Post Reply Untitled XD
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Posted 1/15/10
This is a kind of prologue to an idea I had. I don't know if it's any good, I find that something is missing, but I'm not sure what...so please help me out .

She scanned the crowd in front of her, they pointed and jeered. Only one didn't, a small boy; he only stared at her, tears running down his cheeks, their eyes met. His eyes were a bright blue and at that moment she almost felt calm. Then the torch was thrown, the flames licked at her feet and legs. Tears rolled down her face, it was agony, but she wouldn't scream, out of fear of scaring that little boy that she didn't even know. She coughed and coughed, everything blurred, her breathing slowed. She looked at the boy again, he smiled and then everything went dark.

The waves tossed her around; she was so cold it hurt, like millions of pins being slowly pushed into her body. When would help come? She looked around, there were people everywhere, they couldn't help her, they were in the same situation as her! She heard moaning behind her, she turned. It was a young boy, he had no life preserver and was fighting to stay alive, she grabbed him in his arms. Then without knowing why, she took off her own life preserver and put it on him. He looked at her his eyes, blue and teary, he hugged her. She now had to work to stay a float, her arms and legs were difficult to move and they ached. She felt herself tiring quickly, she said to the boy "Find something to hold on to, keep moving. When the boats come, scream so they'll find you...all right?" He nodded, she smiled and stopped fighting to stay above water, as she started to sink she stared at the boy, he smiled. Her lungs burned, she couldn't help it she tried to breathe, she knew it was over.

Over and over it happened, every night I relived the deaths of these women, I took their last breaths, felt their terror and pain. I learned their life story in a minute. During those "dreams" I was them. I didn't know why these dreams…well nightmares came to me. I didn't even know if they were real or if I had a very bizarre sub-conscious. Either way, questions plagued me: Who was the boy? Why did these women feel happy when they saw him? But the one that I asked myself the most was: He seemed to like these women, if he did, why did he smile right before they died? My eyes began to droop, my exhaustion was taking over, I fought to stay awake, I didn't want to "die" twice in one night. I wasn't strong enough and another one began.
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Posted 1/15/10
O_O WHOA
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Posted 1/16/10
Woah is right. Remarkably captivating... I like how it went straight from fire to water. Total contrast in elements, but similar in effects. The danger of both sides I guess ^^ (yeah, that was a random thought. Ignore it. It doesn't mean much xD)
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Posted 1/16/10
I didn't even realize I did that ! So you guys think it's good???
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Posted 1/16/10
yep~! I think it strengthens the visual imagery yet enforces the unity.... can't wait for the rest~

why's it "Untitled xD" by the way? did you not decide on a name, or is that actually the title? xD
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Posted 1/16/10
wow black_cat!

It is fantastic! I read it all in a single breath. Like Tsukoyomi said it is really really captivating.
The imagery was exceptional, pick of words were flawless, original and impressive fiction and as a prologue I must say it was a perfect cliff-hanger.

You got me... Please keep on writing this.


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Posted 1/17/10
omg omg omg! that was insanely incradible I loved it! its so captivating! The way it chnaged from one place to another confused me but i caught oon so it wa ok lol
anyways how amazing the descriptive deatail was hallucinating!
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Posted 1/17/10
OMG thanks everyone!!! No "Untitled XD" is not really the title I just couldn't think of anything I'll keep writing as soon as I can!
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Posted 1/18/10 , edited 1/20/10
NEVERMIND I FOUND IT. :D
Haha wow I really fail at navigating this site don't I ...


SO. ANYWAYS.


Okay. So the two different paragraphs are two different people dying in two different ways? Might want to clarify that, with paragraph breaks, a transition between the two, a connection, (heat turning into ice) something of the sort, instead of switching from one directly to the other... It would make things smoother, you know?

I really like how there's contrast between the two "dreams", and yet they draw parallels.

Is... this going to be one of those romantic stories about reincarnation and what not? Because if it is, you might want to change "woman" to "girl" or teenager or something of that sort. Because if you have "boy", it makes me think kid, as in little kid, and "woman" makes me think, well, woman and woman + boy = icky age difference.

Eeeee it's really good though~ ^___^
You write death in a good way. I know that sounds weird but it's a good thing. :3

I love how she doesn't scream by being burnt alive (that's what's happening, right? Salem and all that. Or at least, that's what I immediately thought when I read it. xD) because she doesn't want to scare the boy. (It's really sweet.)
And I also like how you wrote the drowning scene (for some reason it gets me thinking Titanic, although life preservers wouldn't help much there...)

Again, a logical transition between drowning and walking-up would make things flow a lot smoother. Perhaps throw in the disorientation of walking up to make the scene a bit more real? It's not quite as "strong" as the other two scenes, for lack of a better word. ^^;

I know prologues are supposed to be vague, but a little clarification here and there wouldn't hurt much. ;)

And wow I'm starting to ramble here.

Ahhh it's really intriguing. :3 I especially like the last couple of lines.

HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE? WILL SHE DIE AGAIN TO SAVE HIM? OR WILL HE DIE FOR HER? EHEHE. DRAMA. I CAN'T WAIT. :D

Write more soon plz kthnx~~

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Posted 1/18/10
Ok I totally get what you mean by claryfying everything (I would be confused too )

Yes it was a kind of Salem witch burning scene and it kinda was the Titanic...but not...anyway

You'll see about why they're women and why it's a small boy later on once in the story. I'll also correct the prologue a bit because I want to make it less confusing and I noticed a few things I screwed up!

I'll post more as soon as I can!!!
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Posted 1/20/10

elfyre wrote:

NEVERMIND I FOUND IT. :D
Haha wow I really fail at navigating this site don't I ...


SO. ANYWAYS.


Okay. So the two different paragraphs are two different people dying in two different ways? Might want to clarify that, with paragraph breaks, a transition between the two, a connection, (heat turning into ice) something of the sort, instead of switching from one directly to the other... It would make things smoother, you know?

I really like how there's contrast between the two "dreams", and yet they draw parallels.

Is... this going to be one of those romantic stories about reincarnation and what not? Because if it is, you might want to change "woman" to "girl" or teenager or something of that sort. Because if you have "boy", it makes me think kid, as in little kid, and "woman" makes me think, well, woman and woman + boy = icky age difference.

Eeeee it's really good though~ ^___^
You write death in a good way. I know that sounds weird but it's a good thing. :3

I love how she doesn't scream by being burnt alive (that's what's happening, right? Salem and all that. Or at least, that's what I immediately thought when I read it. xD) because she doesn't want to scare the boy. (It's really sweet.)
And I also like how you wrote the drowning scene (for some reason it gets me thinking Titanic, although life preservers wouldn't help much there...)

Again, a logical transition between drowning and walking-up would make things flow a lot smoother. Perhaps throw in the disorientation of walking up to make the scene a bit more real? It's not quite as "strong" as the other two scenes, for lack of a better word. ^^;

I know prologues are supposed to be vague, but a little clarification here and there wouldn't hurt much. ;)

And wow I'm starting to ramble here.

Ahhh it's really intriguing. :3 I especially like the last couple of lines.

HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE? WILL SHE DIE AGAIN TO SAVE HIM? OR WILL HE DIE FOR HER? EHEHE. DRAMA. I CAN'T WAIT. :D

Write more soon plz kthnx~~





This is an excellent review. Thank you elfyre for this.


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