First  Prev  1  2  3  Next  Last
Post Reply Ciel's Book
Posted 3/16/12
asdfghjkl -spazzes-
Author/Editor
125395 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 3/16/12
-runs in a circle- weeeeee!
Posted 3/16/12
-records it-
Author/Editor
125395 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 3/16/12
-trips and falls- ...... o.O -laughs-
Posted 3/17/12 , edited 3/17/12
Alright Here goes:

Before~


After~


COMMENTARY:

1) There was only a couple of grammatical and structural errors, but I fixed those.
2) The Imagery is pretty good! I know it's hard to do imagery since it's in first person, and first person is mostly about thoughts, but you did a very nice job.
3) I suggest you find another phrase that isn't "as if", because it's only appropriate in some places. If you noticed, I took it out in some places.
4) I actually really felt like I understood her at some parts. That's a good thing. Keep it up.
5) I only had one question and it's in there, so yeah.
Author/Editor
125395 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 3/17/12
She is a shape shifter, the memory on before she was there will come soon. explain why it is like that
Posted 3/17/12
I see~ XD
Author/Editor
125395 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 3/17/12
Yes, just gotta figure out how to reach up to the point
Posted 3/17/12
Good luck with that~
Author/Editor
125395 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 3/17/12
yep, i'm thinking having the memories at random
Posted 3/17/12
Go right ahead, it will be interesting~
Author/Editor
125395 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 3/17/12
Yes, it would
Posted 3/17/12
Alright, now for the rest of that chapter~

Before!


After!


Italicize the memories. it'll make things easier to understand.
Author/Editor
125395 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 3/17/12
fuck, i forgot to do that xD
Posted 3/17/12
Yeah XD
Anyway, so to continue it, you should have her sitting in a cell, musing, when that guy who hit her comes back and does something violent, so the other guy who went to go get the other comes out of fucking nowhere and saves her or something.XD
First  Prev  1  2  3  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.