Post Reply "Delinquent" by -eL-
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Posted 6/13/09 , edited 11/30/09
Title: Delinquent

its about school life and stuff.
i'm having a hard time choosing words, phrases, paragraphs and i'm stuck in chapter 3.
anyway, here's the first two chapters.
Note: the name Firo, Ban, Glok, Bucha aren't their real names. later on as the story goes i'm gonna explain how they got those nick names.

part 1


part 2


This is just a little delusion of mine, but if i were to direct this as an anime and choose my cast of characters i'd go with these:
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Posted 11/30/09
Hey man, way to go on part one, to my own surprise I really liked it. I tend to really like school life and romance stories so way to go on that part (I'm totally not gay at all. lol).
Alright so I very much enjoyed your part one. There were some spelling errors but it's really no biggie at all, cause most of the errors were not major.

Okay, so there is one thing that made me feel awkward about the story, now I say awkward because I can't say I hated it but I can't say I liked it either. This would be the long, long, looooooong narration. Now see the narration made me laugh because it would constantly have me fooled on what was going on. There would be times where it would have me absolutely interested in what it had to say, then it would go off into things I didn't care about, then it would just get boring, so then when I'd think about giving up on reading the narration it would suddenly be interesting, lather, rinse, repeat that cycle a few times and that seemed to be you narration, so I had to keep reading so I wouldn't miss the interesting parts of the narration. Your narration also a few times had ADD, where the narration would talk about one specific subject and then all of a sudden dropped it to move onto a completely different subject.

Still I couldn't say that I hated your narration, in fact in a few cases of it, I enjoyed it as if it were another character. I also can understand all the narration, you wanted to give all this background as best and fast as you could in order to have your setting and background for the characters to roam around in and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that a few times some of your narration would seem rushed or it seemed to cut off some of the character action or even some of the direct character dialogue, which was a bit strange while trying to keep a single idea in mind while something was going on for a set of characters. The narration seemed to get better though when you were beginning to narrate for the girl character in the second half of the first part.

Also, once the narration had finally begun to slow down and leave some breathing room for the characters (mostly the girl and her classmates), you had some really great dialogue going! I mean it was good! The flow of the conversation, the reactions of the various students talking to the girl, interpreting their actions while they talked and such, it was all very good and I encourage you to slow down a bit on the narration and promote that kind of dialogue because it was very appealing to me as a reader.

So all and all I very much liked part one of your story it was very entertaining to read and I haven't done a good criticism in a long time so I very much enjoyed evaluating your writing (which is pretty good!).
So keep working on it and I know you can do good on this, it's my bed time so I have to get off. I'll try and evaluate your part two tomorrow!
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Posted 12/1/09

Rezzy64 wrote:

Hey man, way to go on part one, to my own surprise I really liked it. I tend to really like school life and romance stories so way to go on that part (I'm totally not gay at all. lol).
Alright so I very much enjoyed your part one. There were some spelling errors but it's really no biggie at all, cause most of the errors were not major.

Okay, so there is one thing that made me feel awkward about the story, now I say awkward because I can't say I hated it but I can't say I liked it either. This would be the long, long, looooooong narration. Now see the narration made me laugh because it would constantly have me fooled on what was going on. There would be times where it would have me absolutely interested in what it had to say, then it would go off into things I didn't care about, then it would just get boring, so then when I'd think about giving up on reading the narration it would suddenly be interesting, lather, rinse, repeat that cycle a few times and that seemed to be you narration, so I had to keep reading so I wouldn't miss the interesting parts of the narration. Your narration also a few times had ADD, where the narration would talk about one specific subject and then all of a sudden dropped it to move onto a completely different subject.

Still I couldn't say that I hated your narration, in fact in a few cases of it, I enjoyed it as if it were another character. I also can understand all the narration, you wanted to give all this background as best and fast as you could in order to have your setting and background for the characters to roam around in and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that a few times some of your narration would seem rushed or it seemed to cut off some of the character action or even some of the direct character dialogue, which was a bit strange while trying to keep a single idea in mind while something was going on for a set of characters. The narration seemed to get better though when you were beginning to narrate for the girl character in the second half of the first part.

Also, once the narration had finally begun to slow down and leave some breathing room for the characters (mostly the girl and her classmates), you had some really great dialogue going! I mean it was good! The flow of the conversation, the reactions of the various students talking to the girl, interpreting their actions while they talked and such, it was all very good and I encourage you to slow down a bit on the narration and promote that kind of dialogue because it was very appealing to me as a reader.

So all and all I very much liked part one of your story it was very entertaining to read and I haven't done a good criticism in a long time so I very much enjoyed evaluating your writing (which is pretty good!).
So keep working on it and I know you can do good on this, it's my bed time so I have to get off. I'll try and evaluate your part two tomorrow!


Now that I think about it, I do have long narrations. Well, you see most of the novels I've read had really long ones too, so maybe I was kinda influenced by them. And you are right about me rushing things so I can get on with the story. But dude, kindly point out where I change from topic to topic. Because I just can't find it in my point of view.

btw, you know what really surprised me, was how you liked the conversations. I mean, all along I always thought conversations was my weak point that's why some part of me tends to minimize them, ('cause I'm the silent type myself) didn't expect that one.

anyway thanks for the comment, much appreciated.

P.S - part two has lesser dialogues.
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