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Staying friends with your ex
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24 / M / Maryland
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Posted 2/8/13



We seem to be getting somewhere with this. I think it's totally possible.

I'm friends with my ex. She's dating a close friend of mine. My friends came over last weekend to play halo and watch movies. Both of them came. We all had fun. Maybe a little awkwardness, but no hostile feelings of any kind.

I think that it depends on what kind of relationship you have. Is it simply sexual/eros/romance/ren'ai or does it involve "friendship" as well. Do you "love" them as oppose to "infatuation" or "lust." The A - A form of love when viewed with TA (transactional analysis). If you're friends with the person you're dating then if you break up with that person them it's very easy, maybe even natural, for the two of you to stay friends. Unless you did horrible things to each other that will make even friends break up.


I think your situation works since it sounds like you all know and hangout with the same circle of people. If you come from two different circle of friends then there is less incentive for two people to try and get past the awkwardness and reapir the realtionship. If you have to choose bewtween working things out with an ex and losing a friend you have motive to try and play nice. If a couple comes from completely different social circles and wouldn't normally socialize with each other if they weren't a couple its easier to just cut the ex and her friends out.

One of my friends used to hang out with a bunch of people from the local community college. He started dating a girl and she became a part of that group as well. When they're breakup went badly and she was still in the group he distanced himself from them rather then deal. I imagine he would have continued hanging out with them if he cared more about them and their break up hadn't been so crappy.

Basically if your breakup isn't bad then keeping established friendships>awkwardness. If you don't share very close friends than awkwardness>friendship.
Posted 2/8/13
Nah, i'm good at cutting people off that I'm no longer interested in. Nice guys are the ones who stay friends with their exes and that's what makes them not so nice to the girl they are currently with in my opinion. I could be very wrong but i know that shit hurts your partner.
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26 / M
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Posted 2/8/13 , edited 2/8/13

Goomoonryong wrote:



I think your situation works since it sounds like you all know and hangout with the same circle of people. If you come from two different circle of friends then there is less incentive for two people to try and get past the awkwardness and reapir the realtionship. If you have to choose bewtween working things out with an ex and losing a friend you have motive to try and play nice. If a couple comes from completely different social circles and wouldn't normally socialize with each other if they weren't a couple its easier to just cut the ex and her friends out.

One of my friends used to hang out with a bunch of people from the local community college. He started dating a girl and she became a part of that group as well. When they're breakup went badly and she was still in the group he distanced himself from them rather then deal. I imagine he would have continued hanging out with them if he cared more about them and their break up hadn't been so crappy.

Basically if your breakup isn't bad then keeping established friendships>awkwardness. If you don't share very close friends than awkwardness>friendship.


You've got a point there.

But I've got a friend as well. Popular guy, basketball varsity, so when he cheated on his girlfriend, word got around fast. They broke up about a week and a half later. Couple of days after they broke up, he lets me tag along while he returns some school notes he'd borrowed from his ex. We walk down the hallway and meet up with his ex, they got along quite well and I'm thinking to myself, "Am I the only one who feels the awkwardness?" Looking back I realized that they've always been really good friends. Even to this day they're friends.

The point I'm trying to make is that "friendship" and "romance" are two different, almost unrelated things. You can have none, either or both with any single person. If you break up with a person whom you've never been friends with, then you can't "just be friends" with that person since you were never friends in the first place and the pain you'll feel because of the breakup will probably prevent you from making friends with that person.
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26 / Jolly ol' Blighty
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Posted 2/8/13
It is situational on how the breakup happens really.

My Ex cheated on me and I learned about it when she dropped me for (presumibly) this guy a while later. I couldn't remain freinds with her because I was so hurt and betrayed that I couldn't even bear to look at her. Let alone speak to her in spite of her "wanting to still be freinds".

Maybe I was just overly sensative but I consider trust and mutual respect a nesecity for freindship as well as relationships. Somthing I no longer had for her.

If you feel it can be done and you both want to be freinds, by all means give it a shot. But any hurt felt by either party is likly to ruin any chances of it happening in my opinion.
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17 / M / My room where els...
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Posted 2/8/13 , edited 2/8/13
I think of it this way we were dating because we liked each other right just because we broke up doesn't mean that we hate each other now. Except if cheating is involved there you just hate each other no matter wat.
Ink13 
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Posted 2/8/13
It's all conditional and it takes a lot of work.
We were friends at first, had a really rough two year relationship with a lot of fighting, and I broke up with him... twice

Its taken a good year or so, but I had always left the option open and did my best and waited. He was finally okay with the idea. It was a little awkward at points, and other moments its like best friends because we know each other so well, but now its totally normal. I just find it best not to talk about us as a couple because I am with someone else now.

But seriously, youve got some work and time to put into it and its all measured by how long you two were together, who it hurt at the end and how much, and how serious the two of you were. If both arent up for it, it might not happen.

Nonetheless I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK
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F / Hawaii
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Posted 2/8/13
*sigh* I have to say this is very hard, and it really depends on the people. I, however, cannot stay friends with my ex's. I have tried in the past and we would always end up getting back together, "missing eachother", and then break up a few months after. For me, it is not a smart idea. I find it easier to just...stop all contact with them. Even if it is hard.
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24 / M / Maryland
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Posted 2/8/13

Ink13 wrote:

It's all conditional and it takes a lot of work.
We were friends at first, had a really rough two year relationship with a lot of fighting, and I broke up with him... twice

Its taken a good year or so, but I had always left the option open and did my best and waited. He was finally okay with the idea. It was a little awkward at points, and other moments its like best friends because we know each other so well, but now its totally normal. I just find it best not to talk about us as a couple because I am with someone else now.

But seriously, youve got some work and time to put into it and its all measured by how long you two were together, who it hurt at the end and how much, and how serious the two of you were. If both arent up for it, it might not happen.

Nonetheless I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK


But what does your partner think about this? Usually its easier for the exes to be friends before one of them gets another signifigant other. Most guys probably wouldn't be inwardly happy about the situation. Maybe your current partner is really chill and perfectly fine with it but to some guys like me its baggage that I'd rather do without. I know if I see a girl whos still like best friends with her ex it tells me that one or the other can't stand cutting the other out of their life because they care so much about them.

When it comes to me and relationships I'd pass on any girl whos close and hangs out with an ex of more than a years relationship. Way I see it is that she cares more about him and her past than a future with me. Its selfish and insecure but I'm not willing to put myself out there for someone not willing to do the same for me, just too much of a risk of getting used. I want someone who cares about me enough to take a chance on us and not hedge their bets by keeping X around just in case we don't work out.

Good luck to you, I believe some people can handle being in a relationship while being friends with an ex, its just not me. You're more mature than me thats for sure.
Ink13 
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Posted 2/8/13 , edited 2/8/13

But what does your partner think about this? Usually its easier for the exes to be friends before one of them gets another signifigant other. Most guys probably wouldn't be inwardly happy about the situation. Maybe your current partner is really chill and perfectly fine with it but to some guys like me its baggage that I'd rather do without. I know if I see a girl whos still like best friends with her ex it tells me that one or the other can't stand cutting the other out of their life because they care so much about them.

When it comes to me and relationships I'd pass on any girl whos close and hangs out with an ex of more than a years relationship. Way I see it is that she cares more about him and her past than a future with me. Its selfish and insecure but I'm not willing to put myself out there for someone not willing to do the same for me, just too much of a risk of getting used. I want someone who cares about me enough to take a chance on us and not hedge their bets by keeping X around just in case we don't work out.

Good luck to you, I believe some people can handle being in a relationship while being friends with an ex, its just not me. You're more mature than me thats for sure.


Oh no, it killed him. I just didnt mention my bf name around him until he was comfortable with it. I clearly care too much about other peoples feelings
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25 / M / Bonne Lake, WA
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Posted 2/8/13



That's the beauty of marriage though. If you are having sex with someone, might as well be somewhat committed to eachother beyond the fact that you are having sex with eachother. When I say marriage, I mean mostly the commitment rather than the legal ideals. Date and fuck for 5 weeks or whatever just never made much sense to me.
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21 / F / In My imagination.
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Posted 2/10/13 , edited 2/10/13

metalsmith wrote:




That's the beauty of marriage though. If you are having sex with someone, might as well be somewhat committed to eachother beyond the fact that you are having sex with eachother. When I say marriage, I mean mostly the commitment rather than the legal ideals. Date and fuck for 5 weeks or whatever just never made much sense to me.


Eh marriage? Crazy Idea. Leave the "date and fuck for 5 weeks" aside because that's only 14-17 years old kids game. Let's say you have been dating for 2 years for even more, then somehow you guys broke up. Would you HONESTLY stay friends with that person? would you be fine with it if she/he have another person in their life after you? I mean of course yes they will find someone but, you will be fine with it and stay friends with them? REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY?
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M / N.C.
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Posted 2/10/13
I'm friends with a few of my exes, but we were fiends in college before we dated so it's not that bad, I'm not friends with any ex I wasn't friends with before we hooked up, In fact I would say I hope I never have to deal with most of my exes ever again. A couple I wouldn't mind going a few rounds in the octagon with. No striking of course, just submissions... make them bitches tap out... relax ladies just venting here....
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Posted 2/10/13
i use one for money (she's a bitch)
i'm trying to get another back (i'm not losing her again if she takes me back)
and the third that i'm still friends with is one of my few remaining friends
Posted 2/15/13 , edited 2/15/13
I wonder how those guys who go baby shopping with their exs feel, you know the one that isnt shopping for his kid but someone elses kid? He must feel like a real loser
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F / on a cloud
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Posted 2/15/13
Yes, She is my best friend.
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