I edited my introduction to a novel.
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Posted 11/22/12 , edited 11/23/12
Please keep my thread in the general discussion section .

Squall

The storm barked and howled. Oh, how it burned the skin. The blisters had now frozen, and she was afraid to look down, because she could not risk what little strength remained perishing. She had never considered herself, particularly stubborn or spirited, but this time; she couldn't yield. Her sight blurred slightly for each step she took and all that she could now observe was a horizon darker than a mid-winter Eve, deeper than a freshly dug grave, and if she strained her vision. There was a slight resemblance of life in the midst of the storm. She by far exceeded her limit, and even so; she kept walking with a resolute determination. No man alive couldn’t help, but to think twice about crossing her path now. It might have been because of the fierce glimmer neither her silhouette, nor the storm could shroud. Perhaps because she had a stillness about her. The kind you would only find deep inside the heart of a storm or overwhelming a mortal on the brink of death.

What kept this women walking, said a voice in the storm's head, before it hurled itself at the her. Once again, she shrugged, wavered and continued walking. The storm was jealous, because she had something, all the storms wanted. The stillness which only few creatures knew. The storm couldn’t help, but listen and loath that silence and as a wolf bearing its teeth. It came crashing down upon her, but still the women remained standing. The storm grew curious, slowly but steadily. Why would the women not falter? It knew she would die sooner or later, because humans are fragile creatures. The voice and fear restrained him from using the full extent of his power. The storm's tailwind alone would be enough to extinct her flame, and a few trees in the go.

He was unmistakably free, feared most of all being chained. It couldn’t allow this question to confine him, no matter how insignificant it was. “Quickly you have to ask her before she dies." Annoying thought the storm to himself. He made a contorted peculiar gesture in the pursuit of relief; no mortal had ever witnessed before. I must be growing old. During my younger days, something like this wouldn’t bother me, or rouse such anger. I have fought the remorseful Hjoln and slayed ten thousand men. I even made Kings crumble before my will. So why will she not stumble before me? It didn’t take too long before the women started to bemuse him and slowly each stroke he threw grew weaker.

He had never hesitated killing a mortal before. “The laws of nature can’t be ignored. Nature will always remain neutral concerning the matter of life and death of mortals." It Boomed. The voice of his teacher from a time he could not remember. She should have been nothing, but another leaf being swept away on a warm autumn-Eve. Despite that another voice whispered to him” ask, ask... ask her." The storm twisted and turned until it came to a conclusion. Ahead of the women he started writing in the old language of Tornur. The language very few could write, but every mortal knew. He wrote in it a whisper, because winds knew no other way to convey their thoughts to mortals.

The women had no feeling in her arms or feet, but it was insignificant to her advancement. The fierce light in her eyes began to dwindle, despite the wind ceasing it savage charges. It might have been the brief feeling of mortality, which collected her thoughts enough to read those words, or perhaps it was faith. We might never know, but as she read the words. She felt her task was accomplished.

“Mortal bow before me and I shall bestow upon you the goal; you so desperately seek.”

His voice was like that of a god in her ear and made it ever so much harder to respond, yet she said in a crackling tone.”Oh lord Winter storm; I want this child to grow free like the wind and fierce as a storm. I want him to find the stillness like I have, but never having to bow down to anyone” and so she bowed.

Those words ignited a restlessness in the storm. The kind of excitement you get as you are about to discover something new. The wind felt as if it was soaring once again through the misty mountain dew peaks of Thordenheim. The same feeling it had gained while it was young. The storm knew that beyond the mist awaited a whole new world for him.

The Storm laughed so the ground shook, trees crackled and the sky split in two. Bars of sunlight shone a tender glow upon the boy's face, cradled in her mother's arms for the last time. The child’s face turned a lukewarm tad red, as he laughed with the storm. It was ignorant of his dying mother for the better or worse, but before she died. She spoke in a whisper. Not much different from that of the storm, but the words she spoke carried such tremendous force not even a child could forget.

“ Forgive the storm you are about to become, because you are now his son."
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Posted 11/22/12
But this isn't general discussion, there's nothing to discuss :p It's a intro to a story xD
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Posted 11/22/12

MikiSayaka wrote:

But this isn't general discussion, there's nothing to discuss :p It's a intro to a story xD


you're supposed to talk about how wonderful it is and tell about why you like it so much.
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Posted 11/22/12 , edited 11/22/12
Let us discuss my introduction and maybe give me some constructive criticism?

Why has it already been moved to Fan Ficton . If I don't receive another comment. I'll re-spawn it in general discussion ,be warned. Countdown has started for the next 12 hours. Please delete my post if you admins don't agree. No reply, means you have proved my point .
Posted 11/23/12

DustyGateway wrote:

Let us discuss my introduction and maybe give me some constructive criticism?

Why has it already been moved to Fan Ficton . If I don't receive another comment. I'll re-spawn it in general discussion ,be warned. Countdown has started for the next 12 hours. Please delete my post if you admins don't agree. No reply, means you have proved my point .


You're on an anime site where most of the population enjoys speculating about sex. Don't get your hopes up. Surely there must be plenty of sites for wannabe authors.
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Posted 11/23/12
You can't tell the staff not to do their job. If your thread is not in the right place, they're going to move it whether you like it or not. Ignoring their rules will just probably get you banned, and I know you don't want that just because you'd like some criticism for your work. If you don't listen, you've been warned.

Just try asking your friends or find a group on here or deviantArt (there's some groups dedicated to Literature) and request criticism there.

I'd try to offer some myself, but I'm feeling too lazy to do so (at least I'm honest).
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Posted 11/26/12

evenstar95 wrote:


DustyGateway wrote:

Let us discuss my introduction and maybe give me some constructive criticism?

Why has it already been moved to Fan Ficton . If I don't receive another comment. I'll re-spawn it in general discussion ,be warned. Countdown has started for the next 12 hours. Please delete my post if you admins don't agree. No reply, means you have proved my point .


You're on an anime site where most of the population enjoys speculating about sex. Don't get your hopes up. Surely there must be plenty of sites for wannabe authors.


^ This.
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Posted 2/28/13
Is it a fantasy?

Though it seems pretty interesting...
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Posted 3/13/13
Since you posted, I'll critique it!

My opinions only, and only suggestions! :)

1) You have voice, which is very good and very important.
2) The concept is pretty good.
3) You also have a pretty good grasp of characterization.

Your weak points:
1) There is a little bit of what's called head-hopping. Most of the time, the POV is steady, from the Storm-God's point of view. But every so often, it wanders to the woman's point of view. There is something called third person omniscient, that allows you to do this. George RR Martin from Game of Thrones does this very well. but you shouldn't do it in the same scene. That causes confusion for the reader.

Pick a character to tell the scene through. If you have to switch, make sure the reader knows your switching.

Anyways, my two cents and hope I haven't offended. You have potential. Good luck
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Posted 4/8/13 , edited 4/8/13
I like it. I think you have a very interesting story here. For just a second I was confused as to who "he" was, but then I realized you were not only personifying the storm, but adding mythology to your story. Your writing is very good and some of it is poetic. Keep writing. However, try to keep in mind when you post that when (if you plan on seeking publishment) that some editors and publishers do not want previously published work (even online) unless it follows their guidelines. I'm not saying don't post (I want to read more), but perhaps be mindful of where and how much you post.
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Posted 10/21/13
Closed due to inactivity. It's been over 6 months and no new posts
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