First  Prev  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  Next  Last
Post Reply Last of the Lions
Member
6775 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
19 / Desert Bluffs
Offline
Posted 9/1/09
oooooooooo!~me want more!~
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/11/09
Ahaha.
That was an epic way to end a chapter-thingy XD
And I liked the 'I'm Watching You' thing
Member
7610 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nowhere in partic...
Offline
Posted 9/11/09
Thank you!
yea, i laughed when i got that idea!
Member
6775 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
19 / Desert Bluffs
Offline
Posted 9/12/09 , edited 9/12/09
yes in deedie lol my fav was the last line......[I cant say it X333 ok i wil]






“ I’m Kale Lockey. And you’re a greedy ass.”
Member
7610 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nowhere in partic...
Offline
Posted 9/12/09
Haha! thanks
i dont really like using curse words a whole lot, but
its Kale
and "You're a greedy jerk!" doesnt sound as good
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/12/09
Ooohhh, not NEARLY as good XD
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/12/09
haha, Kale's reaction to the pull rope was great XD
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/17/09
"Without a second thought; made easy since he didn’t have much of a first,"

For some reason I really like that line. Very nice!
You've got a great style of writing Bob!
Member
7610 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nowhere in partic...
Offline
Posted 9/17/09
Thank you very much!
I think alot of that comes from reading Douglas Adams' work
and all the reading i do from different styles

...Meh...
i don't know how great that fight scene was written...
well, there's sure to be more so i can get some practice!

how well do you think that brawl was written?
cunstructive critisism is always welcome!
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/18/09 , edited 9/18/09
Of course, a person's writing style is influence GREATLY by the things they read and hear around them. It's a good thing you've got the good kinds of influences playing more heavily on you =w=

Hmm, since I had to do a LOT of peer editing in AP Lit and Comp today I'll do that for the fight scene too =w=
For the most part it was good though, I was a little confused the first time I read it but that might just be because I was so out of it =w= When I realized I didn't actually take in what I read and reread it, it was fine :3
My comments and literary suggestions are in red of course :3 ::



rhyck wrote:


The surrounding men sneered at the lone kid. Then,[[ Take this comma out... I think ]] a larger of the men, directly behind Kale, lunged at him with a hand axe.

“Stay here.” Kale muttered to his blade, driving it into the floor. Using the sword as a base, Kale swung up into the air, pushed backwards and kicked the attacker in the face. [[ This shocked the rest of the surrounding thugs to rush in for the kill. ]] a tad confusing on the wording

Still holding himself in the air with the blade’s handle, Kale launched himself at the closest attacker, slamming his fist into his nose [[ Watch out for confusing double pronouns ]]. In a blur, Kale ran back to the blade and used it as a step up to bring down two others while falling.

In short succession, all the rest of the men were on the floor moaning, except for the leader, whom (I think) Kale knocked unconscious with a bash on the head with [[ probably might want to use another word since you used 'with' earlier in the sentence... possibly 'from' ? ]] the sword’s pommel.

Glancing out the window, Kale saw Baldric on the ground floor, rushing across an enclosed courtyard. On the street, [[ Don't need this comma ]] outside, a steam carriage was sitting, obviously waiting on the aristocrat. He just had to go through that small building first. [[ I was a little confused here; what building? You might want to elaborate a bit more ]]

Without a second thought; made easy since he didn’t have much of a first, Kale rushed to the window, picking up a dropped hand axe along the way, and leapt out into open space.


=w= Yaaay English XD
Like I said, it's good but there were some confusing parts the first time I read it
For the most part, good mechanics and syntax though :3
Member
7610 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nowhere in partic...
Offline
Posted 9/18/09
Thanks again!

i didn't quite write all that how i wanted
i really need to use more setting and i think getting one or two names in there would have really helped

well, i spose writing this will be good practice!

its funny, i have more actual ideas for the second and third stories than this one
i need to take my dad's advice and type them into an outline

But i'm happy because i'm nearly at where my original idea for this story will come in!
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/18/09
I know the feeling... sometimes I have real trouble getting what seems perfect in my head out in words that will make sense to everyone else. And then there are the times where it sounds good in my head and then I get it in words and it's just like 'eehhh? No. Def'nitly not as cool as I thought it would be.'
Setting and names are good XD Except Joseph Conrad wrote a whole short novel with only two actual names in it. Heart of Darkness is a classic and supposed to be a really good book, and there're two names in the whole thing. Marlow and Kurtz. Everyone else is "The Director" or "The Savages"

Ahahah I think I need to take that advice too XD I always tell myself I will when I get new ideas and then I never get around to it XD There's only one story so far that I've got everything all planned and outlined and stuff XD And I haven't written more of that one for a loooong time =w=

And Oo, I'm looking forward to getting to the original idea >:D
Member
7610 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / M / Nowhere in partic...
Offline
Posted 9/18/09
so am i!
finally i wont have to pull things from nothing for just a little bit!
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/19/09
XDD
Yeah I also know about THAT feeling too XD
Sometimes I completely skip over things so I can write the parts I really know =w= And THEN I go back and fill in the gaps XD
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 9/27/09
Bahah =w=
Good old Kale.
He ran into a tree... XD
First  Prev  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.