Innocent touches
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20 / F / Sweden
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Posted 7/2/09
yunjae fanfic ( not by me)




Yunho's POV


You are sitting on the living room floor all five of you, chatting and bantering, having a good time at the end of the week. You try not to show how tired you are, even though the week has been exhausting. After all, you are spending time with your four best friends and tiredness can’t stop you from smiling. You don’t do much of the talking though, and neither does he; the dark-haired oldest, who are sitting across from you, looking distantly down at his hands. Now and then he raises his head and laughs hesitantly as he tries to catch up with what the others had been saying. You shake your head and smile at the three youngest who seem to have gone over to discussing girls instead of soccer teams.


“One of the staff members asked for my phone number today,” Junsu brags, laughing embarrassedly when the others just stare. “You know that pretty girl, the one that did my hair today.”


“You know, she asked me first but I said no.” Yoochun comments, snickering as he meets Changmin’s eyes.


“I guess she was getting desperate,” The youngest butts in.


“You’re lying~,” Junsu protest, hitting Yoochun’s arm playfully. “You’re just jealous that she couldn’t resist my charm.”


Changmin rolls his eyes and Yoochun laughs, while Junsu tries his best to ignore them both, picking up his cell phone to show them the proof.


With a small smile you glance over at the oldest, trying to read his expression, but it looks like he’s spacing out again. The next second he is up on his feet and leaves the room, giving you a small smile as he passes. You know you shouldn’t follow him, but after five restless minuets you sigh and do so anyway.


He’s in the living room, standing by the window, looking out at the stressful traffic outside. The light from the street lamps filters into the room, casting a golden glow upon his face, making him look strangely angelic. He has that distant look on his face again, his eyes glazed over and his brows furrowed. You can’t help but feel that something is bothering him. It’s like the whole room is filled with sadness, a heavy feeling that makes your stomach ache.


You clear your throat carefully and take a few steps further into the room. He turns his head at the sound and the moment he spots you standing beside him, the pensive look on his face vanish and is replaced with a genuine smile. The sadness you just witnessed is gone like it was never there, and all you can do is blink and stare at him confusedly. It scares you sometimes, the fact that you can have that effect on another person. The fact that you can have that effect on him. Just by entering a room, you can make him smile.


“Yunho-yah,” he says, still smiling. “I didn’t hear you coming.”


“I didn’t want to disturb,” you answer, not knowing what else to say. You wonder if you should ask him if something is wrong, but seeing his now happy expression you change your mind and goes back to biting at your lower lip. You know how he works, if he wants to talk to you, he will. If he wants to keep it to himself, he will. You sigh and he looks at you curiously.


“Of course you’re not disturbing,” he says, gripping your wrist and pulling you closer beside him so that you can both look out of the window. “Look at that,” he whispers, pointing at something outside.


You bend forward, trying to see what he’s talking about. You spot some girls sitting in sleeping bags in front of your building. One of them catches sight of you and points toward the window, screaming something. Your brows furrows and you take a step back.


“Those girls shouldn’t be out so late,” you mumble in concern. “They could catch a cold. Their parents must be worried.”


Jaejoong sighs and nods his head. “Yeah I know…but Yunho, that wasn’t really what I was talking about, look further down the street, at the couple!”


You do as he says and your eyes land on an old couple, walking hand in hand down the street. Their backs are crooked and their steps slow, but somehow they still move with confidence. You blink in wonderment.


“It’s quite amazing, isn’t it?” He mumbles beside you. “Being that old, and still in love.”


You glance at him and he chuckles embarrassedly, one hand coming up to cover his mouth. “Oh, that was silly, forget it. I’m going to bed now.”


The next second he’s out of the room and you glance out of the window again, noticing that the couple is gone.




♡♡♡♡♡



Being that old and still in love.


You stare up at the ceiling, sighing heavily for the fifth time that evening. His words echoes around in your head, making you feel dizzy.


Love.


Sometimes you ache for that feeling, having someone to love, someone to be close to. Someone to kiss at night before you go to sleep, someone to wake up beside in the mornings. You’ve dreamed about having a family; a wife and children, ever since you were a child yourself. Having someone to love. Being in love. Living a normal life, with normal relationships just like everyone else in your age.


You know however, that you said no to everything that is normal the same moment you signed the contract with SM entertainment and became a member of Dong Bang Shin Ki. You’ve never regretted your decision, but sometimes it hurts, seeing couples walking by hand in hand, beaming with something you don’t even know if you believe in. It often gives you a feeling of unfullfilledness, emptiness. Sometimes it makes you doubtful. You’re not so sure anymore that you’ve chosen the right way.


But you have your friends, your members. They always manage to make you feel like you have everything you need. You know they are the best substitute for a family that you could ever have. And you have him, the oldest member, with dark chocolate eyes big enough to drown you and the soft, caring smile which always have a contagious effect on you. He, who will slip his hand into yours, and squeeze it lightly to show his affection, who will furrow his brows and ask you in concern if something is wrong the days you feel like no one cares and you’re just a product used to make money on. He, who stays up late nights with you, watching dramas or just chatting about life, being the greatest friend you could ever ask for.


His affection soothes your longing heart, making it able for you to be the cheerful, talkative and responsible leader.


A quick caress, an affectionate smile, a lingering gaze.


Innocent touches, that’s all.


Innocent touches in order manage this life.


Love.


You hope you will find it one day. You hope you will find your childhood dream. And until then, you have your DBSK family.


With a happy sigh, you close your eyes, finally able to relax.


Being that old and still in love.


Isn’t that quite amazing?


Those words…You wonder what he wanted to say.




♡♡♡♡♡



In order to be a star and an idol your appearance is important. Looks does matter, you know that, even if it often worries you how much it matters. How much it matters to him. You know all about the lead singer’s mirror-obsession. You know how he can stand in front of the mirror for hours, staring at his reflection, trying to see something more than what everyone else sees. Sometimes he comes out from the bathroom with a smile on his face, sometimes he looks dejected. You never ask why.


You know how he always carries around a hand-mirror in his bag. How he just has to bring it with him to feel secure. Occasionally he picks it up, trying to adjust his hair or skin or anything else he can find flaws in. Flaws that no one else can see. Sometimes it makes you smile and you tease him, calling him “Mirror-Jae”. Other times you get frustrated and all you want to do is grab the mirror from him and throw it at the floor, seeing it break before your eyes. You want to yell at him to stop worry, to stop searching for non-existent flaws.


You never do though.


And he keeps on searching.


One evening when you are sitting by yourself at the kitchen table, looking through some old car magazines, you hear the bathroom door open and hesitant footsteps coming your way. You know it’s him already, since he’s the one who's been occupying the bathroom for the last hour or two.


“Yunho-yah~”, you look up at the sound of your name and your eyes land on his lean figure, standing at the entrance to the kitchen. You notice that he looks even paler than usual, but quickly tell yourself that it’s just your imagination. The way he looks at you, with his intense, pleading eyes, is unnerving though and you shift uncomfortably in your chair.


“Yeah, what is it, Joongie?”


“Yunho-yah,” he mumbles again, before taking a deep breath. “Do you think I look like a cold person?”


The question surprises you and you look up from the magazine to study his face. He looks almost frightened, fiddling with his hands and licking at his lips nervously. He’s only wearing a pair of worn-out sweatpants and a thin white t-shirt. You can see the goose bumps appearing on his underarms.


“Yes you do,” you answer with a light tone, giving him a quick smile. “You should put on a warmer sweater.” It’s a lame joke, a lame attempt at lightening the mood. Even though you try to chuckle it just sounds weird and unnatural.


“Yunho, I’m being serious,” he says, sounding hurt and a little annoyed. You know he’s serious, and suddenly you’re angry with yourself for being such a coward and not answering his question. A coward for not telling him the things he needs to hear.


But what can you say, though? What can you say that would make him understand? Make him stop worry. You know how people often tell him that the first impression they get of him is that he seems to be a cold person. Cold and reserved. He always smiles upon hearing this and if they laugh, he will laugh too. You’ve noticed though, that when the laughter starts to die down, he always bows his head and allows the faint smile to disappear from his lips. You wonder why people never seem to understand that they hurt him. You wonder why you’re the one who understands it all and still you never do anything about it.


Acting on impulse you get up from you chair and walk over to him, suddenly filled with a strong resolution to make him feel better. He looks up at you, his dark eyes filled with confusion.


“Yunho, what are you-“


Before he has a chance to finish, you take a step forward and wrap you arms around his waist, bringing him close. You can feel him tensing up at first, but it doesn’t take long until his body relaxes against yours and he rests his chin on you shoulder. You close your eyes, feeling the warmth radiate from his body. It feels so good. Maybe too good. For a long moment the two of you just stand there, enjoying the comfort of having another body so close. After a while however, rational thoughts start to enter your brain again, and you know you have to say something. Something that will make him stop worry.


“You’re not cold, Jaejoong-ah,” you whisper quietly into his ear. “You’re… you’re the warmest person I know.” The words slips out before you have a chance to stop yourself. Before you have a chance to reconsider what words like that could mean, what words like that could make him believe. Hurriedly you loose your grip around his waist and take a step back, smiling awkwardly.


He looks at you, his eyes slightly glazed over, as if he was in some kind of daze. You swallow nervously and rub at your arm, trying to ignore the rapid heartbeats in your chest. You don’t know why you have the feeling you’ve done something wrong. You don’t know why it feels like you’ve made him believe something that isn’t true. Can’t be true.


Innocent touches, that’s all it is.


That’s all it can ever be.


Suddenly his dazed expression breaks into a smile. A bright genuine smile; the kind he only shows at rare occasions.


“Thank you, Yunho-yah,” he whispers and you can feel how something tightens in your stomach. You’re scared that you’ve misled him somehow.


“No problem,” you mumble and manage to muster up a smile. “I have to... see what the others are doing.” You give him a quick pat on the shoulder, before leaving the kitchen in a hurry. Biting your lip so hard that you can taste blood, you lock yourself up in the bathroom and stare at your own reflection in the mirror. Your gaze fixes on the confused, trembling man before you and you refuse to look away until you can see something else. Something more than what everyone else can see.


You shudder and blink, suddenly scared that you’re the one who’s been mislead.



♡♡♡♡♡



The first night he comes to your bed you immediately decline. Friends do not share beds you inform him, pretending not to notice the crestfallen look on his face. He doesn’t leave right away though, just sits quietly on the floor beside your bed, staring down at his hands. When you turn your head to tell him to go get some sleep, he stands up and stumbles over to his own bed again. You sigh and close you eyes, wanting the sight of the black, hurting eyes to leave your mind. You hate the gnawing guilt in your stomach, you hate that you always have to be the rational one.


An hour passes by and you’re still wide-awake. The tossing and turning coming from his bed is slowly driving you insane. You wonder if it’s your fault that he can’t sleep and once again the feeling of remorse overtakes you. Quickly, before you have the chance to change your mind, you rise from your bed and walk over to him. He’s facing the wall and doesn’t notice your presence until you bend down and touch his arm. The contact startles him and he immediately turns around, staring at you with wide, confused eyes.


“Yunho-ah,” he whispers hoarsely and you motion for him to be quiet. Reaching out your hand you take a grip around his wrist and tug him with you to your bed.


“It’s just for tonight,” you tell him quietly, making sure he understands. Just because you seem so sad. You don’t tell him this but that’s what you’re thinking. That’s your excuse.


He nods before lying down beside you in the small bed, making sure to be as quiet as possible. You pull the soft comforter over both of your bodies and give him your extra pillow. When you close your eyes to try to get some sleep you can feel him snuggle up against you, pressing your bodies together. You know that it’s wrong and you hate how good it feels, having him this close, having him against you. After a few seconds of bliss you start to shift uncomfortably, trying to widen the space between you. His arms sneak behind your back, keeping you in place.


“Jaejoong-ah,” you mumble quietly. “Not so close… it’s too hot.” When he neither responds nor moves you sigh deeply and add, this time your voice a little firmer. “I’m not comfortable.”


As soon as the words are uttered he immediately buries his face in your shoulder and you have to hold your breath to be able to hear the muffled words he whispers into your pyjama shirt. “It doesn’t always have to be about you, Yunho.”


Not knowing how to respond you just sigh and close your eyes. Feeling the comforting warmth radiating from his body, it doesn’t take long until you drift off to sleep.




♡♡♡♡♡




Surprisingly enough, and you’re not even sure why you find it surprising, he listens to your words and doesn’t come to your bed the next night. Or the next. You lie awake, listening to his even breathing, knowing that he’s fast asleep. Fast asleep in his own bed. You don’t know why you’re feeling disappointed; you’re the one who told him that he could stay in your bed for one night and for one night only. You don’t understand why your bed suddenly feels so cold, so cold that you have to get up in the middle of the night and fetch an extra blanket from the closet. Shivering under the blankets, you close your eyes and imagine soft hands around your waist, a hot breathe against you collarbone.


It’s not fair, you think, it’s not fair that you always have to be the responsible one.


~~~


The music stops abruptly and you curse under your breath, knowing that you just messed up the dance steps for the third time in a row. You, who never mess up dance steps, at least not steps you have performed so many times you’ve lost count. The others look at you with concern in their eyes and you turn your back towards them not wanting to see.


“Is everything alright, hyung?” you can hear Changmin ask softly, the worry evident in his tone. For a moment all you want to do is to turn around and shout at him. You want to shout about how you haven’t been able to sleep properly for over two weeks. How you don’t dare to close your eyes and fall asleep because when you do, you dream about things you shouldn’t be dreaming about. You dream about soft, pale, hands touching your skin and full, red lips, ghosting over your body, kissing you in places you’ve never been kissed before.


You wake up in the morning, feeling disgusted over yourself because you know that those hands are too big to belong to a woman and you know only one person with lips like that. And every time you realize the truth you feel something break inside you and you know that you have failed at being the leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki. You know that you have failed them all. And they don’t even know it. They still look at you with admiration in their eyes, thinking that you are the perfect leader. It disgusts you even more than the dreams.


“Hyung?” Changmin prompts, still waiting for an answer. You take a deep breath in an attempt to relax your tense body and turn around, sending the youngest member your trademark smile.


“I’m fine Minnie,” you say, giving him a light pat on the shoulder. “Just a little tired that’s all.”


“Maybe you should take the afternoon off,” Junsu suggests. “You know the steps already. We can finish off without you.”


“No it’s okay,” you say, waving him off. “You don’t have to worry, I’m fine. Now, where were we?”


They don’t try to protest anymore and with a sigh of relief you turn your face away from them, instantly dropping your plastered smile. You’ve always been the stubborn type.




♡♡♡♡♡




You can feel his eyes on you during the whole press conference. You wonder what he’s staring at. You wonder what he’s trying to see. You don’t ask, just shift awkwardly in you seat and clear your throat, hoping he will snap out of it. If he keeps staring like that people might get the wrong idea.


You might get the wrong idea.


Finally, he shifts his gaze and picks up his water bottle, taking a large gulp of water into his mouth. You sigh in relief, suddenly able to breathe again.




♡♡♡♡♡




It’s right after an interview that Yoochun approaches you, reaching out his hand to pull you aside. You give him a confused stare, wondering what he could possibly want. The frown on his forehead tells you that he’s concerned about something.


“Hey,” he starts slowly, looking more at the floor than at you. “Is everything alright between you and Jaejoong hyung?” The question doesn’t really surprise you. You know that Jaejoong and Yoochun are close, you know how they look out for each other.


“Yeah, of course,” you answer quickly, mustering up a convincing smile. The last few years of fame have taught you to smile whenever it’s considered necessary. Regardless of your true feelings. It’s a skill you master well.


“You sure?” he asks, giving you an exploring look. “I mean…I’ve noticed that Jaejoong seems kind of down and I have the feeling that you’re avoiding him. And I know that’s the worst thing he knows.”


You chuckle slightly, but stop immediately when you hear how strangled it sounds. It’s ridiculous, the whole situation is. “I haven’t been avoiding him, Yoochun,” you answer calmly, using your right hand to flat out the wrinkles on your shirt, wanting to appear untroubled.


And you haven’t, have you? Just because you don’t hang out with him as much as before doesn’t mean you’re avoiding him. Maybe you’ve been a little distant lately, but if that’s what it takes to make this silly feelings go away it’s definitely worth it. You’re only doing it for the sake of the band. For the band’s future. God should know you think a lot about it. And for the sake of the friendship you have with Jaejoong. A friendship you value over everything. You would never let some silly feelings ruin the bond you two share.


“Haven’t you noticed how sad he is?” Yoochun continues, and you can do nothing but stare at him. You’re the one who have known Jaejoong since long before Dong Bang Shin Ki even existed. He’s your best friend and you are his. Of course you notice everything about him. You’ve seen the sadness that has been evident in his eyes lately, the emptiness. And you know you saw it even before that night you and him shared a bed. Hell, that’s the reason why you even let him sleep in your bed in the first place, because he seemed so sad. Your excuse.


A few innocent touches.


“Maybe he is sad,” you mutter, no longer struggling to keep up that fake smile of yours; it’s starting to hurt anyway. “But that’s got nothing to do with me.” You wonder if you should leave now, before you start a real argument with him. You don’t want to fight, you’re not really angry. There has just been too many sleepless nights lately, too many forgotten meals and extra hours in the studio. You’re feeling weary -both mentally and physically - and the last thing you need is being accused of something that has nothing to do with you. Something you can’t even do anything about.


Yoochun gives you an incredulous look.


“Since when did you start being so selfish?” he asks, his voice full of disappointment. You open your mouth to answer, but close it again when you realize you have nothing to say. What is there to say? He wouldn’t understand. He doesn’t know how it is, having the responsibility of the whole band on your shoulders. He doesn’t know how it is, always having to be the responsible one. Always having to worry about everything that could go wrong. About the future…


You turn around swiftly and start to walk away, not caring where you’re going; only knowing that you need to get away from there. Quickly, before anyone sees the stinging tears that are threatening to fall from your eyes any second. You don’t want to think about the future anymore, you can’t see how it could ever turn out the way you want it to.


On your way out, you stop for a brief moment and cast a glance over the room, searching for someone. Then you see him, standing over at a corner with Changmin, laughing over something the youngest just said.


He seems perfectly fine.


And you leave the room.




♡♡♡♡♡




Haven’t you noticed how sad he is?


You’ve been avoiding him.


That’s the worst thing he knows.


He seems so sad.


That’s your excuse


Haven’t you noticed?


You’re so selfish.


So selfish.


With a frustrated groan you bury you face into the pillow, whishing the voices in you head would just shut up. You just want to sleep. You’re so tired...


So selfish.


No.


Just tired…





♡♡♡♡♡




An afternoon two weeks later you come home to find Jaejoong standing in the hall, an apron attached around his waist and a ladle resting in his right hand.


“I’ve made you food,” he announces, and you can tell that he’s nervous by the way he is shuffling his feet and biting at his lower lip.


“Where are the others?” you ask, taking of your coat and throwing it on a chair.


“Since we had the afternoon off, they decided to go see a movie.”


“Ah,” you answer, nodding your head. “And you didn’t follow?”


“No, I…” He trails off, and you bend down to take off your shoes. You can feel your heart beating hard in your chest and you know you’re nervous too. Things have been quite awkward between you two lately, and you know it’s mostly because of you. You can’t look at him anymore without feeling slightly ashamed of yourself.


“How was practice?” he asks, referring to the time you spent in the studio, going over some new dance steps.


“Oh, it was fine,” you say honestly, sending him a quick smile. “Very relaxing.”


“You’ve been practicing a lot lately,” he mumbles and you try not to notice the sadness in his voice.


“Yeah, I’ve been having some problems with the steps lately. I could use the extra practice.”


“Just don’t strain yourself,” he mumbles before disappearing into the kitchen.


You look after him and sighs, wishing you could just collapse on the bed and escape from all unwanted thoughts. But he made you dinner, and you’re too polite to say no. Walking into the kitchen you give him a thankful nod and sits down by the table. He sets a plate of food down in front of you and takes a seat at the opposite side of the table. Noticing that there’s no food in front of him you send him a questioning gaze and he shrugs.


“I have already eaten. I was so hungry I couldn’t wait…sorry.”


You shake your head, mumbling that it’s okay. After all, you’re the one who was gone for so long, you understand if he couldn’t wait. An uncomfortable silence stretches between you and no matter how deep you breathe it still feels like you never get enough air. His voice sounds tired and cautious when it breaks through the icy walls around you. Breaks all the way into your guilty heart.


“Are you mad at me? Did I do something?”


You glance up at him. “No..”


“Is it because of that night? I’m sorry, it was stupid of me, I shouldn’t have…” He bites his lip regretfully and something tightens in your stomach.


“No, it’s not that. I’m not mad at you.” You try to sound firm because this is important. It was never his fault, you’re not gonna blame him for anything. But you know all too well how he works; when Jaejoong thinks he has done something wrong, it’s hard to convince him otherwise.


“But you’ve been avoiding me,” he whispers sadly and if you didn’t feel guilty before, you do now. You swallow and look at him, his dejected eyes are directed at the table and his hands are fiddling with a loose thread on his shirt sleeve. He looks like he could need a hug. You remember a time when you used to hug him at any chance you got, just to see that shy smile he would give you and that entrancing spark in his eyes. You miss it so badly.


Hesitantly you reach out your hand and cover his fingers with yours. You’re surprised at how cold his fingers are against your skin. Not at all as those warm hands that caress your body every night in your dreams. You blush at the thought, thankful that the room is dimly lit. You wonder what he would think of you if he knew about the dreams you’re having. You wonder if he would be disgusted. You wonder if he would ever talk to you again.


“You don’t like the food?”


Snapping out from your thoughts, you blink and stare down at the Kimchi jjigae. It looks delicious and from experience you know that it most definitely will taste delicious too, but somehow you don’t feel like eating. Just thinking about eating makes the air stuck in your throat.


“I ate before I got here”, you lie. “I’m sorry.” He gives you a long look and somehow you know he knows you’re lying


“I worry about you, Yunnie”, he whispers giving your hand a light squeeze.


It’s been awhile since you last heard him address you with your nickname, and upon hearing it again you grow weaker . It’s like your walls crumble and you no longer know how to be strong, how to be the responsible leader everyone is relying on.


“You should take better care of yourself,” he continues solemnly. “I’ve noticed that you’ve lost weight lately, I’m worried.”


His thumb strokes over your hand softly, caressing your skin and sending sparks of warmth through your cold, nervous body.


It’s just innocent touches, you remind yourself, trying not to let your trembling inside show from outside. His dark eyes are focused on you, eyes big enough to drown you. You notice the paleness of his skin, the bags under his eyes. Suddenly you can’t keep quiet anymore.


“I worry about you too Jaejoong-ah,” you start, your voice choking with held back emotions. “Even if it doesn’t always seem that way, I do. I worry so much.. I-” You can feel your eyes starting to burn and you’re worried that you will start crying. But then you realize that you already are, because you can feel his soft hands on your cheeks, wiping away the burning wetness under your eyes.


You apologize to him, telling him you don’t know why you’re crying. You never cry, never in front of others. There has just been too little sleep lately, too little food and too little rest. Too little Jaejoong.


Too little Jaejoong.


He hushes you and wraps his arms around your body, telling you that it’s okay, that it’s okay to cry. You close your eyes and rest your chin on his shoulder taking in the feel of his muscular arms around your body. He’s strong, he feels strong. You remember a time when you used to think of him as small and fragile, someone you had to protect. Maybe it’s been the other way around all along. Maybe you’re the one who has always needed him.


“Promise me,” you whisper into his shoulder, your voice muffled by the sobs. “Even if I fail as a leader, please don’t hate me. Jaejoong, promise me that.”


You can feel his arms tighten around your body, as he continues drawing soothing circles on your lower back. You close your eyes, his simple movements causing a new kind of sensation to flow through your body, warming you from the inside and out. How you wish it could always be like this. How you wish you could stay like this forever.


“You won’t fail Yunho,” he answers then, his voice soft and cautious. “You’re the best leader, and I’m here to help you. We all are. You just pressure yourself too much that’s all, you should relax more.”


Suddenly he pulls back. His eyes looks at you intently, curiously and you can feel yourself blushing under the intense gaze. He reaches out is hand, letting his fingertips trail along your jaw line.


“You’re beautiful,” he whispers and your blush deepens. “Really beautiful.”


“I’m not-“ you start to reply automatically, but he cuts you off by pressing his lips to yours, bringing your mouths together. It’s a slow, hesitant kiss and you can feel his body trembling against yours, his fear for rejection impossible to hide. For a moment you don’t know what to do, voices are screaming in your head, but you don’t understand what they’re saying. Acting on impulse, you start to respond to his kiss, amazed at how good it feels, at how good he tastes.


Then tears start to flood your eyes once again, no matter how hard you try to stop them. Feeling the wetness drip on his skin, he pulls back, and looks at you confusedly.


“We can’t,” you whisper in your hoarse, broken voice, lifting your hands up to your face in an attempt to cease the embarrassing stream of tears. “You know we can’t.”


It’s too perfect, and you know it can never be real. It can never last.


“You’re just tired,” he whispers back, as if he was making up an excuse to why you’re suddenly breaking down like this. An excuse to why you just rejected the thing you want most of all in the entire world. He rises from the chair and tugs at your arm. “Come on,” he says, his voice soft and gentle.


Too distraught to object, you stand up and take his outstretched hand, letting him lead you towards your shared bedroom. He stops at the entrance and turns around to face you. “You need sleep,” he states, a weak smile playing at the corner of his lips, as he gives your hand a light squeeze.


You’re not about to complain, feeling as if your body has just been drain from all it’s energy. But when you start to walk towards your bed, he stops you by tugging at your hand.


“Not there, over here,” he says, dragging you over to the corner where his own bed is located, without taking notice of your confused expression.


“Jaejoong-ah, I should sleep in my own bed,” you say, trying to sound firm but the words just come out as a half-hearted plea.


“But you don’t sleep well in your own bed,” He argues, gripping you hand even tighter, as if he were afraid you would try to run away any second. “I can hear you at night; tossing and turning, sighing, muttering to yourself. You never seem to sleep peacefully anymore. It drives me insane.”


You stare at him in disbelief, trying to comprehend what he just told you.


“You mean…you’ve noticed that?”


“Of course,” he says, smiling a little. “I notice everything about my Yunnie.”


Swallowing, you look down at the floor, new tears starting to fill your eyes. My Yunnie. You never realised when the borderline between impossible wishes and cruel reality started to blur. When it started to not exist so clearly anymore. You know he’s amazing, you know that. But can someone be that amazing?


He strokes over your cheek softly. “Hey, it’s alright now. Don’t cry anymore.”


“I’m sorry,” you sigh, and wipes at your eyes again. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m such a wimp..”


He shakes his head. “You’re just human.”


Feeling exhausted, both in your mind and body, you let him grab your arm and drag you down on the bed beside him. His arms wrap around you and you hug him back, not knowing how to get close enough. How to get so close that rational thoughts and heavy responsibilities will never catch up with you again.


“I’m tired,” you whisper and he nods.


“Go to sleep.”


You close your eyes and fall asleep immediately, knowing that the soft hands on you back and the hot breathe against you collarbone, are real this time.



Innocent touches, that’s all.


In the morning you kiss him again.


Innocent touches you can’t live without.





----The End---
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