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26 / M
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Posted 4/9/10

dreamwalker79 wrote:


unLUCKeCHARMS wrote:

Well, here's another poem a recently wrote and tried to make not scary, lol

Used
The flame started dancing on the first click,
as wretched mouth inhales, and breaths out smoke.
Though throat is cracked, not very slick,
he has done this enough, forgotten how to choke.
Used.
Weary, teary, bloodshot blue eyes,
stare at nothing from below a cap.
A tame dog, trained from many lies,
sits with the troubles of his world in his lap.
Empty.
In a dark alley, off a long dead street,
where you can drink yourself to death in peace,
and avoid those you don't wish to meet,
where all the noises of life seem to cease.
Wait.
Then the wind whips hard through the land,
against it, the torn over coat does nothing.
The man is too tired, he cannot stand,
and instead warms up with alcoholic stuffing.
Vodka.
But wait, the cheap flask is slapped away hard,
the cigarette crushed under heel.
A worried voice shouts "You f*ckin tard!"
mixed with a glare of steel.
Anger.
"I thought that i might find you here.
Look at you, all dressed like a bum!"
The man feels more disappointment then fear
wondering, "Why is she here? Why did she come?"
Love.
Slender arms help him to his feet, she supports.
"Why didn't you tell me you hated your job?
We've known each other since we used to build forts,
I'd love you even if you were a penniless slob.
Forgive.
"I'm sorry..." he mumbles as his gruff cheek is kissed.
"It's okay," she smiles, "Now lets get ourselves home."
For even when life shows a man what he's missed,
as long as there's love, he's never really alone.
Fin.

Well, any better?


That's actually pretty good really


Why thank you. Anything that could be improved? Did you see the second meanings i tried to weave into some of the lines?
1435 cr points
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37 / M / Cali, in the year...
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Posted 4/18/10

unLUCKeCHARMS wrote:


dreamwalker79 wrote:


unLUCKeCHARMS wrote:

Well, here's another poem a recently wrote and tried to make not scary, lol

Used
The flame started dancing on the first click,
as wretched mouth inhales, and breaths out smoke.
Though throat is cracked, not very slick,
he has done this enough, forgotten how to choke.
Used.
Weary, teary, bloodshot blue eyes,
stare at nothing from below a cap.
A tame dog, trained from many lies,
sits with the troubles of his world in his lap.
Empty.
In a dark alley, off a long dead street,
where you can drink yourself to death in peace,
and avoid those you don't wish to meet,
where all the noises of life seem to cease.
Wait.
Then the wind whips hard through the land,
against it, the torn over coat does nothing.
The man is too tired, he cannot stand,
and instead warms up with alcoholic stuffing.
Vodka.
But wait, the cheap flask is slapped away hard,
the cigarette crushed under heel.
A worried voice shouts "You f*ckin tard!"
mixed with a glare of steel.
Anger.
"I thought that i might find you here.
Look at you, all dressed like a bum!"
The man feels more disappointment then fear
wondering, "Why is she here? Why did she come?"
Love.
Slender arms help him to his feet, she supports.
"Why didn't you tell me you hated your job?
We've known each other since we used to build forts,
I'd love you even if you were a penniless slob.
Forgive.
"I'm sorry..." he mumbles as his gruff cheek is kissed.
"It's okay," she smiles, "Now lets get ourselves home."
For even when life shows a man what he's missed,
as long as there's love, he's never really alone.
Fin.

Well, any better?


That's actually pretty good really


Why thank you. Anything that could be improved? Did you see the second meanings i tried to weave into some of the lines?


Okay, I'd say you'd need to space between every event (like, "Love", "Vodka" etc.) because it does look a bit run on
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25 / F
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Posted 4/26/10
Hino-haroko; lovely poem ^^ Within your words you were able to capture the essence of passion; the intense emotion between two people... part of me wants to define it as "young love", and not to belittle it. Just sorta the image I get.

unLUCKeCHARM; "The Fog Girl" - loved that one o.o Especially your mention of Marie Laveau & the imagery was entrancing.
Favorite line:

As the silent music ends
with the rising of the sun
Posted 5/6/10 , edited 5/7/10
Untitled

Lying listless on the Earth's carpet,
Her hair washed in her red zestful flow
Eyes gazing high, fused with the grey clouds
Alone in a vast field; the wind being her only company.
Her final words is but a gasp of air.


© mystic17


edit: Not really about my life, but it goes on in the world about everyday & I see it on the news if that counts
344 cr points
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20 / M / wouldnt you like...
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Posted 7/14/10
Beautiful all the guys say my hair flows and shines in the sun but I'm alone in this world
Evolving into something dark i sit here typing away
At the once bright computer screen and I'm here to say
Up is not the way I'm going I'm going down to the depths of the earth
Tighter it gets and harder to breath
You saved me from my ever-lasting loneliness and now i shall belong to thee
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