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[FANFICTION] Rebellious
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22 / F / THE GOOD OLD U.S....
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Posted 4/2/09 , edited 4/26/09
hey guys! i , appu-chan, am back with my second fanfic. i decided to keep "can love be found?" on hold so i can decide how the story is really going. anyway, this story has been nagging the back of my mind for weeks so here's the summary~

in the 1700's, two very powerful countries, seiyo and easter, are at constant war over the embryo, a shining stone that apperently has magical powers. finally, after many years, the two kings want to end the fighting and make peace with each other. they decide to marry their oldest children with each other so that they could unite the two countries and both of them could have the embryo. of course things didn't go exactly as planned...

enter hinamori amu, the beautiful princess of seiyo. she always obeyed her father's will, and was called the most perfect lady , in both manners and etiquette. but when she heard that she was going to marry a complete stranger, she finally snapped. one sentence went through her mind. " i'm going to rebel".

meet tsukiyomi ikuto, the drop-dead hot prince of easter. he was always considered the rebellious one and he never cared about his father's wishes. i bet you can guess what went through his head when he heard about the marrige...

two complete strangers. two totally different lives. and yet they were going to marry. i wonder what will happen?... read to find out!


please tell me if you like the summary and if i should continue!


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21 / F / In front of ma la...
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Posted 4/2/09

appupuppu wrote:

hey guys! i , appu-chan, am back with my second fanfic. i decided to keep "can love be found?" on hold so i can decide how the story is really going. anyway, this story has been nagging the back of my mind for weeks so here's the summary~

in the 1700's, two very powerful countries, seiyo and easter, are at constant war over the embryo, a shining stone that apperently has magical powers. finally, after many years, the two kings want to end the fighting and make peace with each other. they decide to marry their oldest children with each other so that they could unite the two countries and both of them could have the embryo. of course things didn't go exactly as planned...

enter hinamori amu, the beautiful princess of seiyo. she always obeyed her father's will, and was called the most perfect lady , in both manners and etiquette. but when she heard that she was going to marry a complete stranger, she finally snapped. one sentence went through her mind. " i'm going to rebel".

meet tsukiyomi ikuto, the prince of easter. he was always considered the rebellious one and he never cared about his father's wishes. i bet you can guess what went through his head when he heard about the marrige.

two complete strangers. two totally different lives. and yet they were going to marry. i wonder what will happen?... read to find out!


please tell me if you like the summary and if i should continue!




i like the summary it seems awsome so plz plz plz write this story!!! XD
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Posted 4/2/09
OH MY GOD!
U HAVE TO KEEP THIS FANFIC, IT SOUNDS COMPLETELY AWESOME!!!!!!
OMG i love the summary >_<
Posted 4/2/09
GO FOR IT!!!! i cant wait!! sounds awesome!!!!!


gambatte!!
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20 / F / singapore
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Posted 4/3/09
woots! awesome summary! pls do this fanfic!!
Posted 4/3/09
Oh it sounds good! I'd totally read it :3
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22 / F / THE GOOD OLD U.S....
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Posted 4/3/09
thankz for the awesome reviews guys! i'm totally going for this story! i'll post the first chapter as soon as i can!
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Posted 4/4/09
it sounds awesome write it please

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22 / F / Kew, Melbourne
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Posted 4/4/09
omg sounds hot ^^ plz continue !!!!!
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22 / F / THE GOOD OLD U.S....
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Posted 4/5/09
Chapter One Visitor~
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

(nobody's p.o.v.)

the wind whispered through the trees, ruffling leaves and leaving the smell of fresh air. below the tree's big branches a boy was riding a bike.


he leaned his head back and breathed in the wonderful scent of the flowers that were surrounding the deserted path. the boy seemed to be enjoying his time before he had to go back to the bustling city. at last, he could see the tip of the huge castle of seiyo poking out of the trees. " i love long bike rides in peace and qiuet", he mumured to himself.


suddenly, the calmness was interrepted by the shrill sound of a horn. the boy looked around in confsion and then started pedling towards the city at full speed.


he burst out of the woods and looked at the scene before him. all the people were crowded around the main street that led to the castle. the boy raised his eyebrows in suprise. even the rich men and women that acted like they were too good for everything came out of their extravagent houses. the men's bright robes and the women's silk corset dresses glittered in the sunlight.


the boy spotted someone that he knew and asked her what was going on. " you don't know? tsukiyomi aruto, the king of easter is going to our castle to talk with king hinamori!", she said, bursting with excitement. the boy, however, narrowed his eyes. easter was the rival country to seiyo. seiyo and easter were always at war over a magical object called the embryo.


he scrunched up his eyes, clearly in deep thought. why did the king of easter come to seiyo?


(at the castle)


king hinamori tsugumu was fast asleep. his head was laying flat down of his desk and he was deeply snoring. his snores were only interrupted by an occasional " ami-chan is soo cute..."s and " amu-chan is so perfect..."s.


with a loud bang, the door of the king's office opened to reveal the king's advisor, who was standing there with his face flushed as if he ran all the way there. king tsugumu lifted his head and bits of light brown strands of hair fell over his eyes.


"what's wrong...", he mumbled sleeply. he slowly lifted his head and looked at his advisor. he seemed to almost burst out laughing when he saw his advisors appearance.


the advisor's usually tidy black hair was now sticking up in several places and his ears were bright red. a feather from his ridiculus hat that he always wore seemed to be poking his eye and his robes seemed to be very wrinkled.


"what's got you so flustered", king tsugumu asked him.


it took a few attempts before the advisor could say coherant words. "y-your magesty! king aruto and a band of his soldiers are coming up to the castle at this very moment!"


tsugumu stood up. "what!?", he shouted.

tsugumu quickly adjusted his robes and almost ran to the door of the castle. he called some of his guards to accompany him as he went outside to meet king aruto.


outside, aruto was waiting for king tsugumu. aruto was strikingly handsome with his black-blue hair and midnight eyes. "king tsugumu.", aruto said while bowing slightly. king tsugumu returned the greeting. " why have you come?", asked tsugumu stiffly.


"i have a proposition to make... but i will tell it to you tommorow. tonight, me and my soldiers will camp outside the castle if that's alright with you.", aruto repiled.


"very well.", tsugumu said as he departed.


(at night)


a shadowy figure squeezed through a window on the ground floor of the castle. it jumped down and quickly started running to the training grounds. another figure greeted it with a curt nod. then it threw the first figure a sword and a helmet and both figures stepped back into a ready stance.


with a thud, the first figure ran toward the second one. the clashing of two swords rang through the night sky. with astonishing speed, the figures started striking and parring blows of their swords.


they both seemed to be equally matched as they were sparring. the second figure swung the sword at the first figure's legs, but the first figure jumped just in time and almost sliced of the second figure's hand.


the second figure seemed to realize that it was losing and made a desperate strike towards the first figure's head. the first figure quickly parred the blow and brought the tip of its sword to the second figure's neck. " i won.", announced the first figure in a velvety voice.


the second figure took off its helmet revealing a teenage boy with brown hair and green eyes. the first figure took the sword away from the boy's neck and threw it on the ground. " good jod hinamori!", said the boy while flashing his thumbs up. "that's the first time you beat me."


the first figure took off its helmet. long pink hair and golden orbs were revealed. it was hinamori amu, the princess and next queen of seiyo.
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

yay! the first chappy is finally done! please R&R!
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Posted 4/5/09 , edited 4/5/09

appupuppu wrote:


You know what? I'm going to give you a nice, long, hopefully helpful review. Not because I don't like your fanfiction, because I do like your fanfiction, but because sometimes I wish that people would give me criticism on what I write but they never do. So here I go:
(Quick Note: This is not meant to come out mean, just as criticism and my honest opinions. If I somehow offend you, I'm sorry. I just wish that people would do this to my fanfiction but they never do. So... yeah...)

Okay, the plotline seemed good. However, the first chapter seemed to be jumping all over the place. I'm guessing it's just the way the first chapter is supposed to go so that readers could get a better view on what each character is doing, but it just confused me at first. But in future chapters, I think that you should just stick to one point of view per chapter to avoid that type of confusion with other readers.

Also, I really liked the way that you started off the chapter. It was descriptive visual-wise and such, but it seemed to be lacking description on what the person was feeling. So I would suggest mixing in both types of descriptions, except not putting in too much description. Just remember that writing is like painting a picture, except it's up to the reader's imagination as to what the finalized product is, and in order to paint a similar picture in everyone's mind, you have to be really descriptive. However, just describe things that are important. If they're in a garden, describe the garden as whole instead of describing each individual flower (just an example).

And grammar-wise you also did quite well. But I would suggest using a writing program with a spelling and grammar check (Like Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, or whatever), that way reading can be easily done and confusion can be kept to a minimum (I used to write really confusing sentences before I started using grammar check).

I hope this helps, and I'm really not trying to be mean or put you down. I just wish that others would critique my writings so that I could improve. And if you don't want to take my advice or think I'm being too picky, then just ignore it.

Good luck with your future writings~! ^___^
Posted 4/6/09
it was awesome!! my fave was the midnight battle scene!! it would be so awesome if ikuto and amu had a duel!!!!
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Posted 4/6/09

emo527 wrote:


appupuppu wrote:


You know what? I'm going to give you a nice, long, hopefully helpful review. Not because I don't like your fanfiction, because I do like your fanfiction, but because sometimes I wish that people would give me criticism on what I write but they never do. So here I go:
(Quick Note: This is not meant to come out mean, just as criticism and my honest opinions. If I somehow offend you, I'm sorry. I just wish that people would do this to my fanfiction but they never do. So... yeah...)

Okay, the plotline seemed good. However, the first chapter seemed to be jumping all over the place. I'm guessing it's just the way the first chapter is supposed to go so that readers could get a better view on what each character is doing, but it just confused me at first. But in future chapters, I think that you should just stick to one point of view per chapter to avoid that type of confusion with other readers.

Also, I really liked the way that you started off the chapter. It was descriptive visual-wise and such, but it seemed to be lacking description on what the person was feeling. So I would suggest mixing in both types of descriptions, except not putting in too much description. Just remember that writing is like painting a picture, except it's up to the reader's imagination as to what the finalized product is, and in order to paint a similar picture in everyone's mind, you have to be really descriptive. However, just describe things that are important. If they're in a garden, describe the garden as whole instead of describing each individual flower (just an example).

And grammar-wise you also did quite well. But I would suggest using a writing program with a spelling and grammar check (Like Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, or whatever), that way reading can be easily done and confusion can be kept to a minimum (I used to write really confusing sentences before I started using grammar check).

I hope this helps, and I'm really not trying to be mean or put you down. I just wish that others would critique my writings so that I could improve. And if you don't want to take my advice or think I'm being too picky, then just ignore it.

Good luck with your future writings~! ^___^


thanks for the critique! i really like when people tell me ways to improve my writings. so do u think that i should do it in first person instead of 3rd? would that make it less confusing?
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Posted 4/6/09

blue_flame wrote:

it was awesome!! my fave was the midnight battle scene!! it would be so awesome if ikuto and amu had a duel!!!!


mabye they will have a duel someday after they meet....*hint*
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Posted 4/6/09
YES!!!
Appu-chan you are one of my fave writers
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