Post Reply Star's Gate
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26 / F / do you really wan...
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Posted 11/11/09
HELLO thank you for reading this. I'm just someone who has dreams and writes about them. this is more like anime world than regular.....(sorry for being confusing) so visualize that way. also things may(will) be spelled wrong

CH1The Beginning
MAIN CHARACTER'S POV

"In the year 2055, the human race has made much progress. it isn't unnatural for there to galactic

travel,as long as its close by,jeje. There has been many alien encounters, so many planets have become mixed

with different races. every person is filthy rice and every child...every child .jeje hahahaha. i just cant tell this story

everything was going well till you said rich. jehahah."

"come on! Haruka just tell me a story" "yeah!" do what you always do!" My three little fake brothers and sister

complained. they just don't know i cant tell a story that involves riches to them i might slip up. they'll go around "the

dump" telling the story and ill be found out."..ruka! are ya listenin!"

"Nope." They're glares were demons i swear,but so hilarious."jeje, just go to bed. hopefully your ma and pa

will bring back goodies." I zipped them into there patched sleeping bag. all of them had tired and sad faces. there

parents had been gone two days now. By this time kids start to think there abandon." Good night you three." They

didn't answer.

I left their small tin hunt with them crying. sigh~ babysitting is hard we you got no home. i know ma and pa

will come back because they asked me, I'm thirteen going on fourteen i can barely take care of myself without her
help.

PWHEE!

ah shes calling me. i whistled back to let her know i was on my way.


"Jeje, i like how the nice part of town has clocks. if she calls me at the same time then...i broke my

record of getting to her house jeje."now all i have to worry about is "security" jeje.

Authors Pov


Haruka moved wildly with elegance dodging the red beams and the bright flash-lights of security. She

stopped

at a balcony and whistle softly. she waited and a rope ladder dropped from the balcony. She climbed up and saw

a girl with bounce golden curls in her pajamas. Haruka bit her lip and grinned.

"Yo Yori, i see your security is still as lame as ever jeje."

"Ha ha very funny if you haven't notice your the only person who can get through it, Haru-Chan!"

"So you called me?" She grinned her unique grin.

"Haru-Chan your as idiotically cute as always" Yori smiled sweetly and Haruka looked at her

dumbfounded. "look around what do you see?" she looked around and saw different sized bags and luggage. Her

face warped to a stone of complete sadness.

With a loud and snot filled cry she yelled "Yori your moving? please don't go."


sorry i have to ended it here consider this a preview i guess or part one yeah part one good night
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27 / F / Turkey
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Posted 11/15/09
well, first off you really have to fix your writing style cus really I have no idea where the story begin, where from it was your telling and where from it was told by her point of view...

you must make sure the reading of your story goes smoothly and flows without problems. I was a really hard read for me. Even tho I love reading... the main reason why I read ur story cus ppl who join this group seem to forget why we are here... to help each other out with reviews and encourage our sprouting souls eager to CREATE!

you have an impressing potencial of a story teller along with your story, having its own potencial as well. It can turn out to be a really good story, joyful to read and nice to remember but right now its just too confusing for me to enjoy it... for example why do the sentences jump 2 lines in the middle of the sentence? the meaning becomes broken... u can check my story as an example on how would it be best to arrange the writing here... this is merely a prologue to your story so I cant comment on your work much, but from as far as I read, you should keep writing.

I'll be here if you need anything. I am also the mod of this group, so dont hesistate to ask me anything..

Kudos

elanra_moonlight
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Posted 11/21/09
ahaha!! elanra-chan the teacher XP yeps i agree with her though. your story is pretty interesting but the way how you write it is kind of confusing. you should not space out your sentences and have paragraphs and also punctuations. basically what elanra-chan said XDD
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Posted 11/25/09
Yeah, This seems somewhat more of a prologue. I think you should have stayed to describe the characters physical appearances more, like hair length, eye color etc. it creates a better image for the readers on the characters. This may just be me, but maybe end with something suspenseful like adding "There is something i have to do." after the last line. Has the reader wonder what is going to happen next and keep on reading. But this story definitely has potential, just use these comments to your advantage
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Posted 11/27/09
thank you very much for reading inu's story. i really do appreciate the critic. i will use your,elanra_moonlight, as example.....i would say more but its hard when apart of your mind is annoying you
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27 / F / Turkey
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Posted 11/28/09
just keep on writing!

bibble06's comment would be very helpful too, desctiptions are the souls to stories, they wont breath without them. use more descriptions and of course like he said, the ending of a chapter is surely crucial, you must make sure it draws ppl attention and make them NEED to come back and read the rest... (i used too many "and"s in one sentence )

anyway... my point is if i didnt thought u already have some talent in your hand and that u can really be good at this, i would just say "good... keep on writing"

instead i am here, trying to encourage you 4 am in the morning

WRITE MORE!!
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Posted 11/28/09 , edited 11/28/09
This is what we are all here for, to help each other out and make it as best as it can be. Also, feel free to use my story as an example as well if ur story is going to be more anime world. I do warn you that mine is pretty long cause i tend to give each chapter that of a length of an actual anime episode. I hope to read more of this soon :D. Otherwise elanra_moonlight is going to force you to keep writing it like she did with me LOL XP. Just kidding around elanra :D. But hope to read the second chapter soon inuj
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Posted 12/25/09 , edited 12/25/09
THANK YOU i have taken all you guys advice(i must say it did hurt but i wrote a poem and i was fine) but to make myself better i wont update this or rewrite because i have to check myself in my journal and im kinda slow so it will be a while but i will get better. thank you for your encouragement i hope i spelled that right

p.s.
if all goes well i will have something up later
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