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why do people pretend to be someone else??
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Posted 1/21/10 , edited 1/21/10

sanitos wrote:

There are many levels to this question.

On an instinctual level, people are afraid to get rejected socially because we are wired to.

It's the reason why the number one fear people have is public speaking. We're wired with a protective mechanism dating thousands of years back.

Think back to a time when humans lived in tribes and villages. If you were rejected socially, you will die to natural forces. Humans have strength in numbers, if you were outcasted...you will not be able to survive very well. The people that survived all have this fear of rejection mechanism.

In modern times, this no longer applies, but we still have this genetic wiring to succumb to social/peer pressures and norms.



On a deeper psychological level, it protects our self-worth or self-esteem. If we're "acting" and get socially rejected, we can subconsciously tell ourselves, "It's ok, they don't know the real me...they rejected this stupid version I'm acting out."

For many reasons, people have developed unhealthy Ego's. Ego is a false confidence and comes from a superficial place. It is why a very hot girl can seem to be confident, but when you get to know her...you'll find that she's very insecure. It is because she based her self-esteem/worth on her looks. In this case, she has a high ego, but low self-esteem. To people that recognize her beauty, she will have power and confidence because she knows that she has high social value. However, when she's with a man that she likes, she becomes incredibly insecure because she opens herself up and puts her ego aside....leaving her low self-esteem to be active.


Everyone "acts" on some level...it's subconscious and we don't even realize it. More so when they're with someone with higher status. Ever been nervous at a job interview or gotten in trouble with the authorities...and find your behavior changing unconsciously?


Another common area is when a person "acts" is when they have an "agenda".

A guy doing all of these nice things for the girl he likes. He buys her flowers, candy, movies, dinner and treats her like a queen...dedicated to making her happy. But after a while into the relationship, when he knows that he has her. These things he does become less and less frequent.

Did he plan it in this case? No...he didn't have this plan in the beginning. All of this was subconscious, he doesn't even realize this. He just "felt like doing it" in the beginning and "didn't feel like doing it" later on.


From evolutionary psychology to modern psychology...and there are even more levels that can be explained. However, it is unnecessary.


There are 2 ways to become more genuine. 1 is to catch yourself in the act, pay attention to when you start acting and stop yourself.
2 is building your self-esteem on a intrinsic value instead of a superficial value. When you're being truly genuine, you will attract the right people and circumstances.


so can a person have a high self esteem with a low ego (false confidence)?
or do you mean to say that those who have genuine self-esteem has no ego at all?
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Posted 1/21/10
in my case ppl act different bcuz they dont want to be hated or feel alone i know i do that there's nothing wrong with it no one wants to feel alone
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Posted 1/21/10
Because they are soo insecure about themselves that they wish they were other people, rather than be their normal self, which is a very shameful thing as being different is being unique...people should stop trying to live up to standards created in their heads !
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Posted 1/21/10 , edited 1/21/10

garcon wrote:


sanitos wrote:

There are many levels to this question.

On an instinctual level, people are afraid to get rejected socially because we are wired to.

It's the reason why the number one fear people have is public speaking. We're wired with a protective mechanism dating thousands of years back.

Think back to a time when humans lived in tribes and villages. If you were rejected socially, you will die to natural forces. Humans have strength in numbers, if you were outcasted...you will not be able to survive very well. The people that survived all have this fear of rejection mechanism.

In modern times, this no longer applies, but we still have this genetic wiring to succumb to social/peer pressures and norms.



On a deeper psychological level, it protects our self-worth or self-esteem. If we're "acting" and get socially rejected, we can subconsciously tell ourselves, "It's ok, they don't know the real me...they rejected this stupid version I'm acting out."

For many reasons, people have developed unhealthy Ego's. Ego is a false confidence and comes from a superficial place. It is why a very hot girl can seem to be confident, but when you get to know her...you'll find that she's very insecure. It is because she based her self-esteem/worth on her looks. In this case, she has a high ego, but low self-esteem. To people that recognize her beauty, she will have power and confidence because she knows that she has high social value. However, when she's with a man that she likes, she becomes incredibly insecure because she opens herself up and puts her ego aside....leaving her low self-esteem to be active.


Everyone "acts" on some level...it's subconscious and we don't even realize it. More so when they're with someone with higher status. Ever been nervous at a job interview or gotten in trouble with the authorities...and find your behavior changing unconsciously?


Another common area is when a person "acts" is when they have an "agenda".

A guy doing all of these nice things for the girl he likes. He buys her flowers, candy, movies, dinner and treats her like a queen...dedicated to making her happy. But after a while into the relationship, when he knows that he has her. These things he does become less and less frequent.

Did he plan it in this case? No...he didn't have this plan in the beginning. All of this was subconscious, he doesn't even realize this. He just "felt like doing it" in the beginning and "didn't feel like doing it" later on.


From evolutionary psychology to modern psychology...and there are even more levels that can be explained. However, it is unnecessary.


There are 2 ways to become more genuine. 1 is to catch yourself in the act, pay attention to when you start acting and stop yourself.
2 is building your self-esteem on a intrinsic value instead of a superficial value. When you're being truly genuine, you will attract the right people and circumstances.


so can a person have a high self esteem with a low ego (false confidence)?
or do you mean to say that those who have genuine self-esteem has no ego at all?




I believe that you can have high self esteem with little ego. Ego is something that constantly comes up in our lives and we have to deal with it from situation to situation. Sometimes, we're not even consciously aware of it.

Building a strong self-esteem will naturally diminish your ego. There is a concept of "Intrinsic Value"....not a lot of people know what it is and how to utilize it. However, if you can find out how to become intrinsically valuable in your area of need, you will become incredibly successful. Being intrinsically valuable builds high esteem.

Another thing that builds self-esteem is courage. We all know what we ought to be doing or want. The more we want it...crave it, the more fear we will have of failing.

If a man is in a kindergarten, and you tell him to talk to a little girl. His job is to make her laugh and create a fun interaction...he will have no fear of trying.

If a man is in a night club with lots of beautiful women and you tell him to talk to one to them with the same mission. He will often be paralyzed in fear. His mind will come up with all sorts of ridiculous excuses so that he doesn't have to do it. "She's talking to her friends." "That guy is over there." "What if I get rejected and people laugh at me." etc..etc...While in the kindergarten and the little girl is playing with her friends (boys and girls), you will have no such fears.

Everything that we truly want is outside of our comfort zone...or we would already have it.

To step outside of this comfort zone, you need courage. It's feeling the fear and doing it anyways...no matter the outcome.

For example, if the man felt the fear, overcame it and approached a few women...got shot down a few times, but was able to have a few fun interactions...he will feel absolutely amazing by the end of the night.

His whole being will change through this internal change. His body will radiate this through subtle body language communications. He will have a natural smile, stand taller, speak with a clearer voice, become more creative and charming. Each successful interaction builds upon his previous. His state of being will become stronger and stronger, this will cause people to respond better and better to him. It's a snowball effect.

You can feel strong confidence from a person if they have it. It is because they are courageous and have proven to themselves time after time that they can overcome their fears to get what they want in life. This person will have a solid self-esteem.

The enemy to building self-esteem is this notion that people have called 'failure'. In nature, there is actually no such thing as failure. It's a human invented process. Here is the process:

Person wants a desired outcome -> tries to do something to get it -> did not get desired outcome -> recognizes as his failure

Life is an equation:

What you're doing + Variables = Result. (There are uncontrollable variables like environment or luck...but you can always find ways to work around that)

If the things your doing are not providing your desired result, you're not failing. You are simply getting a contingency. You just need to learn from them so that you can play around with the variables and change what you're doing to create your desired outcome in the end.

Recognizing this and having willpower will help eliminate the concept of failure from stopping you in your progress.
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Posted 1/21/10
They pretend so they can be liked!
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Posted 1/22/10
o.o i dont know..
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Posted 1/22/10 , edited 1/22/10
Just to act cool? Because they couldn't in real life.
They hiding from what they really are.
But i don't mind that -.-
If it makes me happy, and it makes you happy.

Seriously.

I Don't Care
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Posted 1/22/10 , edited 1/22/10

sanitos wrote:


garcon wrote:


sanitos wrote:

There are many levels to this question.

On an instinctual level, people are afraid to get rejected socially because we are wired to.

It's the reason why the number one fear people have is public speaking. We're wired with a protective mechanism dating thousands of years back.

Think back to a time when humans lived in tribes and villages. If you were rejected socially, you will die to natural forces. Humans have strength in numbers, if you were outcasted...you will not be able to survive very well. The people that survived all have this fear of rejection mechanism.

In modern times, this no longer applies, but we still have this genetic wiring to succumb to social/peer pressures and norms.



On a deeper psychological level, it protects our self-worth or self-esteem. If we're "acting" and get socially rejected, we can subconsciously tell ourselves, "It's ok, they don't know the real me...they rejected this stupid version I'm acting out."

For many reasons, people have developed unhealthy Ego's. Ego is a false confidence and comes from a superficial place. It is why a very hot girl can seem to be confident, but when you get to know her...you'll find that she's very insecure. It is because she based her self-esteem/worth on her looks. In this case, she has a high ego, but low self-esteem. To people that recognize her beauty, she will have power and confidence because she knows that she has high social value. However, when she's with a man that she likes, she becomes incredibly insecure because she opens herself up and puts her ego aside....leaving her low self-esteem to be active.


Everyone "acts" on some level...it's subconscious and we don't even realize it. More so when they're with someone with higher status. Ever been nervous at a job interview or gotten in trouble with the authorities...and find your behavior changing unconsciously?


Another common area is when a person "acts" is when they have an "agenda".

A guy doing all of these nice things for the girl he likes. He buys her flowers, candy, movies, dinner and treats her like a queen...dedicated to making her happy. But after a while into the relationship, when he knows that he has her. These things he does become less and less frequent.

Did he plan it in this case? No...he didn't have this plan in the beginning. All of this was subconscious, he doesn't even realize this. He just "felt like doing it" in the beginning and "didn't feel like doing it" later on.


From evolutionary psychology to modern psychology...and there are even more levels that can be explained. However, it is unnecessary.


There are 2 ways to become more genuine. 1 is to catch yourself in the act, pay attention to when you start acting and stop yourself.
2 is building your self-esteem on a intrinsic value instead of a superficial value. When you're being truly genuine, you will attract the right people and circumstances.


so can a person have a high self esteem with a low ego (false confidence)?
or do you mean to say that those who have genuine self-esteem has no ego at all?




I believe that you can have high self esteem with little ego. Ego is something that constantly comes up in our lives and we have to deal with it from situation to situation. Sometimes, we're not even consciously aware of it.

Building a strong self-esteem will naturally diminish your ego. There is a concept of "Intrinsic Value"....not a lot of people know what it is and how to utilize it. However, if you can find out how to become intrinsically valuable in your area of need, you will become incredibly successful. Being intrinsically valuable builds high esteem.

Another thing that builds self-esteem is courage. We all know what we ought to be doing or want. The more we want it...crave it, the more fear we will have of failing.

If a man is in a kindergarten, and you tell him to talk to a little girl. His job is to make her laugh and create a fun interaction...he will have no fear of trying.

If a man is in a night club with lots of beautiful women and you tell him to talk to one to them with the same mission. He will often be paralyzed in fear. His mind will come up with all sorts of ridiculous excuses so that he doesn't have to do it. "She's talking to her friends." "That guy is over there." "What if I get rejected and people laugh at me." etc..etc...While in the kindergarten and the little girl is playing with her friends (boys and girls), you will have no such fears.

Everything that we truly want is outside of our comfort zone...or we would already have it.

To step outside of this comfort zone, you need courage. It's feeling the fear and doing it anyways...no matter the outcome.

For example, if the man felt the fear, overcame it and approached a few women...got shot down a few times, but was able to have a few fun interactions...he will feel absolutely amazing by the end of the night.

His whole being will change through this internal change. His body will radiate this through subtle body language communications. He will have a natural smile, stand taller, speak with a clearer voice, become more creative and charming. Each successful interaction builds upon his previous. His state of being will become stronger and stronger, this will cause people to respond better and better to him. It's a snowball effect.

You can feel strong confidence from a person if they have it. It is because they are courageous and have proven to themselves time after time that they can overcome their fears to get what they want in life. This person will have a solid self-esteem.

The enemy to building self-esteem is this notion that people have called 'failure'. In nature, there is actually no such thing as failure. It's a human invented process. Here is the process:

Person wants a desired outcome -> tries to do something to get it -> did not get desired outcome -> recognizes as his failure

Life is an equation:

What you're doing + Variables = Result. (There are uncontrollable variables like environment or luck...but you can always find ways to work around that)

If the things your doing are not providing your desired result, you're not failing. You are simply getting a contingency. You just need to learn from them so that you can play around with the variables and change what you're doing to create your desired outcome in the end.

Recognizing this and having willpower will help eliminate the concept of failure from stopping you in your progress.


i don think that the ego is wholly false confidence (it's just once side of the coin)
---your ego makes you rationalize in a positive way (of course not all the time..like your given examples) ;
it serves to keep your face before people, and protect you from distresses. Plus, it helps you assess and refine yourself--
you learn how to assimilate and accomodate best through your ego..So for me, it shouldn't be discredited (fyi..im asian and we have to protect our faces before our family,friends and society or in short, the ego is important for our traditionalistic/collectivistic society to maintain harmony. It's not like we can be free in our society--we have tons of dont's and do's list..Our ego/asian psyche tells us to think of society before oneself.)

fyi..again, the EGO (false confidence) you are talking about is similar to Goleman's term of Voice of Judgment or VOJ. The VOJ can assume many different forms, depending on the indiv.person. The voice inside oneself is usually the most daunting, but there is also judgment of others, including cultural judgments such as the rules of proper behavior which forbid unconventional behaviour. Once it gets hold of us, our VOJ can lead us into a maze of negativity, including the following absurd situation: my VOJ inhibits me from doing something; then it makes me feel depressed about my weakness of will. Next, my VOJ condemns me harshly for being depressed.
Ex your VOJ tells you : who do you thing you are? you look like a jerk! or they'll think you are crazy!


thanks for sharing your insights!
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Posted 1/22/10
Maybe they don't want to be rejected so they try to show their best by pretending someone else to the person they really like. However, being yourself is the most important thing, because living in a lie can bring nothing good.
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Posted 1/22/10
Hmmm... sometimes I feel like more than just one person. I feel like I extend into different person. So when you meet me the first through eleventh time can all seem like a different person but they are not true and they are all not lies. Sometimes I'll feel more like a different person but holding back on it.
Posted 1/22/10
Because it's interesting that way, or they bored .
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Posted 1/23/10
it's because they don't know who they are and/or they don't know how to be themselves
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26 / M / Norway
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Posted 1/23/10
Because being yourself is outdated.
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Posted 1/23/10

Cyberpirate wrote:

Because being yourself is outdated.


I couldn't agree more with your answer. =]
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Posted 1/23/10

Symbiyos wrote:
I couldn't agree more with your answer. =]


Haha, being yourself can work though, but it won't in most cases
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