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[FANFICTION] Rebellious
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Posted 4/6/09

appupuppu wrote:


emo527 wrote:


appupuppu wrote:


You know what? I'm going to give you a nice, long, hopefully helpful review. Not because I don't like your fanfiction, because I do like your fanfiction, but because sometimes I wish that people would give me criticism on what I write but they never do. So here I go:
(Quick Note: This is not meant to come out mean, just as criticism and my honest opinions. If I somehow offend you, I'm sorry. I just wish that people would do this to my fanfiction but they never do. So... yeah...)

Okay, the plotline seemed good. However, the first chapter seemed to be jumping all over the place. I'm guessing it's just the way the first chapter is supposed to go so that readers could get a better view on what each character is doing, but it just confused me at first. But in future chapters, I think that you should just stick to one point of view per chapter to avoid that type of confusion with other readers.

Also, I really liked the way that you started off the chapter. It was descriptive visual-wise and such, but it seemed to be lacking description on what the person was feeling. So I would suggest mixing in both types of descriptions, except not putting in too much description. Just remember that writing is like painting a picture, except it's up to the reader's imagination as to what the finalized product is, and in order to paint a similar picture in everyone's mind, you have to be really descriptive. However, just describe things that are important. If they're in a garden, describe the garden as whole instead of describing each individual flower (just an example).

And grammar-wise you also did quite well. But I would suggest using a writing program with a spelling and grammar check (Like Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, or whatever), that way reading can be easily done and confusion can be kept to a minimum (I used to write really confusing sentences before I started using grammar check).

I hope this helps, and I'm really not trying to be mean or put you down. I just wish that others would critique my writings so that I could improve. And if you don't want to take my advice or think I'm being too picky, then just ignore it.

Good luck with your future writings~! ^___^


thanks for the critique! i really like when people tell me ways to improve my writings. so do u think that i should do it in first person instead of 3rd? would that make it less confusing?


I think that 3rd person is fine, but if you're going to switch around points of view, then maybe just do like Amu's third person point of view in one chapter and then Tsumugu's point of view in another chapter or split the chapter up into parts.
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21 / F / In front of ma la...
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Posted 4/6/09


kewl new chapter hope it updates soon!!! XD
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20 / F / singapore
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Posted 4/7/09
((: love it!
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Posted 4/7/09
It's good so far. But I think it should be a bit longer...

And also, it might be a little easier for people to read if you have the story inside a spoiler thingy...
I'm not trying to be mean in any way, just helping. =)
Also, this isn't nessacary, but if you want...maybe you could capitalize your setences. You know, like when you start a setence, capitalize the first letter of the sentence, along with names and places. And also the name of your chapters!

It's good so far, keep going!
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Posted 4/7/09
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

Another comment full of love....
...... ____
...../___...._ ....._ ................_ ... _...._..................._......*.._/_.....*.... _..... _ /
..../........../_ /.../............\_/../_ /../_/../........\_/\_/ / ......./....../......./...../.../..../_/ *
....................................../............................................................................._/


L O V E for your writing!

PHEW! That took a while.
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Posted 4/7/09
oops the red marks messed it up.IM NOT DOING IT AGAIN THO
Posted 4/7/09
oh yay you started it^^ good job :D

I liked the chapter, though it seemed like you started out really descriptive then slacked off nonetheless, i look forward to reading more^^
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20 / F / singapore
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Posted 4/8/09
update soon!
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22 / F / THE GOOD OLD U.S....
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Posted 4/16/09 , edited 4/16/09
OH MY GOSH I'M SOOO SORRY GUYS! i haven't updated in forever!!!ahhh!!! i was sick for the past week and i just got better yesterday... well, not compleatly better.. i have to go to the doctor on wednesday because they don't know what's wrong with me. anyway, i'll update as soon as i write the next chapter!
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Posted 4/17/09

appupuppu wrote:

OH MY GOSH I'M SOOO SORRY GUYS! i haven't updated in forever!!!ahhh!!! i was sick for the past week and i just got better yesterday... well, not compleatly better.. i have to go to the doctor on wednesday because they don't know what's wrong with me. anyway, i'll update as soon as i write the next chapter!


I hope you feel better, and good luck!
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Posted 4/17/09
yeah feel better! i wanna see how the story will conyinue^^
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22 / F / THE GOOD OLD U.S....
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Posted 4/22/09
chapter two: Suprise!

.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
(amu 3rd person p.o.v.)


amu took off her helmet, revealing her beautiful face, flowing pink hair, and golden orbs. she took some deep breathes to get some oxygen back into her. i felt like she was suffacating in that blasted helmet.


amu let out a wide smile. she wanted to jump and shout and let the whole kingdom know that she finally beat kukai! of course, she was a princess so she could never do that. also there was the fact that it wasn't proper for a lady to know how to fight. a lady was just supposed to cower in fear while the men did all the fighting.


amu gritted her teeth. she hated that princesses weren't allowed to even learn to defend themselves. amu usually obeyed all the rules and was considered perfect in etiqutte and manners, but not learning to defend herself was one thing that she despised.


that was the reason that she started taking lessons from kukai in the first place. kukai was one of the most skilled fighters in the kingdom and was selected as the fighting instructor for all the soldiers at the mere age of 12. amu once accidentally met him and they became the best of friends.


after a while, amu begged kukai to teach her how to fight and that's when their nightly sessions started. amu was 10 years old at the time. finally, after 5 years of training, she beat kukai. amu and kukai grew very close during that time and she thought of him as the brother she never had.


"oh kukai, i finally beat you!", she said while letting out a quiet cheer.


"i knew you could always do it.", said kukai.


"i better get going now. father wanted me to get up early tommorow. apparently he has some big news to tell me." amu gave kukai a quick hug and started to run back to the castle.


at her garden, she slowed down to admire the newly growing flowers. "i really love spring flowers...", she mumured to herself. each flower was like a splatter of paint on an endless canvas. amu always wondered how such tiny seeds grew into beautiful flowers. she mother used to say that amu was like a beautiful pink flower.


"you will grow to be an admirable and beautiful girl", her mother always told her. amu let out a quiet sigh and walked to the middle of the garden. there was huge stone in the center that was amu's favorite thinking spot. she took off her shoes and climbed to the top. there, she lay back against the stone and stared into the night sky.


"mama, are you up there in that big sky?", she whispered. she wondered if that bright star up in the was her mother. amu's mother always said that after someone died, they went to the sky and became a star and shone brightly every time you thought about them. amu felt tears prickling her eyes and she quickly wiped them away.


'i have to stay strong', she thought. she rarely showed her emotions to anyone after her mother died. the only person she really opened up to was kukai and another special person (a/n i can't tell you guys yet!). she turned back so she lay facedown on the rock and closed her eyes. she shifted through some of the few memories she had of her mother. one particular memory stuck to her mind.


(flashback)


6 year old amu sat in her mother's lap and was begging her mother to tell her a story before she went to bed. her mother's face was shrouded in darkness. no matter how hard she tried, amu couldn't remember her mother's face. "ok, ok", laughed her mother, finally giving in. "amu-chan, did you know that god gave every baby a locked box that the baby couldn't open. only someone else could open it. it's rumured that after the box is opened, the person's true self comes out." "wow! i wonder if my box will ever be opened!", said amu, her eyes shining.


(end flashback)


amu opened her eyes and realized that she fell asleep. the first rays of dawn were already creeping into the sky. she cursed and quickly started running back to the castle. she had to get there before the maids went into her room to wake her up.


at last she reached the side of the castle where her room was. she grabbed some of the vines that creeped up to her balcony and started climbing up. she climbed up to her balcony really quickly since she did this every day. amu opened her window and slipped in. 'yes!', she thought.


she made it in before her maids got to her room. she slipped out of the slacks that kukai gave to her for fighting and changed into her nightgown. then, she jumped into her bed and pretended to be asleep.


just then, she remembered that she had an important meeting with her father that day.


( ikuto's p.o.v. at the castle in the country of easter)


prince ikuto of easter was on the roof of his castle taking a nap. a gentle breeze ruffled his silky blue hair, uncovering his handsome face. he opened his eyes, revealing deep midnight pools. he sat up and stared into the horizon. " it feels like somethings different about today...", he mumured.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

ugh! my computer is really jacked up and it won't let me put this chapter in a spoiler or use italics. anyway, i'm really sorry that i haven't updated in a while. i've been having a lot of health problems. i had 3 fainting spells and the doctors don't know why so i've had doctor appointments almost every single day for the past 2 weeks! this really sucks... please read and review! thankz to all the people who reviewed for the last chapter. next chapter, i'll try to capatalize everything but i'm too tired to do it for this chapter. hope you guys like this chapter! the real action starts from the next chapter!
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Posted 4/22/09 , edited 4/22/09

appupuppu wrote:


That was good! You're really improving! ^__^

However, when you're describing a person's eyes, it sound sort of awkward when people just say "orbs" or "pools" (I read a fanfic awhile back that never used the word "eyes" and only used "orbs" and "pools" so it's sort of a pet peeve... hehe). Although it may sound descriptive, it's used a lot in many fanfiction so I would think mixing it up with a sentence like, "He opened his eyes, revealing their alluring deep midnight blue color." or something like that. Or maybe you could try something like, "Amu took off her helmet, revealing her beautiful face, flowing pink hair, and a pair of sparkling golden eyes that could appeal to anyone."

I'm not saying it because I'm picky, it's just that so many people use "orbs" and "eyes" that it gets tiring to hear it all the time. It's not like a fault in your writing, your writing has improved a lot ^__^ , it's just something to... I guess it's just something to spice it up a little. ;D

But good luck writing and I'm stoked for the next chapter! XD
Posted 4/24/09
nice! I hope you keep writing :3
Posted 4/25/09
way to go!! this was great!! looking foward to more!!
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