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Posted 1/17/08 , edited 1/17/08
Cr friends we need ur help! my friend and I thinks that the other persons poem is better so u guys decide!

My peom:
You and I
What do I say
When I am feeling blue
And my heart wants to tell you
A secret that I hold true
That I love you
I wounder why?
I wish I can tell you
But my heart is falling through
Everything about you
Makes my heart jumps too
I can’t take my eyes off you
Every time I hear bye
I die without you
By my side
But I still love you
And you know it true

Read the second post too and the vote!
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Posted 1/17/08
My poem:
My heart aches for your love
I wish I could fly to you lik like a dove
Your kisses make me melt
When you say"I love you"I wish you knew how I felt
I love when you hold me in a tight embrace
You are like a gift for me from grace
When your gone I miss you so much
I miss your Gentle sweet touch
When you hold me I don't ever want you to let go
If you ask if I'll ever leave you I'll say no
Finally when we say *good nite and I love you*
And when I look back I hope you konw its true

I hope every1 enjoys reading
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33 / F / Pluto
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Posted 1/17/08
I will cast my simcere admiration for the first...... I found it easy to read and rather aesthetic.

As for the second the there was somthing I never could put my finger on that sighed out to me, it was less of am emjoyable read, though the themes of both poems similiar, i enjoyed the closure on the first. In the second poem, I got lost somewhere in the tail lines (lines 6 on, or so).

But altogether both were good enoug for stage at my local open mike night coffee shop.

*snap, snap*
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Posted 1/18/08
Hmmm.. I'm touched by the 2nd poem. It's my personal opinion because it relates to me more than the first one.

The first poem is like when a girl falls for someone and can't tell that person because of fear. It's slightly a contradiction if "And you know it true" - then it wouldn't be a secret of the heart anymore?

The second poem is more along the lines of a couple being separated by long distance, and she's clinging onto the memories until that person returns. p.s edit : I miss your gently sweet touch (Gently to Gentle)
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Posted 1/19/08
I like the ending of the first poem. The second one was a bit confusing. So, in the end, I would say that I like the first poem better. By the way, each poem needs to be edited. I saw a few mistakes in each one.
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Posted 1/19/08

alliechan6 wrote:

I like the ending of the first poem. The second one was a bit confusing. So, in the end, I would say that I like the first poem better. By the way, each poem needs to be edited. I saw a few mistakes in each one.


Were! I will fix it!
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Posted 1/19/08
I’m sorry, but I wasn’t too fond of either. They seem more directed for a young-teenage audience and, when it comes to poems, I prefer a more classical and mature mien.

I also suggest to both of the writers that you take a literature class and learn some of the techniques. At least the basic stuff, like alliteration. You should also try and find a good beat. I’m old-school so I’m fond of the classical iambic pattern, but there are more complex and aesthetic ones out there too.

Don’t get me wrong. Both poems are good for what they are, but this just isn’t my personal style. I also tend to compare works to masterpieces, which I could never dream of comparing to myself.
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Posted 1/19/08

SeraphAlford wrote:

I’m sorry, but I wasn’t too fond of either. They seem more directed for a young-teenage audience and, when it comes to poems, I prefer a more classical and mature mien.

I also suggest to both of the writers that you take a literature class and learn some of the techniques. At least the basic stuff, like alliteration. You should also try and find a good beat. I’m old-school so I’m fond of the classical iambic pattern, but there are more complex and aesthetic ones out there too.

Don’t get me wrong. Both poems are good for what they are, but this just isn’t my personal style. I also tend to compare works to masterpieces, which I could never dream of comparing to myself.


Gosh.. If you're so picky with poetry, stick to Tennyson and Shakespeare.. I doubt anyone here can write As well as they do, so you might as well just not read it at all..
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Posted 1/19/08
I'm going to ditto SeraphAlford. I hate to deny both of you, but I find these poems lacking. Both of you show promise, and with practice and study, you could easily do better. I would recommend that you look into techniques as well. All you have going for you is an inconsistent rhyme. It's more open verse. This is a common form today, so I understand why you chose it. However, in order to write an outstanding poem in open form, there needs to be very good reason to do so, and it has to have a lot of other elements going for it. Make the fact that it's open have meaning.

I think both of you would do better to conform your poetry for now. Learn some good meters and poetic forms. The theme of love would do well in an ode or sonnet.

Oh, and I'm not saying they need to be masterpieces. I'm just giving you guys tips to improve.
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Posted 1/20/08
I am not so much into poetry, since I find myself as a perfectionist. Reason of why I end up in an internal argument with myself. Now, both of you did a good job, not great, but good. I would say my vote goes to poem #2. Because it gives a certain feeling of sincerity. Keep it up both of you. See critics as something positive, and see how your poems will be better every line.
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Posted 1/21/08
I like the Poem #2. Ok this is a stupid reason for it but it reminds me of New Moon from the Twilight series. Its amazing how random things can relate
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Posted 1/22/08

Quang wrote:

I like the Poem #2. Ok this is a stupid reason for it but it reminds me of New Moon from the Twilight series. Its amazing how random things can relate


i've read all three books and poem #2 doesn't seem relevant to new moon. but anyways i vote for poem #1. i agree that the ending is a bit contradicting but overall it's a very sweet poem. and that old school dude, get over yourself. we're not 20 something like you probably are. (: good job on the poems though ^_^
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Posted 1/22/08

dorkyfobx3 wrote:


Quang wrote:

I like the Poem #2. Ok this is a stupid reason for it but it reminds me of New Moon from the Twilight series. Its amazing how random things can relate


i've read all three books and poem #2 doesn't seem relevant to new moon. but anyways i vote for poem #1. i agree that the ending is a bit contradicting but overall it's a very sweet poem. and that old school dude, get over yourself. we're not 20 something like you probably are. (: good job on the poems though ^_^


Well i think it kinda relates cuz it talks about the pain when you seperate and how u want to stay together forever
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Posted 1/23/08
WHat br u guys talking about new moon?
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