First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
Post Reply Good Fortune
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 4/2/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

Thank you.

And I appreciate the whole "you were trying to force through the humor" thing, but I really wasn't. I just wrote what I felt seemed right at the time, and would lead to the outcome I wanted in the plot.

Shangdi's "piece of shit" line is duly noted. Of course, I actually intentionally made the line jarring and unexpected on purpose, but if it actually made it unpleasant to read, then it's not a good idea. Do you recommend I actually go back and delete it. By the way, If it's any comfort, I intend to have it mock him with wit as well.

Anything other specifically odious jokes I should know about? (dons a suit of medieval armor)

I'm pleased to hear that you actually found parts of Chthonia funny. I had always assumed that no one had and I only continued to write jokes out of stubborness and inabillity to adapt from my original vision.


Ha ha, yeah I thought there were some fairly hilarious parts in the Chthonia series, plus a lot of the bad mouthing jokes seemed more justified in the Chthonia series.
I just thought that that one use of "pile of shit" just really made the whole thing awkward for me. It felt like it put the entire story off of it's comfortable pace. It just didn't seem appropriate for that particular part. As an example to compare it to, at the end of the story when your narrator called the kid a little prick, that seemed more appropriate at the time it was used, because it was presented smoothly and it didn't mess up the pace of how the story was flowing.
I don't know, maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, but it just felt really blunt and unnecessary.
There's not much that bothered me much from that.
Just like I said before there were some jokes in the story that I really did enjoy that could have definitely been dragged out a bit longer. You should try something along the lines of a joke that drags on as a small conversation or something along those lines.(<- IMO)


Thank you. So, do you recommend that I edit?


Huh, Well It's totally up to you but, if you are to edit, don't do too much editing, I suggest just clearing up a few of the dry jokes, maybe extend a few of the funnier ones (just like the examples I gave of which ones I thought were pretty funny), and please god change the computers lines to be a bit more of a constructive humor.


Is the computer ever funny? I need to know to write more episodes.
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 4/2/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

Thank you.

And I appreciate the whole "you were trying to force through the humor" thing, but I really wasn't. I just wrote what I felt seemed right at the time, and would lead to the outcome I wanted in the plot.

Shangdi's "piece of shit" line is duly noted. Of course, I actually intentionally made the line jarring and unexpected on purpose, but if it actually made it unpleasant to read, then it's not a good idea. Do you recommend I actually go back and delete it. By the way, If it's any comfort, I intend to have it mock him with wit as well.

Anything other specifically odious jokes I should know about? (dons a suit of medieval armor)

I'm pleased to hear that you actually found parts of Chthonia funny. I had always assumed that no one had and I only continued to write jokes out of stubborness and inabillity to adapt from my original vision.


Ha ha, yeah I thought there were some fairly hilarious parts in the Chthonia series, plus a lot of the bad mouthing jokes seemed more justified in the Chthonia series.
I just thought that that one use of "pile of shit" just really made the whole thing awkward for me. It felt like it put the entire story off of it's comfortable pace. It just didn't seem appropriate for that particular part. As an example to compare it to, at the end of the story when your narrator called the kid a little prick, that seemed more appropriate at the time it was used, because it was presented smoothly and it didn't mess up the pace of how the story was flowing.
I don't know, maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, but it just felt really blunt and unnecessary.
There's not much that bothered me much from that.
Just like I said before there were some jokes in the story that I really did enjoy that could have definitely been dragged out a bit longer. You should try something along the lines of a joke that drags on as a small conversation or something along those lines.(<- IMO)


Thank you. So, do you recommend that I edit?


Huh, Well It's totally up to you but, if you are to edit, don't do too much editing, I suggest just clearing up a few of the dry jokes, maybe extend a few of the funnier ones (just like the examples I gave of which ones I thought were pretty funny), and please god change the computers lines to be a bit more of a constructive humor.


Is the computer ever funny? I need to know to write more episodes.


Well like how do you mean? I didn't think the computer was very funny at all but I know that if you work on it you can make the computer a very entertaining character. You should try using smart ass humor for the computer.
Have you ever heard of a Sunday comic series called Calvin and Hobbes? It is probably one of the most genius smart ass humor comics of all time. I bet if you were to read a few of those you would begin to understand what kind of humor I'm talking about.
It's the idea of using wit to insult people rather than blunt insults and nasty names. (Ex. "Your Simian Continence suggests a heritage rich in species diversity.")
You kind of get what I'm saying right? It's a computer, it's not stupid. (I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, just trying to give you something constructive to work with. :D)
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 4/3/09 , edited 4/3/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

Well like how do you mean? I didn't think the computer was very funny at all but I know that if you work on it you can make the computer a very entertaining character. You should try using smart ass humor for the computer.
Have you ever heard of a Sunday comic series called Calvin and Hobbes? It is probably one of the most genius smart ass humor comics of all time. I bet if you were to read a few of those you would begin to understand what kind of humor I'm talking about.
It's the idea of using wit to insult people rather than blunt insults and nasty names. (Ex. "Your Simian Continence suggests a heritage rich in species diversity.")
You kind of get what I'm saying right? It's a computer, it's not stupid. (I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, just trying to give you something constructive to work with. :D)


I'm not certain what you mean by calling Calvin and Hobbes a "sunday strip," because it definitely had more than just Sunday strips. I've read all of the strips in the series and own all of them except for the strips in "It's a Magical World."

But I must object; swearing in no way indicates that Shangdi is stupid and I don't see why it would. My original vision was that it would pretty much say whatever the hell it wanted to, just like a person. It was pissed at Tyler for being rude to it and swore at him.
Moderator
8502 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / California
Offline
Posted 4/3/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


The_8th_Sin wrote:

Well like how do you mean? I didn't think the computer was very funny at all but I know that if you work on it you can make the computer a very entertaining character. You should try using smart ass humor for the computer.
Have you ever heard of a Sunday comic series called Calvin and Hobbes? It is probably one of the most genius smart ass humor comics of all time. I bet if you were to read a few of those you would begin to understand what kind of humor I'm talking about.
It's the idea of using wit to insult people rather than blunt insults and nasty names. (Ex. "Your Simian Continence suggests a heritage rich in species diversity.")
You kind of get what I'm saying right? It's a computer, it's not stupid. (I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, just trying to give you something constructive to work with. :D)


I'm not certain what you mean by calling Calvin and Hobbes a "sunday strip," because it definitely had more than just Sunday strips. I've read all of the strips in the series and own all of them except for the strips in "It's a Magical World."

But I must object; swearing in no way indicates that Shangdi is stupid and I don't see why it would. My original vision was that it would pretty much say whatever the hell it wanted to, just like a person. It was pissed at Tyler for being rude to it and swore at him.


Alright, Okay I get what you mean. Well just work with what you got then, I'm sure you can do well with it.
Rookie
6336 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Above Wherever I...
Offline
Posted 4/10/09
i guess this is sorta an idea dump for you right now. It really has no significant plot, and even if there were to be one it would be messy. On fanfiction.net, this would be what would qualify as a crackfic

is critiqeu actually valuable from someone like me? ur writing went from intense realism to a sort of lackadaisical mess. Sorta like modern art galleries. i can't say iappreciate it much at all, and there is no imagery popping into my head, which is prolly bad.

i couldn't actually read some of the longer parts in the prologue and skipped a few lines in chapter 1 because i knew it wasn't that important and so could afford to skim. A HUGE contrast to your other two stories, which I had to REREAD in detail despite already going through it thoroughly once to get all the twists, humor, etc. Just not my cup of tea I guess...there is no even an indication that writing fortunes is difficult or causes any change in society yet.
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 4/10/09

Jojiro wrote:

i guess this is sorta an idea dump for you right now. It really has no significant plot, and even if there were to be one it would be messy. On fanfiction.net, this would be what would qualify as a crackfic

is critiqeu actually valuable from someone like me? ur writing went from intense realism to a sort of lackadaisical mess. Sorta like modern art galleries. i can't say iappreciate it much at all, and there is no imagery popping into my head, which is prolly bad.

i couldn't actually read some of the longer parts in the prologue and skipped a few lines in chapter 1 because i knew it wasn't that important and so could afford to skim. A HUGE contrast to your other two stories, which I had to REREAD in detail despite already going through it thoroughly once to get all the twists, humor, etc. Just not my cup of tea I guess...there is no even an indication that writing fortunes is difficult or causes any change in society yet.


Okay...

I'm not really annoyed or offended by your response really, but I'm just a little bit surprised by it. I wasn't expected this kind of reaction.

Yes, I'll admit that unfortunately, due to space limitations, I was unable to make the plot kick fully into gear in the first episode. However, it is definitely there, and it is actually quite simple and elegant (in my opinion anyway) Perhaps I could afford to make it more clear, but when Tyler and Daniel realize each others' identities, it's going to get violent.

Come on now. It isn't fair to skip parts, is it? How did you know that it wasn't important if you hadn't read it yet?

Yes, my writing style has gone from realism to lackadaisical (although I do hope it isn't actually a mess), but that sort of was the point of the story. If Good Fortune isn't goofy, then there's absolutely no point. Yes, this story is extremely different from Chthonia or Urdumekeit, but that's because it's a different genre. Unlike my other animes, Good Fortune is comedy first, action second (and yes, it does qualify as an action anime)

Of course writing fortune cookies isn't difficult! That's the whole point...

Thank you for reading and commenting. I think that episode two will change your mind about the series, at least a little bit, but I could be wrong of course. If you're willing, would you read my second episode when it comes out?

Rookie
6336 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Above Wherever I...
Offline
Posted 4/12/09 , edited 4/12/09


Fine. I'll give the next one a chance.

I don't mean I intentionally think about skipping parts. I mean I can't actually concentrate on it enough. A large part of the reason I read so few of the stories in this group is because, for one reason or another, I can't concentrate on it enough to avoid skimming. I have the same problem on Fanfiction.net. And I know it isn't important because I don't feel like I'm missing anything. When reading your previous ones, if I skimmed, I noticed quickly. For this one, I noticed afterward because there were chunks I didn't remember reading, and that is worrying.

That's also why I wonder if my critique is necessary (I'm taking time to spell and space this time, btw). I just don't read this type of genre well...I probably wouldn't like it much in manga form either. Why mince...I really want to flame this story, almost in an irrational manner.

Fortune cookies: I thought, much like atelier, that the Fortune cookies actually WERE valuable, in some manner. The introduction dashes that idea to the ground, seeing as he just randomly writes nonsense. Just because I was used to your old writing, I expected something whimsical, but still somewhat serious, along the lines of:



Witty humor, more bordering on sarcasm and simple amusement at the relationship between the two. Also, the fortune proves to be significant, though still similar to real fortune cookies.

Oh, if you have the time, search up "Clay Clocks Tick Back" on Fanfiction.net.
Moderator
15623 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Labs, towns, citi...
Offline
Posted 4/13/09

Jojiro wrote:



Fine. I'll give the next one a chance.

I don't mean I intentionally think about skipping parts. I mean I can't actually concentrate on it enough. A large part of the reason I read so few of the stories in this group is because, for one reason or another, I can't concentrate on it enough to avoid skimming. I have the same problem on Fanfiction.net. And I know it isn't important because I don't feel like I'm missing anything. When reading your previous ones, if I skimmed, I noticed quickly. For this one, I noticed afterward because there were chunks I didn't remember reading, and that is worrying.

That's also why I wonder if my critique is necessary (I'm taking time to spell and space this time, btw). I just don't read this type of genre well...I probably wouldn't like it much in manga form either. Why mince...I really want to flame this story, almost in an irrational manner.

Fortune cookies: I thought, much like atelier, that the Fortune cookies actually WERE valuable, in some manner. The introduction dashes that idea to the ground, seeing as he just randomly writes nonsense. Just because I was used to your old writing, I expected something whimsical, but still somewhat serious, along the lines of:



Witty humor, more bordering on sarcasm and simple amusement at the relationship between the two. Also, the fortune proves to be significant, though still similar to real fortune cookies.

Oh, if you have the time, search up "Clay Clocks Tick Back" on Fanfiction.net.


Thank you. I now understand your complaints better. Rather than actually change the first episode, I'll see what I can do on the second one.

Our disagreement on the usage of fortunes is one of the most vital. Part of the aesthetic of the story is that although the narrator and all of the characters will claim that fortune cookie writing is difficult, they will never give any evidence to support this claim. This is not really supposed to be funny; it is supposed to be absurdist and irrational.

I do this for two reasons:

1. It offers a lesson in perspective. By presenting something that seems bizzare as completely normal, one can make an audience think.
2. It reflects the way that the world is controlled by forces that make no sense. The fortune cookies in my story are exactly what they are in real life. Slips of paper with little messages that could only be relevant to one's life by pure chance. And yet, why are they it valuable? In our world, gold has almost no practical use, and yet, is still blindly considered by many to be the basis of currency. Why do people want it? Because it's become a status symbol. As long as people value gold at a certain amount, it is worth that amount. Which brings me back to the one idea I can't stop writing about: the belief that there is no reality outside of common belief and that human perspective is self-fufilling. (Well, that was a tangent)

You might be wondering "If he's just using fortunes as a device to represent something that's valuable for no concievable reason, why use fortunes? Why not use something random?" I used fortunes because they represent an American perspective on China and Asia in general. There must be tons of people in America who think that fortune cookies were a Chinese invention, and yet, they have nothing to do with China.

The other reason I used fortunes is because they provoke just such an incredulous reaction immediately. The first scene in episode one with Tyler writing fortunes was absurd because after such a build-up (both in his mental preparation, with the music and lights and all, and in the way fortunes were portrayed in the prologue) it turned out that writing fortunes really was a job that took no skill whatsoever.

I understand that in choosing this usage of fortunes, I have to forfeit the plotlines and jokes that would be possible with actually valuable fortunes (such as the little scene you wrote up). But I have plenty of material anyway, and I feel like making those jokes and plotlines possible, and then not using them, would be unsatisfying to the reader.

Sorry, but I keep forgetting to search for that thing, I promise I will soon.
Rookie
6336 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Above Wherever I...
Offline
Posted 4/22/09

The_8th_Sin wrote:
Thank you. I now understand your complaints better. Rather than actually change the first episode, I'll see what I can do on the second one.

Our disagreement on the usage of fortunes is one of the most vital. Part of the aesthetic of the story is that although the narrator and all of the characters will claim that fortune cookie writing is difficult, they will never give any evidence to support this claim. This is not really supposed to be funny; it is supposed to be absurdist and irrational.

I do this for two reasons:

1. It offers a lesson in perspective. By presenting something that seems bizzare as completely normal, one can make an audience think.
2. It reflects the way that the world is controlled by forces that make no sense. The fortune cookies in my story are exactly what they are in real life. Slips of paper with little messages that could only be relevant to one's life by pure chance. And yet, why are they it valuable? In our world, gold has almost no practical use, and yet, is still blindly considered by many to be the basis of currency. Why do people want it? Because it's become a status symbol. As long as people value gold at a certain amount, it is worth that amount. Which brings me back to the one idea I can't stop writing about: the belief that there is no reality outside of common belief and that human perspective is self-fufilling. (Well, that was a tangent)

You might be wondering "If he's just using fortunes as a device to represent something that's valuable for no concievable reason, why use fortunes? Why not use something random?" I used fortunes because they represent an American perspective on China and Asia in general. There must be tons of people in America who think that fortune cookies were a Chinese invention, and yet, they have nothing to do with China.

The other reason I used fortunes is because they provoke just such an incredulous reaction immediately. The first scene in episode one with Tyler writing fortunes was absurd because after such a build-up (both in his mental preparation, with the music and lights and all, and in the way fortunes were portrayed in the prologue) it turned out that writing fortunes really was a job that took no skill whatsoever.

I understand that in choosing this usage of fortunes, I have to forfeit the plotlines and jokes that would be possible with actually valuable fortunes (such as the little scene you wrote up). But I have plenty of material anyway, and I feel like making those jokes and plotlines possible, and then not using them, would be unsatisfying to the reader.

Sorry, but I keep forgetting to search for that thing, I promise I will soon.


Happy face. You haven't gone insane after all.
First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.