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Post Reply Good Fortune
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Posted 3/9/09
In all honesty, I'm not sure what possessed me to write this story. It's just plain weird.

The "f-word" will be used in the prologue, but I doubt I will use it for most of the story.

By the way, if you are not from a country that has fortune cookies, please read this wiki entry now. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortune_cookie It is vital to understanding this story.

Prologue


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Posted 3/10/09
Really interesting and u r right, this is very differnt form your other stories, but its real interesting and your writing style is getting better and better.
Since this is the prolog I wont say much, just great plot so far and a pretty good setting and story. M liking it, hope to read more soon and see where its going.
Congrats!
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Posted 3/10/09
...pfft... pfft... AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Oh my god... wow... Way to rewrite history in one of the strangest ways possible! Kudos to creativity as well as how entertaining it is. This threw me way off! lol
Well take it as far as you want. It is quite the odd ball story. Looking forward to the next awkward episode.
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Posted 3/10/09

Rezzy64 wrote:

...pfft... pfft... AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Oh my god... wow... Way to rewrite history in one of the strangest ways possible! Kudos to creativity as well as how entertaining it is. This threw me way off! lol
Well take it as far as you want. It is quite the odd ball story. Looking forward to the next awkward episode.


I told you it wouldn't be what you expected... :)

I desperately needed to write something other than Chthonia, at least for a couple weeks.

You can expect this to be an over-top ridiculous story. To put it in your own terms, I guess it's like a bizzare fusion between characteristics of He is My Master, Bobobo-bobo-bobobo, and Deathnote.
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Posted 3/10/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:

To put it in your own terms, I guess it's like a bizzare fusion between characteristics of He is My Master, Bobobo-bobo-bobobo, and Deathnote.


WTF kind of a combination is that? LOL
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Posted 3/21/09
awesome. i really like comedic weird, and it sometimes sucks for me that I'm better at surreal weird. This was ace! Though it really was just a thing to laugh about for a couple of minutes or so. If you could take this far it would be really cool.
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Posted 3/21/09

atelier7 wrote:

awesome. i really like comedic weird, and it sometimes sucks for me that I'm better at surreal weird. This was ace! Though it really was just a thing to laugh about for a couple of minutes or so. If you could take this far it would be really cool.


I will take it far, but probably not in the way the prologue might imply. Mainly, because there is only so much you can do to make fortune cookie writing itself funny, I will use fortune cookie writing more often as a device to make the two main characters obscenely wealthy than for its own sake. That is not to say that it will not play a large role, because of course, it will. However, I'm going to keep my mouth shut about what the story is going to entail for now.

Speaking of which, I have a solid block of time I am using to write this story, and I finally got past a problem section which was blocking me. Yay!
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Posted 3/21/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:


atelier7 wrote:

awesome. i really like comedic weird, and it sometimes sucks for me that I'm better at surreal weird. This was ace! Though it really was just a thing to laugh about for a couple of minutes or so. If you could take this far it would be really cool.


I will take it far, but probably not in the way the prologue might imply. Mainly, because there is only so much you can do to make fortune cookie writing itself funny, I will use fortune cookie writing more often as a device to make the two main characters obscenely wealthy than for its own sake. That is not to say that it will not play a large role, because of course, it will. However, I'm going to keep my mouth shut about what the story is going to entail for now.

Speaking of which, I have a solid block of time I am using to write this story, and I finally got past a problem section which was blocking me. Yay!


well, good thing you're on a riot, 'cause that means more EPIC. :))
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Posted 3/26/09 , edited 8/16/09
Episode 1

"Beware of friends who are enemy disguise."



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Posted 3/28/09
episode 1 was really fun. already the characters show distinct personalities, so butler-like, and so rich-kid like. and yet there are differences. the fortune thing really is just a device, huh. well, it doesn't matter, like i said before in love contract, i can't bring myself to criticize all which is adorable and cute.
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Alright... Well I'm sorry to say this, but I actually didn't like it a lot. I like your idea, but compared to your prologue, this just wasn't that funny. It just seemed to me you were trying to hard to be funny and that brought down the story a lot. I think it has a lot of potential to be hilarious, just as it did in the prologue, but I wasn't feeling that at all in the first time. There were a couple times where I chuckled to myself, for instance the one letter joke was funny (you could play with that a lot more), or when the explanation about the difference between real maids and cosplay maids was also funny. Subtle jokes like that were pretty funny and could be dragged out a bit more to be much funnier. A lot of the other jokes in the story were really bunt and felt sort of like a slap in the face for me, and made me think that they were more annoying rather than funny.

Also there was one thing that really annoyed me... I mean really annoyed me. Now it may seem like it's not a big deal, but to me it seemed like a big unnecessary piece that just ruined the story for me. That was the part of the computer using the name "Pile of shit" to make fun of the kid. I don't have anything against swearing at all, but that one use was just so blunt, unnecessary, and unfunny that it just stuck in my mind as a disappointment. it had no reason to be used in that part of the story and it just bothered the hell out of me because it just brings down the over all flow of the entire story, it even made me feel awkward about that whole part of the story. The computer is a well built and well constructed A.I. that works with the kid but doesn't enjoy it in the least. I (IMO Alert!) think that the computer should be smart and witty and thus use its intelligence and wittiness to make fun of the kid, such as smart ass comments and such, not bunt and pointless insults such as "Pile of shit". That was probably what bothered me the most in the entire story.

I'm sorry that my review might seem harsh, but I know that you are a great writer, and also based on your other material, I know you are hilarious! You made me bust up laughing at some of the small jokes you had in the Chthonia series. So I know that you can pull it off, I think you are just trying to hard to be funny, if you just ease up a bit and work with funny situations and funny conflicting dialogue a bit better I know you can pull it off! Think of how hilarious your prologue was, or even better think of some of the hilarious conflicting dialogue in Chthonia. I have faith in your comedy! Don't overwork the comedy and I know that this story will be great! ^_^
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Posted 4/1/09 , edited 4/1/09

Rezzy64 wrote:

Alright... Well I'm sorry to say this, but I actually didn't like it a lot. I like your idea, but compared to your prologue, this just wasn't that funny. It just seemed to me you were trying to hard to be funny and that brought down the story a lot. I think it has a lot of potential to be hilarious, just as it did in the prologue, but I wasn't feeling that at all in the first time. There were a couple times where I chuckled to myself, for instance the one letter joke was funny (you could play with that a lot more), or when the explanation about the difference between real maids and cosplay maids was also funny. Subtle jokes like that were pretty funny and could be dragged out a bit more to be much funnier. A lot of the other jokes in the story were really bunt and felt sort of like a slap in the face for me, and made me think that they were more annoying rather than funny.

Also there was one thing that really annoyed me... I mean really annoyed me. Now it may seem like it's not a big deal, but to me it seemed like a big unnecessary piece that just ruined the story for me. That was the part of the computer using the name "Pile of shit" to make fun of the kid. I don't have anything against swearing at all, but that one use was just so blunt, unnecessary, and unfunny that it just stuck in my mind as a disappointment. it had no reason to be used in that part of the story and it just bothered the hell out of me because it just brings down the over all flow of the entire story, it even made me feel awkward about that whole part of the story. The computer is a well built and well constructed A.I. that works with the kid but doesn't enjoy it in the least. I (IMO Alert!) think that the computer should be smart and witty and thus use its intelligence and wittiness to make fun of the kid, such as smart ass comments and such, not bunt and pointless insults such as "Pile of shit". That was probably what bothered me the most in the entire story.

I'm sorry that my review might seem harsh, but I know that you are a great writer, and also based on your other material, I know you are hilarious! You made me bust up laughing at some of the small jokes you had in the Chthonia series. So I know that you can pull it off, I think you are just trying to hard to be funny, if you just ease up a bit and work with funny situations and funny conflicting dialogue a bit better I know you can pull it off! Think of how hilarious your prologue was, or even better think of some of the hilarious conflicting dialogue in Chthonia. I have faith in your comedy! Don't overwork the comedy and I know that this story will be great! ^_^


Thank you.

And I appreciate the whole "you were trying to force through the humor" thing, but I really wasn't. I just wrote what I felt seemed right at the time, and would lead to the outcome I wanted in the plot.

Shangdi's "piece of shit" line is duly noted. Of course, I actually intentionally made the line jarring and unexpected on purpose, but if it actually made it unpleasant to read, then it's not a good idea. Do you recommend I actually go back and delete it. By the way, If it's any comfort, I intend to have it mock him with wit as well.

Anything other specifically odious jokes I should know about? (dons a suit of medieval armor)

I'm pleased to hear that you actually found parts of Chthonia funny. I had always assumed that no one had and I only continued to write jokes out of stubborness and inabillity to adapt from my original vision.
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Posted 4/1/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:

Thank you.

And I appreciate the whole "you were trying to force through the humor" thing, but I really wasn't. I just wrote what I felt seemed right at the time, and would lead to the outcome I wanted in the plot.

Shangdi's "piece of shit" line is duly noted. Of course, I actually intentionally made the line jarring and unexpected on purpose, but if it actually made it unpleasant to read, then it's not a good idea. Do you recommend I actually go back and delete it. By the way, If it's any comfort, I intend to have it mock him with wit as well.

Anything other specifically odious jokes I should know about? (dons a suit of medieval armor)

I'm pleased to hear that you actually found parts of Chthonia funny. I had always assumed that no one had and I only continued to write jokes out of stubborness and inabillity to adapt from my original vision.


Ha ha, yeah I thought there were some fairly hilarious parts in the Chthonia series, plus a lot of the bad mouthing jokes seemed more justified in the Chthonia series.
I just thought that that one use of "pile of shit" just really made the whole thing awkward for me. It felt like it put the entire story off of it's comfortable pace. It just didn't seem appropriate for that particular part. As an example to compare it to, at the end of the story when your narrator called the kid a little prick, that seemed more appropriate at the time it was used, because it was presented smoothly and it didn't mess up the pace of how the story was flowing.
I don't know, maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, but it just felt really blunt and unnecessary.
There's not much that bothered me much from that.
Just like I said before there were some jokes in the story that I really did enjoy that could have definitely been dragged out a bit longer. You should try something along the lines of a joke that drags on as a small conversation or something along those lines.(<- IMO)
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Posted 4/2/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

Thank you.

And I appreciate the whole "you were trying to force through the humor" thing, but I really wasn't. I just wrote what I felt seemed right at the time, and would lead to the outcome I wanted in the plot.

Shangdi's "piece of shit" line is duly noted. Of course, I actually intentionally made the line jarring and unexpected on purpose, but if it actually made it unpleasant to read, then it's not a good idea. Do you recommend I actually go back and delete it. By the way, If it's any comfort, I intend to have it mock him with wit as well.

Anything other specifically odious jokes I should know about? (dons a suit of medieval armor)

I'm pleased to hear that you actually found parts of Chthonia funny. I had always assumed that no one had and I only continued to write jokes out of stubborness and inabillity to adapt from my original vision.


Ha ha, yeah I thought there were some fairly hilarious parts in the Chthonia series, plus a lot of the bad mouthing jokes seemed more justified in the Chthonia series.
I just thought that that one use of "pile of shit" just really made the whole thing awkward for me. It felt like it put the entire story off of it's comfortable pace. It just didn't seem appropriate for that particular part. As an example to compare it to, at the end of the story when your narrator called the kid a little prick, that seemed more appropriate at the time it was used, because it was presented smoothly and it didn't mess up the pace of how the story was flowing.
I don't know, maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, but it just felt really blunt and unnecessary.
There's not much that bothered me much from that.
Just like I said before there were some jokes in the story that I really did enjoy that could have definitely been dragged out a bit longer. You should try something along the lines of a joke that drags on as a small conversation or something along those lines.(<- IMO)


Thank you. So, do you recommend that I edit?
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Posted 4/2/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

Thank you.

And I appreciate the whole "you were trying to force through the humor" thing, but I really wasn't. I just wrote what I felt seemed right at the time, and would lead to the outcome I wanted in the plot.

Shangdi's "piece of shit" line is duly noted. Of course, I actually intentionally made the line jarring and unexpected on purpose, but if it actually made it unpleasant to read, then it's not a good idea. Do you recommend I actually go back and delete it. By the way, If it's any comfort, I intend to have it mock him with wit as well.

Anything other specifically odious jokes I should know about? (dons a suit of medieval armor)

I'm pleased to hear that you actually found parts of Chthonia funny. I had always assumed that no one had and I only continued to write jokes out of stubborness and inabillity to adapt from my original vision.


Ha ha, yeah I thought there were some fairly hilarious parts in the Chthonia series, plus a lot of the bad mouthing jokes seemed more justified in the Chthonia series.
I just thought that that one use of "pile of shit" just really made the whole thing awkward for me. It felt like it put the entire story off of it's comfortable pace. It just didn't seem appropriate for that particular part. As an example to compare it to, at the end of the story when your narrator called the kid a little prick, that seemed more appropriate at the time it was used, because it was presented smoothly and it didn't mess up the pace of how the story was flowing.
I don't know, maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, but it just felt really blunt and unnecessary.
There's not much that bothered me much from that.
Just like I said before there were some jokes in the story that I really did enjoy that could have definitely been dragged out a bit longer. You should try something along the lines of a joke that drags on as a small conversation or something along those lines.(<- IMO)


Thank you. So, do you recommend that I edit?


Huh, Well It's totally up to you but, if you are to edit, don't do too much editing, I suggest just clearing up a few of the dry jokes, maybe extend a few of the funnier ones (just like the examples I gave of which ones I thought were pretty funny), and please god change the computers lines to be a bit more of a constructive humor.
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