self learning.
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M / NYC
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Posted 5/3/12
Chapter 1 - infatuated -
Late April 2012, just another day to come passing by. However this was a very special day, the day I met a young girl soon to change my life before I know it. The complications and course of events ahead are more real to me then any facts ever to be documented; the feelings raw as can be, enough for me to feel tingling down my spine right now as we speak. It was not the fanciest and cleanliest places of which you could meet a decent human being, nonetheless it was here. In main street flushing a place called "3D" an internet cafe for the less motivated teenagers to come play games and associate themselves with the worst environment to nurture someone of this age. The smell of cigarettes fill the air as if I was in a gas chamber, the scourging heat of the Egyptian deserts steaming from each and every computer; around the estimate of thirty. I was here originally only to meet a Chinese girl i met online but as I approached the awkwardness tension builds up around our walls, suffocating any word I wish to say to her. A few minutes of sitting in this hell of a place, a girl enters walking down the rolls of computers, she stopped as she saw her friends clicking away at a game called as "League of Legends" saying her hello's and giving hugs, I could not help but stare at her flawless smile, I could not get my eyes off of her; I don't know if it was her radiant smile, the short fashionable hair style, or perhaps if it was the comfy outfit she was in. As I waited patiently for her to finish associating with her friends, my heart was gaining speed. I built up with all my courage as she walked close enough to hear my trembling voice. What's your name I asked, she turned and gave me a smile, Ying is my name. I felt more brave than ever and proceeded to ask her to be friends with me on a social network called "Facebook". As I got her answer, she was told to go home. Giving all her friends good-bye hugs, I couldn't stop myself but ask for one as well. This was the first time I touched her and I wouldn't forget it for the days to come. Her leaving felt like i was missing something, regardless, I felt the excitement of looking forward to the days that lies ahead; like a child waiting to open their gift on Christmas Eve. As the night reaches it's end we came back to my friends' crib, the usually; drinking; talking; smoking; except tonight I had a warmth in my heart I haven't felt for as long as I could remember, back in my younger teenage years.

As I woke up the following morning, feeling the pain in my back from the uncomfortable bed that I will never get used too, the smell of curry still lingers in the air. The drive to the university I attended was like always, dreadful with the rush hour traffic, however it wasn't like all the other days where I sat their being irritated by drivers honking. Instead I had my mind filled with hope and motivation, her name alone gave me this courage. Studying was harder then I imaged the constant letter Y pops in my head within every word, if I ever closed my eyes for a brief moment, her smile becomes evermore vivid. I couldn't wait to get home, as I dashed across the wet pot holes of New York City streets, the rain got heavier; the cold wind piercing through my skin. I never drove home so fast before, but today was the day. Arriving home parking more unevenly then usual, my hands over my head huddling toward my door steps, pushing the key in the knob with the strength to kill a man. Soaking wet, I pushed off my casual shoes with one feet and another, here I am the moment I been waiting for. Pressing the power button for my computer never felt so good, logged in "Facebook" requested a friend acceptance. A part of me felt like life was complete; as I did my daily chores, the boring assignments for school. 1:12 am was the moment the red notification with her name on it felt as if I won a small lottery. Excited as ever I continued with my plan set in motion, I really needed to find out more about this girl. We talked about trivial things, exchanged contacts, and I felt myself losing my "cool", quickly I told her good night as I can no longer talk to her like a decent human being with out the need to becoming the normal creep that I am. I had to stop myself, it ended on a good night.

The following day was like all other Thursday, I did my studies; went to the supermarket after class, bought my usual snacks, came home. With no replies from her, I felt abit saddened. Maybe she wasn't as interested as I was, but why should that sole though stop me from trying. Suddenly as I was going to stare at walls and hit myself with the guitar for entertainment, a sound from the computer that everyone is familiar with, I got a message! I was happy just from communicating with this girl on the internet. We talked about feelings and life this second time around, then we agreed to see each other tomorrow after my exam. A date? Maybe just a friendly meet up I didn't stress on what her intentions were I just know I was happy, she made me happy and that alone is enough.

As I nervously waited in my car, she text me informing she was near. Finally the moment came, I see her advancing towards me getting closer and closer; my heart is being pulled by the dense nervousness. Killing me with her smile, I put up no effort to resist this trap, my hearts being stolen away pieces at a time . I had this thing, this person, this beautiful charming girl, this magnificent work of god, in my car. What should I do with it? I ask myself countless times. Maybe I should feed it, so off we went. Queens Crossing was where we decided to eat because of the convenience that it would be next to the parking lot which my car has been poorly parked, uneven as always. I focused all my attention and I couldn't get my mind on anything but this... Girl. As I forced myself to eat as much as possible, she offered me her drink, this is like an indirect kiss? Perhaps I'm being too extent with what is a kiss and not. While in a magical place, I got slapped by the loud screeching song "Canon in D" snapping me back to reality. It was my phone, my cousin speaking so politely and sweet as usual when he needs the car to pick up his girlfriend. Immediately, as I ended the call a shadow appeared and tapped me on the shoulder, quickly I turned back to inspect who could it possibly be to disturb me at this time. It was one of the girls I was seeing long ago, ancient times, those memories has already fossilized to me. One thing I do remember is, she wasn't very fond of me for the fact that I dated multiple girls back then. Swiftly after that incident, we got in my car, we looked at each other and just smiled, she was excited to come over my place, and I was excited to show her my room. The place I spent most of my life in, my personality flows across every picture on every wall. The atmosphere of my aura and thoughts are laying dormant in the way I laid out the furniture.

As we drove on the highway, no traffic is spotted, we should arrive within twenty minutes. A phone call is being constantly made to her, as she pulls it out, the look on her face, troubled and tense. She picked up and talked with a tone not caring the consequences of her words. I could not hold my laughter in, for I knew exactly what was happening. We got to my place at the middle of the night, we talked about many theories and concepts on life, it was philosophy class all over again. My moral compress being tested, my sanity and thoughts about life being threaten by this girl. For the first time in my life, I questioned if what I have been doing, my life style, my actions. Are they right? What is right? Is their such a thing as the wrong way of living? Is justice even involved in love. Are there rules and laws one must a bind too? One has the right to pursuit for serotonin and dopamine, but what if it included hurting another human being. Emotional casualties in the game of love, someone always gets hurt, damaged and scarred. As she talked about her miserable life, "bumming" around in the streets of flushing, losing every purpose of life, no motivation to do anything as days passes by becoming months. A factory out of production, only polluting the air. At this specific moment I had set a goal in my heart to help her with the power within me, my soul, my body, my heart; definitely was at stake. How could I help her though? I'm I really helping her or only myself. My selfish need to have someone for me to love and care for? As I organized my thoughts, we laid next to each other in one of my beds. I haven't laid on this bed for years, it had too much memories I wish to avoid. The fragments of serenity becoming dust within my mind, dust that never clears, and clouds my judgments. For a brief moment, it has been all blown away, completely clear as the blue sky in the summer days of my childhood. As I hugged her I knew then what was right, I had the confident I once felt years ago.

No matter what I do in life, I know it would be for the best, my intentions are good. Therefore I will have no regrets, no matter how disastrous the outcome may be. The smell of her soft sweater, puts me at ease. She turned around as I wrapped my hands on her waist, she appeared to be out of energy not from physical labor in the day, but her mind was being crushed with pressure and anxiety. This here felt real, my feelings and thoughts are in sync, I am being honest with myself. I like her, I truly like her as I told myself repeatedly. I leaned my head forward and smelled her neck, kissing her slowly as softly as I possibly could, my lips embraced her pudding skin on her cheek. It wasn't much but I felt happy, at peace just because of this. My fingers flows with her curvy slopes, as I played a piano piece on her body. At times we looked deeply at each others eyes, as i try to solve this puzzle. Does she feel the same way I did? I hoped and prayed like any human being in dying need of assistance. I gathered up any tiny bit of energy left in my body, and kissed her small pink lips, soft and smooth. I realize then, I want to be doing this everyday of my life, I want to hug her, kiss her, show her my love, use the limited time of my ever so expiring life span with this specific girl, no one else. Invincible, no one could stop me from pursuing this passion in my heart. As her friends called her more frequently asking her where abouts, I felt more worried. I felt sorry for her mom whom I must be hurting. I quickly decided rational and logically to drive her back, explain to her friends what was going on, so we all can continue on with life.

Not knowing that most of the people involved in this incident had no life, no purpose to do anything beneficial for society or the need to provide for whom they loved. As we got in the car, she shivered and looked at me, her cute face melting away all the rough edges of my past. My sweater never looked so good before until she wore it, I gave her my blanket in the trunk. Off we went, to the unknown consequences I had to face. Approaching her friend slowly as I pressed on the brakes, she said good bye and left to go inside the pool hall filled with teenagers, as she passed the crowd of kids, I missed her presence next to mine already. Suddenly a tall teenager in black appeared and asked to speak with me, to question me about what I did, I could of left and said my personal life is not a public book, I do what I wish if it was not illegal. Instead my heart longed to see her again, and complied with his wishes. I parked my car, slowly trying to make it straight for the first time in front of this crowd, failing once again. But I got out, closed the door softly. As we walked down the dark shady block, I am being interrogated by this teenager. I was not scared to tell the truth, nor did I hide any feelings. What I did was true to me, and right in every possible way, I loved being with her. As we crossed and turned the corner three more thuggish looking fellows appeared. I looked at them with a strange look, is this how people resolved things here in Flushing? Can their immature actions really do anything other then cause more harm then good? This was truly a waste of time. They did not wish to even hear anything I were to say, they wanted to punish me for liking someone with all my heart. I took a punch for this girl that night, this undoubtingly had not changed how I felt about her. Everything was the same, except I got beaten up. This is the mentality of human life being deprived of education and enlightenment. The days spent sitting around smoking, drinking, in a pool hall infested with unintelligent life. Has resulted in these actions; I could totally understand. I wish no harm to these kids, I wanted no revenge, nor did I plan to press any charges. The only thing they lost was my help, but my desire to help this innocent girl stuck in this life still remained. More solid then hours ago, I set my mind on it. To forgive and forget, if I were to see them again, I would treat them like any other, with respect and manners.

That night as I drove home with the sound of shattering glass, cracked and splintering down my thighs from the broken windshield. I walked in my room exhausted, with only one thing in mind. I had to explain myself, to her most importantly, sleep didn't matter. She was too precious to me, I wanted no misunderstandings. I wanted her to know my true intentions, my desire to see her once again grew as every hour passed. I waited till it was time for me to leave for work, taking public transportation never felt so tiring. I wanted to close my eyes, I needed to rest my mind. Fatigue was creeping on my back, struggling just to keep my eyes open. I got to work earlier then usual, as I walked in the front door I looked at everyone and nodded without uttering a word to my co workers and proceeded to do what I have been doing for months, the same repetition to make the money needed to provide for myself and the friends around me. I wanted to be a responsible person, someone whom anyone can rely on. Laziness was a trait I despised the most it was the reason for many of my problems, and I wish to get rid of every strand related to this trait. Like all tough things in life, they come to an end. I got my stuff and hopped on the next express bus to Jamaica center to meet my Korean friends in Flushing. I knew my body was tired, it was begging for mercy. Every chance i got to sit, my eyes deeply desires to shut, the muscles in my leg loosens up, my arm drops like rubber. My mind controls my body, i told myself with a forceful tone, the stop is here, get up and move on. As i walk down the long blocks of Northern Blvd to meet my friends whom i was longing to see for the past weeks. I though about her once again... the memories of us in my room comes rushing back. A surreal feeling and pleasure i got from rewatching this in my mind, my own personal theater was exceptionally better then any movie i have ever witness with my eyes. The satisfation and contentment that felt from just from knowing she cares about me was enough to keep myself moving.

We ate at a korean restraurant, the air filled with laughter, as i looked at my friends, my mind evaporating toward a third person view. I wanted to drink, til my mind was empty transiently. While i was in this state, my phone rang, the song "Canon in D" this time felt more beautiful then ever. Most certainly it was because she called, as i picked up, i felt calm and ready for anything. I asked if she was okay, her whereabouts, if she wanted to see me. But really i just wanted to see her, i didn't care that i didn't sleep for days, i didn't care how i looked. What matters is, she and I are in this world together, and i can physically see her at that current time. However, I knew in my heart she would say no, so we hung up and i continued to drink the soju mixed with sprint, enjoying the night with my friends.

The following day was tedious and boring as always, the things i use to have pleasure in doing felt different this time around, perhaps it was the lack of energy in my body. Playing handball was not the same, losing my motivation to win; if i was to ever win something i wanted it to be her heart. Life was dull once again, i needed to see her, I've become an addict for her presence next to mine. We scheduled a meet up on monday night, around 6 pm. My mind of course was filled with joy, overly excited to see her once more. Expectations were high, I assumed she feels the same way i did. As i waited listening to the classical piano, with every note matching my heart beat. Was it love? maybe too soon, infatuation? perhaps.

I waited for her... my mind weary, my eyes losing to gravity, exhausted as ever. And then i waited some more, hours passing by, not much went through my mind. I trusted she would come, I believe with every inch of my body, that she would. I felt the air getting thicker, it was hard to breathe, my lungs expanding longer then normal. Anxiety tiptoeing toward my thoughts, I was scared. I couldn't take the pressure anymore, I ran out to look for her, I wanted to find her, my source of energy. As i walked down the block toward main street, she was sitting at queens crossing, wearing a sad tired face. Two of her girlfriends surrounded her, i knew she wanted to leave, she was stuck in a trap. I could do nothing but watch, I felt a pain in my heart, not knowing what to do. But i missed her so very much, I couldn't go home now. I wanted to stay with her, even if i had to fake a smile. Pretending i don't like her, it was too hard to hide. I was always an honest person, I never saw a good reason to lie. As i sat next to her, having to restrain myself from looking at her eyes, from holding her. My heart ached, it was an intense pain that took tremendous amount of will power to resist. Could i really put on a act right here and now? for the remaining of the night? I tried as hard as i could.

She was not fond of my aura, and i am sorry for that. It was bleeding out of me, I couldn't hold it in, overflowing my senses. The way i held the hot tea deligently as possible i could not hold a firm grip, the way i could no longer raise my voice, i spoke whispers. I looked at the floor, the ceiling, the people around me. I couldn't look at her with my eyes filled with sorrow like this. In everything i did, was a touch of a true pessimist. I wanted to express my emotions, I wanted to tell her everything on my mind. However i couldn't, and this affected me to not function properly. I waited till the moment she would tell me, "let's get out of here" but that moment never came that night. As the clock struck midnight, she left with her friend and never came back.

I waited some more after that, I drove around thinking, analyzing, being a critic of my own life. What has happened today? Nothing progressed, I don't know what are her intentions, I am clueless on her feelings toward me. Is this a waste of time? Everything she has told me, are lies? Her friends make me believe so, but she makes me think other wise. I trust her, was this the very core of the problem? The trust i have? I drove home that night, with all my questions unanswerered. It has been 5 days now, since the last time she last slept in my bed. And for those 5 days i have slept with her jacket, the scent of her eases my worries, my mind at peace. I cuddled with this piece of clothing It was the one thing closest to her i had in my possession. I treasured it, i cuddled with it, i stuffed my face in it as i slept. The loud thumbing sound in my head, slowly fading. I missed her, the way her voice sounds, the way she looks at me, the way she dances while walking down the busy streets.



I woke up after twelve hours, I wouldn't say i had a good rest, I felt heavy. My mind carrying too many questions that wishes to be answered. So i laid there, putting out the questions in my head like criminals being investigated. All lined up in order, and organized, It was time for me to put out the facts i know about this girl. Firstly, she lied about her age stating she was 20, but i know she was younger. Then we have her lying about her drug usage, telling me she has never tried marijuana , or any sort of other subtances. Which i found out last night, her friend asking her to smoke, her friend also stating she has done it many times before. Making matters worst upon questioning her drug usage to her guy friend, he mention she has tried "K" once also at a party. Most importantly, she has a boyfriend that she has never mentioned to me, and continues to act as if he never existed. However there is still some good points to consider, as we talked when she was over my place, she did mention that she wanted to get rid of her life style, wanted to be motivated and be her realself again. This was the life that was destorying her and she knew it. She also lies about these things so that i will not look down upon her, telling me she does lie a lot only because their are things i better not know. And the lies she tells are the things she wish was real.

As i labeled out all her flaws, I accepted every one of them about her. Her crazy overprotective guy friends, the relationship with her boyfriend that is soon to collapse on it's own, the drug fiend girlfriend that she hangs out with, the lies she constantly tells. But as i closely think about her, i am soon faced with a question i wish to not answer yet. Is all this worth it? If i somehow managed to get her to love me, to be with me. Will she still lie? will she still be in this life? I wondered about that for the rest of the day. This question burning into my conscious, i needed to think about something else. I did push ups, as many as i could, until i felt the harden floor. And then i did some more; till my arms begged for mercy. Still my mind was fixated on her, i hated this feeling.

Regardless of everything of how i felt, of how much she means to me, the dent she left in my heart. I couldn't have a relationship with her in all seriousness; i had to face reality. She doesn't feel the same way i did, this was true in all aspects, from the way she avoids my text messages, from the way she ignores my phone calls. We rarely see eachother, no matter how much effort i put into it, how much i waited. Things will never be the way i picture them to be; how i long for this fantasy; this world of happiness that i pursuit. I had to let her be, she was a free bird with a lover. I am a mere stranger trying to steal her away. I must let her fly, to choose where she goes, to do the things that made her happy. In the mean time i'll wait for her, from a distance. As a friend, a good friend, one that will help her from this miserable tragedy, and hopefully it might turn into something magnificent. Like the Disney movies, the beautiful tales of love that everyone wish upon themselves, I too also believe in miracles.

However, there is one thing that stands true to me till this day from all the relationships i have been in, when someone takes you for granted, you pull out. Never give your heart to someone who doesn't treat it right. Save it for those who will cherish it, a girl who would do the same for you, and even more. Showing you how beautiful love is, with actions not just words, making you feel captivated by her intention. That is how you know she is the one, who you're willing to give everything up.


CHAPTER 2 - Friends -

Trying to forget her, my mind tend to other matters of importance to me. A close friend by the name of Saibal, originally from Bangladesh, moving to America with his mother and father in law. He also could not avoid this danger of the dreaded life of drugs and hardship; the countless amont of alcohol will never be enough to ease his pain. As i recall, my first time meeting him, he was the typical depressed teenager, wearing fully black, gothic attire. priecing in his tongue, his lip, a gapping hole in his ear. However, he was extremely friendly and behaves at the very edge of being a homosexual. Always playing nervous touching games of private areas with his male companions. I don't ever remembering a instance that he ever lost that game, yet i have never doubted his sexuality. He was that sort of person, emotionally unstable, resorting to guilty pleasures and the quick getaway of escaping his world of responsibilities and loniness. After days of hanging out, playing our favorite sports, having deep talks on his couch as i slept over. He told me things, he never told anyone, secrets we shared, the bonds we built. He was in love with a girl once, but of course with all teenage lovers, it quickly ended in mishaps, cheating, and deceit. The family love he never gotten, the early death of his biological father, the mother that he always neglected because of his weak heart.

He was lazy, unresponsible, but a good friend, he treated me like family, a family he never had. His subsitute love for his brother, toward me. As we grew close, I felt the need to be in his life, to be the positive influance in all the bad that has smudged him of all his innocence. What ever we had, we shared it together, the food, the money, the friends. I knew in the back of my mind this was all a temporarily fix. I needed to tell him, I needed to be his father, his brother, his adviser, and guidance. But how? How could i be all of this at my age? I haven't even finish school yet, no stable job, making enough only to provide for myself. The only thing i could do with all my power is to be by his side, watching him self destruct, witnessing a murder scene, and he was the killer. With no job in sight, money was the bomb, the girlfriend that he loves so very much currently would be the trigger.

Recently i have gotten close with a korean guy by the name of "Kyo" the nickname we all call him, because the pronunciation of his real one was exceedingly difficult. A engineer student in seoul, part time construction worker. Using his life time savings to come over all the way to America, simply to learn the language. The language was so important to Koreans, he says I could get the most beautiful girls in Korea if i was to ever go over there and teach them! How exciting that made me feel, as a last resort. If my life here in New York City was sent to the dumpster. Ha ha! No problem, go to Korean and teach pretty young college girls how to say "master do whatever you want to me". Jokes aside, I love this guy, he was highly motivated to work hard, earn money and spend it all to have a good time with his friends. Like most of the Koreans i knew that was older then me, he was extremely intelligent in the mathematical field. Not only was he smart, he was strong, no i mean real strong. I worked out daily, doing push ups till i dropped on the floor, yet this guy makes me feel like an ant. Indirectly crushing my self esteem, however i could never get bored around this guy. Perhaps it was the way he talked, he barely could say "I want to go to the bathroom" as a full on sentence.

As i listen to his fustration on the way he had to live, forcing himself to speak to strangers just to get familiar with the English language, working at a Korean restraurant knowing it's the only place he could get a job; But also knowing he can't really learn much because of this. His shyness was a huge conflict in his determination to improve vocally. He never talks to anyone who spoke fluently, with out becoming numb, awkward, and tense, with me being the exception. I wish i could help him, I wanted to give him all my time, however i have my own life to worry about. So my first question comes back to mind, what is a good friend? Was the time i devoted to him enough? Why do I have the constant desire to do more, why do i always feel I have the resources to help those around me but not knowing how? This irritates me, this fustration made me think carefully about the mysterious of life. Nonetheless i did realize something, I know what i wanted to set out to do, one of those things anyway, surely with all my heart, to be a good friend; whatever that may be.

What makes a really good friend? I never could really answer this correctly. But as i live life day by day enteracting with all of them, i slowly gain the knowledge to feel the very edge of the real answer. Friends of all nationality, all ages, and families. Was being a good friend, being of use, beneficial toward them? helping them to answer their problems? or the dependability and responsibility of being a person, never being lazy and careless. What about being understanding, knowing ones feeling, in their eyes, having a moral compress knowing the right and wrong thing to do. Was it all of these things together? As years pass by, i set out to be all of the things i have learned. Never forgetting my past, remembering my mistakes, forgiving those who hurt me. Promise to never take anything for granted, loving people with all my heart.
1347 cr points
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23 / M
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Posted 5/5/12
Well, you have grammar mistakes; but the way you have written the story is great!

It really caught my attention (I finished about 3 paragraphs); too bad I'm not into Romance at all.
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