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Arranged Marriage
Posted 11/26/10
Would you be okay with an arrange marriage...?

A buddy of mine for years has been called a screw up by his parents. They have been on his case recently about getting married or possibly being disowned and disinherited. Does he listen, make them finally happy and marry this girl which by the way is 3 years older (he's 22 and she's 25), or should he face the consequences? The marriage takes place in two weeks and the plane tickets are bought. He is Punjabi but barely speaks being raised in Canada and she's from India that barely speaks English. What would you guys do in this situation or what would you advise?
Posted 11/26/10
Okay with it? Hell no. To me it's pretty much insane for a person to marry another just because the families have arrangements for them. There's no love or whatever sort in the marriage, how are you suppose to 'love' the person for your entire life? Definitely not my cup of tea. I'll definitely not agree to it if I have to face that kind of situation.
Posted 11/26/10
Eh, who am I to say it wont?

They might hit it off.
And this might be normal in their culture.

I'm guessing it would work out pretty well, since if he gets pissed, he can just tell the girls dad he's gonna divorce her, and the father will stone her to death.
Nice, quick, and clean.

Gj, bro.
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Posted 11/26/10
hes 22 he can make decisions for himself.
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no where.
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Posted 11/26/10 , edited 11/26/10
Well, I know this one girl who is in an arranged marriage.
She was crying, and it was either she married the first man or moved to another. I know its their culture but doesn't she have a right to find true love? But, seeing that it is their culture and that they have done it for years who are we to try and stop it? He should try to at least give her a chance, and if he doesn't like her. Well as the man said above. He can make his own decisions.
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Posted 11/26/10
I won't start by stating that "arranged marriage never works", because truthfully, I think it works better as long as the social conditions work for it. However, an arranged marriage between two people from two very different cultures, such as Canada and India, will never work.
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Posted 11/26/10
no I won't... =.=,, if my parents wud force me, I'll ran away instead.... but I shud meet the guy first and if I liked him then I'll go with it I guess... XD
It's up to you if u like it or not or if you'll do it or not..
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Posted 11/26/10
if the girl is hot then.....
tinnic 
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Posted 11/26/10
It's not really all that cut and dry. I mean, its easy to go "phew, phew arranged marriage is evil! Love marriage is the only way to go!" But if that were true, the divorce rate in the western countries would be a lot lower.

So you have to look at this objectively and draw the distinction between "forced marriage" and "arranged marriage". Forced marriage, which is what many in the west think of when they think arranged marriage, is when the bride and/or groom, doesn't have a say in who they marry. Believe it or not, this is not the case for most arranged marriage. In most arranged marriages the family acts as an intermediary between the potential bride and groom. Much like a dating website, a marriage broker (they can be professional or a family or friend) bring a profile of the potential suitors to, usually, the brides parents. The bride, along with her parents, looks through the profiles and chooses potential grooms who are of interest. The bride and groom then meet, are given opportunities to get to know each other. Even go on dates. If they get along, they go back to their parents and say "Okay!" and then the families come together and finalise the details and arrange the marriage. That's how it works in my social circle and I fully acknowledge that its not the same everywhere, which is another thing that people have to remember. Arranged marriage isn't the same everywhere. Its different based on region, social class, education level and so many other things. But there are benefits in the process,

1. Understanding that this is all going to lead to marriage/long term commitment - how many of you have dated someone thinking they too wanted something serious, only to discover they just wanted to have a fling?

2. Vetting - as I said, the introductory phase of an arranged marriage is a bit like picking a profile off a dating site. However, in this case the profile is usually vetted and if you have a good intermediary, they will keep your best interests at heart, as well as the other person.

3. Health checks - like seriously, are you comfortable asking your date if they have AIDS or some other STD or contagious disease? Of course not! Now you would hope that if you relationship gets serious then your partner would fess-up about any health problems. Doesn't always happen. But sometime during the process both families can demand that they potential bride and groom be medically tested to ensure they are both in good health.

4. Finances - most marriage actually break-up due to financial woe despite marriage vows include "for richer or for poorer". More importantly, money is not something people are comfortable talking about in dates. But during the arrangement process its much easier.


I guess what I am saying is that what people fail to realise that its a whole damn process and not just your family turning-up one day and going, hey look - tomorrow you will be marrying girl x/boy y. I am not saying that doesn't happen but those situation are not as common as people think. I mean think about it, forget about the person who is reluctant, why would any self respecting parent part with their son or daughter with a person who is reluctant to enter into a relationship?

As for the lack of "love" that usually get's brought-up in this sort of discussion, as I said, there is a meet and get to know period. I personally think that people are more truthful during the arranged marriage "meet and get to know period" then they are on the dating scene BECAUSE they know from the onset that this is heading toward marriage. If you meet someone and there is zero chemistry, it's time to move on to the next person on the list. But if you DO have chemistry, time to proceed. If you think about it, it's not very different from dating.


Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to sell arranged marriage to anyone. It's not simple, depends a lot on attitude, culture and commitment from all parties to make the thing work. I am just saying that you shouldn't just "phew, phew" and assume you know what arranged marriage is. You don't! Even I don't know how arranged marriage works in every community. I only gave details of how it works in mine and so far, among my friends it has worked out pretty well. Every single person who had an arranged marriage is lasting. Of the two people who had a love marriage, one has already divorced. The second should last the distance but the couple involved were much more mature (they married in their late 30s) and are determine to make it work. The couple to divorced on the other hand did some pretty foolish things. I cannot imagine that arrangement being approved under and arranged marriage situation. But the couple were in love and practicalities of marriage didn't enter their head and in the end, it was the practicalities that did them in. It was really sad to watch happen. But I hope they are wiser for it.
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Posted 11/26/10
really hard. its either he marries the woman or gets disinherited and disowned.
if he chooses the former i suggest he gets to know her wife and learns to love her and look at the brighter side. For the latter, he better man up and take responsibility, hoping sooner or later his family would forgive him.
He could also a choose marriage of convenience (if he still has the time), look for someone online/in the community (in the same culture) who he would be at more ease, and he could arrange for a contract or whatever he wishes to make the marriage favorable for both parties (which may include divorce after some years)
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Posted 11/26/10
people should have the right to choose who they are marrying
your buddy's situation sounds like a force marriage that goes BAM!
some arranged marriages don't work as the couple won't love each other as much as they do if they're in a free relationship
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Posted 11/26/10
For me, I'm a huge no regarding arrange marriage. Especially since I'm not even interested in my own race.

But I know a lot of people, and I mean A LOT. Who went through marriage by their parents arranging it. They're all real happy. I even know a few that want their parents to choose them a partner now so they can get married. It's not as terrible as westerners put it out to be. All the people that I know that got married by their parents are happily married with kids.

Even though I'm against it, even if I let me parents choose for me. If I really think about it. I don't think it would have turned out that bad. My parents know me inside out. I'm pretty sure they'll choose someone who's compatible. They're not dumb enough to choose a 37 year old for me
Parents always want what's best for their kids. I know a lot of people who complain about their mother-in-law or father-in-law who don't like them and think their sons or daughters could have done better. When a parent chooses someone for their kid. It takes a shitload of pressure on them. They really have to dig in and out to find a perfect partner for their child. So give them a break and people who are in arranged marriages one too. It's not as bad as everyone makes it seem to be.

But if you're completely against it and your parents are forcing it upon you. Then I can see where you're coming from. But the arranged marriages I've seen are mostly all willing to let their parents choose for them.
Posted 11/26/10
Me, hell no. Life is what you make it. Your friend should just be a runaway, though it won't really solve the problems. He should makes his own decisions... Make life what you want it to be.
Posted 11/26/10
I think its horrible and I could never imagine being in that situation.

Just glad I wasn't brought up in that culture, if I was I'd be a total runaway and I'd be disowned quicker than you can say sex.

Posted 11/26/10 , edited 11/26/10
Would I be okay with it? Heck no. I'm going into hiding if my mother ever got the idea of arranging me to get married to some loser that she knows.

As for your friend, I think I'd suggest the same thing.
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