[FANFIC*] soul mates or lost souls?
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Posted 3/24/09 , edited 4/6/09
hii everyone!!
karyy here~
Sooo well as u have noticed XD ....
I decided to make my own fanfic, I hope you like it
And well, everything it’s like in the anime, except that at the beginning she doesn’t know ikuto (at all), and I don’t think I am including charas at all >.< don’t hate me
… And well, the couple is amuto…
Please type honest comments XP

So the main story is that 14 years old amu, has been suffering a lot…
And one day when she was thinking about how her life would change
She got into an accident and looses all her memories, now she will have to discover if she wants to move on or if she will fight to recover her memories…but new complications appear in her life… since the accident she got the ability to see death people … and well you will have to discover the rest on the fanfic =D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

introduction:



chapter one: sorrowful




chapter two: tears...?

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22 / F / Dubtown, California
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Posted 3/24/09
You trail off a bit too much. After a while it gets monotonous, and most of the time you could have just used a period. it makes the speaker sound bored as they're telling the story.

Also, if you're going to do it in first person, then don't use any script format writing AT ALL. The flash back could also have been put in so that she was just explaining something that had happened.

As for the story... Sorry, but over all it's pretty unrealistic and overused. You make Amu into an overly depressed suicidal girl who has absolutely no strength. Really, since she had no parents watching, she would have committed suicide after Yaya's death. Ikuto has no depth to him at all. You've made him completely obsessive about Amu, and she's not his whole world.

There a lot of better ways you could have put this, but for an early try, it's actually really good. I suggest spending more time thinking about the idea before continuing, and reading some books that are at a challenging level. I suggest reading... Oh, Dealing with Dragons, if you can find it at your library, and then try to find a copy of The Wee Free Men and then To Kill A Mockingbird.

The first book's pretty good, but if you compare it to the second and third, it's pretty lacking. The Wee Free Men has a really nice tone in the reading that keeps you interested, and To Kill A Mockingbird, although it's a pretty advanced book, has some of the best developed characters of all time. Atticus, the father, is always on the top 100 best characters ever made list.

I know that it probably makes no sense to read in order to write a fan fic, but I think it will help you get better at writing if you do this. Good readers are often good writers, because they know how to follow example. See if you can read those books, and pay close attention to the way they're written and their characters. It'll really help you fix this idea up into something a lot better, which I know you're capable of. Try hard and think hard! Good luck!
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20 / F / Unicorn land :)
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Posted 3/24/09
hello ! (:
fan of my fanfiction XP.
http://www.crunchyroll.com/forumtopic-401503/fanfictionhes-the-one-irreplacable/
thks for staying loyal t my ff.

the plot is quite unique (:(:
but advice : don't use too much of the ' ..... ' .
it's like, the whole chapter is full of ' ......... ' s.
anyw, good try for 1st time and continue !
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20 / F / singapore
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Posted 3/25/09
love it. but dun put too much ........ its kinda weird(: add more discriptive words too(: continue pls!!
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F / JUPITER!
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Posted 3/25/09
erm, just a comment, but try to avoid short forms.

(you can choose not to heed this.)
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Posted 3/26/09
thanx for all ur comments =D
i really appreciate it
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Posted 4/2/09
hi there
karyy here~
i have uploaded already so please read it~
thankiezz
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22 / F / THE GOOD OLD U.S....
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Posted 4/2/09
cool fanfic! try not to use the"....." just use a period. but other than that, i like the plotline and please continue!
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22 / F / ask me
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Posted 4/3/09
Oooo i likey plz write more!!!!
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20 / F / singapore
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Posted 4/7/09
nice story plot. but put more paragraphs so tat its easier for others to read. love yr fanfic though(:
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21 / F
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Posted 4/25/09
nice, can't wait for more! update soon!
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