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24 / F / under the hot sun...
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Posted 2/2/08
uhm...can i add a part of my story too? please give a comment even if it is negative...i'm just an beginner...This is the last part of my story...i just use simple words...i hope it is all right...wah!! i'm nervous!!

When I woke up, I hurried to tell Drake my plans, my goals, but Drake didn’t react like what I expected. He gave me a downbeat expression. “I…I can’t. You see…this is the only thing I know. You’ll stay beside me right? You can’t leave me…we promised to be together, remember?” He said in a trembling voice. I can see his eyes pleading as he holds my hands tightly. My eyesight started to blur, tears started flowing down my cheeks, and I can feel my throat is starting to dry. Words started to come out from my lips. “I’m sorry…I…I already gave you an alternative, you decided to stay…I need to move on…” I struggled to find precise words that will not make him feel badly.”…you see…we have to make things better. We can change together! Believe Drake, believe…” He slowly unclasped my hands and said “…I guess, this is the end. I guess…forever is not eternal after all…” We went in separate ways, living different lives of our own choice. Maybe this is all I can give; giving him what he wants instead of giving what is the best for him…
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Posted 2/2/08
Um the only thing that made it hard to read was that you kept switching between past and present tense, but oter than that it would be nice to read more to better understand this small beginning...
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24 / F / under the hot sun...
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Posted 2/3/08
Hey!! hey!! thanks for responding!!
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28 / M / United Kingdom
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Posted 2/3/08

satoo16 wrote:

Um the only thing that made it hard to read was that you kept switching between past and present tense, but oter than that it would be nice to read more to better understand this small beginning...


Disclaimer: This message is not about the quote but about your story.

Grammar errors in the first paragraph. just a bit more proofreading. You could clarify that the group made the monster, not just Yua. A detailed account of the battle would be appreciated. For Yua's description as well as the others try to balance them more. overall this short story has potential.
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28 / F / U.S.
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Posted 2/4/08

mffnman964 wrote:


satoo16 wrote:

Um the only thing that made it hard to read was that you kept switching between past and present tense, but oter than that it would be nice to read more to better understand this small beginning...


Disclaimer: This message is not about the quote but about your story.

Grammar errors in the first paragraph. just a bit more proofreading. You could clarify that the group made the monster, not just Yua. A detailed account of the battle would be appreciated. For Yua's description as well as the others try to balance them more. overall this short story has potential.


aye, yeah i added more to make the monster more clarified. and grammar was checked for me, a detailed account of the battle? hmmm I maybe I will, i kinda of like the vagueness, but I might add more...
as for the piece, I have added and change a bit of things since that last post, and I might add more, but this part is all I think I will submit for the contest because I want to write a lot but I don't have enough time to finish it by the 15th. but thank you for your input, much appreciated.
Posted 2/7/08
STILL UNDECIDED


thanks!

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Posted 2/10/08
Ahm, sir, I got my first story posted at the forum... It's title "A love story", can you check it out for some corrections?...
thanks... k_m
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Posted 2/14/08

rabulan_08 wrote:

uhm...can i add a part of my story too? please give a comment even if it is negative...i'm just an beginner...This is the last part of my story...i just use simple words...i hope it is all right...wah!! i'm nervous!!

When I woke up, I hurried to tell Drake my plans, my goals, but Drake didn’t react like what I expected. He gave me a downbeat expression. “I…I can’t. You see…this is the only thing I know. You’ll stay beside me right? You can’t leave me…we promised to be together, remember?” He said in a trembling voice. I can see his eyes pleading as he holds my hands tightly. My eyesight started to blur, tears started flowing down my cheeks, and I can feel my throat is starting to dry. Words started to come out from my lips. “I’m sorry…I…I already gave you an alternative, you decided to stay…I need to move on…” I struggled to find precise words that will not make him feel badly.”…you see…we have to make things better. We can change together! Believe Drake, believe…” He slowly unclasped my hands and said “…I guess, this is the end. I guess…forever is not eternal after all…” We went in separate ways, living different lives of our own choice. Maybe this is all I can give; giving him what he wants instead of giving what is the best for him…


you gotta remember to put a new line for each new speaker otherwise i gets a bit confusing, but other than i really wanna know what happens b4 and after this bit...
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24 / F / under the hot sun...
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Posted 2/18/08
thanks for the comments guys...!!

i was not able to join the contest..geez...too much school work...

207mbdy wrote:

you gotta remember to put a new line for each new speaker otherwise i gets a bit confusing, but other than i really wanna know what happens b4 and after this bit...

i will try to give you a copy...
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