I wrote a intro to a novel.
64405 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / M / Norway
Offline
Posted 11/21/12 , edited 11/22/12
Please forgive my editing skills, because this was written in word 30min ago. Inspired by "Joshua James - Coal War" I am from Norway so please forgive my poor English.


The storm barked, and howled. Oh it burned, and even the blisters froze. Even so, she walked with a foul determined glimmer in her eye. It was a fierce glimmer neither her silhouette, nor the storm could shroud. No man alive couldn’t help, but think twice about crossing her path. Her path was dark as the winter Eve, cold as snow and deep as an oak tree's roots, dared to grow. Nevertheless, she didn’t falter. She had a stillness about her. Such as you could only find in the heart of a storm. The storm loathed that silence and like a wolf bearing its teeth. The stillness it had once loved and now forgotten, had been found and acquired by this woman. The storm came crashing down upon her, but still the women remained resolute. The storm grew curious, slowly but steadily. Why would the women not falter? It knew she would die eventually, because such were the laws of nature. The storm which was unmistakably free, feared most of all being chained. It couldn’t allow this question to confine him. “Quickly you have to ask her before she dies." Whispering, hastening and annoying thought the storm to himself. It made a contorted peculiar gesture in the pursuit of relief; no mortal had ever witnessed before. I must be growing old. During my younger days, something like this wouldn’t bother me. I have fought the remorseful Hjoln and slayed ten thousand men. Even Kings has crumbled before my will. So why will she not bend before me? It didn’t take too long before the women started to bemuse him and slowly each stroke he threw grew weaker. He was literally dying to know what made her so different. He had never hesitated killing a mortal before. “The laws of nature can’t be ignored. Nature will always remain neutral concerning life and death of mortals." So was the element thought from generation to generation. His instincts whispered to him” ask, ask... ask her." The storm twisted and turned until it did just so. Ahead of the women he started writing in the old language of Tornur. The language very few could write, but every creature between heaven, earth and some more could read. He wrote it in a whisper, because winds knew no other way to convey their thoughts to mortals.

The women had no feeling in her arms or feet, but it was insignificant to her advancement. The fierce light in her eyes was slowly dwindling. It might have been the brief feeling of mortality, which collected her thoughts enough to read those words or perhaps faith. We might never know, but as she read the words.

“Mortal bow before me, and I shall bestow upon you a dream”

The women responded in a crackling voice” Oh lord Winter; I want this child to grow free like the wind and fierce as a storm. I want him to find the stillness like I have, but never have to bow to anyone” and so she bowed.

Those words ignited a restlessness in the storm. The kind of tingling sensation you get as you are about to discover something new. The wind felt as if it was soaring once again through the misty mountain dew peaks of Thordenheim. Just as it did for the first time as a child, and suddenly a whole new world opened up before his eyes. It laughed so the ground shook, trees crackled and the sky split in two. Rays of light shone a tender glow upon the boy, coloring the child's cheek in a lukewarm red color. The child laughed with the storm, ignorant of his dying mother. The mother spoke to the child, before she passed away.
“ Forgive the storm you are about to become, because you are now his son."
137658 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / Georgia
Offline
Posted 11/21/12
Most stories, intros etc. goes to the Fan Fiction forums, but it's hardly active like the forum here.

I liked it, I especially like the last line.
25653 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
17 / M / Tórshavn
Offline
Posted 11/21/12 , edited 11/21/12
Niiiice! You got something there, keep writing! It got me really interested, and i love the word play<3 Its really good:)
Keep going!
33411 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
19 / F / A magical far awa...
Offline
Posted 11/21/12
I liked it! It was definitely something different. I love the whole concept of the storm being like an actual person with thoughs and whatnot. Good job!
8508 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
M / i'm there. you kn...
Offline
Posted 11/21/12
lol didn't read!
just kidding.

but i thought that was great, really! even people in america can't use english that well.
47639 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
18 / M / Tiphares
Offline
Posted 11/21/12 , edited 11/21/12
I agree with everyone else here, though some construction criticism is always a good thing. I really have none to offer at the moment until I pick it apart more so I won't say anything. Just to clarify, is this intro to your own novel and judging by the song are you also a Sons of Anarchy fan? Writing by inspiration leaves a very fulfilling sensation, well at least to me, so keep up the good work. Also don't worry about your English, it's better than some native English speakers! Here's an example of writing by inspiration also (it's one of mine), just to give another example:



With this example I was inspired by a character from the anime Texhnolyze. That character is Ran, the Seer of Gabe who always carries around these white flowers and a fox mask wherever she goes. Barely speaking, she is like a silent Virgil guiding the main character around, shaping his animalistic nature into something with more humanity up to the very end. Since she barely speaks I wondered what went on inside her head so I wrote this little narrative. Nothing special really. I found songs by Stateless also helped with my writing, they fit the mood of the anime quite well in my opinion. Examples:




33411 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
19 / F / A magical far awa...
Offline
Posted 11/21/12

Shrapnel893 wrote:

I agree with everyone else here, though some construction criticism is always a good thing. I really have none to offer at the moment until I pick it apart more so I won't say anything. Just to clarify, is this intro to your own novel and judging by the song are you also a Sons of Anarchy fan? Writing by inspiration leaves a very fulfilling sensation, well at least to me, so keep up the good work. Also don't worry about your English, it's better than some native English speakers! Here's an example of writing by inspiration also (it's one of mine), just to give another example:



I read your little poem or whatever it is and I gotta say, it was really good. So much emotion and power in the words. Love it!
1mirg 
55653 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
21 / M / United States of...
Offline
Posted 11/21/12
33411 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
19 / F / A magical far awa...
Offline
Posted 11/21/12


Haha lol. Gotta love Rainbow Dash xD
47639 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
18 / M / Tiphares
Offline
Posted 11/21/12 , edited 11/21/12

NightBlaze wrote:


Shrapnel893 wrote:

I agree with everyone else here, though some construction criticism is always a good thing. I really have none to offer at the moment until I pick it apart more so I won't say anything. Just to clarify, is this intro to your own novel and judging by the song are you also a Sons of Anarchy fan? Writing by inspiration leaves a very fulfilling sensation, well at least to me, so keep up the good work. Also don't worry about your English, it's better than some native English speakers! Here's an example of writing by inspiration also (it's one of mine), just to give another example:



I read your little poem or whatever it is and I gotta say, it was really good. So much emotion and power in the words. Love it!


I was trying to speak in the voice of the character. She doesn't take much like I stated and when she does it's very short sentences or phrases, enough to get her points across without adding any extra fluff. Very blunt, if you will. For instance, in one scene Yoshi (one of the major characters in the first half of the show) asks the main character his name after said main character nearly busts his face in with his fist; instead hitting and putting a hole in the concrete wall next to Yoshi's head. The main character doesn't respond just breaths in and out like it's the only thing he's capable of doing and just stands there staring at Yoshi. Yoshi then proceeds to chuckle and walks away in the direction of Ran who is silently observing the exchange behind the main character. As Yoshi walks past her she silently pronounces the main character's name, Ichise, to which Yoshi smiles and repeats his name as he walks off into the darkness behind Ran and Ichise. Very blunt and straightforward.
64405 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / M / Norway
Offline
Posted 11/22/12 , edited 11/22/12
I have watched a ton of TV series, and Sons Of Anarchy is pretty good. Well, I have to say that about at ton of other series also though. Thank you all for the comments. I like the stateless music also.

I believe I should add a few lines after this sentence to build up the action: "The stillness it had once loved and now forgotten, had been found and acquired by this woman." So you really get the feeling it is raging until it finally settles down. What do you guys think?

Also do you guys think I should maybe add more feeling to the dialogue, between the wind and the women?

Yes it's is a introduction to a novel.
47639 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
18 / M / Tiphares
Offline
Posted 11/23/12 , edited 11/23/12

DustyGateway wrote:

I have watched a ton of TV series, and Sons Of Anarchy is pretty good. Well, I have to say that about at ton of other series also though. Thank you all for the comments. I like the stateless music also.

I believe I should add a few lines after this sentence to build up the action: "The stillness it had once loved and now forgotten, had been found and acquired by this woman." So you really get the feeling it is raging until it finally settles down. What do you guys think?

Also do you guys think I should maybe add more feeling to the dialogue, between the wind and the women?

Yes it's is a introduction to a novel.


So essentially what you're trying to do is make the wind it's own entity and that it grabs hold of this women who is wandering determined? If you're going that route, I would say add more feeling to the actions of the wind parallel to the actions of the women, so yes more feeling overall in the dialogue. Then again, it's your work so its up to you in the end. Also, sorry if anything sounded confusing I often confuse myself with my thoughts.
64405 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
22 / M / Norway
Offline
Posted 11/23/12
I editied it once again . Ty for the advice.
You must be logged in to post.