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Dear Diary...
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27 / M / Archangelus
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Posted 12/11/09
If he's gonna whine like a pansy, then let me fire orbital laser at him!
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19 / Desert Bluffs
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Posted 12/11/09
b4 i start my entry....*sends a bunch of hollows and a gran rey cero at alex then if hes still alive blasts a bazuka{angelo correct me if i'm wrong =w=]at 'em* DIE TEME!YOUR NOT IMORRTAL!*glare of eternal death*

Dear CR jernal,

I'm Toru-chan!if you didint already know thats not my real name,its just my online idnaty......and i'm not the best speller XD my fav saying is "in my __years of life i have lerned that ppl are stupid."
i'm random,i like arguing about silly things wen im bored XD,i'm vary morbid,i love my friends and am vary protectiv of my close ones[not that i have any irl =_=],i hate ppl who think that they are all that,i tend to lie when i'm scared IRL[not so much online],i'm a good lier[it sickins me.....],i love music![can't live without it!],i'm a bit lazy >w<,i'm smart for my age and i dont get along with ppl my age well[i'm 12],I HATE DRAMA!WE CAN LIVE WITH OUT IT!,I don't like being used[if you use you'll have to pay hell.],my lucky nubers are 13 and 7,i am so many things i'll have to edit this some day XD
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23 / F / What? Your mom di...
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Posted 12/11/09
Lol you guys make me feel so much better, not even kidding.
This is something that I can't really go to my other friends for because they're HIS friends too, so they don't really know what to do. I mean, when I say something, they'll laugh about it with me or whatever, but since they also hear his side of things (he makes me look horrible, of course), they're sort of stuck and they don't know whose side to take.

@Embie-chan: Yeah, my guess is that he'll whine when he replies back. He'll get all defensive because he started to piss me off and I fought back a little. Idk HOW he does it, but he's really really good at running me out of patience. That takes SKILL. I'm not a very angry person. I have a high tolerance for annoying people. But Alex.. Oh he pisses me off like it's nothing. ._. Why'd I hafta fall in love with someone so inconvenient?

@Toru-chan: Shoot as many ceros as you want <3
He deserves them.

@Toru-chan and Angel-kun: He's pretty tough, you guys, so don't go easy on him.

(Seriously, he's got nice big muscles.. Niiiiice and big......)


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27 / M / Archangelus
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Posted 12/11/09
This calls for the Shogun battleship!
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19 / Desert Bluffs
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Posted 12/11/09 , edited 12/11/09
@Meg:YAY~I LOVE BEATING PPL UP ON THE INTERNET X3
and dont worry,we wernt planing on it =w=heeheehee*blasts 100000 CEROs at him*
@angelo:LETS DO IT! *punches air with firey eyes*
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27 / M / Archangelus
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Posted 12/11/09
*goes onbaord the battleship "Hakouro" and aims the main guns at Alex*
*fires shots at Alex*
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25 / F / In my own little...
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Posted 12/11/09
=w= That's what we're here for ^^
lol for some reason when I think of him reading what you said and typing his reply, I picture a monkey in clothes making those shrill monkey screech noises and jumping up and down on the computer chair =w=
And for some reason the monkey always has a banana (because, let's face it, monkeys ALWAYS have bananas) and glasses on =w=

lol and it looks like so far he's been neglecting grammar =w=
lol, you're hurting more than he is, and you can still use proper grammar =w=
Posted 12/12/09 , edited 12/12/09
@angelo & toru: Lmao owo...you guys remind me of that time you ONCE hated TASHII XD like, BALIZZIONYAERS AGO =3

My turn! 8D


DEAR DIARY ON CR,
How are you today Diary?? :D
Idk how to do this...XD The LAST time i had a diary and actually wrote random stuff in it, was like middle school o_o.....so yea, CENTURIES AGO! IM KNOWN AS KOKO ON CR. And Jana irl and on other social websites like FB, Myspace :3 WOOOHOOO! Im currenly lazii @ getting my permit =D=. Bad thing- i made a bet w/ meh cuzzin and his friend that I was going to get meh permit BEFORE them! ANd they're YOUNGER! Like, by TWO YEARS D< So i found out that meh cuzzin got his already -w- Good thing- PPL WONT DIE OF MEH CRAZY DRIVING 8D MORE LIVES! YAY! And plus, im more likely to live LONGER WITHOUT getting in a car crash XD AHHAAHAH. I LOST THE BET BTW o3o;; Oooh well. Im thinkin of gettin it durin Winta vaca? Wait no, THATS wen i gotta make an appointment to gettin meh contacts already D: I need em 8D i look waaaaaaay better w/o. Ppl say so. but i guess i can look just as "sexy" w/ em =w= BUT i had glasses for too long, xD And am totally 100% BLIND w/o em Dx I need to get braces too DX. but here they're like a thousand somethin usually ._. ASDHKLHLDFHKL. Im still 5'2 or somethin and goin to graduate next year XD im SOOO SHORT. i CANT imagine myself lookin so short wiff meh graduation hat & gown...just standing there in front of everyone...ima just laugh XP
Oh!
And a good ol' diary CANT be complete w/o teh boy-yapping > w<
-*CURRENTLY: Crushing :3

~End 1st entry?
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23 / F / What? Your mom di...
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Posted 12/12/09
Lol Koko-chan I need braces and glasses too. I hate my contacts because I'm just a lazy person and I forget I have them in (or I forget to put them in.. Depends on the situation).

Dear CR Diary:

I'm an idiot. I am completely... Just wow. To the point where it's becoming impressive. I was SO CLOSE. So close.. And I messed it up. Why? Because I can't deal with things on my own and I didn't go to the one person who I was allowed to go to. Really? Are you kidding me? After MONTHS of trying to get him to trust me again after all my stupid mistakes, one move effed it up.

He replied to my last message with this:


This coming from the person that once told me i would never do anything wrong even if im just human because its my choice to do it whether its good or bad and my choice will always be the right thing because thats who i am.
why do you pin that kind of pressure on me to always do the right thing when you yourself decide against it and then go under the excuse that oh im only human and i make mistakes? Thats a completely Casey move, and thats part of what pisses me off. You had complete control over this mistake and you chose to make it out of your own free will, its not like you didnt know any better and then you made the wrong choice on accident.
Stop trying to shrug this off like its no big deal and im over reacting. You chose to screw me over and even if this is a small thing to you its the basic concept of you doing it after so adamantly accepting my request.


Trouble figuring it out?
I spelt it out to you
i decided to trust you again, guess work on how i feel about you has nothing to do with it.
This is a big deal to me because i reinvested my faith into you one more time than i thought i would.
and it was thrown in my face. If you cant do this small thing for me then how am i supposed to trust you with something bigger? Thats why its such a big deal to me.


Btw, I have more to say on this subject, but I'ma double post, probably, so if you comment about this and I don't answer right away, it's not because I'm ignoring you >.<
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23 / F / What? Your mom di...
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Posted 12/12/09
My Reply to Alex:

I'm sorry, Alex. I said I was sorry. Multiple times. I'm not TRYING to treat it like it's nothing. What do you want me to do? Yeah, I had complete control over it and I messed it up. I do that sometimes. EVERYONE does that sometimes. You're not overreacting, but it's not doing any good trying to make me understand that I should feel guilty because I already DO. I said that before. I feel guilty to a pretty damn extreme. Yeah, I told your secret, but it was also MY secret. You said something earlier about me thinking that it was ONLY my secret (which, btw, was not the case), now don't start acting like it was only YOUR secret.

I told it because I needed help dealing with it. Yeah, I should have come to you. I know that now, but it doesn't change what I did.

Look, I'm done. I'm finished with this. Sorry. Really. I know you don't believe me, but I'm sorry anyway. I'm sorry that you STILL have the "butter effect" on me and that I STILL can't make the sting go away. Maybe it's time that I ran away from it instead of trying to face it, like I always do. Obviously, I can't do anything right for you, and I guess that makes trying wasted energy. Maybe I should put my energy into MYSELF for a little while and quit thinking about what's best for other people. So, yeah. You win. I give up. Congratulations.





Yeah so.. That might be my last reply to his message. Unless he actually replies back to me. If it's not obvious, I'm wallowing in guilt. Marinating like that steak your mom has in the fridge. (just thought I'd point out that that was a sex reference I thought up for my own personal entertainment). He's so good at making me feel guilty and weak. Maybe that's why I fell for him.. Because he made drained my ankles of calcium. Much like diet pepsi does. He puts me so close to crying sometimes that it's just... It's impressive. I'm in awe. I hope that's what he wanted, because that's what he got. I'm so CONFUSED... I don't.. I don't get it. I don't understand what he wants me to do right now. He's spent the last few replies telling me that I lied to him and that I can't be trusted and how horrible of a person I am. That's awesome. Now what do I DO about it. I don't know which of us is the incorrect party in this debate. I'm more than willing to try to look at things from his point of view, but I don't know what his point of view IS! Usually I can figure out what people want me to say.. How they want me to act.. Sometimes I defy it and rebel against the kind of person society wants me to be, but with Alex, I have done NOTHING but try to be perfect. That was probably my mistake. Every time I try to argue with him about something, he just finds some way to top it. He can't be wrong and I can't be right. Like I said to him, I can't do ANYTHING right. I dunno if it's because I'm just a flawed person like that, or if it's because he thinks that I should be perfect... Ugh.. He's insane. I'm done though. I'm done chasing him. If he doesn't see me someone fit to pursue, then the relationship will never be repaired because I'm sick of doing all the work. I'm just going to sit back and TAKE the sting from now on, I think, because every time I try to fix it, it gets worse.
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23 / F / What? Your mom di...
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Posted 12/12/09
This will be a tripple post, if no one posts in between my last post and this one. O.o I should channel my stress into writing something. That way it might actually benefit someone.

I read a book today.
Well. Actually, only half of it so far. It's not a very big book, but it's taking me a while because it's a pretty .. Um.. Well it makes me think. I have to concentrate harder on it than I have to concentrate on other things. O.o maybe I should get back on my ritilan... (No! Hate that stuff. It makes me such a zombie..)... Anyway, it's a psychology book. Psychology being "the study of behaviors" or something or other. It's called "Positive Personality Profiles" and it's by Robert A. Rohm.
.. yeah, it's good. It's really interesting, because I can see the personalities it describes in myself and my friends. I classified Alex as mostly a "D" and an "I". D's are task oriented and outgoing, and I's are people oriented and outgoing. Well, Alex is really outgoing, and he knows how to handle people really well (Hence, I saw a little "I" in him), but he's also the get the job done type; sort of a my way of the highway thing. I'm sure you've seen a little bit of it in our current argument. He's really a fun person and he has a sense of humor. I dunno if I said this before, but he's an AMAZING dancer. He really knows how to entertain people. But he's also really hard headed and stubborn. He doesn't take excuses. ... I dunno.. No one will probably understand any of this if they haven't read the book, but it's REALLY interesting for me lol.

I classified myself as .. Well mostly an "S"... I dunno. I'ma freak lol. The "S" personality is introverted and people oriented. I empathize well with people because I have such a large emotional range. S people tend to think with their heart, rather than with their brains. We're people pleasers ("I's" are people pleasers as well) and like to make people happy. Something that REALLY got me was that it talked about S people having a really hard time saying no. Ooooh I have gotten myself into SOOO much trouble with things because I can't say no... Not even kidding.. I cannot accurately express to you the kinds of things that I've done because I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Actually, that promise I broke.. That had to do with me not being able to say no. It was a people pleasing thing. Because (It was Kohl, actually) he asked and asked and asked (probably because he could see through my lie.. It was pretty weak lol) and I didn't want to let him down. I dunno. I don't wanna use that as an excuse because what I did was wrong and I know it. Just thought it was an interesting concept, though.

Actually, to tell you the truth, I've noticed before that I can't say no. I've known forever that I'ma people pleaser. It's not hard to see.

The reason why I said I was a freak was that I could see more than just the S personality in myself. I mean, the majority of my personality is made up of "S" traits, but there's a lot of "I" traits as well, and I actually spotted a little "D" in me. Not much D though. I don't like to be a leader. I can stand being in the center of attention (an "I" trait), but I'm too afraid to mess things up when I lead. Anyway.. Yeah. It was cool.

Btw, when I started writing, I meant to express how much I appreciated my friends and the people around me. I don't think I do that enough. I spend too much time freaking out about Alex's faults and how much he doesn't understand. I should say a little here and there about the kind of person he is.. Really, he's a good person.. Oh.. Lol but I'm mad at him.. Oh yeah...... O.o Why am I mad at him? Is this me being a girl? Girls get mad so easliy..... Maybe I'm not mad at him.. I just have hostile feelings toward him. Anyway.. yeah. I'll have to do that another time, though, because family is here. Talk to you later!
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25 / F / In my own little...
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Posted 12/12/09
D:
If he does reply, and tries to keep arguing, I'm not going to forgive him D:<
He's made you feel really horrible and that's unacceptable :[
Isn't it enough that you htink about him so much and still feel guilty, even though it was unreasonable of him to even make you make that promise?

I mean really. It STILL really bugs me that he doesn't mind bragging about the other girls, but when it's you, he wants it to be all hush hush. That's the worst D:
But I dunno. I don't know the guy, I can't really understand him or what's going on in his head (lol it seems like NO ONE can =___=) but it seems to me that there are two options:
1. He really does love you. You know how in books and mangas and animes, guys want to... treasure the girl they love, and don't want to defile her. You know? Well this could be his way of trying to protect YOUR reputation too, I dunno. I have too much BV in me, so this idea keeps popping up =___=
2. He's a Jack Ass. Plain and simple.

@ the Book :: It looks interesting! It could be interesting to see what kind of personality I fit most O__O
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23 / F / What? Your mom di...
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Posted 12/12/09
@2 options:

Yeah I've considered that he could be in love with me still and trying to protect the reputation.. If he's not embarrassed about me, then the only other reason that I could think of for the hush hush thing is that he feels like he's taking advantage of me if he braggs. It makes sense.. I dunno though. I really hope that's the reason why.. because it would just ruin my mental image of him if he was just a jack ass. I look up to him. I always have. He's able to get things done and he has a strong air of confidence about him. He's really amazing... And, like all the other guys, he doesn't put up with people who are shallow.. Like, people who do things like ... Well, like lie.. Or break promises.....

Anyway.. Yeah he's really good at bringing my self confidence down... He's the one who gave me self confidence in the first place, though, so.... I dunno.

If he tries to argue that, then I'ma be pissed. It's time to drop it. He doesn't have to drop the feelings, just he needs to quit pushing the 'should feel guilty' thing on me...
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Posted 12/12/09
Breaking one promise doesn't make you all of a sudden shallow though!
It was one promise and it was only broken because you suck at lying and needed help.
In your situation you either would have had to lie or break a promise, so he was basically setting you up for that if that's what being shallow is D:

I dunno D:
Hopefully he doesn't think you're shallow. I mean, he's known you for a while and should know you pretty darn well if you guys were in love... He should be able to tell that you're not a shallow person and that you really are guilty and... all that stuff =w=

But meeehh, it's bad that he can bring your self confidence down so much D: Does he know he does that to you??
A teenager without self confidence, in this world, becomes socially inept and doesn't fair well in life D:
BE CONFIDENT IN YOURSELF MEG-CHAN D:
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23 / F / What? Your mom di...
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Posted 12/12/09
Lol <3

I don't think he knows how much his words affect my emotions..
If he does, then he's a cold, cruel person.
I have lotsa confidence =P.. Sorta.. lol Idk, I'm insecure and scared of the world, but that's just how I am. I can step up and have confidence when I need to. I think he makes it so hard for me cause of the "butter effect". Lol did you notice I quoted you in that last message to him? Anyway, it's pretty hard to stand up to him when I'm a puddle of melted fat. He SHOULD be able to tell, but I think he has it in his head that I'm just trying to make myself look better, though I have repeatedly said that I know it was wrong.
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