First  Prev  1  2  3  4  Next  Last
Post Reply Meg-chan's Rant
Member
2645 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / What? Your mom di...
Offline
Posted 12/5/09 , edited 12/10/09
Was going to put this in the advice forum, but it got kinda long, and Embie-chan and Zozo-Chan told me that it wouldn't get deleted if I posted it as a topic. So, here it is. Enjoy my negativity~

Sorry lol you'll find that I go off on this topic a lot, but it's the 2nd lowest I've been in my entire life.
I'll tell you the first lowest another time.. Maybe. We'll see haha.

~ P A R T ~ O N E ~


Last December, I got into a relationship with a guy named Alex.
The first time I saw him, I thought he was a self absorbed show off. He moved to my small town from Vegas. I didn't want anything to do with him. He was tall and muscular and he has beautiful brown eyes that look like melted ice cream.. His dark hair made him look pale, especially as his vegas tan wore off. Something about the way he moved just.. Nearly sent chills up my spine. He had worked in a magic shop and was.. Well somewhat of a skilled magician. People would corner him in the hall so that he would show them his tricks. Mostly girls, lured in by his mysterious aura and good looks.

Well, he was drawn to a certain group of boys, who were soon to draw me in the same way, and in a few weeks, we were both part of the "pack". I obtained a rather bad reputation around school, as it was thought that I slept with all of the guys. I got very close to them. Boundaries didn't seem to mean anything, and neither did the opinion of the rest of the school. It took a while for me to warm up to Alex. I couldn't read him very well; not like I could read other people. There was always a bit of tension when we were in the same room. He made me laugh. I smiled so often and so wide that my cheeks hurt, just from the sheer joy of talking to him. His witty comments always seemed to be so well thought out, but in reality, he would have had to come up with them off of the top of his head because of the contents of the conversation.

I decided that I liked him, after a while. I didn't expect anything serious, though, and I kept it from him, thinking that he didn't have the same feelings. He was gorgeous and gentle.. He could have anyone he wanted. He wouldn't choose me; such an average, clumsy girl. No, he would go after someone more interesting and less shy. Someone who made less mistakes and wasn't afraid of the world.
I convinced myself of this and went on with life, though the tension got more and more obvious to me; and everyone else, in fact. Many of my friends teased me, saying that I liked him and that something was going to happen between us. I blushed and brushed it off, flat out lying to their faces (though, I think they knew).

Early December, one year ago, a few of us got together at a friends house. There were four people:
Alex, Me, Robert, and Steven. I didn't know Steven well. He was one of Robert's friends. He had expressed interest towards me, but I didn't really know him, so I wasn't really that inclined.... We were in Robert's room, playing Halo (that was my first time playing Halo, btw). I sucked at it really bad. We sat on Robert's bed, which was pushed against the wall opposite of the tv. Alex and I spent a couple of hours flirting very obviously. I was pretty dazed, I must admit. Since I sucked so bad at Halo, we came up with a rather fitting arrangement, where I controlled the joystick on the controller, and he controlled shooting. I dunno how we did it, but we PWND after that. Steven just.. Huddled in his emo corner and mentally slit his wrists. At one point, Robert and Steven left the room. A rather awkward silence set in. Halo on pause, there was nothing to distract us from the tension. He leaned over to me and whispered "Will you go out with me?" in my ear (in a particularly suggestive way, too. If he was trying to turn me on, it worked). I was shocked and... Lol I dunno how to describe the feeling.. Excitement, sort of. It was a warm feeling, though. Know what, lets just stick with dazed. Anyway, I was dazed and I answered with "Yeah.."; a whispered answer to a whispered question. He reached over and touched my jaw bone, and we shared our first kiss.

Probably not seen as romantic to you.. Us making out in Robert's UNGODLY dirty room, Halo on pause and friends walking in on us.. But it was the first of the many times we shared emotion.. Emotion that shouldn't even exist.. In that moment, I fell in love.

People came and went, that night. Slowly, word spread. I became one of the most hated people in school, by other girls. Alex was so gentle towards me and would.. Haha.. He'd kiss me so obviously.. In the middle of the hallway, where PDA was outlawed. He didn't care about the consequences, it seemed. When he kissed me, it felt like he had been holding it in for years, and was just dying to get the emotion out.. He was passionate about it and romantic... The relationship went on like that.. I continued to be in wordless bliss for about a month.

We started having problems, then. He didn't quite understand my method of communication.. And it was so difficult for me because I couldn't read his emotions like I could read other peoples'.... We may as well have spoken two different languages. I'd say something, he'd take it wrong and get mad, we'd work it out; repeat. I made many mistakes. I was young, stupid, and had never been in a serious relationship before. The arguing got worse and worse. My mind feared that he would leave me, but my heart was so sure that he would stay.. I trusted him with everything. I gave him my heart.

Then one day.. Late February/Early March..
He sat me down and.. I knew it was coming.. Just that sense of dread... (Sorry, this is emotional for me) He broke it off... He told me that.. After high school, he was leaving for Mexico, and couldn't take me with.. And so it had to end before things got harder... It took every ounce of self control I had to not let him see me cry. I looked at him, (probably with a terrible expression on my face, as I was trying not to burst out sobbing..) and said "Okay.." -pause- " I have to pee."

~ P A R T ~ T W O ~

Well, I know how much I say that my friends are all guys, but there was actually one that was a girl. Just one, then (now there's two). I gave her the "Look" as I walked into the bathroom, and reading my body language, she followed.
Not even kidding, as soon as I stepped into the bathroom, I couldn't hold it and I broke out into violent sobs.. Lol I'm pretty sure the guys outside the bathroom heard me (including Alex), but I was too emotional to care, at that point. I sobbed on her shoulder til the bell rang. I then dried my tears, waited as long as I could without being tardy to my first class of the day, and walked to my first hour.

Crying is a big thing for me. I don't cry often. It's just... Difficult to make me cry. I dunno why. I don't hold it in. Just.. the tears just don't come.

I didn't know... I mean.. I didn't know what to do after that. I didn't know how to act and I didn't really understand anything anymore. People would talk and I wouldn't even comprehend what they were saying. I was empty. I didn't feel happiness anymore after that. I either felt apathetic, severely depressed, or an emotion I like to call "Bitterly-Sarcastic" (but that emotion didn't come in for a few weeks). I was just.. Lost. I didn't know how to deal with ANYTHING like that, because up until that year, I was harshly rejected by pretty much everyone.. And I didn't ever dream of being in a situation like that. I just... I didn't know how to deal with it.

I cannot express to you the agony I felt just walking down the hall to my first class (just happened to be English). If I remember correctly, I was tardy anyway. I actually had a couple friends in that class who were waiting for me to share the news as soon as I stepped into the room. I don't recall exactly what I told them. I remember one of the guys asking me if I was okay.. -pause- "Yeah.. Yeah I'm awesome."
And that was the end of the conversation. A few minutes passed and I couldn't hold in my emotion.. Lol this was probably hilarious to watch, but it wasn't so funny at the time. I stood up and walked to the teachers desk. All eyes were on me. I gave off this aura of... Well I dunno what to call it. Negativity. I talked quietly to avoid my voice cracking "Can I go to the bathroom?" The teacher looked at me with worry, sensing my grief. "Are you okay?" -pause- "Yeah.. Yeah just gotta go.." She didn't really believe me, surprise, surprise.
She did let me go, though. I went to the farthest bathroom possible from the classroom. The other one didn't have cell phone service. I sat on the counter and sobbed into my knees for a moment and then got out my cell phone and called my mom. She was at work, so I didn't really get to talk to her for long.. She comforted me on the phone, but the comfort vanished when she hung up. I was well past the normal time limit for taking a piss, but I didn't go back. I just continued to sob. Now, really, I'm not one to cry. I DON'T cry. So this is.. Really big for me. After a while, the teacher found me. She of course asked what was up and I told her the story in between violent gasps.
I don't really remember what happened after that.. The rest of the day must have gone by, but I had no concept of time.

I don't remember that night, but I remember the day after.
I remember walking into the school, waiting for him to arrive. My aura hadn't changed since the day before. I watched him walk in and put his stuff in his locker.. He didn't look at me, for either emotional reasons or maybe he just didn't want to see my face. I don't blame him. I was a mess. I remember standing in our usual circle of people, only instead of standing next to him, I stood on the other side of the circle. That's all I remember from that day.

So the girl I mentioned earlier.. Her name is Rachel. She was dating Robert at the time. Coincidentally, she got dumped not too long after. She's not great with relationships sometimes...

It was terrible and I felt bad for her, but I needed her. While we cried on each other, the guys were busy distracting Alex and Robert. The arrangement worked well. I still got comfort from the guys, but they didn't really know how to deal with me so they mostly stuck with Alex.

Well, I soon made break-up mistake number 1.
I started dating a friend of mine, named Kohl. There had been sort of a tension between us for a long time. Nothing like how it was with Alex, but still a little. Kohl was gentle as well, but his touch was different than Alex. I didn't fall in love, but I thought I did, as he was a the biggest source of comfort that I had seen since Alex. It was a nice distraction for a while, but then I got dumped again. I now had TWO boys to cry over. I didn't cry over Kohl that much, though. I was disappointed more than anything. I don't remember how long we dated. I don't remember what happened during a lot of the time back then.

After a while, I started break-up mistake number 2.
I tried the friends with benefits thing with both of them, separately. Can you guess how well that worked?
Yeah, it didn't. It may have been fine had I no feelings for either of them. But I still had feelings for BOTH of them. I won't go into detail there, but lots happened..

~ P A R T ~ T H R E E ~

Time went on, and I struggled to deal with my heartbreak. I invested a lot of thought into what I should to do. Me and Alex started arguing, sort of. We were just.. Mean to each other. I dunno why. I don't actually remember. But that went on for quite a while...

I don't remember what happened between me and Alex after that. I begged him to take me back countless times. He never did. Somehow, he resisted my emotional pleas. I was desperate.

Eventually, the tears stopped coming. The emotion was still there, but I was just.. Done crying about it. I guess I still had my moments, but I never really broke down and sobbed. THAT is crying, to me. Not just two little tears running down my face. I needed a way to let out my emotions. In my opinion, there's two good ways to let out emotion. Crying and laughing. If you can't do either one, then you need musical therapy. Well, since option number one wasn't available to me anymore, I turned to the latter. I became bitter and found that I had quite a maniacal twist to my personality. Sarcasm dominated my emotions and I let it show. ^^ I was a pretty scary person there for a while. I laughed about my dark mood, and quite frankly, it felt good. It was much better than my mood had been before. It made things easier to deal with. This is the emotion I mentioned earlier: Bitterly-Sarcastic. That mood saved me. It had quite an evil aura, but it saved me from my depression.

Now, during this time, I was learning how to deal with heartbreak, but I was also learning many other things. I learned that it was okay to feel a little angry at someone and that it is important to exercise self control. I also learned that not everyone needs to know EVERYTHING about your life. I learned what it takes to get me through things. I now know my limits.

Well, by this time, summer had started. I didn't really do much during the summer. I don't actually remember it very well. I know that me and Alex were still fighting hardcore. Constantly at each others throat. My emotions eventually regulated. I was okay. Somewhere along the line, we had a normal, pleasant conversation like human beings. He started talking to me again. I started falling for him all over again. The only difference this time was that he wasn't falling for me. I suppose I had changed. Amazing how much ones personality can change in just a matter of months. I was different. More cautious and less inclined to show him emotion, though it was there.



It was getting to be the time of year for school to start. I would be a junior. I'd have to look on the calendar for the exact date (yes, I marked it. Pathetic haha but I wanted to remember exactly when it was), but it had to have been in the first two months of school. .. Anyway I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

We started talking, just little by little, here and there. His mom moved him to a different town this year, so he wasn't nearby all the time. I can't decide whether or not that would have been easier or harder. Anyway, the town he's in now is only about half an hour away. I started missing him. See, he's just not the same on facebook as he is in person. After a few weeks of talking, we decided that we'd go on a casual date. Just for old times sake.

Me being the only one with a license (-_-'), it was decided that I would drive up there. The plan was to see a movie. I was a bit intimidated because he lives in a bigger town than I do (and I didn't have a ton of driving experience), but it was worth it to go see him. I took my mom's car because mine isn't the most reliable. We met outside of Walgreens. He was as beautiful as ever, but I couldn't look at him the same way that I did before. I had to constantly remind myself that this was just me and him hanging out. Just a casual date and I shouldn't expect anything from it.

We got to the movie theater and sat in the middle of a row near the top. To be honest, I don't even remember the movie. My memory only has room for so much, and the space seemed to decline a lot after the break-up. All I really remember is being there with him. We talked a bit for a while, then the movie started.

I was complaining about my gum because is had lost it's taste. He gave me this look and replied with "Want me to take that from you, then?"
Confused, I answered "Sure."

He folded the arm rest between us up into the chair (The theater got new seats and they were amazing like that), brought his hand up to my jaw bone and his face closer to mine, and stole the breath right out of my mouth (the gum, too, but I didn't care much about that at the time).

After the movie, I dropped him off at home and drove myself back. I was late coming home because I got lost trying to find the freeway. As soon as I arrived at my house, I went straight to bed. I had a lot on my mind, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I don't really remember the time between that and our next date. I don't remember a lot of things these days.

I drove up for our next date about a month later. I believe it was October by that time. This time around, I was sort of expectant. I knew something was going to happen. We met at Walgreens again. Coincidentally, neither of us had any money, expecting the other to pay for a movie or something (Honestly, I think he planned it...). We decided to just go to a park that was near and hang out in the car. We all know what that really means.

We got to the park and turned off the car. The first few minutes we were together, we sort of talked. It was a failed attempt at covering up the awkwardness. I'll just cut the details out of this for you and say that we got a little creative for four hours. We went farther than we had before, but we didn't go all the way (that's to say, we didn't have sex). I dunno why, but I'm extremely comfortable with him. He doesn't make me feel awkward during.. Um.. That kind of stuff.


Well, it messed with me emotionally, to say the least. I'm an emotional kinda person. I knew it would. If I do things without some kind of commitment.. I dunno it just really messes me up

(Trying to fix this... It got messed up somehow and isn't showing the rest of it. I dunno if I can retype it either. It'll turn out different and I'll forget to add things.)


-_-... Alright.. I'll try to retype it.. I haven't spent much time trying to fix it, but If what I typed is gone, then I need to retype it as soon as possible. Lovely. alright, here we go:

Lemme see.. I dunno what details I put in between this and the next big thing, so I'll just go onto the next big thing.

After a while of not doing anything, my human emotions took over (near the end of November). I was absolutely terrified that I was going to just.. Lose control on someone that I didn't even know. -skipping detail that most of you have already read-

How can I keep from losing it and having sex with someone I don't know?
(My inner "genius" -sarcasm-): Have sex with someone you do know.
Who am I willing to have sex with?
(My inner "genius"): Alex.

And that's just about how it went.
I talked to Alex about it and he agreed on two conditions: I tell an ex of mine that supposedly "loved" me, and I keep it a secret from all my other friends. ( insert rant about how he's ashamed of me because he didn't want any of our other friends to know HERE).

The condensed version of the story:
Drove up there; watched a movie; drove around and bought a box of condoms; did our thing in the backseat of my car that we parked in the parking lot of his rival high school.

A bit shorter than it used to be, but I don't have enough patience to type it all out again and I don't remember all that I told you guys about it. Lol it gets the job done, at least.

NOW. This was the part where I asked you guys if I was being used the whole time.
I mean, obviously, this last time I got used. It was my fault because my subconsciousness is desperate for his love still.
I think my collection of questions went about like this:
Did he use me from the beginning?
Is he embarrassed of me?

.. And I don't remember any of the other ones lol. Sorry, I get lazy when I try to explain things more than once. Right. Now. I'll just put in the part that I added. It's me getting yelled at for telling people because I broke a promise etc etc etc..... :


Lol kaykay here's me getting yelled at:

Alex: .....
Meggie: What?
Alex: .....
Meggie: What?!
Alex: oh you know what....
Meggie: I do?
Alex: you should....
...anyone...that includes everyone
everyone which includes doug which means i can probably assume you told ray too

Alex: did you?
Meggie: ... I'm in trouble....

Alex: Oh my
.....


Meggie: ............ Waiting for the yelling to start..
Meggie: And isn't God Robert?

E D I T: -The next morning-

Alex: dont
with me its not funny
you repeatedly swore and promised me you wouldnt tell anyone even ray


Meggie: Yeah... I know I promised.. Don't think I didn't feel guilty afterward.. Look I'm just.. Not going to try and avoid this. Yeah. I let it slip. I deserve all the wrath and hate that you care to throw my way. Why didn't you want me to tell them, anyway? Because quite frankly, it sounds like you're embarrassed about it.

Alex: not going to try and avoid what?
you want me to hate you? is that why you did it?
You have no right to analyze this situation because your the one that created it, so quite "FRANKLY" embarrassment has nothing to do with it. I have no reason to be embarrassed nor would i be even if i did. The reason I did and still dont want you telling people because i dont want to deal with the drama that will come from people knowing, I did it because you asked me to and because you trusted me enough to come to me with your need. In turn I asked for two VERY small favors. One, to tell danny and make sure he was ok with it. Two, of not telling anyone because I dont want to deal with the shit that I will get from maybe Kohl, Andrew, or definitely Nick and by telling ANYONE even little kung cho who lives in china there is a chance that they will find out and give me hell for it.
BUT this is not about me, and dont try and turn it into that. THIS is about you and how you gave me your word and knowingly broke it.
why would you do that?
so you can brag?
Thats some bull shit

Meggie: You done yet?
Alex: answer what you can and we'll see
Alex: but i really thought you were better than this
Meggie: You want me to fight back? I'm not arguing. I agree completely. It was a pretty bitchy thing to do. It was bitchy and hypocritical. It didn't up my self value, I'll tell you that much. If it helps, I'm sorry.
Alex: say it to my face and we'll see if i believe you
cause you know, you've kinda fucked up my trust in you
...again


Lol and that's as far as the conversation has gotten so far.... I applaud my own sense of humor.

Posted 12/6/09
I wouldnt delete it ^^
im too nice XD
-goes to read the long-ness-
WOO! 8D
Posted 12/6/09 , edited 12/6/09
OMG I ALMOST CRYED T^T
i remember something after reading this </3
T__T

IM SORRY D:
you must have a lot of courage to put this up tho <3 T_T GOODFORYOU!
I have this storii on here about this one guy too actually xD
i should update it so you can read my negativity too =w=

Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 12/6/09
Wow, I almost don't know what to say!
That's a pretty deep recollection. You sound like an adult!
I've said it before, but you really are very mature for your age. It's a good thing and a bad thing all in one.
Good that you know how it feels and hopefully won't make mistakes like those anymore, but Bad that you had to go through something like that so early in life D:
Creator
51646 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M / with Dampé by the...
Offline
Posted 12/6/09
whoa, that right there must've been really hard to do to write about what's happened to you in the past. I hope things go better for you in the future!! it's not saying much, probably because after reading that I'm at a lost for words right now.
Member
2645 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / What? Your mom di...
Offline
Posted 12/7/09 , edited 12/7/09
Lol I haven't even gotten to the worst part yet. Thanks though. To everyone. You guys are all supportive of me.. Makes me feel good ^^.
The whole story has a point, I just haven't gotten that far yet.

Koko-chan, I'd love to read your negativity. Lol not that I wish you negativity, just.. I'd love to read it. I find it easy to relate to people (because I have a fairly large emotional range lol) and I bet I could understand, if not say anything to comfort you.

Embie-chan, It was pretty deep, but I'm good at deep things. This story.. Lol well it taught me a lot about myself. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, but it was good for me. Though it still hurts a bit (I'm getting to that part), I feel like I owe him something; He more or less taught me confidence.

Defy-chan, it was actually easier than you'd think it would be. I'm the kind of person who needs to express things. I can't keep things in because I can't handle the stress by myself. It gets mistaken for attention cravings, but if I wanted attention, I would have found better ways to get it than prying pity from others. That being said, there are still things about my past that I can't tell people (not that I won't, it's that I CAN'T). Lol I guess I've had a fair amount of difficulty for my age, but I've had happiness to match that amount =P
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 12/7/09
Man, I'd have to say the hardest thing I've ever been through was losing my cats when I was in middle school DX
Or when my Great Grandparents died D:
MAYYYYBE this one time in eighth grade when I kinda broke down from the bullying T____T
And you have THIS
Makes me feel whine-y and like a baby =w=

What you said about him teaching you confidence, I totally understand. Goes back to my answer from the "need help" forum to the "do things happen for a reason" question. I said the bad things in life happen to teach us things and help us cope with things later on in life
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 12/7/09
WAIT he took you back then...?
I have the feeling I'll end up disliking him....? =w=
I really don't like it when guys get all wishy washy and since HE'S the one that broke it off with you, and then HE'S the one that started it up again (even though you wanted it too, but it seems like he's the one that initiated it both times you got together) I get the feeling this will not end any better than it did the first time...?

I guess it is good that he makes you feel comfortable though .___.
Member
2645 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / What? Your mom di...
Offline
Posted 12/7/09
Lol yeah you'll hate the end of it.. I'm working up to my current situation.... It's really not very pretty...
Creator
63251 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / In my own little...
Offline
Posted 12/7/09
I bet the BV in me is going to die a little =w= (lol RP reference, the BVs are the goddesses of pairingness and sugar and all things happy and fluffy =w= They're all bubbly and all-powerful but too dumb to really do anything XD)
LOL I hope you get it up before I start making scenarios in my head for what happens XD
I do that a lot. and then I get all bugged when the ending's different D:
But since this is a real life thing I think I'll be okay X3
But still D: I hope things get better DX
Member
25801 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / M / Archangelus
Offline
Posted 12/7/09 , edited 12/7/09
You my friend, is very mature. (:

I haven't have much of an idea what to say, so please bear with me.
Also, I congratulate you for not going all the way.
Member
2645 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / What? Your mom di...
Offline
Posted 12/7/09

Angelonius wrote:

You my friend, is very mature. (:

I haven't have much of an idea what to say, so please bear with me.
Also, I congratulate you for not going all the way.


Lol, congratulations too soon...
Thanks, though.
Member
25801 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / M / Archangelus
Offline
Posted 12/7/09

oneweirdgirl wrote:


Angelonius wrote:

You my friend, is very mature. (:

I haven't have much of an idea what to say, so please bear with me.
Also, I congratulate you for not going all the way.


Lol, congratulations too soon...
Thanks, though.


Most women want to go all the way, but you showed the strength of character not to do so. For that, you have received the congratulatory remark earlier.
Member
2645 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / What? Your mom di...
Offline
Posted 12/7/09
Lol I DID, but then I went and ruined it at the end of the story. I finished it, btw.
Member
25801 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / M / Archangelus
Offline
Posted 12/7/09 , edited 12/7/09
Now it will take me a week to analyze the new additions, for I lack decent amounts of relationship experience.
First  Prev  1  2  3  4  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.