First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
[NEW STORY] Classic Cliché
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 1/8/10 , edited 1/20/11
Erased
Writer
9900 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / M / Somewhere in Nowh...
Offline
Posted 1/9/10
Nice story so far . i like how you have described the characters. it makes it easier to picture what the characters look like. though there are a few grammar errors here and there.

Also, not sure if you meant to do so, but in the 3rd paragraph: "Although, no one did know me that well. I was an orphan. A seventeen year old orphan who gets (technically) home schooled in the orphanage she lives in.", you went from first person to third person. just wanted to point that out.

Its got a good plot, though this is just a suggestion since this might be just me. Maybe you can do something to identify the characters inner thoughts/monologue. I say this just cause her thoughts are in the same font as descriptions and actions or in between of actual lines. though it can be identified when she is talking to herself, maybe using asterisks or parentheses to make it easier to identify the thoughts from everything else.
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 1/9/10

bibble06 wrote:

Nice story so far . i like how you have described the characters. it makes it easier to picture what the characters look like. though there are a few grammar errors here and there.

Also, not sure if you meant to do so, but in the 3rd paragraph: "Although, no one did know me that well. I was an orphan. A seventeen year old orphan who gets (technically) home schooled in the orphanage she lives in.", you went from first person to third person. just wanted to point that out.

Its got a good plot, though this is just a suggestion since this might be just me. Maybe you can do something to identify the characters inner thoughts/monologue. I say this just cause her thoughts are in the same font as descriptions and actions or in between of actual lines. though it can be identified when she is talking to herself, maybe using asterisks or parentheses to make it easier to identify the thoughts from everything else.


Don't worry. I plan to. Especially for flashbacks it'll be in third person. But if this story comes out more successfully for me on a larger scale than I might have to permanently put it in third person but it depends. While I was writing fanfictions I practiced writing in third person. At first it was really hard but I've gotten so much better at it that it triumphs over my writing in first person. Although, every now and then I'll sub-consciously write things in first person although it's easier to describe and write in third person. Thanks for the feedback.
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 1/10/10 , edited 1/20/11
Erased
Group Leader
23306 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / Turkey
Offline
Posted 1/10/10
and you tell me, I am your role model??? Are you crazy??

I am noooowhere near this much of a talent Sakura! I just cant believe what i read just now... You have amazing descriptions, its SOOO easy to see everything with the mind's eye. You have such fiction which flows like a brilliant serene river I was drown in it!

You only have tiny little grammer mistakes here and there but who cares!

Absolutely amazing!

Dont ever take someone like me as a role model, i can only make you worse, it is me who should take you as a role model.

Excellent.

Perfect.

Magnificent.

Majesticly done!
Writer
636 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / F / Canada
Offline
Posted 1/11/10
Good going!!!! It seems good!!!!
But as me and another friend have told you before you should give her a girly name, otherwise she is toooooo guyish! Brennan seems like a very masculin name. It's like she WANTS to be a guy.
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 1/11/10

elanra_moonlight wrote:

and you tell me, I am your role model??? Are you crazy??

I am noooowhere near this much of a talent Sakura! I just cant believe what i read just now... You have amazing descriptions, its SOOO easy to see everything with the mind's eye. You have such fiction which flows like a brilliant serene river I was drown in it!

You only have tiny little grammer mistakes here and there but who cares!

Absolutely amazing!

Dont ever take someone like me as a role model, i can only make you worse, it is me who should take you as a role model.

Excellent.

Perfect.

Magnificent.

Majesticly done!


WHOA! Seriously? People at school used to criticize me, saying I put too much dialogue and didn't describe things enough. Sometimes that made me wanna quit. But I improved and I'm happy about it! Although, sometimes I worry that I didn't describe certain things enough so thank you world for the miracle of editing! Thanks, Ela-chan. I still like The Blue Light better. xD
Writer
145964 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
F / World Within the...
Offline
Posted 1/16/10 , edited 1/29/10
WOAH. This is one of the best stories I've read in.... YEARS. (granted that I don't read as much as I used to). When I reached the end of chapter 1 I was in despair at the MASSIVE cliffhanger that was for me. Luckily there was a chapter 2~ Now at the end of chapter two I STILL find it hard to wait for the next chapter.

What else to say... other than it's amazing.
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 1/16/10 , edited 1/30/10

Tsukoyomi wrote:

WOAH. This is one of the best stories I've read in.... YEARS. (granted that I don't read as much as I used to). When I reached the end of chapter 1 I was in despair at the MASSIVE cliffhanger that was for me. Luckily there was a chapter 2~ Now at the end of chapter two I STILL find it hard to wait for the next chapter.

What else to say... other than it's amazing.


I originally planned to write it in 2009 but I changed the date to 2010 'cuz that's what we are right nao! xD It was just chance. But yeah, when I went to downtown Vancouver for the first time with my family, I saw a guy pickpocket a university student's wallet in broad daylight! Not a nice place to be.
Writer
145964 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
F / World Within the...
Offline
Posted 1/16/10 , edited 1/29/10
if anyone does forum clean-ups, can you delete this post?
701 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
23 / F / YES
Offline
Posted 1/21/10 , edited 1/20/11
Sorry it took so long for me to do this.

Exams = fffffffff.

Hate.


But anyways now that I have some free-time I'll crit for you. =D
Or try to, at least.
GOD HOW CAN YOU WRITE SO MUCH? @___@ It's loooooooonggg.


Kay. Whatever. Chapter One - here I come~~~~~


Wait, what?
Fffff this reads like a manga.
That's probably what you intended but xD ?
Is he gay? Cause Bren never told him she was a chick and so he thought she was when they first met and he probably still does and ehhhh that makes the whole flirting thing kind of weird.




WHAAAT HES GOING TO ADOPT HER? if this is a love story then ahhhhh I don't know what to think of anymore. D:


YOU + END CHAPTER CLIFFHANGERS = VERY GOOD AT.


Ahaha. It's too late to read the second chapter now. Later, maybe.
God. This was long. I hope it makes sense. And that you found it helpful.



:3 :3 :3

<333

*hugs*
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 1/22/10 , edited 1/20/11
Toughening me up for the real world, eh? <3 I lurvez youze, Elfie. Good times, good times. xD
Group Leader
23306 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / Turkey
Offline
Posted 1/18/10 , edited 1/18/10
Forum Maintenance

Ignore This Post

Writer
6266 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
21 / F / what ever you DO...
Offline
Posted 1/17/10 , edited 2/4/10
It's really good. I like it but I think you spent a little too long explaining you were an orphan you know? And as me and another friend has told you I think she should have a more feminine name but try to pull off a more boyish nickname like Samantha and Sam you know cause Brennan sounds way too much like a boy name since she is already a tomboy.
Editor
2926 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada
Offline
Posted 1/22/10 , edited 2/4/10
I did some editing to the first chapter, faithful devoted readers. See if you can find anything significant.
First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.