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Post Your Favourite Jokes
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102 / F / USA
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Posted 8/5/12 , edited 8/5/12
1. What did the sign on the whorehouse door say?
.

2. What's worse than having a dead skunk on your piano?


3. What can a bird do that a man can't?
.

4.1/2 Sisters
On Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom! I have
some great news for you. I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in the
world. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk to you.
Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years she is
wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I use to fool around a lot with woman. Susan Hoffman is actually your
half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was heartbroken, After eight months he started dating girls again. A
year later he came home and very proudly annouced, "Diane said yes! We're
getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the news:
"Diane, is your half sister too, George. I am awfully sorry about all this."

George was livid! He finally decided to share this with his mother. "Dad has
done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," He complained.
Everytime I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Ha!" his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to
what he says. He's not really your father."
eos 
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21 / M / New York
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Posted 8/5/12 , edited 8/5/12

Do not open unless you're allowed to see mild swearing.
Posted 8/5/12

a619ko wrote:


gaara579 wrote:

How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
Just Juan.




Only one I could think of sorry.
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99 / M / New York City
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Posted 8/5/12
How was Thor when he was drunk?

Hammered

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his own field

What do you call a singing computer?

A dell..

:P
Posted 8/5/12
They're not exactly jokes, but I'd say practically everything Mitch Hedberg says. I won't post any because as far as I know, which is just an assumption, cursing here is not allowed.

OH WELL!

"I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the f**k would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!" So it said, "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one f***in' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bi***h. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, f***er! The last payment must be made in wampum!"

"I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f***r gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!""

that was two, too. I'm sorry. I just really love Mitch Hedberg.
Posted 8/6/12 , edited 8/6/12
How do you stop a black dude from jumping on your bed?
-Put velcro on the ceiling.
V
How do you remove him from the ceiling?
-Tell the Mexicans it's a pinata.
V
How do you clean up the mess?
-Tell the Koreans there was a dogfight.



Why do Jews have such large noses?
-Because air is free.

Why did the Jews spend so many years lost in the desert?
-One of them dropped a dime.

What does the black kid get for his birthday?
-YOUR bike.

Why do black people run so fast?
-All the slow ones are in jail.

How do you start a parade in Mexico?
-Roll a quarter down the street.

Who is the richest person in Mexico?
-The person who gets the quarter.

How do you get a bunch of Mexicans into a van?
-Throw in a quarter.

How do you get them out?
-Throw in a bar of soap.

How do you blindfold an Asian?
-With dental floss.

An Asian guy with a boner runs into a wall. What hits the wall first?
-His nose.

How do Asian parents name their children?
-They throw bags of silverware down the stairs.

How do you sink a Chinese battle ship?
-Put it into the water.


These can be really offensive but I find them to be hilarious As long as nobody takes it too seriously, the race card is the funniest one
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Posted 8/6/12
Where did Sally and Susan go when the bomb exploded?


Everywhere!
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M / CEO / Creative Di...
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Posted 8/6/12
Since the post above is about Sally.

Why did sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Me: Knock Knock?
You: Who's there?
Me: Not Sally.

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Posted 8/6/12

Watermelonheaven wrote:

These can be really offensive but I find them to be hilarious As long as nobody takes it too seriously, the race card is the funniest one




LOL

Posted 8/6/12 , edited 8/6/12

Kriminology_ wrote:


Watermelonheaven wrote:

These can be really offensive but I find them to be hilarious As long as nobody takes it too seriously, the race card is the funniest one




LOL



Hey, you gotta admit the racist or messed up jokes are probably the funniest ones, haha
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Posted 8/6/12 , edited 8/6/12

Watermelonheaven wrote:


Kriminology_ wrote:


Watermelonheaven wrote:

These can be really offensive but I find them to be hilarious As long as nobody takes it too seriously, the race card is the funniest one




LOL



Hey, you gotta admit the racist or messed up jokes are probably the funniest ones, haha


hahaha yea you're right.

Posted 10/7/12
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1dqYi3zZGI
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24 / F / Sexual Chocolate
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Posted 10/7/12
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to change the lightbulb, two to organize a potluck, and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.

What is the leading cause of death in lesbians?
Hairballs.

And while I won't type it out because it'd be cheating I love "The Aristocrats".
Posted 10/7/12

Pomff "The Aristocrats".


I could use thats a response for everything not a bad thing : ) , i just love that joke XD
a619ko 
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Posted 10/7/12

Pomff wrote:

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to change the lightbulb, two to organize a potluck, and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.

What is the leading cause of death in lesbians?
Hairballs.

And while I won't type it out because it'd be cheating I love "The Aristocrats".


Why all the lesbian jokes? Jeez....I was gonna tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.

Vagina jokes aren't funny either. Period.

I also hate cripple jokes. Can't stand them.
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