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Posted 7/15/10 , edited 8/2/10

Chapter 25

Sayoko Vs Pifa


Chapter 26

Quiet Move


Chapter 27

A visit in a Yakuza Mansion









































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Posted 8/3/10
I've read through about chapters 3-6. I can see that you are definitely sticking to an unedited Manga Format. It's very sloppy but generally that is okay because Manga's don't need to be edited until their final proof. Some of the various different character interactions feel very weak, and not extremely deep. You tend to play on a lot of different cliche's which is not horrible because many manga and anime writers use these various cliches just don't get stuck on using them all the time because they can get boring. Almost all the chapters tend to be banter between the various characters with light mention of actions happening in the back ground which is absolutely why you should stick to working with a Manga Artist. Reading this as what it is it's very gray and unstimulated but to a Manga artist they can find the scenery in it. So get it drawn up.

However I'm more of a story oriented guy, If I was merely focusing on my tastes I would say go back rewrite all the characters, all the plot conveniences, make the situations more believable, add more to the dialogue, allow the background to intervene with dialogue, and walk away from the back to back banter between characters because it does get repetitive. This story could use an overhaul on actual writing, but if you stick to simple Manga writing, then you are very much in the clear to keep on writing. I would just suggest, try adding more background description and action, and make your characters really come to life. Add realism, more deep conflict, and emotional versus logical dispositions.
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Posted 8/3/10

Rezzy64 wrote:

I've read through about chapters 3-6. I can see that you are definitely sticking to an unedited Manga Format. It's very sloppy but generally that is okay because Manga's don't need to be edited until their final proof. Some of the various different character interactions feel very weak, and not extremely deep. You tend to play on a lot of different cliche's which is not horrible because many manga and anime writers use these various cliches just don't get stuck on using them all the time because they can get boring. Almost all the chapters tend to be banter between the various characters with light mention of actions happening in the back ground which is absolutely why you should stick to working with a Manga Artist. Reading this as what it is it's very gray and unstimulated but to a Manga artist they can find the scenery in it. So get it drawn up.

However I'm more of a story oriented guy, If I was merely focusing on my tastes I would say go back rewrite all the characters, all the plot conveniences, make the situations more believable, add more to the dialogue, allow the background to intervene with dialogue, and walk away from the back to back banter between characters because it does get repetitive. This story could use an overhaul on actual writing, but if you stick to simple Manga writing, then you are very much in the clear to keep on writing. I would just suggest, try adding more background description and action, and make your characters really come to life. Add realism, more deep conflict, and emotional versus logical dispositions.


Thanks for the review. I feel relieve to know some critics on my work. I know that I'm not too good in explaining and story telling specially in this one because I'm writing it as a script. Honestly speaking it was convenient to me to write in this style but I guess it doesn't work like that to the readers (If there are except you and reiji). I guess you're right. Maybe I'll add more description on their actions and emotions. I'm thinking right now if I would stop writing it in script and make it into a normal story telling but the thing is it might took me more time to finish one chapter in that way.
I don't really have someone to draw it. Even reiji just volunteered to draw the first 3 chapter. If it would be draw into a manga it would probably takes 10 years or so.
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Posted 8/3/10

blckfox7 wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:

I've read through about chapters 3-6. I can see that you are definitely sticking to an unedited Manga Format. It's very sloppy but generally that is okay because Manga's don't need to be edited until their final proof. Some of the various different character interactions feel very weak, and not extremely deep. You tend to play on a lot of different cliche's which is not horrible because many manga and anime writers use these various cliches just don't get stuck on using them all the time because they can get boring. Almost all the chapters tend to be banter between the various characters with light mention of actions happening in the back ground which is absolutely why you should stick to working with a Manga Artist. Reading this as what it is it's very gray and unstimulated but to a Manga artist they can find the scenery in it. So get it drawn up.

However I'm more of a story oriented guy, If I was merely focusing on my tastes I would say go back rewrite all the characters, all the plot conveniences, make the situations more believable, add more to the dialogue, allow the background to intervene with dialogue, and walk away from the back to back banter between characters because it does get repetitive. This story could use an overhaul on actual writing, but if you stick to simple Manga writing, then you are very much in the clear to keep on writing. I would just suggest, try adding more background description and action, and make your characters really come to life. Add realism, more deep conflict, and emotional versus logical dispositions.


Thanks for the review. I feel relieve to know some critics on my work. I know that I'm not too good in explaining and story telling specially in this one because I'm writing it as a script. Honestly speaking it was convenient to me to write in this style but I guess it doesn't work like that to the readers (If there are except you and reiji). I guess you're right. Maybe I'll add more description on their actions and emotions. I'm thinking right now if I would stop writing it in script and make it into a normal story telling but the thing is it might took me more time to finish one chapter in that way.
I don't really have someone to draw it. Even reiji just volunteered to draw the first 3 chapter. If it would be draw into a manga it would probably takes 10 years or so.


I doubt the approximation on ten years.
If you care to look I have written a few stories on here most of them are in a script format that allows you to have a full visualization on what is going on in the background and scenery. I bet if you fleshed out some of your characters a bit more it could be way fantastic. Come up with some dead set plot structures to really get the ball going and such.
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Posted 8/4/10

Rezzy64 wrote:



I doubt the approximation on ten years.
If you care to look I have written a few stories on here most of them are in a script format that allows you to have a full visualization on what is going on in the background and scenery. I bet if you fleshed out some of your characters a bit more it could be way fantastic. Come up with some dead set plot structures to really get the ball going and such.


Well I actually added another plot in the late chapters besides on making girls fall in love. It was featured in the last arc. It would lead into slow appearances of the villains. I'm not in a hurry in this plot to continue the romance. I would just add actions and suspense time to time.
I'll take a look in your works. Thanks for the advice.
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Posted 8/4/10

blckfox7 wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:



I doubt the approximation on ten years.
If you care to look I have written a few stories on here most of them are in a script format that allows you to have a full visualization on what is going on in the background and scenery. I bet if you fleshed out some of your characters a bit more it could be way fantastic. Come up with some dead set plot structures to really get the ball going and such.


Well I actually added another plot in the late chapters besides on making girls fall in love. It was featured in the last arc. It would lead into slow appearances of the villains. I'm not in a hurry in this plot to continue the romance. I would just add actions and suspense time to time.
I'll take a look in your works. Thanks for the advice.


Oh well okay then I guess I should probably look into the newer episodes then. Also I'm not trying to be a show off or nothing, I just want to show you some other styles of writing that I've done that you might want to try with your writing. That's all.
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Posted 8/5/10 , edited 8/5/10

Rezzy64 wrote:


Oh well okay then I guess I should probably look into the newer episodes then. Also I'm not trying to be a show off or nothing, I just want to show you some other styles of writing that I've done that you might want to try with your writing. That's all.


I'm not thinking like that. It's a good thing I can have some references. I just don't know if you can relate in the story if you suddenly jump off to the newer chapters.
I already looked at your works like the redeemer of the ancients and kids of the myst. I can say that it's good and the style is a normal story telling already like a novel. I'm wondering if I would make my work the same format like yours but it would mean I have to re-edit the 27 chapters.
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Posted 8/5/10

blckfox7 wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


Oh well okay then I guess I should probably look into the newer episodes then. Also I'm not trying to be a show off or nothing, I just want to show you some other styles of writing that I've done that you might want to try with your writing. That's all.


I'm not thinking like that. It's a good thing I can have some references. I just don't know if you can relate in the story if you suddenly jump off to the newer chapters.
I already looked at your works like the redeemer of the ancients and kids of the myst. I can say that it's good and the style is a normal story telling already like a novel. I'm wondering if I would make my work the same format like yours but it would mean I have to re-edit the 27 chapters.


Oh ha ha, don't worry about it like that. You know what you could do is make a bonus chapter that is like a side story for yours and just try the formatting a bit differently just to see what it's like. Also I think I have some stuff that is slightly more script format. I'll have to look through my collection and see if I have any. Or if I get really bored I could just write up a random story in the best script format I can come up with.
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Posted 8/6/10

Rezzy64 wrote:


Oh ha ha, don't worry about it like that. You know what you could do is make a bonus chapter that is like a side story for yours and just try the formatting a bit differently just to see what it's like. Also I think I have some stuff that is slightly more script format. I'll have to look through my collection and see if I have any. Or if I get really bored I could just write up a random story in the best script format I can come up with.


I'll try to change my format a little but for now I can't make a side story. I would just continue my work in a different style.
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Posted 8/6/10

blckfox7 wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


Oh ha ha, don't worry about it like that. You know what you could do is make a bonus chapter that is like a side story for yours and just try the formatting a bit differently just to see what it's like. Also I think I have some stuff that is slightly more script format. I'll have to look through my collection and see if I have any. Or if I get really bored I could just write up a random story in the best script format I can come up with.


I'll try to change my format a little but for now I can't make a side story. I would just continue my work in a different style.


Oh okay, well if it doesn't work out for you then just do what you got to do then I guess.
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Posted 8/8/10

Rezzy64 wrote:


Oh okay, well if it doesn't work out for you then just do what you got to do then I guess.


Thanks for your reviews and advice. i will always remember it.
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Posted 8/8/10

blckfox7 wrote:


Rezzy64 wrote:


Oh okay, well if it doesn't work out for you then just do what you got to do then I guess.


Thanks for your reviews and advice. i will always remember it.


Ha ha alright good luck.
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Posted 8/10/10
It would probably take a long time for me to update. I'm kinda busy right now in studying. I'm really sorry but I would try my best to post the next chapter.
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