The Legend of Quadragon
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Posted 8/19/12
I loved Percy Jackson/Kane Chronicles, Lost Universe (anime) and incorporated some of my depression from ages ago into this.

Chapter 1
I Get Very Angry

I did not want the life I have, nor did I expect what was to come. I am a criminal hunter by the name of Quadragon, this is my story.
But first, I must describe myself; I have dark brown hair that goes down to the top of my shoulder blades, my build between very muscular, and average, I have gray eyes, my height is six feet and four inches , age twenty seven and my weight.... that's hard to explain without being conflicting with my appearance.
In all honesty, I may be a jerk hunter, but my job annoys me so much since most of my life was learning how to fight, being told not to question who I am or where I come from, fighting criminals almost every week and being told I am the ultimate being and not know why. There were also times where I was given discriminatory comments for being easily upset, not liking violence unless it was for sport or in a silly cartoon and even called robot for my limited interests and lack of social skills as a result of Aspergers Syndrome. Let me tell you, being labeled an inferior for it was not exactly the most balanced thing to say.
When not playing superhero, I like to watch movies, read books, watch cheesy commercials, write song lyrics designed to be so bad it's funny, run, swim, comic books, and animated media.
My history was much more than an overwhelming amount of work and recreation, as I had people who knew me from all over the place who all had their respective problems that didn't give me such exaggerated, unemotional praise at almost any moment, they were the closest thing to family I had ever known.
To begin, it was just another day at my home which is also my workplace another, "EMERGENCY ALERT," woke me up as I live on a space colony named Lumin-Umbra, or Light-Dark in some other language.
“Why can’t the people on the colony do anything for themselves?” I spoke aloud. As soon as I got out of my bed that had a white pillow that had a bird-like design and a black blanket with the look of a bat‘s wing, I got into my combat clothes.

My attire was essentially a black jumpsuit with white armor consisting of fore arm protection possessing a spike-like point in the back in case I did not have enough time to turn around in a fight accompanied by partial gloves only covering my backhands and phalanges, the fore legs and boots were heavy on me for a time but gave me above average leaping ability.
The main torso was nothing too fancy other than the giant robot-like cover of my chest and then there was my favorite weapon which was made by a friend of mine, we called it the Great Radiance Amplifying Mechanism or G.R.A.M for short. This thing was really cool and got me out of a few pinches before with its abilities, but I will get to that later. Though I will say that it did start out as a pseudo-spherical item with plastic, rock and metal
attributes whenever touching it was needed, it could have been the hilt of some sort of weapon. My gloves were made with my palms exposed, as I can’t use G.R.A.M without it due to being made using emotion and brainwave technology.
I bolted out the room and made my way to the command room, in this fortress with the radiance of the infinite stars glistening in the scenery. Such a dance of pleasant bliss among the power beyond these windows of confinement.

I paused when I thought of other worlds in this time, made a somewhat sad face and looked away from my path, came to a halt and thought to myself, “I want to be loved, not worshipped mindlessly, who am I? Where do I belong?” these questions have haunted me for years.
For as long as I can remember, I was seeking answers about my identity and who’s family I belong to, but nobody here ever answered me directly. All I was told was, you are the ultimate being, you can make the greatest problems go away.
What in the name of all logic were they talking about? I am not a robot, I'm just a
guy who happens to live on a space station, fighting discrimination and feels more like a damsel-in-distress than a hero.
I envy those who live on planets, such beautiful skies, plants all around, mountains, animals.
When I continued walking, some people and maybe a few robots were all wishing me luck when I want love, not mindless, false adoration for every little thing.

Upon arriving to the command room, I heard an overly familiar voice, “PLEASE ENTER THE PASSCODE NOW,” I rolled my eyes in boredom and entered my code.

When I entered, my boss for the day had apparently been expecting me in what would look like a stereotypical court room, if it weren‘t for the giant computer monitor. My current supervisor was a woman I knew since I was a child. Her appearance had long gray hair down to her back’s end, brown eyes, skin so peculiar you could not tell what age she was, ranging from adolescence to a granny, a dress with a mysterious design covering her from the bottom of her neck down except her hands, there was a jet black bat wing on the left of the design on her back and a white bird on the right, just like my bed, other than that the right side was black and the left was
white, but even weirder, the black sections looked like they were made of leather and the white sections looked like
they were silky.

Her name was Helena. There was a reason she had me see her here in the courtroom for a mission briefing; she was the incredibly powerful judge of every criminal that I brought in.

Though she was very nice to me, she had a dark side, one so scary I couldn't believe it was the same person. For example: three years ago by Lumin-Umbra's orbit around the sun (gravity device maintains it), I brought a criminal wanted for putting lethal drugs on the market back to the station and as I attended the hearing, she got so undeniably angry at the criminal for admitting their desire to make people suffer, kill unborn babies and cough up blood as they horridly die that she snapped her fingers and was given a scythe made of bright gray obsidian by her guards, and out of anger for his cruelty, she got out of her chair and approached him while he was in chains and raised her scythe over him and... well, you know what happened. She was not one to play games when cruelty occurred, she made sure the criminals knew that they're deeds were they're own undoing.
“Quadragon, you know I always dress for
special occasions, this time we have a very
special assignment for you.”
She sounded assuring that this was the last time I would be risking my existence in extreme circumstances.
“Do tell, I am anxious to know what I have to do this time.”
She turned on the monitor that explained my orders. The monitor said this:

BIOLOGICAL WEAPON DETECTED IN THE OLYMPUS GALAXY, TARGET HAS BEEN MADE BY CRIMINAL SCIENTISTS TO BE USED FOR TERRORISM. ENEMY IS A FUSION OF MONKEY’S HEAD, RACOON DOG’S BODY, TIGER’S LEGS AND A SERPENT FOR A TAIL. MONSTER HAS BEEN CONFIRMED AS THE FIRST OF THE NUE PROJECT. DISPATCH AND DESTROY IT, GOOD LUCK

“So basically, someone was putting mammals and reptiles in a blender and only I can stop it, right?”
“If you want to put it that way, yes. I have had modifications to your ship made for this mission, as you will need corrosive-resistant paints to protect the exterior, laser cannons have been added, as well as a warp drive for insurance of getting to the Olympus Galaxy fast enough."
I frowned at being in danger once more, a feeling of stress overcame my being, "Helena," I paused, "why am I the only one doing all these absurd missions? Is there really no one else who can do all this?"
She gave a sad smile, "Quadragon, I will look into the reason since I'm off work today after this briefing."
"Thank you, are there any details you need to give me you may have forgotten?"
"Yes, there is." I assumed this was going to be bad news, but her smile said this was something good, "I was told to give you this book from the library downstairs."
She reached into a file cabinet and blew the dust off this brown colored book that said:
Tales Of Another Realm
Collected By

The authors were missing, but I immediately wondered what this book has to do with slaying bio weapons.
"QUADRAGON PLEASE REPORT TO STARSHIP HERMES A.S.A.P" I heard on the alarm.
Hope this is my last annoyance for a while, I thought to myself.
"Good luck and come back safely," Helen said kindly. Such a wonderful feeling of warmth enveloped me whenever she talked to me in the manner that she did. As it happened quite often as I was growing up.

As a child, I always liked being around Helena as she was something of a surrogate mother to me even whenever I got injured in training, she went so far with helping me that she had really angry dogs who were always looking for fresh meat to hunt protecting me around the clock. She often hugged me when I got sick, which eased my colds and flu (possibly with anti-bacterial formula in her clothes).

I smiled to her and said, "see ya later!" with a thumbs up and immediately proceeded to reach my ship which was in the docking bay on the highest floor. The elevator across the courtroom came quickly and proceeded to the bay where my Hermes ship was located once I got off.

The scenery in the hallway was consisting of plastics like you would see on an airplane, the occasional button or security camera on the walls and so this was not very exciting. The only cool thing about the hallway preceding my destination that was even remotely note worthy was that the floor was made of marble and that was awesome beyond belief.

After having my eye scanned by the security camera, I gazed upon my starship which never ceased to amaze me.
The Hermes was one ship that had style to it. It had an almost mechanical arm-like design on either side with an engine where the palm would be, no fingers were there, but robotic wings were on the side of both arms, plating above the arms, the center area had a semi-triangular cockpit that was not pointed and was for combat when needed.

The paint job was very close to my tastes, the left side was red, the right was blue and the center was purple, all in metallic colors of course. I could tell Helena had went all out with hiring someone good with paint jobs, but I knew only one person who was this good with technological arts, the one who made my G.R.A.M, the friend from long ago who was gone for many years.
“You old fart, come out!”

As I expected, it was my old friend and mentor with understanding machines, Bephaestus, but I only saw his face.
Bephaestus was a legendary mechanic as he made my ship out of scrap metal from a war some time ago, and made G.R.A.M
augmented with such cleverly made tools and forms that I had only figured out how to use three of its forms and one tool. I could make a grappling hook from it and use G.R.A.M as a laser knife or staff.

My mentor for so many years did not have it all though as he was deformed. He mentioned being tossed off of a mountain as a child, barely lived and certainly was having some parts of his face in uncommon areas, part of his upper face looked as if it were smashed in. His brown hair was rather wavy in the back, but bald on the sides, front and top. He looked like a hunchback in a way and his skin was somewhat blue from often receiving malnutrition and too much time being around hazardous gases when working.
“Its...” he paused as he often did, “good to see you again.”

What shocked me was that when he came out to show more of himself, he had some mechanical parts covering his left hand, lower right arm and the left cheek.

“WHAT IN HELEN’S NAME HAPPENED TO YOU!?!?” I shouted in total shock.
My happy reunion with him was turned very sour to see him like this. I had seen much horror, but this pushed my buttons into o shall we say hyperactive revenge mode to say the least.

“A terrifying monster from another world, judged me for my appearance, hunted me down and ripped tissue from my body off, I had to use reconstruction surgery to save myself from falling apart even more.”

Damn it! I thought. I was cooped up here thanks to locks on my ship and someone so critical to who and what I am was reduced to this state, seriously these prejudiced bombards were a royal pain.

“Come on, we’re going to go teach the discriminatory barbarians a thing or two!”
I was ready to run up the automated staircase which responded to my brainwaves, but then I saw another problems with Bephaestus; he was on a crutch.

Seriously, the very reason I lived up until now, he who was gone since over fifteen years ago, when I was a preteen, now was reduced to this. I felt anger and sadness, my life had bombarded me with prejudiced cruelty happening to myself and others. Some of it was so dark I cannot mention it without shedding such tears of rage.
“Let me help you old friend.” I said in undeniable concern.
“No, I can’t help you in my condition.” he said huffing.

I didn’t care, I grabbed him regardless and carried him up the stairs leading to the center of the Hermes, ordering the door to close with my will as we entered.
As soon as I got in, I called for the will-power activated elevator, and it opened immediately next to the entrance. I put him down carefully in the elevator.
Medical Chamber!, I ordered the elevator. It went very quickly to the room while I went straight to the pilot's chamber.

I was really going to have a word with the evil abominations that did this.
There was a countdown sequence before launch, as soon as it said 0, I squeezed my arms on those thrusters and went into the beautiful stars ready to see the wonders of the universe once more, this is where I felt the most alive!
























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Posted 8/29/12

SonicGenesisKing wrote:



I tried to read this but after the first paragraph, I just couldn't continue. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have to spell out your character for me. Who actually talks that much about themselves, anyways? "First I need to tell you how I look" ...What? Right off the bat I get a feeling that the character you're trying to describe to me is a narcissistic asshole that only care about himself. He might as well be Kusco (Emperor's New Groove reference). But even Kusco didn't go into as much detail as you are about your character. I get your character has Asperger's, which means he can focus too much on one thing specifically but I didn't get much of that feeling from the character.

Do you, author, have Asperger's? If you don't, you might want to look up the symptoms and how people have it react in a social world, like this guy seems to be in. When I tried to fast forward and read his interactions with other characters, I was hoping to see the awkwardness that insues for the other party (and for the person with Asperger's) as they start to explain things that are pretty much boring to other people in such intricate detail without knowing when to stop talking. Most people who have this version of Asperger's fight with themselves to simply keep their mouth shut.

There is a lot happening in this first chapter (I assume it's the chapter). I feel like you should take a look at this and break it down. Take out the whole description paragraphs. I don't care about his weight or exact height. I don't much care for what he's wearing. These are details you can include as Quadragon interacts with other people.

My advice? Scrap and start completely over. In college I was told, "Show rather than tell". I think you should try to take that into consideration. You're doing a lot of telling and not enough showing.
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Posted 8/29/12

Kerensa wrote:


SonicGenesisKing wrote:



I tried to read this but after the first paragraph, I just couldn't continue. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have to spell out your character for me. Who actually talks that much about themselves, anyways? "First I need to tell you how I look" ...What? Right off the bat I get a feeling that the character you're trying to describe to me is a narcissistic asshole that only care about himself. He might as well be Kusco (Emperor's New Groove reference). But even Kusco didn't go into as much detail as you are about your character. I get your character has Asperger's, which means he can focus too much on one thing specifically but I didn't get much of that feeling from the character.

Do you, author, have Asperger's? If you don't, you might want to look up the symptoms and how people have it react in a social world, like this guy seems to be in. When I tried to fast forward and read his interactions with other characters, I was hoping to see the awkwardness that insues for the other party (and for the person with Asperger's) as they start to explain things that are pretty much boring to other people in such intricate detail without knowing when to stop talking. Most people who have this version of Asperger's fight with themselves to simply keep their mouth shut.

There is a lot happening in this first chapter (I assume it's the chapter). I feel like you should take a look at this and break it down. Take out the whole description paragraphs. I don't care about his weight or exact height. I don't much care for what he's wearing. These are details you can include as Quadragon interacts with other people.

My advice? Scrap and start completely over. In college I was told, "Show rather than tell". I think you should try to take that into consideration. You're doing a lot of telling and not enough showing.


I do have Aspergers, I wanted to test this out with "normal" people to get feedback before I went into writing it on a pro level so I get the right balance between character dialogue and details. Thanks for the feedback!
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