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F / I'd rather not say!
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Posted 3/9/12
I have to agree. Wanna give this another shot?
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23 / M / head in the cloud...
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Posted 3/28/12
Sorry if some of the grammer is off I'm not that great with it.


Kyler walks down the road heading for the port city of Ankora. He was hoping to get some work as a deckhand on a ship. Get paid to go somewhere far away. He has to get away from the army. They're probably already chasing him, they don't take kindly to deserters. He figures he has a couple days headstart. He's been traveling day and night. Stopping only rarely to rest his tired legs and get a small bite to eat. He looks off to the west watching the sun sink towards the horizen. He decides to stop for a few hours and get some sleep. He steps off the road and finds a small tree that will keep him mostly hidden. He lays his bedroll down, and pulls some dried meat and a waterskin out of his pack. After he eats he lays down and immediatly drops off into a formless dream.

He wakes suddenly gripping his dagger. He listens closely to the sounds around him. The night is oddly quiet around him. He eases himself up silently into a crouch, his ears straining. A boot scuffs on the dirt and Kyler spins to face the sound. A large fists slams into his face sending him to the ground. He rolls back to his feet ,his dagger held at the ready. A large man steps out of the shadows under the tree. The man smiles, showing yellow teeth. He stops a short distance awy from Kyler.
" Well well, I thought you was asleep friend." The big man puts an odd emphasis on the last word and three other men surround Kyler.
Kyler glances around assesing the situation, it doesn't look good. " What do you want?," He asks calmly
" Isn't that obvious?," The big man takes another step towards Kyler. " Hand over all your money and any valuables you have."
" I can't do that." Kyler replies.
The big man ,apparently the leader of these bandits, sighs, " Just hand it over. If you do, we won't hurt you...much." The three other men pull clubs off straps on thier belts brandishing them menacingly.
Kyler tightens his grip on his dagger, the leather wrapped hilt warming in his hand. " I can't give you my money."
The leader grins wickedly, "Then, we'll just have to take it.... Boys."

The man to Kyler's left rushes towards him swinging his club. Kyler smoothly steps past him lashing out. He relishes the feel of the man's nose crunching under his elbow. The man falls to the ground cluthching his face, blood flows over his hands. The other two men attack together. Kyler ducks under a blow his knife flashing quickly once, twice, a third time. He comes back up just in time to catch a club in the ribs. He hears a crack and a sharp pain lances through his chest. He slashes the club wielder's throat and turns swiftly towards the leader. With a flick of his wrist the dagger flies through the air , burying half the blade in the tree. The bandit leader raises his hands to the shallow gash next to his eye. Kyler stands showing nothing on his face. " Leave now and I let you live."

The Bandit draws an axe off his belt and hurls it at Kyler. Kyler deftly snatches the axe out of the air, already moving towards the man. He slams the butt of the handle into the bandit's forehead. He swiftly spins around behind the large man and snaps his neck.
"Can't say I didn't warn im." Kyler mumbles as he packs his bedroll and shoulders his pack. He picks up the axe and straps it to his own belt. He steps back onto the road and continues on towards Ankora clutching his side. He had to get away.
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 3/29/12 , edited 3/29/12


Your grammar was okay, even if there were a couple of errors, but those are very easily overlooked when you look at the writing overall. It's pretty good. I approve.
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F / I'd rather not say!
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Posted 3/29/12 , edited 3/29/12
I really liked it. It was a fun read.
If you focus on using commas more often instead of fullstops, the flow will be better. (If you want to know more of what I mean, ask Shadow; she is the Grammar expert of our group *grins*)

Anyway, I approve. Welcome to the group.
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23 / M / head in the cloud...
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Posted 3/31/12
does this mean i can join the actual group?

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F / I'd rather not say!
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Posted 3/31/12

Berom123 wrote:

does this mean i can join the actual group?



Yes, it means exactly that :). I'll send you an invite. Remember, stay active!
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23 / F / Canada
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Posted 5/18/12 , edited 5/18/12
I hope this is a good read. Here's hoping for few grammatical errors.

The overhead lighting flickered constantly, dimly illuminating the rough metallic surfaces of the seemingly endless hallways. Everything creaked and groaned, with exposed pipes churning as their various contents moved through them. Another brief moment of light in these halls revealed a young boy walking forward at a brisk pace, his excitement made obvious by the smile on his face and the spring in his step. This child did not know the way he walked, but neither did he fear, as a guide silently pulled him on. A girl, so beautiful she was. Looking older, simply by size, and most obviously not human like him. Her body a dazzling array of colours shifting constantly across a form devoid of most features, save an empty mouth and eyes. It almost made him jealous in comparison to his simple blue clothes, but he didn't have the time to think of such things. The girl, floating ahead, with her back forward, goading him on, had finally agreed to show him to his friends, who she said had finally arrived. The girl slipped back behind him, hand on his back, keeping the boy on the right path as she spoke to him.

"So exciting. I can see it in your eyes. In you! It took so long, but they don't work as fast as I do. So lucky you are that I found you too. Could have been a lot worse, oh yes. But your friends are here now. They assure me so. They don't lie of course, nothing to worry about. Almost there too!"

The boy, still moving forward, looked back at the girl. His smile, along with the rest of his face, now showed a look of appreciation.

"I know I've said this already, but thank you. The forest was pretty frightening. Is it true though, what you had said, that nobody can get out by themselves?"

"Yes-sir. Need outside assistance or you'll never reach the edge. Keeps out the undesirables. And such a polite kid too. Yes indeed. Your mother must be so proud. Such a shame you.. err, well. Ah look, we're here!

The girl launched herself ahead of him, and through the entrance just ahead. Giddy with anticipation, he rushed through after her. The room he entered though, left him a bit perplexed. There was only one other in the room aside from the two, a short pig like creature holding a clipboard, and staring through a large window that made up most of the wall in this small, otherwise barren room. The girl too, was also staring through the glass, standing now, and scratching her head. The small boy rushed to her side, first staring through the window in confusion, then up at her, his smile having left his face, though hers had not.

"Odd. Strange, yes. They took too long. A lazy job of it too. Bringing them in with the haul. Such sloppy work."

"What are you talking about? You said my friends were here! You said you never lied!"

Desperation had more then creeped into his voice, and the girl bent down, wrapping an arm around him and lifting him up to her level. She tilted her head towards him, staring with her large eyeless eyes and great smile, and pointed to the window. On the other side, another room of similar size, this one though, filled with bodies. Wooden bodies, all the same, with the front half of their faces missing, and small, cold flames burning in their place. Their forms stretched and warped as they shifted about, like turtles on their backs.

"Fairies got them. Make them into their own. Keeps intruders out. They slacked off and didn't find them fast enough. Not like me. It can't be helped I guess. They are slow. Didn't think that slow though. Couldn't do it myself either. Had to look after you of course."

The small boys state of shock lifted as the girl pinched him playfully on the cheek, and turned towards the entrance. Desperately the boy craned his neck around to get a view through the window, to his friends, but the girl gripped him tightly, preventing him from doing so.

"NO! LET ME GO!"

He struggled to free himself, grabbing at her arms and pushing at her head, but the girls grip on him was absolute.

"Aww, don't be sad. We have someplace wonderful to go now! Gotta show you to our caretaker. Can't be letting a cute little thing like yourself be running around all by your lonesome, and alas, I have such a schedule. It is so beautiful there, and you can make new friends, promise!"

The boy kicked and screamed, and the girl just held him close, letting the doorway close behind them. Off they went back down the halls that they had just been, creaking and groaning as always.
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F / I'd rather not say!
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Posted 5/19/12 , edited 5/20/12
This was very good. Creative and gripping. I actually want to know what happens next. Technically, you are sound(much more than most of us here, ).
Approved from my end.
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22 / F / In the world of m...
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Posted 5/19/12

i too think it was quite interesting. describing was good. approved from me too
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 6/30/12


That's... really good. There are many interesting ideas, and your writing is pretty intriguing and draws the reader in. I especially like your use of long, complex sentences. There're a couple of grammatical and syntactical errors, and a who/whom issue, but these are fairly easy to ignore and your grasp of grammar is pretty decent. I approve too; you'll receive an invitation soon.
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F / wonderland
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Posted 7/14/12
A young girl with bright pink hair and light blue eyes was walking along some streets,it was very dark out. Her mother told her not to stay out too late but she did anyway. She heard a sound coming out of an alley and stopped and looked over there.


"Well Hello there little girl" said a young looking man with brown hair and red eyes,he was wearing a cloak. The girl backed up a bit and stared at him and said "Who are you"? The young man laughed and walked closer to her. "Stay away" the girl stuttered as she backed up even farther. The young man just kept walking closer.


Once the girl couldn't move,she smiled up at the young man and pulled out a wooden stake. The young man backed away and snared at the girl and took a fighting stance,his legs a part and his arms up to protect his chest. The girl twirled the stake in her hand as she watched the young man get all flustered.


The young man charged at her as he didn't see her move,the girl jumped up and grabbed a branch and flipped her self on the branch and looked down at the young man. The young man couldn't stop him self and ran into the wall and fell to the ground on his back,the girl then jumped down and landed on top of the young man and raised the stake up high, about to plunge it into his chest.


But before she could a hand reach out from the shadows and grabbed her hair and pulled her off the young man,the girl yelped in pain and tired to get away. A chilling laughed was greeted when she tired to get away. The girl frozed and her heart stopped when she heard the laugh.

"My my,I didn't know there were vampire hunters in this town" said the dark figure that had a hold on the girl's hair. He slowly moved his head to her neck. The girl felt his breath on her neck and shivered. He opened his mouth and bite into her sucking her blood.

"Aaah"!!!! yelled the girl as her blood was sucked out. The dark figured then dropped her once he was done and looked down at her and smiled evily. He then laughed and turned and walked away,leaving the girl laying in the street.

The girl felt a werid sensation in her body as she started to transform into a vampire,she got up and stumbled into a near by woods. She was never seen again in the town she once knew.
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 8/8/12
Unfortunately, I don't think your writing style suits our group.
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24 / F / rollosroomofweapo...
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Posted 10/13/12
[I....am sorry...I apologize wholly for this...Durr...I tried to fit it into the plot line of CAS but looking at it, I guess it's off? But anyways, enjoy~ (I guess)]

‘Good-bye, Gilderoy…” Aleaon said, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

‘A-Aleaon? What…Where are you going?’ Gilderoy asked, looking at the figure at the door. The figure slightly turned but did not completely face him.

‘Where? Somewhere better than here…Somewhere where I wouldn’t be looked down upon,’ was the answer before the figure walked through the door and out of Gilderoy’s life. Gilderoy could have sworn he saw a tear run down his friend’s face but it was hard to tell in the dark.


Gilderoy jolted awake and sat up, drenched in sweat. He groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. “That memory again…” he whispered, dropping his head between his drawn up knees. Beside him, a sleepy murmur could be heard and then a rustle of clothe as someone shifted sleeping positions. He’s been having dreams of his friend...no…brother for the past week and he can’t seem to decode as to why. It always had an ominous feeling to it.

Gilderoy sighed, feeling awake he got off his sleeping pallet, grabbed his sword and headed outside to get some fresh air and cool his head. “Aleaon…I wonder what you’re doing right now…” he said, looking up at the night sky, feeling the cool air. He sat on a log near his campsite and tried to sort out his mind, ‘Why am I having these dreams? Is Aleaon trying to tell something? A warning?’ Possibilities ran through Gilderoy’s head as he tried to figure out why he had the dreams he had.

“Gil?” a man asked, coming out from a tent.

“Yeah?” Gilderoy replied, snapping out of his thoughts.

“Can’t sleep?” the man asked, yawning slightly.

“Hn…” Gilderoy replied, turning to face the man. The man placed a hand on Gilderoy’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. A rustle from the trees caught the duo’s attention. They stood up and faced the source of noise as they saw something dart by. “Animal?” Gilderoy asked.

“Too big…” his companion shook his head.

“Then…human?” Gilderoy said, scanning the area again for movement. Again, he saw a flash of a shadow pass by.

“Show yourself!” the man called, moving toward the rustling, only to get attacked when he did so. “Argh!” Gilderoy’s companion went down quickly, nursing an injury. Gilderoy pulled out his sword and took a stance. His eyes once again scanning for the attacker.

“Quit hiding, coward!” Gilderoy called, despite his bravery, he was shaking with fear.

“Your bravery is quite commended, Gil…” a voice replied. Gilderoy froze at the usage of his nickname and turned in confusion to search for the source. “But you’re probably shaking aren’t you?” the voice asked again.

“Who are you?” Gilderoy cried in confusion and without a moment for him to hesitate, a man charged at him. Gilderoy brought up his sword on time to block the attack, only then was he face to face with his attacker.

“Miss me, Gil?” a familiar face asked.

“A-Aleaon?” Gilderoy asked in confusion as he looked at his brother’s face. Aleaon back away and swung again, going to Gilderoy’s side. Gilderoy parried on time to avoid the strike.

“C’mon, you have to swing, you can’t keep dodging.” Aleaon said, striking again and again. Gilderoy only had the power to block and parry as his mind was still in shock.

‘Why is Aleaon doing this? What is he doing here?’ Thoughts ran through Gilderoy’s mind, his body jolting violently each time another attack came down. “Why, Aleaon?” Gilderoy finally managed to say. Aleaon paused for a second before resuming his attacks.

“Why? Why? Why do I need a reason? I can do whatever I want,” Aleaon answered, “I’m stronger than before. I’m no longer a weakling like you!” Aleaon laughed, a crazed look in his eyes.

“B-but, Aleaon….” Gilderoy’s shoulder’s dropped. Aleaon used that chance to attack at the opening, effectively injuring Gilderoy. Gilderoy nursed his injured side and stared wide eyed at his attacker.

“Come on, Gilderoy, just fight back already!” Aleaon said, a hint of desperation and frustration could be heard in his voice. Gilderoy dropped his weapon and slid to the ground, the shock of his own best friend attacking him and wounding him overwhelmed him.

Aleaon frowned at the sight of his opponent giving up, feeling disgust for Gilderoy, he lifted his blade over his head, ready to deliver the final blow. Before he was able to swing, he felt a radiating pain in his chest and blood began to trickle from the corner of his mouth and dripped onto the ground. Aleaon looked down to see a protruding blade out his chest and slightly turned to see his killer. It was Gilderoy’s companion, the one that laid forgotten when they started their battle. He had crawled back to his tent to grab his sword and came back to the scene to save Gilderoy.

Aleaon let out a cough, spraying blood on Gilderoy. The blade within him was retracted and Aleaon pitched forward into Gilderoy. Gilderoy saw a shadow looming before him and in time, caught the falling male. “A-Aleaon!” he cried, cradling the dying man.

“Quit crying….” Aleaon wheezed out, “This was meant to be…” he continued.

“Quit talking…” Gilderoy fumbled to find something to staunch the bleeding.

“Stop…I’m too far gone for you to save me now….” Aleaon said, offering a small smile, “Keep moving, little brother. Don’t ever stop to regret things,” Aleaon brushed Gilderoy’s face with a bloodied hand, leaving a streak of blood on Gilderoy’s face.

“Aleaon…Please…” Gilderoy pleaded. Aleaon smiled, beckoned Gilderoy closer and whispered something. Gilderoy looked at Aleaon, incredulously and Aleaon nodded and offered one last smile to his brother and closed his eyes forever.

Gilderoy let out a guttural cry and hugged his brother’s cooling body to his chest. For the whole night, Gilderoy wept for his brother, unwilling to let go of the body. As dawn came, he slowly calmed down and wiped his face from tears. His companion had managed to bandage himself and had fallen asleep a while ago. Gilderoy rose to his feet and went to wash his face, waking his companion. “Let’s…let’s bury him near the water…” Gilderoy said, not facing the man. The man laid a hand on Gilderoy’s shoulder and squeezed, letting Gilderoy know his understanding.

After the burial of Aleaon, they packed their stuff and continued their journey. Gilderoy looked at the sky, a small smile slowing dawned on his face. ’Rest in peace, Aleaon….I’ll remember you forever,’ he thought.

“I’m sorry for leaving you abruptly when I did but you have always been in my mind. So remember this whenever you feel lonely or upset, I’ll always be with you. Stay strong, little brother.”
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100 / M / The world inside...
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Posted 10/17/12 , edited 10/17/12
This is a response to SensuallyYours Post

I dont actually think its half bad, though I am sorry for not taking a look at it until now. anyways I think its well written and it would be good to have someone like you in the group (As long as you can stay active XD)
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21 / Hogwarts
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Posted 10/17/12
I quite like your style. As Enigma said, it's well-written and you'd fit pretty well into the group.
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