The Funny Farm
Posted 8/31/09
Hi everybody! Here are some of my favorite jokes I hope you will all enjoy. If you know any good jokes or read any online that made you laugh, please share them here with us. Have fun!


Captain Bravo

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants!"



The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot "Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed.

"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot "Moses?"

The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."



Fowl Language

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream...then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out-stretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"



New Concept in Grocery Shopping


A new supermarket opened near my house with some new state of the art sales gimmicks.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.



The President's Morning Briefing

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"



Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She is such a sweet and gentle woman, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk He figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving he had eaten 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Then he got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner! The windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

Keeping his ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, and with his blindfold still on, he continued like this for another 10 minutes, fanning the air about him after each episode.

When he heard the phone farewells, he knew that this signaled the end of his freedom. So he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin. Then he placed it neatly back on his lap and folded his hands upon it smiling contentedly to himself. He was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. After apologizing for taking so long, she asked him if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her that he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!



One Smart Puppy

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"



A Dachshund In Africa

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet
dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing
butterflies & before long the little dog discovers that he is lost. So,
wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with
the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some
bones on the ground close by, & immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, & slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard "that was close, that dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree
figures he can put this knowledge to good use & trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes, but the dachshund saw him heading after the
leopard with great speed, & figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans & strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of & says, "Here monkey, hop on my back & see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back &
thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's
that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."



A Blind Man In Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!



Elmo

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo" dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes, and gave her a few instructions.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll... Two... Test... Tickles."
monster maniac
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21 / M / kaykay
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Posted 8/31/09
hwahahha... i like the captain bravo!!! what does he did with that brown pants?
Posted 8/31/09
Hopefully he got rid of them! Would you want to keep them after what he just did in them?!
monster maniac
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21 / M / kaykay
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Posted 9/1/09

Mara3004 wrote:

Hopefully he got rid of them! Would you want to keep them after what he just did in them?!


it's up to you!!!
Posted 9/2/09
Since it's up to me ....... I say burn those suckers, and FAST ....... and don't forget to stand up wind while doing it!!!
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