Post Reply Untitiled by Ichigo-bankai
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Posted 9/17/09
This might be 2 chapters in 1, I forget, and also, I am not really sure as to how it went.I personally am not exactly happy with it and think it might be a little sloppy? I don't know, but it has always been hard for me to find a perspective to write from. So if you have any ideas on that. So yeah, pretty much all structural criticism is good, but please don't criticize for the sake of being mean, hehe. Make it helpful in some way. if you don't like it, give reasons for why not, and vice versa. Be honest please, this group is to help writers get their work out here and for them to improve on it.

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Posted 9/18/09
Huh... Quite an interesting story you got here. Now see a draw attention to the word story because it doesn't seem that you are playing into any sort of format when writing this. It's obvious that this doesn't really have a script format, nor does it even have a solid chapter writing format. (Warning: Harsh sounding Criticism may occur, do not take as an insult but merely as constructive criticism to help improve writing.)

Although I like the story that you are trying to tell here, there are many different problems with what this story has done. One thing that I really must point out is the very confusing flow of the story. It varies between a very comfortable flow to a very fast and awkward flow. The transitions between the various changes in the flow made the overall telling of the story very strange and uncomfortable.

Next is the strange way of the story being told. In the first chapter it felt like you were trying to tell the story as if it were being read from a book with a very strong narration that was from a sort of god point of view where you were able to know everything that was going on all at once. Then when you got to chapter two, out of nowhere you change to a very awkward first person point of view, it was very awkward because all though it was first person it still had the god like narration from the first chapter which would obviously be strange because first person is a telling of what the character knows, he wouldn't be able to tell you everything that went on outside of himself like the god type of narration can.

Also another problem that easily resorts back to flow, is the overall speed of everything being told. At the very beginning of your first chapter I enjoyed how you took your time to carefully define your character and what was going on around him in a good paced flow, but then by the near end of the first chapter you just suddenly lost that flow and began rushing to tell everything. You told it so fast that it became awkward and uncomfortable to read.

Last but not least, this bothered me probably the most, which was the interactions between your characters. It was so awkward and uncomfortable that it made all of your characters feel either dead, unimportant, or robotic. Your characters had no "there there" if you know what I'm implying by that phrase. Especially your main character's dialogue with the suspicious man near the end of the chapter. The dialogue was so flat that I thought your character was made of card board.

Once again I would like to say, I liked what your story was trying to tell. It started out very good in the beginning. If you could keep up the pace in the beginning of the story, you could have a really good and interesting story! So I say scrap a lot of it, think it well through, when you think you have the right idea try really hard to work it out, and then let me enjoy your interesting story!
I know you can do it!
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Posted 9/18/09

Rezzy64 wrote:

Huh... Quite an interesting story you got here. Now see a draw attention to the word story because it doesn't seem that you are playing into any sort of format when writing this. It's obvious that this doesn't really have a script format, nor does it even have a solid chapter writing format. (Warning: Harsh sounding Criticism may occur, do not take as an insult but merely as constructive criticism to help improve writing.)

Although I like the story that you are trying to tell here, there are many different problems with what this story has done. One thing that I really must point out is the very confusing flow of the story. It varies between a very comfortable flow to a very fast and awkward flow. The transitions between the various changes in the flow made the overall telling of the story very strange and uncomfortable.

Next is the strange way of the story being told. In the first chapter it felt like you were trying to tell the story as if it were being read from a book with a very strong narration that was from a sort of god point of view where you were able to know everything that was going on all at once. Then when you got to chapter two, out of nowhere you change to a very awkward first person point of view, it was very awkward because all though it was first person it still had the god like narration from the first chapter which would obviously be strange because first person is a telling of what the character knows, he wouldn't be able to tell you everything that went on outside of himself like the god type of narration can.

Also another problem that easily resorts back to flow, is the overall speed of everything being told. At the very beginning of your first chapter I enjoyed how you took your time to carefully define your character and what was going on around him in a good paced flow, but then by the near end of the first chapter you just suddenly lost that flow and began rushing to tell everything. You told it so fast that it became awkward and uncomfortable to read.

Last but not least, this bothered me probably the most, which was the interactions between your characters. It was so awkward and uncomfortable that it made all of your characters feel either dead, unimportant, or robotic. Your characters had no "there there" if you know what I'm implying by that phrase. Especially your main character's dialogue with the suspicious man near the end of the chapter. The dialogue was so flat that I thought your character was made of card board.

Once again I would like to say, I liked what your story was trying to tell. It started out very good in the beginning. If you could keep up the pace in the beginning of the story, you could have a really good and interesting story! So I say scrap a lot of it, think it well through, when you think you have the right idea try really hard to work it out, and then let me enjoy your interesting story!
I know you can do it!


Thanks a lot for all of that. really. I think I needed to hear all of that. that is what I think also. See, the problem with me is, I get too excited about an idea, and I hate having to write up to the "good part" in my opinion. It is almost as if I am reading the book myself, y'know? Haha, but yeah, thanks a lot for all of the criticism. Yeah, I don't know if i have ever had a good dialouge. I do need to work on it, and i do need to think about it more. I am not sure if it is a combination of me being rusty (having not written in a while) and being impatient as well as lazy, but hopefully I will be able to pull my act together and pull it all together into something more fun to read and what not. So again, thank you very much for taking the time to read it and taking the time to comment on it, I greatly appreciate it. :)
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Posted 9/18/09


Hey no problem boss, Listen don't feel bad about all the problems I pointed out. Remember when I first joined this group about a year ago, if you read my very first story (Bomb it down), I had the exact same problems that I saw in this story.
This story has a TON of potential, and with a little bit of hard work and concentration, I know for a fact you can pull off a great story!
So I still put a lot of faith into what this story can be and I can't wait until you can pull it off so that I can read it again.
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Posted 9/18/09

Rezzy64 wrote:



Hey no problem boss, Listen don't feel bad about all the problems I pointed out. Remember when I first joined this group about a year ago, if you read my very first story (Bomb it down), I had the exact same problems that I saw in this story.
This story has a TON of potential, and with a little bit of hard work and concentration, I know for a fact you can pull off a great story!
So I still put a lot of faith into what this story can be and I can't wait until you can pull it off so that I can read it again. :D


Haha, thanks bro. And yeah, I did read your first story, or some of it anyways, and I liked it, haha.
Well I am glad you think it has a lot of potential. Yeah.. I think I am going to delete most of it and try again, but yeah, I was happy with that first scene I had, and of course i wrote that in one of my very chill moods. I just need to be relaxed when I write, and not force it, y'know? But I also can't wait around forever for one of those moods to come upon me, haha. And also, if you have any pointers on how I can make the dialogue more interesting, I would love to hear what you have to say. I am up for any suggestions you might have. And also, if you have any ideas for the point of view, that would also be great. I never can really tell in which way I want a story to be told...
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Posted 9/18/09


Well, if I may make a suggestion. Do not delete this page, I see some good pieces of material and ideas that you have written in this messy story that you should try reusing or modifying slightly.
I would love to help in any way I can also I would love to help you work on characters and some types of dialogue, but to tell you the truth if you need a man for dialogue it should be 8th, he's the guy to run for dialogue. I've seen some beautiful conversations and monologues flow out of that guy's keyboard, sometimes I don't even know how he does it.
I would very much love to help you on plot development because I personally love plot work and character development. So whatever you need, I'm here to help boss.
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Posted 9/18/09

Rezzy64 wrote:



Well, if I may make a suggestion. Do not delete this page, I see some good pieces of material and ideas that you have written in this messy story that you should try reusing or modifying slightly.
I would love to help in any way I can also I would love to help you work on characters and some types of dialogue, but to tell you the truth if you need a man for dialogue it should be 8th, he's the guy to run for dialogue. I've seen some beautiful conversations and monologues flow out of that guy's keyboard, sometimes I don't even know how he does it.
I would very much love to help you on plot development because I personally love plot work and character development. So whatever you need, I'm here to help boss.


Any good pieces or material in particular that you are thinking about? or just in general? Do you think I did an alright job with dialogue in Fallen Angel? Or was it just mediocre to bad as well? I am not sure what happened with that story... It just took a turn that I wasn't expecting on, and it is always hard for me to reverse and rewrite. But yeah, I could also use help with the plot. I am not sure if I want him to start as an assassin and have momentary flash backs to his previous life. realizing that they have tampered with his brain. I am actually kind of leaning in that direction. Like maybe he will be on a mission or something, and see someone or something that will trigger a memory with that someone or something in ti. I am kinda liking that idea more than I am the idea I have written now. Also that would help for me to jump into the action faster. I am having a coupel ideas now of how to start it... But hmm, if he is already an assassin, I wonder if that opening scene would work our, because he seems so carefree, y'know? Ahh, soo many possibilities and options...
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Posted 9/18/09


Well I personally liked the story jump that you pulled. Where there's a blackout period between his easy relaxed life and then he's some guinea pig in a lab. Now see there are lots of interesting things you can do with this as well as there are quite a few stereotypes for this sort of direction. What you should do is one of my favorite things when developing a story. Take into consideration all the possible directions that the story could go as well as the stereotypes, and then think of something way original outside of those ideas. Sometimes it can be something completely brand new, sometimes it can be something new based on a combination of the ideas.
So stick with your main idea and think of all the directions you could possibly take it, and don't worry if it sounds dumb at first because if you develop it, it may be genius.
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Posted 9/19/09

Rezzy64 wrote:



Well I personally liked the story jump that you pulled. Where there's a blackout period between his easy relaxed life and then he's some guinea pig in a lab. Now see there are lots of interesting things you can do with this as well as there are quite a few stereotypes for this sort of direction. What you should do is one of my favorite things when developing a story. Take into consideration all the possible directions that the story could go as well as the stereotypes, and then think of something way original outside of those ideas. Sometimes it can be something completely brand new, sometimes it can be something new based on a combination of the ideas.
So stick with your main idea and think of all the directions you could possibly take it, and don't worry if it sounds dumb at first because if you develop it, it may be genius.


Do you have any ideas? Originally I had intended the whole lab thing being for them to inject him with all these fluids and genes to .... ah, I forget the word. stimulate his muscles, make them must stronger than they should be. They also increase his vision and hearing allowing him to be a better assassin. But I was thinking that because of this treatment, it has a side effect of erasing the memory swipe. Which is why occasionally he will have flashes of his real past life.
Or maybe another possibility is that along with the other things I mentioned, it allows him to control a weapon which is unique to certain genes, and can only be wielded by those who possess it... I am not entirely sure... shoot me some ideas.
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Posted 9/19/09


Well first of all you have to ask yourself a big important question, and this is always one of the most important questions that I ask myself before I start a story. Are you trying to make the story seem realistic or do you just want a fun little fantasy story where reality is a maybe.
Often answering this question will help set the entire direction of your stories plot.
Your story happens to be in one of those lucky spots where you could make it go either way so you have a nice little choice to pick from.
Then once you get that first question answered you have to look at the direction that your story is going towards and then re-ask the same question except in more specific degrees.
Here are some of the most common questions I ask myself when beginning to start a new story.

Q: Is this story Realistic or Fantastic?

-A/1: Realistic.
*Q: Since the story is realistic, how far am I delving into the boundaries of reality?
*Q: If the story is all reality, am I going to have to thoroughly explain how all the mysterious properties of my story work?
*Q: Am I instead doing a realistic story with a single or a couple of fantastic properties?
*Q: If there are a couple of fantastic properties, am I going to be able to explain them?
*Q: Is the point of the story that these properties are fantastic and unknown? (Warning: Unless careful, this can be a very weak route to follow.)

-A/2: Fantastic.
*Q: Since the story is primarily Fantastic, how far away from the bounds of logic/reality are you willing to go?
*Q: Are you actually willing to set boundaries for yourself to create this fantasy? (For instance fantastic do's and don'ts. Example: Everybody has their own individual superpower, but they can't do anything besides that one super power. [Advantage+Disadvantage])
*Q: Is the whole world of your story fantastic or just bits in pieces? (In other words are specific groups/people amazing and the rest of your fantastic world is normal?)
*Q: Instead of your whole world being fantastic are you maybe having a focus on something specifically fantastic? (This is often used to tell a story about normal people that have their story focused on one single mystical object. Some of my favorite stories of all time are done in this fashion, think Death Note.)
*Q: Is your fantastic story able to throw all caution to the wind where not much can be questioned. ( This tends to be one of the most hard to accomplish but most rewarding fantasy types ever. This often is used when you want a Fantasy story to have a long run. It entails that anything can pretty much be made up on the spot and that there are generally no boundaries. Making up entire races of creatures and magic's, where any idea flies.)

Well boss that would generally be my very beginning guideline to starting the thought process of thinking up a story. That's generally what I follow, but you always want choose wisely and question carefully because determining your story on these questions is generally what sets your entire story in motion.
This is also what begins my favorite part of writing a story which is doing all the research. The research is always my favorite part of story writing because it generally helps you determine what you want to do with your story and what boundaries, characters, plot lines, emotions, and decisions your story will be headed in. (In other words for this process, bookmark wikipedia, it is now your new best friend. lol)
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Posted 9/28/09

Rezzy64 wrote:




Wow, this is an awesome guideline to go by. Thanks bro, i will use this. But also, another thing I am bad at is making decisions. I think I will be explaining the mechanics behind some stuff, (Which is actually gonna be kinda bogus, like, it won't be physically possible, but in that world it will be, y'know? I think I explained this poorly) But yeah, i am going to get back on my story. I think I am handling the dialogue better and I am trying to be more vivid with my details, or better with my imagery I guess you could say. :)
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Posted 9/28/09

Ichigo-bankai wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:




Wow, this is an awesome guideline to go by. Thanks bro, i will use this. But also, another thing I am bad at is making decisions. I think I will be explaining the mechanics behind some stuff, (Which is actually gonna be kinda bogus, like, it won't be physically possible, but in that world it will be, y'know? I think I explained this poorly) But yeah, i am going to get back on my story. I think I am handling the dialogue better and I am trying to be more vivid with my details, or better with my imagery I guess you could say. :)


Well that sounds great to hear. I'm glad to know that you haven't given up on your story when it really does have a lot of potential from what I saw about it.
Well when you say "explain some of the mechanics" what exactly do you mean? See if you create an idea that on it's own is bogus then you shouldn't have then need to explain it to be more bogus unless that extra bogus detail plays an extremely important part in the story.
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Posted 9/29/09 , edited 9/29/09

Rezzy64 wrote:


Ichigo-bankai wrote:



Like, I might explain some of the genetic engineering with some cellular talk. For instance, (this was for another story) this gas is release and it makes all the adults go into a comatose state, but it has an opposite affect on the kids. Seeing as the kids are still growing and going through many changes, instead of the gas attacking their cells in their brain, it mutates and attaches to them which increases their capacity to learn, the rate at which they can think, and then the rate at which it can send messages to the nerves in their bodies which increases their reflexes. And then the molecules in the gas treat the cells in their muscles differently as well since they are still growing, and instead of incapacitating them, it enhances them. Something like that. Because in reality, I doubt any of that would be possible, but I am still explaining the mechanics behind it. But then again, I don't even know if that explanation is necessary, but I myself kinda liked the idea. I don't think their should just be gas that only effects the adults without a logical explanation behind it, y'know? But yeah, something like that.

P.S. I think I butchered the whole format of the replying in such... soo... sorry about that..
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Well the thing is, (but this is just how I do it) when I do science or research for a story, I prefer to make the bogus realistic as much as possible.
That's why I always do lots of research before I start writing, often the research is what makes or breaks my story. So instead of justifying the bogus with more bogus, try to make it realistic, like I said Wikipedia is my best friend when it comes to writing.
Still that's just how I do it, and as I said with my chart of Realistic vs. Fantastic there are many ways to do it besides mine.
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