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Post Reply Morphyms
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22 / F / Canada
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Posted 1/11/10
Yeah it is really good, yeah there are a few grammatical errors her and there but it's still awesome!!!!
BTW I have started a story but can't post it yet (I need 500 cr points and it is hard to get them, especially at school )
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21 / F / what ever you DO...
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Posted 1/17/10 , edited 1/18/10
This is chap.1 try number 2! lol I didn't like the way chap1 started! so here is a new version. Yes this is short but I dont want to write huge things so its depressing to read^^XO

Alone in her house, again. her father was on a business trip. With no siblings to care for it was perfect.
It was only time she could be herself, and thank god for her it was a full moon.

She noiselessly walked out of her room from the sliding doors that lead her near the forest behind her house.
They lived in the middle of nowhere and had a huge forest right behind their mobile home.

Her pulse was racing and threatening to pound through her ribs. Her blood was rushing at a ridiculous speed through her veins.
She was now running so fast she though her legs were going to fall off. The forest was so near she could smell the mold under the rocks and she could here the nocturnal bugs buzzing through the trees.
It was time, she she walked deeper in the underbrush. She felt her spine curve and her neck growing longer and longer and separating. Her jaw outstretching letting razor sharp teeth pierce through her gums and between her already grown adult teeth. Fur grew all over her body. Her arms and legs grew wider ripping her pajamas.

She was a Cerberus. The most feared beast of all times. It was said that Hercules had to capture Cerberus alive without weapons and succeeded.
Cerberus had never died. It had been captured into a vase kept by Hades.
She IS the most feared monster of them all now. Shes unique. She transformed every moon phase. Into the most unimaginable monsters.
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Canada
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Posted 1/17/10
Hmm. Interesting. At the second paragraph you kinda lost me. That isn't good when you lose your readers. Next time be more specific when you write about this 'Inyri'. Also, improve the punctuation and look for grammar mistakes. So far it's alright.
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21 / F / what ever you DO...
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Posted 1/17/10 , edited 1/18/10
where did u get lost? nvm i see it I fixed it^^
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Canada
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Posted 1/18/10
-.- You still have an apostrophe missing.
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21 / F / what ever you DO...
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Posted 1/18/10
leave my apostrophes alojne and commment on the conten!
lmao <3
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Canada
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Posted 1/18/10

dattebayo_kawaii wrote:

leave my apostrophes alojne and commment on the conten!
lmao <3


*smirks* Constructive criticism Alex. The second best way to write a story that leaves a good impression is A+ vocabulary, grammar and punctation. If you don't do that, people don't take you seriously. I know that more than anyone. Let me prove it to you:

This is your message -


leave my apostrophes alojne and commment on the conten!
lmao <3


This is the correct message -


Leave my apostrophes alone and comment on the content!
lmao <3


Aren't those beautifully corrected spelling and grammar mistakes? *smirk widens* Burnage, Alex.
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27 / F / Turkey
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Posted 1/18/10



That is true, but instead of fixing her mistakes you should just tell her she has grammer errors... also you dont really comment on the content either Sakura, stories are not just words with grammer... Of all people you should know that.
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Canada
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Posted 1/19/10

elanra_moonlight wrote:




That is true, but instead of fixing her mistakes you should just tell her she has grammer errors... also you dont really comment on the content either Sakura, stories are not just words with grammer... Of all people you should know that.


:D *grins like a child* Don't worry, El. dattebaiyo_kawaii and I have been best friends for a while. We used to always comment on each others' stories and point out the good and bad stuff even though we used to suck. I'm just teasing her.
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21 / F / what ever you DO...
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Posted 1/19/10
yeps lol and I know it XP
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116 / my studio
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Posted 1/19/10
interesting story. cerberus huh? let me type that in google.
....
wikipedia said its a three headed dog. is she also three headed? the last part in the article says she has two pups. does she have two kids?
ok enough of that.

the plot is interesting. and you made a second chapter one. its good. but you can improve it more with better grammar. i can't say much about the story since its only chapter one (and its really short) but it stirred my interest. so yeah, that's all i can say it's interesting.
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21 / F / what ever you DO...
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Posted 1/19/10

lockkeyz wrote:

interesting story. cerberus huh? let me type that in google.
....
wikipedia said its a three headed dog. is she also three headed? the last part in the article says she has two pups. does she have two kids?
ok enough of that.

the plot is interesting. and you made a second chapter one. its good. but you can improve it more with better grammar. i can't say much about the story since its only chapter one (and its really short) but it stirred my interest. so yeah, that's all i can say it's interesting.


thanks^^ n yes she has three heads and no she doesnt have any kids^^ and I will write more dont worry I am also glad it had stirred your interest thats was the point ofg the story
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23 / F / YES
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Posted 1/26/10
:3


<3333333


Prologue~~~

Oooh. Intriguing. Echoes with loss, which is good because I want to find out what she's so angsty about. >D

The last line is !!!!! O__O !!!!!!!!!!!

I love short cliffhangers like that ha. <333



syntax mumbo jumbo



Chapter One~~~
(Version two, of course.)

You switched between past and present tense here and there, so be sure to watch that.

I must say, you have a knack for violent descriptions. Horror is definitely your genre. ;D

I like the idea of a giant three headed dog being imprisoned in a vase. It's a fun mental image.

more syntax




Overall, you have a very interesting concept, and you're quite good with getting the subliminal messages (loss in the prologue, horror in the second) across. However, your prose is sometimes hampered by grammatical errors. If you watch your syntax and punctuation, this would flow a lot better. :)


You've definitely got me hooked, though. Can't wait to see where this leads. ^___^
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21 / F / what ever you DO...
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Posted 1/26/10
THANKs so much for the great feedback I probably will rewrite it but in the mean time I just want to qet my wholes story down^^

ANd I think horror is my type tooXD I had so much fun writting her painful transformation hehehe im so evil aren't i?!
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23 / F / YES
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Posted 1/26/10
Welcome, love~

!!! D:
You don't need to rewrite all of it, although some parts could do with some slight tweaking.
Although it's good that you want to rewrite it. It's not often you see someone whose willing to write multiple drafts - heck, I usually don't. xD *too lazy*

You are evil.
Are you going to get really gory in later chapters? >D
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