Us, The Modern Alchemists
4129 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 1/10/10
(A bit that you can technically ignore.)



"Transmutation!"

"....

Is that your catchphrase or something? "

"Ehehe, its just habit."

A girl, with dark-red hair silently stepped through the grass, and passed the examiner. She left without a word, but left a masssive mark. No, seriously. The ground under her sunk in an instant, forming a brown landmark on the grass.

*sigh*

The examiner, placing pearl-white gloves on, touched the ground, as grass began to sprout from the ground, as if it never happened. This is how it works at our school, the school of Alchemy.

"Next!"

___________________________
___________________________

"Next, #7242 ~ 7251."

After waiting the the mid-winter climate outside, i was finally called into the white dome. the room was pitch black, but a warm stream of air flowed through the room. Shutters were closed to prevent anyone outside from seeing. Just as a few more people walked in, a spotlight revealed a well-dressed man in his 40s. He pushed up his glasses, and began to speak.

"Welcome to our entrance exams."

A blue-glowing grid appeared, covering everything in the room.

"By attending, you must all be aware of our entrance exam methods. To confirm, i will now demonstrate."

A desk was pushed into the room, next to the man.

'You will be given one object. Your assignment is....."

The man took off his glasses, and secured white gloves on his hand. He then tapped the desk, which was covered by the blue grid.

".... to disassemble this brass and bronze desk. Then, construct those into anything of your choosing..."

The desk glowed for a moment, and a cable and hook appeared in the man's hands.

"...like so. Please begin immediately. We will assess in 20 minutes."

The small lights above began to illuminate the room slowly. There was a moment's pause.

"*yawn* Time to get star--"

A boy, about the same size as me, pushed me over and headed for one of the 9 desks piled up in the middle of the circular room. People began to follow the kid's lead, and headed for the desks.

"A-are you okay?"

A girl, with dark-red hair that reached to her waist, stretched her arm out to help me up. I could see a bruise on my forehead through the reflection of her black eyes.

"Sorry, my brother really wants to pass. I keep telling him to be more polite."

She made a little bow, and walked to get started on the test. As I headed in a general direction, i found myself empty handed.

"....

Anyone know what happened to my desk?"

A few people stared for a moment, and continued with their own matters.

I cant believe that dude forgot to prepare another desk.....

Something tugged my shirt collar, making me turn behind. The same girl from before was there. I could now see that she was a bit shorter than me.

"I-i can share mine with you...if you want...."

"Really? Thanks, um....."

A small pause left us both looking like statues. The girl looked up for a moment.

"O-oh, sorry, I'm Misaki"

"Oh, I'm Daiki."
___________________________
___________________________

About 20 minutes passed since we started and.....

"Ugh... Were not going to finish at this rate!"

Turns out we both arent that good at this. It seemed so much easier in the pamphlet.

It seems all i can do is separate the desk into scrap metal, and Misaki seems to be struggling too. The test is about to end too.....

"The exam has ended, we will now assess your results."

Crap.....

The examiner began to walk around, to each person, until us. Misaki began to try even more as the examiner got closer.

"Where's your result?"

"U-um...one result, coming right up..."

If im going down, one more try wouldnt hurt.

My hand bumped into Misaki's, and the glow from the reforming desk revealed......

__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________
__________________________________

And this is the first way i set up the storyline. It looked better in my scribble notebook....(ToT) Just proves how putting ideas to the test is hard. lol.

This took forever to plan, but another way is like a battle royale-type thing. It would be where 12 alchemists with separate abilities (condensation, separation, calcination, etc.) fight against eachother in a semi-modern community. I wonder if that would be better.


Anyway, enough of that gibberish. What i need help with is more on the "opinion" side. Please answer seriously (unless its a serious answer with humor, thats okay too XD).

1. Is this too much detail about the background of the "world"? (i.o.w. Is it hard to follow the story's beginning?)

2. Are there better words to use? (i.e. fell -> stumbled )

3. Im going to weave a moral somewhat related to gaining courage or something. I tried to do that by showing the slight difference of character in Misaki in the first paragraph(which is technically in the future) and the latter paragraphs (in the present). Did you notice, or was it not clear-enough?

4. Although its got a small relation to alchemy, do you think the concept of "alchemy" is too overused? (Thus, should i change it to something like kotodama or exorcism or something?)

Additional advice appreciated. Also, thanks again for reading through (if you did :P)
You must be logged in to post.