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Do you feel out of place?
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37 / M
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Posted 3/27/12
I know I can't be alone in this, but I feel like I'm alone around friends. As if I don't belong with them. I've heard from different schools of thought on this subject. That it doesn't matter if I share interests with them because that's not what makes them friends. Friends don't care if you fit in with them.. Etc, etc. Doesn't see to help that I still feel out of place, and I will explain.

I have sooooo many different interests, and some of them are minor like preference in music, tv, or food. Some are significant cuz they impact my direction in life, such as work, and hobbies. I like Rockclimbing first and foremorst, it's what I try to do with every bit of free time I can get my hands on. I work when I cannot climb, I play games(and I have gaming preferences) when I'm not working or climbing, when I'm not working, climbing or gaming, I'm catching up on anime and tv, after that reading and probably hanging out and BSing with friends.

Now comes my dilema; I may love climbing but the people I climb are not necessarily "close" friends. It's missing something, I feel like I can't connect with these people except with climbing. Outside of climbing I would probably never associate with these people. I can't share many of my gaming jokes, or refer to funny anequdotes that I see on TV or read in a book. I was trying to express how stoked I was about picking up Mass Effect 3 and I could tell that they didn't want to be bothered with it. I never feel so out of place than with these guys. Don't even get me started on meeting women, if I so much as mention anything geekish then I will cease to exist. Believe me I try and will keep trying, surely they cannot all be like this. At the same time I love rock climbing, I get an adventure from it and exploring outside than I do in any video game or book. Then why do I love gaming and anime? The stories, and action and humor ofcourse.

The other side of the coin. I try to discuss climbing and going outside with my gaming friends, and they are just so strictly against it. It's sooooo unappealing because of the mild amount of risk and effort. I feel a deeper connection with my gaming friends but I don't think I can ever be able to share my greatest love with any of them simply because outdoor fun is as far from gaming as the Earth is from the Sun. I won't ever give up. These friends might just be online friends and not "real" friends, but as I said I connect with them better than my climbing companions.

I can't forget to mention a 3rd echelon of my friends, and that is my work friends. These guys are an element all they're own. We share a unique bond that I don't share with my climbing or gaming friends and that is that we are screwed by our bosses in the same degree. This has brought us all very close, and some of my friends have similar tastes, some are gamers and others just share the same political opinions as me. I have had some success getting them to climb with me and game with me, but none that is permanent.

I'm not looking for any advice or pity or help. I'm ofcourse going to keep trying, there has to be another climbing/gamer that gets sodomized by his boss metaphorically. Who knows, perhaps there is a female like that too, lol. What I want to know is anyone else in a similar boat? Does anyone else have the same issues, and is it driving them absolutely crazy too?
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22 / M / Chicago
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Posted 3/27/12
Interesting predicament.

As much as a cliche as this advice I am about to give you may be, it may change your outlook.

It does not matter what others think about you. If you express your true self your true friends will start to show themselves. If you see yourself as a gamer, and want to incorporate that with the people you spend time with at rock climbing but they shoot you down, maybe those aren't the people you should be associating yourself with. Climb on your own if you have to, but dont let people look down on you because your jokes are too "geeky" and dont hide your true sense of humor because you want to fit in and be accepted.

Take that with a grain of salt if you have to. There is a value in making acquaintances with people that you dont necessarily get along with but we are discussing true friendship here


As long as you shared your story I will share a paraphrased version of mine in a attempt to relate to you


I am a Chicago DJ and am surrounded by drugs and alcohol, but I have been sober my whole life, both alcohol-wise and drug-wise. This can lead to some pretty lonely weekends and weeks..... Even my best friends bail on me often to go get high, and I am stuck at home writing music. I can usually stay pretty happy by reminding myself of how the decisions I make are ones to be proud of, but I still end up pretty lonely sometimes. I am not always sure what to think of it. Are they my true friends if they constantly bail on me? That is my predicament
Posted 3/27/12
Yeah, I've been feeling that way for years. My situation seems a bit different than yours though. I haven't felt like I bond with the acquaintances I hang with nor my family, no matter how hard I try to. Lack of communication plays a hand in it also why I feel distant from them too.
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22 / M / Chicago
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Posted 3/27/12
I used to feel that way for a while, but I have found myself enjoying my relationships with others more when I try my best to be kind. Someone I dont communicate with at all comes up to me and asks for a favor? I will accept it. Makes me feel pretty loved

Not trying to call you a pessimist
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Posted 3/27/12 , edited 3/27/12
As long as you shared your story I will share a paraphrased version of mine in a attempt to relate to you
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22 / M / Chicago
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Posted 3/27/12

Edna236 wrote:

As long as you shared your story I will share a paraphrased version of mine in a attempt to relate to you



?
Posted 3/27/12
Why don't you get one of those rocks you climb and make it your friend.
Posted 3/27/12 , edited 3/27/12

Edit:

I didn't read the question.:P Sounds like you need something new... I think.
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M / Arkansas
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Posted 3/27/12
absolutly, im from arkansas and like all the things a good'ol boy is supposed to, but i also like my anime and video games. So finding friends with similar intrest is hard.
Posted 3/27/12 , edited 3/27/12
I have been feeling this for a couple of months now. Doesn't help that I am having a quarter life crisis. I just Google Hangout with my friends yesterday and they are in their dorms laughing and i am just sitting there listening to their laughter. These friends were close friends and now i have some how drift off. I still hangout with my friends yet i feel like i am losing myself and them. Meet new people? It's hard when you have to commute and youre only stuck with your high school friends who have gone to other colleges and made new friends. I feel like i am lagging behind and i feel like i will be "that kid i was friends with back in high school"

Fuck. This is some depressing shit. Who wants to share a fucking bottle of Jaegar with me?

EDIT:
I just read this and was like "HA!" totally misread this. Oh well same boat. Losing friends and what not. Just needed a place to vent
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39 / M / Madison,WI
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Posted 3/27/12 , edited 3/27/12
This is an interesting topic.
One of my tenets when I begin to think about things along these lines is 'the only thing that will be with me my whole life is me".

While humans are social animals and thus require social interaction to maintain a healthy emotional state, there is a downside that comes with it. Everyone has their own ideas on morals, what life should be, fun, romance, etc.
Somewhere along the way someone convinced everyone that there was one perfect person for everyone who would be there at their side through thick and thin, when in reality there is no such thing for most people, whether you are talking about a friend or a significant other.

Is this depressing? No, because it's the truth. The idea that such a thing exists is the source of the depression, just like it was the alcohol that was the source of your hangover even though it's departure is what caused it.

Point being that while some people say that you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep, it isn't the defining characteristic of the person.

I have spend great effort in gathering a rather large group of very close friends over the years. Most of my friends have been my friends for more than 10 years, while my oldest friends have been my friends for 20-25 years.

I have times when I feel really close to them, and I have times when I feel really out of place doing things with them. It doesn't make me any less close to them. I know that if I got stuck in a snowstorm I could call just about any one of them and ask for a ride. I guess I don't mind if I am a big anime/manga geek and not a one of my good friends is. Some of my friends love to go frisbee golfing with me, others love to do some video gaming, still others love to get drunk and shoot pool with me. I don't expect them to like to do everything I do, and I definitely don't make that a requirement for them to be "close" to me.

The fact that your friends call you to do the activity that you have in common shows that they think about you. You have other friends that do the same for other things. If you want someone to connect with you on all levels, well that's one of the hardest things to do. As a matter of fact people tend to get tired of each other too, so having diverse groups of friends for different activities is a really good idea.

Modern society is designed to keep people apart so feeling lonely is a very common thing. After all we are taught from early on to keep our opinions to ourselves, and to ostracize people based on appearance, clothing, music genre preference, wealth, etc. Then the media is all designed to keep us sitting on our butts watching some unrealistic crap that is either teaching us that over the top is the only way to go (reality tv) or that everything can be resolved eventually if we just have a good heart and wish hard enough which basically leads to thoughts like. 'The guy I just watched solved all the world's problems in 2 hours, how come I can barely make rent once a month?'

To kind of sum it all up, I would say that basically whenever some facet of my life seems depressing it's because one of two things:

Either I'm trying to judge my life by someone else's standard (bad idea), or It's time for me to do something new, after all growth and change are the two things that you know are going to happen if you keep living.
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37 / M
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Posted 3/27/12
Brendan, I'm not looking for advice. I am just sharing and interested a bit in other people's experiences. Also, as much as I'd love to associate with different people other than climbers, but I cannot. Climbing can't be done solo. Most people that solo climb die.
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37 / M
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Posted 3/28/12
Wow I wasn't trying to depress anyone. Was just trying to say that if anyone else is going through it you're not alone. Also, it's normal to feel that way. Not my ideal group of friends so I'm disappointed but in time they will eventually come around or I will. Sooner or later it will work itself out.
Posted 3/28/12
Yeah. I know that feeling.

Just a month ago, I changed social circles thinking the new circle would be better than the original 20 people-group.
Because that 10 group people seemed to be more closer than the 20 group people. And I thought they would be nice to me. Because they usually really were.

They don't exactly seem fond of me, and I respect them in an okay way- like regular people. But it also turns out that whenever I do something wrong, that they also do, they don't think about what they did wrong themselves but what I did wrong instead.
Such bitches.

And it also turns out that the reason why they were nice to me was because they didn't have to see me often.
They also judge me according to my past stories; two years back, I talked about boys a lot. But now I don't. Yet they still think I am.

So they think that they cannot talk about boys near me.

I can tell because when one of the girls were talking about their younger brother,
and I just said something back. She gave me that staring look where she was judging me.
Heck, it was her younger brother. And she wasn't especially good looking, so why would I think her little kid brother would be any interest to me? I like guys my age.... Basically it's so irrational I think they're mentally screwed up.

Today, they were talking about me and I could tell.
Durng lunch, I didn't say much, but just sitting next to them made them glance at me and slightly harden.

They all had that face expression where it's obvious that they've been talking about someone- aka. me.

And all because of boys?

Plus, one of their other members also loves boys. She's almost desperate. But since she's pretty, they don't JUDGE her like they judge me? She has a supermodel body and maybe to them, I'm not even average. She acts like such a princess....

So I do feel alone at the moment.

I really wish they could just get a life and judge themselves before judging others... They don't know that people's priorities change.
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Posted 3/28/12
i never really have a problem with feeling alone left out or out of place with friends but i try not to hang out with them all the time either, i work hard i spend as much time with my gf as i can and when i have some spare time from that which is more important to me ill go out with my friends catch up have a blast and go back to my life. For me this is the best way to stop my friendship with the people i hang with from ever becoming stale and leaving me feel out of place .
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