Post Reply Fumetsu Mukashi [An Immortal's Past] - by AkanaYukinai
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Posted 10/24/09 , edited 1/27/10
Here is a new story that adds a little to Akana's past before she goes to Torgonia. Bringing together an OC fan character of a friend name Chiyoko Wakadaichi from the world of Mermaid Saga by Rumiko Takahashi, the two fight injustic and find friendship through the bonds of similar, yet different lives.

I give you Fumetsu Mukashi: An Immortal's Past.


Mermaids


Page 1

Page 2

Page 3

Page 4

Page 5

Page 6 (Partial)

To be continued.......

I will give you all the chance to get started on the first section and then you can make some comments and speculations about what will happen next, then I'll add more.
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Posted 10/24/09
Wow, I most say, this is an amazingly good story, I really loved the easy flow the the very unique story plot. I really can't wait to read more of it.
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33 / F / Paladon de Phoeni...
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Posted 10/27/09
Page 6 (second half)

Page 7

Page 8

Page 9

Page 10

Page 11

Page 12
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33 / F / Paladon de Phoeni...
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Posted 11/1/09
Page 13

Page 14

Page 15

Page 16

Page 17

Page 18
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Posted 11/5/09
Might as well add the last of it...here's the last 5 pages

Page 19

Page 20

Page 21

Page 22

Page 23
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Posted 11/7/09
Oh wow, really impresive story over all, took me a while to finish reading it between the children school and all that, but i really enjoyed it. The way u organized it so specificly detailled, yet always keeping a little mystery factor to Akana was real great. Also the reading was very smooth and was very clear, now i think i will go back and re-read the other few chapters of Phoenex of Torgonia, I feel motivated to read them again after this story, hope to see even more like this on the future.
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Posted 11/28/09 , edited 11/28/09
i just finished page 6..and i must say this is really amazing....great story line w/c makes me want to know what happens next right away...character setting are still mysterious to me(in a good way...unfortunately i havent read The Phoenix of Torgonia yet so i dont know akana much...just being a demon and Chiyoko as an immortal ) means that i will still get more surprises XD...for now i need to go but im gonna continue reading when i get the time....

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Posted 11/29/09

reijin007 wrote:

i just finished page 6..and i must say this is really amazing....great story line w/c makes me want to know what happens next right away...character setting are still mysterious to me(in a good way...unfortunately i havent read The Phoenix of Torgonia yet so i dont know akana much...just being a demon and Chiyoko as an immortal ) means that i will still get more surprises XD...for now i need to go but im gonna continue reading when i get the time....



lol yeah, you really must read on XD....I don't wanna give anything away, you'll have to figure that out yourself......and thanks for reminding me yet again, I really need to put the updated chapters up on here...put the first three but the last three I need to replace still...and finish chapter 7.
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Posted 1/4/10
I will start with the first six pages for now, and will hopefully get to the others soon.

Well...I don't have all that much to say. It's fun to read and easy to understand. I like your lack of exposition. Too many first installments in stories are loaded down with the stuff. For now, all we need to know is that Akana is some sort of spirit/immortal/deity and that Chiyoko is some sort of demon. Explanations can come later. It's important that the first installment not be too complicated.

The action was slightly interesting, but there was no sense of suspense; Akana was just too powerful for me to feel that she had the slightest chance of losing. I doubt that that will be true for the entirity of the plot though.

Sometimes your use of the pronoun "she" can be confusing. The text isn't organized well enough and I'm not always sure it refers to. One time, you even switched who "she" referred to between two consecutive paragraphs without warning.

One final note: Twice in the text you describe clothing as being attributed to a certain type of person, rather than what it actually looks like. I don't know what a fighter's outfit or a ninja's outfit look like, so can you describe them in your own words?

Good work.
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Posted 1/23/10

The_8th_Sin wrote:

I will start with the first six pages for now, and will hopefully get to the others soon.

Well...I don't have all that much to say. It's fun to read and easy to understand. I like your lack of exposition. Too many first installments in stories are loaded down with the stuff. For now, all we need to know is that Akana is some sort of spirit/immortal/deity and that Chiyoko is some sort of demon. Explanations can come later. It's important that the first installment not be too complicated.

The action was slightly interesting, but there was no sense of suspense; Akana was just too powerful for me to feel that she had the slightest chance of losing. I doubt that that will be true for the entirity of the plot though.

Sometimes your use of the pronoun "she" can be confusing. The text isn't organized well enough and I'm not always sure it refers to. One time, you even switched who "she" referred to between two consecutive paragraphs without warning.

One final note: Twice in the text you describe clothing as being attributed to a certain type of person, rather than what it actually looks like. I don't know what a fighter's outfit or a ninja's outfit look like, so can you describe them in your own words?

Good work.


Sorry about that, I will at least add the cover picture I did for it, which is still a work in progress but it should at least give you an idea of what she looks like and I'll show a picture of what the mermaids were wearing too since I pretty much have all of that....the description is more because it will likely end up getting drawn up.

Also, this is actually the only installment for Fumetsu Mukashi. Its the entirety of the side story, and yeah, if there are some confusing parts it was cause I was kind of crunched for time since it was a birthday gift, even though I did try to take my time on it.

As for Akana's strength yes, this was something that wasn't really supposed to show that she would lose, cause I left that for the main story. This is like an excerpt from her life before she went to the world of Torgonia at a point where it was virtually impossible for her to lose, at least on earth. And she isn't a deity, or immortal per say, she's just got heritage from a clan on Torgonia which are nearly immortal. They lead extremely long lives, much like demons, but are more human like in personality and more peaceful. My own main story is more drawn out than this shorter side story.

Chiyoko is not a demon, she is a human girl made immortal by mermaids, she's a fan OC made for a fan story that my commissioner eventually wants to work on as a continuation of the ending from Mermaid Saga (A.K.A Mermaid Forest), by Rumiko Takahashi.
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Posted 1/23/10
Alright. Well it's a pretty neat side story. I'll read the real story eventually. Maybe. Honestly, I can't say I'm too reliable on story-reading anymore...
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Posted 1/24/10
That's cool, thanks for the thought out input on it....and I'll try to get those pics in the next couple of days.
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