and other prologues chapters have nothing to do with the main story is because it tells stories of non-canon or some canon characters and their life experiences before Chapter0 or Chapter01. I wanted to make it feel that the main characters are not the only ones who do anything slightly more than minor in the fiction, as well as making it feel more in depth.
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Posted 2/9/09

Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:


Coglock wrote:


yaidoll wrote:

Well, I read the first part of the prolog, so far it looks really interesting with a good organized plot, though I can't help to for some odd reason to relate it with the latest Macross series. lol, I don't know why, but it looks really good!
The names r a little confucing, but the chronological order looks nice enough.


It's not really much of a prologue, Prologue0 basically tells of SMUU's creation, and many other things relating to SMUU. Chapter0 would tell of the basic hooha of everything that happens just before Chapter01. The names may be confusing because they're not real names. Also, I don't know much about Macross, so if my story is like it, then it's purely coincidential.


I read the second one, it sounds like u have a really good grasp of where u want to take the story, very nice.
It actually has nothing to do with it, but for some reason that's what came to my mind as I read it, no big deal.


The reason the second and other prologues chapters have nothing to do with the main story is because it tells stories of non-canon or some canon characters and their life experiences before Chapter0 or Chapter01. I wanted to make it feel that the main characters are not the only ones who do anything slightly more than minor in the fiction, as well as making it feel more in depth.


I like that aproach to it, that way the story seems more logical and it emotionally makes the reader get in tune sort of speack with what is really happening and how the ppl of that time feel with all that's going on around them.
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Posted 2/10/09
OMG! You've organized the hell out of this prologue. This will be a fun read...
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well, well, well. first, I'd have to commend you for the organization. It really gives that sci-fi feel. Also, I can expect your story to be good if your ideas are arranged already. You might want to make your terms catchier, and, if possible, layered with meaning.
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atelier7 wrote:

well, well, well. first, I'd have to commend you for the organization. It really gives that sci-fi feel. Also, I can expect your story to be good if your ideas are arranged already. You might want to make your terms catchier, and, if possible, layered with meaning. :)


Thanks. When I can focus on the terms a bit more, I'll go do that. Though, it's not the term that makes the story.
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Coglock wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

well, well, well. first, I'd have to commend you for the organization. It really gives that sci-fi feel. Also, I can expect your story to be good if your ideas are arranged already. You might want to make your terms catchier, and, if possible, layered with meaning. :)


Thanks. When I can focus on the terms a bit more, I'll go do that. Though, it's not the term that makes the story.


Little details are really important.
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atelier7 wrote:


Coglock wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

well, well, well. first, I'd have to commend you for the organization. It really gives that sci-fi feel. Also, I can expect your story to be good if your ideas are arranged already. You might want to make your terms catchier, and, if possible, layered with meaning. :)


Thanks. When I can focus on the terms a bit more, I'll go do that. Though, it's not the term that makes the story.


Little details are really important. :)


Yes, I agree, but I have the opinion that I should work on the story first.
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