"THE URGE TO CHANGE" (REVISED AND ORIGINAL!!!)
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19 / F / HA!! wouldn't you...
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Posted 12/20/10
i am a 13 year old girl who likes being alone and always thought that reality is always out to get me....always wanting to harm me......

I've always had a negative outlook towards life, i always say in my mind that I'm all alone in this world.....that no one can help me, and i thought that if people get too close to me would just get sucked up in my sorrow ..... that's why i tend to cut loose of my friends that are getting TOO close to the "REAL ME"

OR

I'll tend to make another personality so that they won't realize too much of my hurt....... I'd pretend that I'm happy even though i am really hurting inside ..... i pretend that I always want to be with them even though I just wanna be alone ......in my thoughts......


then in my studies.... i would just say to myself that "i don't care" or "who cares".......but actually "I CARE"

I would always do my assignments in the last minute ...... and i don't always pass my projects......

and then when I don't know that there's an assignment and my classmate tells me.....again i would just say "I DON'T CARE" and try to stay cool..... but then after that.... my heart starts to race.... because of the nervousness that i immediately feel..... then I'll think of elaborate explanation why i don't have an assignment..... but in the end i always end up doing it instead (my classmates think I'm weird because of this reason and others...)


and remember at the first part i told you that i liked being alone.....

nowadays...... i don't want to be alone ...... i want to be with somebody, somebody who understands me and share my feelings with......


and every time my family and my cousin's get together for an event..... i always stay away..... because I feel so out of place, and i think I'm too much of a bother....... (i still don't know if i changed here)


and when it comes to the picture-taking part, i would always pass....... because i was too shy...(this also happens when one my classmates bring a camera to school).........


But then, when they post the pictures on facebook or wherever and i see that i'm not in the picture....... I start to "REGRET" that i was too much SHY to go along with them... and join the fun



But now..... I am DONE regretting!!!!!!, I am DONE being too scared!!!!! and I'm TIRED of being ALONE!!!



And a recent incident made me realized that i NEEDED to CHANGE my LIFE


(i posted this in a site named crunchyroll) you see..on Dec. 20,2010 i posted a new topic named "escapes", and in that thread I said that I do the things I do because I didn't want to face reality head on, i was too scared.......


But then suddenly a user posted in the thread and said:

]you're young and i understand escape is a way to cope, but really it wont make you strong--like i did back then, in the form of k/tw/ jdrama obsession.

i regret having escaped because ive become a stuck up, immature and weird person.
If I had known earlier to accept reality and live with it, i would'nt have gone through those bad times.


Now i indulge myself by watching dramas and movies, drawing, reading and etc..not because i want to escape reality, but i want to learn things about myself and other people.

when i saw that post i immediately PM'd garcon and told that i already knew all of those (like i said... i like to think)but am just to scared and unsure to apply my knowledge to my life..........



and then to surprise the guy answered and said that he/she was glad(don't really know the gender)

to know that i understand what I'm going through and that I should gradually learn to accept and act maturely on certain issues......and during our conversation she/he gave me a link about the traits of introverts and extrovert.... and i checked it out.......


when i finally got to the page and read the article i was absolutely stunned!!! because almost ALL of my traits were mentioned... so i got curious and read the whole article, and when i got to the very bottom I saw another link saying that it was a test to let you know if you're an introvert or not...... i took the test and my result was........


I was BOTH!!! i was 50/50


so I PM'd the guy again and thanked him/her for the help


after that i googled more articles about introverts and learned more!!!(but i'm not gonna tell you because that's another story and it would make this much longer)



so anyways,..... this whole thing leads to now! Dec. 21,2010 at 3:10 AM (i couldn't sleep cuz i already slept earlier and was wayyy to hyper!!!) and because i was soooo bored!!! i decided to read a book .... i couldn't find any fictional ones(i think my sister brought it with her) so i took one of my father's book named "thinking for a change" by John C. Maxwell

,. this book caught my eye because of the word "CHANGE" so i read it (still not finished it)


this books talks about how to be a good thinker and seeing the big-picture....and other stuff like that(THIS GUY IS REALLY GOOD!!!!) and at the end of every chapters there were thinking questions and self-help questions that helps you grow more and understand yourself better



and while i was reading this book I realized how my life was a wreck and i really NEEDED to CHANGE, so i promised myself that i would clean up my act!!!!

then, after i read a few chapters ALL of the things i thought about came to me and just "connected" at that point i was really motivated to TRY and MAKE A CHANGE in how i live my life!!!!





so i made myself a To-do list:



-clean the room

-give time to study for the exam next year

-Post "THIS" (i wrote this on a notebook first) on CR and Facebook

-Finish the book I'm reading

-Read other books that can help me

-Finally, THINK ABOUT THE NEXT STEP!!!



after i did this i felt contended!!! i felt like I've been enlightened .....and after awhile my father woke up (this was around 3:35 AM) because the light i was using was too bright..... and he asked me what i was doing and then i told him the experience i had and the realizations i had..... while i was talking he hugged me!!! he said that he was proud of me!!! he said he has been waiting for a long time for us to realize what i just realized..... after that we had a good hearty talk..... and i became ENLIGHTENED!!!! and INSIGHTFUL!!

__________________________________________________________________________________________



bottom line is I learned that reality isn't out to get me...... it is just there to teach us lessons and let us grow stronger in life



and when a chance comes to you you go and grab it!!! because chances like this only comes rarely(i learned the hard way)



and most of all...... change only comes to those who are really willing to try and succeed in their lives

(this is the original topic!!!)
Posted 12/20/10
Once again, no one gives a fuck.
Gtfo.
Posted 12/20/10

muzeEkluvEr24 wrote:

and then when I don't know that there's an assignment and my classmate tells me.....again i would just say "I DON'T CARE"


Well, there's one thing we have in common.

I don't care either.
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F / Youtube!
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Posted 12/20/10
So you didn't get the response you expected the first time?
It's not going to happen this time either, then. Sorry, but that's how it works.
:/ hm.
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31 / M / Iloilo City, PH
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Posted 12/20/10
Posted 12/20/10
TL;DR

I don't want to bother reading this.
Posted 12/20/10
Your other thread just went to the closed section. =T
You can't make personal threads or threads that lack discussion for the users to talk about here.
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28 / F / Plato's allegoric...
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Posted 12/20/10
I'm sorry muzeEkluvEr24 but what were you expecting. I feel for you but this isn't exactly the right forum for you to put yourself out there. Good luck to you anywayz.
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19 / F / In the anime worl...
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Posted 12/20/10
I really don't want to read all that. But I could say, "Don't commit suicide yet." if that's what this is all about.
Posted 12/20/10
Sigh, your thread got locked but I'll just copy-paste my little preaching session

Any ways, you are young! Calm down, and stop vivctimizing yourself to the world! Don't take yourself too seriously.
Relax and enjoy what the journey of life holds for you. Try changing your prespective. Become open-minded. Don't bottle it up. Write it. Shout it in a place where no one is (If you are home alone; thats what I do)
Find an understanding friend, who can cheer you up and not "get sucked in to your sorrow".

You are not the only one suffering. I'm 100% sure people out there have it worse. You are lucky to be able to access the Internet and a computer. =)

I'm done preaching here.

Here is the place to post if you got a personal issue

Personal Help Thread
http://www.crunchyroll.com/forumtopic-1099/personal-advice
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