Post Reply Story Comments Board
Creator
61729 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / F
Offline
Posted 8/20/09
Hey everyone! This is the forum where you may comment on the story. Type what ever you like about what ever part of the story. I also encourage you to feel free to give me negative feedback. It’ll help me know what I need to improve on. I want this story can be something you and everyone can enjoy.

Thank you!
Resident
11434 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
21 / F / My DREAM LIVE sta...
Offline
Posted 9/10/09
Helloo Zani-chan!!!!!!!!! XDD
hope you dun mind me calling you that...0.0!
wow...first to post here!
but kinda stressed...lol.

erm...let's start with the bad points~ (i am used to starting with bad things first...enjoying good things later...lol)

-take a long time to progress one chapter (but i know that you are busy so...this point only have effect when u r free...LOL)
-some chapters ....is boring and dun have a exciting ending for us to look forward to the next chapter...>< sry!!!!
-we don't know more about the characters' characters....0.0...that's confusing..XDD the characters' personalities i think..
-each chapters are too short....

good points!!!!:

- some chapters are great and exciting...^^
-there are new characters coming out...
-great english!!! XDD
-great names and ideas! ^^

hope these help you~ ^^
and hope that these critics won't cause you to hate me~~~~ ><
i will be soooo depressed if you do~~ XDD...
=)
gambatte!!!!!
overall, your stories are awesome still!!!!! =D
Peasant
24499 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
21 / F / Up in the Sky wit...
Offline
Posted 5/9/10 , edited 5/9/10
Hello ^^ I'm here to give you a feedback ^^~! *serious mode*

1. Each chapter was short but, seeing as you have your own life to live, it was pretty satisfactory on how long it was. If you put the parts together, they aren't really that bad.

2. Maybe...too many periods? If you're not comfortable using semi-colon yet, you can practice it some other time. You also need to use some commas in conjunctions for pauses. In order to lessen the periods, I advice you to try putting clauses that are related to each other. Like: "Gathering herself from her chair, she went closer and gave him a glass of wine." rather than, She got up from her chair and went closer to him. She gave him a glass of wine. - from Chapter 2 part 4.

3. Please use more descriptions and elaborate the setting of the places you plan to situate the character in to let the readers feel and be drawn more into the story. Of course, the pictures won't be enough, I guess. The readers need to feel what the characters feel when they're in a particular place. This would be good in a suspense kind of way.

4. Indicate the flashbacks into either bold, italic or underline to lessen confusion.

5. If you know what a cliffhanger is, I won't bother explaining then. Just tell me if you don't. ^^

6. The characters are plotted accordingly and nicely. I hope they would be more developed in the future, as the story goes on. Although, I have a reminder that you shouldn't neglect other characters in the future. Some writers (like me) tend to forget them.

7. I like the path of this story. It's unique and refreshing to see since, I haven't read any, somewhat, fantasy/monarchy genre this days. Though, the singers being the root of the problems are a bit cliche, perhaps, I can suggest that someone from another clan and some other clan members are allied with them? This is only a suggestion.

8. Oh and be careful on too much run-on sentences. Avoid rushing and take your time. (I made way too many mistakes to count. Now, when I edit only a chapter, it'll take me how many days...I seriously need a beta. ^^')

9. Overall, it's okay and a wonderful story. An excellent concept on music and the clans. It's a good thing you used the actual instruments as the clan and not the kind of instruments like stringed, percussion, etc. or it'll be not as good and there'll be conflicts with the groupings.

*non-serious mode*

^////^" Ah, I hope I haven't been too harsh or arrogant in this post. This also helped me because, I keep forgetting of my own pointers. Anyways, that is all for now. ^^
Creator
61729 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / F
Offline
Posted 5/9/10

blacksakura08 wrote:



Thank you so much Saki! Your comments are a great help. And it's ok to be harsh, since it'll help me improve. This has been good criticism. I can't really make the story better if members only have comments such as "Such an amazing story!", so it's nice to have this once in awhile.

In response to your comments:
1) I do try to make it longer but it's hard when you get a writer's block. I have one right now that's why I haven't written anything new.
2,4 and 8) Yes, I'll keep that in mind next time. Thanks for the suggestion.
3) That's one of my problems. You were the first one to notice it. I've been trying to improve on this though.
5) I know what a cliffhanger is. I realized I haven't put it in that much chapters though.
6-7) Although I don't like spoiling the story just to let you know:
Peasant
24499 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
21 / F / Up in the Sky wit...
Offline
Posted 5/10/10 , edited 5/10/10


I'm relieved that my pointers helped. I thought you know what cliffhanger is. I'll try to explain it as best as I can.

A Cliffhanger is when you end a chapter like you cut it before the best part, in order to make the readers wonder what's going to happen next and let them ponder possible options and guesses for the next situation.

Example:

'Those rumors...'

The more he thought about it, the more worried he was. It's none of his business really but, why did he seem drawn towards her? Like there is some kind of magnetic pull that leads him to her. Rushing through the hallways, he can't help but think that something bad will happen. In the end, he found himself walking to the direction of the music room, where he usually sees her. When he came into a full stop, right in front of the door, the beat of his heart rapidly increases.

'It's only a door, there's nothing to be afraid of...' Was his thought, reassuring himself.

As he opens the door, no one could ever feel whatever he is feeling right now. Mixed emotions pitted against each other.

"W-What did you do?!"


You just end it like that. Everyone would wonder who was the boy referring to and why did he sound like betrayed. It's like some close friend or relative did something to the girl that he was worried about. Of course, when you make the next chapter, it would be revealed but, you should give subtle hints like it points to a person beforehand, which would make the readers expect it's the person that you are hinting when in truth it's not what it seem to be.

Make unexpected conclusion to the next chapter after the cliffhanger chapter. It's like leaving them hanging to encourage them to read the next one.

Ah, I hope you understand my explanation. ^^'
Creator
61729 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / F
Offline
Posted 5/10/10


Haha I did say I know what a cliffhanger is. But your example is pretty good. It kinda gave me a new idea how to end a chapter differently. Hmmm the only part I remember putting a cliffhanger was Chapter 2 part 2. XD
Peasant
24499 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
21 / F / Up in the Sky wit...
Offline
Posted 5/10/10


Sorry about that. ^^' I guess it's not good to read when your sleepy haha ^^' Anyways, I'm glad that I gave you an idea at the very least. Well, I'm looking forward for the future chapters. ^^
Creator
61729 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / F
Offline
Posted 5/12/10


It happens. Thanks for all your support.
Posted 7/2/10

Blacksakura sure has great points.
I like her idea of people from other clans mingling with those from the singer, this might cause some new tension.
I think that the most important points have been mentioned. I'm a sure that other characters get the chance to develop throughout the coming chapter(s)
I'm really looking forward to the point where we get to know more about Myra. I also must give a compliment on the way you added school to this fantasy story, with the help of school a lot of new characters have the possibility to show themselves, right?
And once more, you have great writing skills! I suppose you have excellent grades in english?
Creator
61729 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / F
Offline
Posted 7/18/10

vanilla_flower wrote:




Hey Vanilla! I haven't seen you around in awhile. Thank you so much commenting.

Yeah Saki gave a lot of good points. Is Myra that interesting of a character? I just made her out of boredom. LOL. Haha, you guessed right about the school. Now my problem is that there are too much characters. :P

About my grades in english, they were so-so. But now, I have no confidence. I still have a long way to go as a writer.
Resident
11434 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
21 / F / My DREAM LIVE sta...
Offline
Posted 3/27/12
HAI~ I am here to comment~ =w=b

Well...not really a comment but just a question...I think...my character look exactly like Aiumi Aioshino...-shotshotshot-
So i wonder...Are they the same person!? xP
You must be logged in to post.