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25 / F / In Your Dreams, B...
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Posted 5/8/10


That sounds cool!
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Posted 5/25/10
it was rainy night in a forest a young girl was walking along a path. when she heard a noise behind her, she turned around and yelled "who's there, come out." a man walked out and grinned at her. she glared at the man. the man laughed and said "looks like I found the young princess Hotaru". Hotaru frowns and got into a fighting stance. "well I won't let you take me back "said Hotaru. the man charged at her and she did a flip and then attacked him with a kick to his side. he winced and then sent a punch at her, she blocked it and kicked him in the stomach hard, knocking the breath out of him. while he tried to recover she did a hand stand and kicked out with her feet right at his head, sending him into a tree and knocking him out. she fliped back to her feet and smiled.


"will I had no idea that a princess could fight like that" said a young man who walked out behind a tree. Hotaru turned and looked at him and said "of course not, I learned in secert". the man laughed, while Hotaru stared at him trying to read him. the man shook his head and said "I mean you no harm Princess". Hotaru nodded and said "I am sure you don't". the man smiled and bowed and turned and left but stopped and said "I think we will meet again Princess". before Hotaru could say anything the man had disappeared from view.
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 5/26/10
Okay, now we do this PROPERLY.

To start... I think you need to lengethen some of your sentences, and maybe more punctuation? It's so... monotonous... otherwise, I think you're okay. Sorry that I had to delete you (I'm blaming Blitz's lack of procedure).
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Posted 5/26/10


The tree's spwn people! (Both of the guys appeared from behind tree's XD) um, its OK, the fight scene was, well thats not terribly important, im one of the only few who actually like writing fight scenes XD and there where a few typos, though I am not one to talk (you will figure out what I mean if you end up joning the group XD) as for more punctuation, yea maybe add some more flavor to it, like the princess or the guy who saw her fight, neither of them seemed to be surprised at all.
Over all, I liked it, it was good and after writing for a bit in CAS I think you should fit in rather well.
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Posted 5/26/10

ShadowInTheNight wrote:

Okay, now we do this PROPERLY.

To start... I think you need to lengethen some of your sentences, and maybe more punctuation? It's so... monotonous... otherwise, I think you're okay. Sorry that I had to delete you (I'm blaming Blitz's lack of procedure).



yea, I think it's good, I try to write more when i can think of what to write, that just popped into my head so i wrote it.
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Posted 5/26/10

Imagination-Enigma wrote:







The tree's spwn people! (Both of the guys appeared from behind tree's XD) um, its OK, the fight scene was, well thats not terribly important, im one of the only few who actually like writing fight scenes XD and there where a few typos, though I am not one to talk (you will figure out what I mean if you end up joning the group XD) as for more punctuation, yea maybe add some more flavor to it, like the princess or the guy who saw her fight, neither of them seemed to be surprised at all.
Over all, I liked it, it was good and after writing for a bit in CAS I think you should fit in rather well.



lol, I am not good with fighting,lol. I am working on details and stuff, i am an okay speller.
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 5/26/10

Mitsuki_Koyama wrote:


ShadowInTheNight wrote:

Okay, now we do this PROPERLY.

To start... I think you need to lengethen some of your sentences, and maybe more punctuation? It's so... monotonous... otherwise, I think you're okay. Sorry that I had to delete you (I'm blaming Blitz's lack of procedure).



yea, I think it's good, I try to write more when i can think of what to write, that just popped into my head so i wrote it.


I think you'll adapt and improve, but I think you should also describe your characters more. Can I ask you to do a little editing, repost it, and describe the surrounding more, and emotions and looks. Like 'he raised a dark hand to parry the blow' or something. Just little details can make it so much better.
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Posted 5/26/10

ShadowInTheNight wrote:


Mitsuki_Koyama wrote:


ShadowInTheNight wrote:

Okay, now we do this PROPERLY.

To start... I think you need to lengethen some of your sentences, and maybe more punctuation? It's so... monotonous... otherwise, I think you're okay. Sorry that I had to delete you (I'm blaming Blitz's lack of procedure).



yea, I think it's good, I try to write more when i can think of what to write, that just popped into my head so i wrote it.


I think you'll adapt and improve, but I think you should also describe your characters more. Can I ask you to do a little editing, repost it, and describe the surrounding more, and emotions and looks. Like 'he raised a dark hand to parry the blow' or something. Just little details can make it so much better.



yea, i guess, I would have describe the girl but i am not sure what she looks like. so i couldn't write that much detail about her.
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 5/26/10

Mitsuki_Koyama wrote:


ShadowInTheNight wrote:


Mitsuki_Koyama wrote:


ShadowInTheNight wrote:

Okay, now we do this PROPERLY.

To start... I think you need to lengethen some of your sentences, and maybe more punctuation? It's so... monotonous... otherwise, I think you're okay. Sorry that I had to delete you (I'm blaming Blitz's lack of procedure).



yea, I think it's good, I try to write more when i can think of what to write, that just popped into my head so i wrote it.


I think you'll adapt and improve, but I think you should also describe your characters more. Can I ask you to do a little editing, repost it, and describe the surrounding more, and emotions and looks. Like 'he raised a dark hand to parry the blow' or something. Just little details can make it so much better.



yea, i guess, I would have describe the girl but i am not sure what she looks like. so i couldn't write that much detail about her.


Find a picture or something. In the group, you'll need to make a full profile. This doesn't have to be your character there; just make something up.
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Posted 5/26/10
it was rainy night in a muggy forest a young girl with mid-long hair was walking along a path. when she heard a noise behind her, she turned around and yelled "who's there, come out." a man walked out and grinned at her. she glared at the man. the man laughed and said "looks like I found the young princess Hotaru". Hotaru frowns and got into a fighting stance. "well I won't let you take me back "said Hotaru. the man charged at her and she did a flip and then attacked him with her left foot to his side. he winced and then sent a punch at her, she blocked it with her hands and kicked him in the stomach hard, knocking the breath out of him. while he tried to recover she did a hand stand and kicked out with her feet right at his head, sending him into a tree and knocking him out. she fliped back to her feet and smiled.


"well I had no idea that a princess could fight like that" said a young man who walked out behind a tree with dark eyes staring at her. Hotaru turned and looked at him and said "of course not, I learned in secert". the man laughed, while Hotaru stared at him trying to read him. the man shook his head and said "I mean you no harm Princess". Hotaru nodded and said "I am sure you don't". the man smiled and bowed and turned to leave but stopped and said "I think we will meet again Princess". before Hotaru could say anything the man had disappeared from view.

( hope this is better)
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Posted 5/26/10

ShadowInTheNight wrote:






Find a picture or something. In the group, you'll need to make a full profile. This doesn't have to be your character there; just make something up.


well, I already did that before u deleted me, that's her, just abit different.

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Posted 5/26/10
yea its better, and Shadow, she already made an entire profile (When blitz invited her in to the group without discussion) anyways, I like this one more than the first, and like I said, I think the rough edges will eventually work them selves out when she joins the gorup, they did for me and a other writers
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 5/26/10
I was just about to say that she'd work out okay and invite her... Mitsuki, you are getting an invite.
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23 / F / Charlotte
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Posted 5/26/10


Kimberlee stepped up, bringing one foot after the other, waiting to enter the double doors. The rain was bearing down on his shoulders, especially his shoulders. Bringing a hand up while the other was rested on the edge of his pocket, he pushed the doors open and stepped inside. Men and women from within the restuarant looked over back at him but he didn't mind it didn't bother him oen bit.
"Welcome." The bartender spoke once and thats all he expected him to say again. Quiet not as he trudged over to the counter, he dumped himself properly over onto a seat as the male beside him curled up his nose in disgust. Kimberlee ignored that too. The rain from inside sounded like drums and then his attention was taken. The group of germans on his left were begining. A hefty woman pigtails, blond luscious hair cureved around her body held the violin in her hands andbegan to play, signalling for her young daughters to start their little dance.
"Dang Gone Women." Kimberlee turned hish ead to the man at the end of the counter, the drunk had vie empty bottle hung on the side some tipped over but he majority musty and empty. His break could reach around and knock out a strong circus russian. A heavy drink slammed down in front of a slender woman on the other side of the counter.
"What would you like honey?" The bartender inquired. She pulled one leg from over the other, pulling the dominated over the dominator. And curled her lips into a smile.
"I came looking for a hot mess little boy... you seen him?" Her thin little fingers reached into her pockets and placed a nice old picture up on the table. The bartender finished cleaning the jug, and leaned down to have look and the moment he looked down... Her hand gripped onto a short knife and ripped it out of its sheath, stabbing it into the back of his neck. A brawl broke out, music stopped tables and chairs fell over and she was the main target. But none of them stood a chance against her nagasaki skills...
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100 / M / The world inside...
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Posted 5/26/10


Im kind of confused as to what happened, but im sure I just didn't read it close enough...
Um this is? what time period? ours is fantasy and also um, we don't have Germans or Russians, im sure you where just writing whatever for the application process but yea XD just wondering IF you know that

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