Poor Man and the devil
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Posted 12/25/12 , edited 1/7/13
Please comment i need some feedback, i dont even care if its bad



Poor man and the devil

(Close Up on Fenrich Working on Spinach Farm)

Nar: This Sad, Sad Human being's name is Fenrich. He Lives in the very small village of ________. He is known in town as the poorest, saddest and loneliest person in the village. He lives in the shantily made shack next to the potato farm.

Fennrich: I’m not sure but I get the feeling somewhere someone’s berating my entire being..... (He wipes the sweat from his brow)

Boss: All right guys works over!

As soon as the boss says works over Fen grabs his tools and brings them home...a 7 by 7 wooden shack where they keeps the farm tools. Despite all the grime and dirt he is able to wash himself in the river by the farm, because he's too poor to afford the basic human luxury of indoor plumbing. His auburn hair shines from the water. His pasty white skin barely white after a hard day of work while getting dirty and grimy.

Fenrich: ahh a fine day of work done today time to go home and sleep on my wonderful....hay.

Another day has passed in this man's small miserable existence and the morning sun greets him...because he is too poor to afford a house with a window: if it wasn’t clear enough to you readers before THIS MAN IS POOR! Like on the thin line between starvation and suicide poor, seriously if this man could afford the cheapest most disgusting tasting spinach wine he'd finally get enough courage to just finally end it all. Truly, truly a sad existence... Fenrich, without much resistance begrudgingly goes back to his miserable job as a spinach farm hand.

Fenrich: Well time to get back to work...so I can buy my weekly rations of stale bread and dirty water.

Fenrich spends his days pulling weeds, shoveling shit and doing any odd jobs the farm owner needs him to do. When he's not doing that he's begging on the streets but is mostly unsuccessful and ignored. At the end of the work day Fenrich returns to his piece of crap house so see a beautiful woman sitting on a bale of hay

???: sup'


Felicia Prologue

Narr: Some time earlier, on a nearby pass resting atop a high cliff, a group of iron clad armoured gentlemen led by a ...scantily clad but still armoured female, resting on her back a sword lays abreast her torso that would equal the length of a human male, her left hand although clothed by leather gauntlets seems to shimmer a bright red. A few moments pass and all seems quiet and peaceful...obviously seeming to be too good to be true the female knight in skimpy armour brings her group to a stunning halt. In moments even more men arrive though not bearing the same banner carried by the lovely seductress's mercenary group.

Felicia: Who the hell are you?

Bandit: Your purse looks mighty heavy there lass...why don’t you hand it over?

Felicia: Yeaaaah...-extends out her left hand- Nooo...

Bandit: Heh! What are you gonna patty cake us to death!?

Felicia: Noooope -the gem in her left hand illuminates-

Bandit: Wh...What!?

Felicia: Now how about you hand over your gold before I level you and your mates into ground chuck? Or you could just run...I do like a hunt...

Bandit: Fuck this! Charge!

Fel: -sneers she levels her hand and in one fell swoop retracts her colossal blade from her sheath and with one hand cleaves the man and two of his companions in twine- But I like a fight a lot better.

-literally knees shaking after seeing only the bottom halves of their companions the other 3-4 bandits scurry off like children into the woods dropping whatever ill-gotten valuables they could shovel out of their pockets in a panicked hurry to make like a tree and get the fuck out of there-

Fel: Humph...-sheathes her weapon-

Mercenary: -joking tone- I don’t see why we're even around if you’re just gonna keep showing off for the rest of us

Fel: -cocky but joking tone- Well maybe if you guys pulled your weight you'd actually be worth the few gold coins I throw your way. Or maybe I just need a good set of pack mules.

Merc: Tch...So quick to hurt our honour to reduce us to mere pack mules....I rather be fighting in wars

Fel: Well then why don’t you just get out of here if all your gonna do is bitch and moan!

Merc: Ugh...

Narr: Felicia and her mercenaries pick up and gather all the valuables and heads of the fallen bandits to turn in, Felicia and her long flowing well-kept blood stained blonde hair, beautifully pale skin, abnormally purple hued eyes, volu- you know what she’s just pretty much the opposite of whatever fennrich is like the exact opposite, Beautiful, middle class, a total bad ass and on top of that has a nice pair of....moving on...reaching the end of the pass finally out of the mountain range she makes her way to a remote quaint forest where she decides to make camp. She tasks 5 or 6 men to keep watch at a time while the rest of her company rests. Basically, her life could not be any more perfect, she’s got a fat stack of cash, a nice house to go to, regularly and bathes and on top of that she carries around equipment even the bravest and mightiest heroes have ever carried. Her main complaint in life is what shampoo she wants to purchase.

Fel: Damn life’s good

Narr: Speak for yourself

Fel: -turns to one of her mercenaries- You say something?

Merc: Err...no...

Fel: Huh....ok then...

The next morning Felicia in her nice well dimmed tent with only the slightest bit of sunlight bleeding through Felicia finally wakes up to another peaceful morning....peaceful not including the people screaming and chaos going outside...someone didn’t do a very good job at watch...

Fel: -sits up in a hurry throws on some clothes and retrieves her sword hops out of her tent- ....What the FUCK!?

Narr: -basically everything is on fire...shits going down, people are dead and there’s massive fighting going on-

Fel: ....What...the...fuck...IS GOING ON!

Merc: -crawling- -cough cough- Felicia...people here to see you...shall I let them in?

Fel: -Before the mercenary could finish his sentence Felicia grabs her gear and runs like a bitch-

Merc: ....oh...ok...-dies-

Fel: -Now running through the forest and comes across a small humble village where she makes her way to a small shit smelling barn where she proceeds to make her new home as she steals absolutely no one else’s apples and stale bread- Wow...this tastes like shit......-munch munch- who the hell can live off this I wouldn’t feed this to a pig...

Fen: -walks into the barn- ahem...

Fel: .....Sup'

Chapter 1: The Barn


Fel: .....Sup'

Fennrich: Dafaq' are you doing stealing my weeks’ worth of food?

Fel: You seriously live off an apple a week?

Fennrich: yup, I live a very sad and poor existence. Actually I saved up a weeks’ worth of salary for that apple.

Fel: Wow you must be poor!

Fen: Yes yes I am. I’m poor and you’re a bitch.

Fel: Well I may be a bitch but at least I’m not poor and if you call me a bitch again I’ll shove this sword right up your ass~ So don’t fuck with me.

Fen: ok then welcome to my humble abode! Now get the fuck out and stop stealing what little food I have.

Fel: - with a straight face - Bitch I can buy your house...

Fen: 30 gold pieces please!

Fel: I would buy this piece of crap house for 5! Hell I’d make you pay me to take it off your hands!

Fen: Anyway WHY THE HELL IS YOU IN MY....shack?

Fel: cuz'

Fen: -pushes Fel towards the door- OUT OUT!

Fel: All right, all right I see we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Felicia and I need a place to crash.

Fen: My name is Fennrich. You can stay here but you have to work on the farm with me.

Fel: I guess...is this seriously where you sleep? -Whispers- wow my tent is better than this.

Fen: Well why do you need I place to stay if you have your damn tent!?

Fel: cuz' it's currently on FIRE!

Fen: Why is it on fire?!

Fel: Bea...cause...shut up I’m paying you.

Fen: seems like a good enough reason!

Fel: So where's the bed?

Fen: you’re on it -sad face-

Fel: is there a top bunk? Because there's no way I’m getting in bed with a poor spinach farmer.

Fen: Would you get in bed with a rich spinach farmer?

Fel: No I wouldn’t get in bed with any spinach farmer I hate spinach. Come back to me when you own a vineyard.

Fen: Ok I will see you in....never. Anyway I’ll just sleep on the floor. It's probably more comfortable.

(During the night)

Fel: So like how did you get so poor?

Fen: My parents had huge loan shark debts and ran leaving me to work for said loan sharks. The owner of this farm is one of them.

Fel: Just how big is this debt?

Fen: oh just a smalllll....100,000 gold pieces

Fel: You’re right that is pretty small.

Fen: - looks at fel with a "seriously?"- How loaded are you?

Fel: Well my father was a hero...saved the world a couple of times no biggie and my mother is the one who discovered magic so uh yeah pretty fucking loaded. My sword is worth more than this entire village!

Fen: - looks at Felicia with a look of disbelief- um um um um you know I don’t know how to respond to that.

Fel: Wait what don’t you know what to respond to my mom, dad or the sword?

Fen: All of the above.

Fel: you’re not one for conversation are you. Do you even know another female?

Fen: Well when i get within a 10 foot radius of one they run away in horror.

Fell: From what your stench, poverty or social class

Fen: - starts sitting in corner in fetal position crying- all of the above

Fel: - Bursts out in laughter- I don’t know what to feel pity or entertained!

Fen: -gets on top of house- GOOD BYE CRUEL WORLD! -Jumps off house-

Fel: But wait it's not

SFX: Splat!

Fel: tall enough to kill you. You know were like 5 feet off the ground right? You know in retrospect I probably should have stopped him. -Sighs and gets out of bed- Come on dumbass, you don’t have to kill yourself your just (wow how do I put this)...you have a good...personality?

Fen: That’s the first complement I’ve even received. Even if it was halfassed and started off with an insult.

Fel: good for you! NOW GO TO BED YOU SUICIDAL MANIAC. -Throws him back into the barn-

Fen: oh god what demon have I just let into my house, I just got thrown into my own house. Normal people don’t do that!

Fel: I'm not sure if that’s a complement or an insult. But I do like the whole demon thing.

(Both go back to bed)

The morning after

Fen: (It has been a very....interesting 24 hours with what I suspect is something that is not human. After all I was just thrown across an entire room.) Felicia it's time to wake up!

Fel: Nooooo...5 minutes minutes

Fen: Now Felicia

Fel: I CUT YOU MENG.-extends her sword with one arm from across the room-

Fen: ok ok 5 more minites.

Fel: That’s better.... -she gets as comfortable as she can get on a bed of hay that stabs at her nether regions in the middle of the night-

Fen: you know this is my house right? -He says with a slight condescending tone-

Narr: The Sad Thing Here folks is that bale of hay is getting more action then poor poor fen.

Fen: Go get yer' ass up and get too work.

Fel: Humph...no wonder you can’t get a date, your attitude is on par with a swamp ogre.

Fen: Well you’re not all sunshine and sprinkle yourself...

Fel: -spitefully she gathers enough willpower to both get out of bed and stave off the urge to ram a rusted pitchfork up yonder shit shovelers ass- -With a beastly glare- Just tell me what to do and stay out of my way...farmer...

Fen: Go pull some weeds, make my job a little easier...

Fel: well then try not to trip into a pile of animal feces, gods forbid you smell like something other than spinach and shit....-she walks away, kicks open the bard doors barely left on their hinges let alone their frame-

Fen: Stop breaking my house!

Fel: Stop being poor and alone!

Fen: I’m not alone I live with and insufferable Bit-

Narr: Just as fen is about to finish that sentence Fel throws a bucket at fens face.

Fen: Oh Gods that’s my Bathroom!

Fel: Ewww...I can’t believe I touched that...

Fen: And I can’t believe you threw it at me!

Fel: Well maybe you shouldn’t be pooping in buckets!

Fen: Where the hell else am I gonna go!?

Boss: Who the hell is this? Fens having a woman over? She must be the cheapest wench money can buy...

Fel: What the fuck did you just call me!?

Boss: Well obviously you look the part girly, heey when you’re done servicing this loser why don’t you get with a reeeeal maaan~ heh heh heh...

Fen: Uhm...sir I’m not sure that’s...

Fel: -No amount of words can describe the amount of anger she is feeling at this moment...lets go with steaming or over boiling- Yoou.....Yooouuu! I am going to destroy you...

Boss: Eh? I didn’t quite catch that...

Fel: IAM GOING TO-

Fen: FELICIA this is our BOSS! If you KILL HIM we'll be homeless please...don’t...

Fel: What so I just have to fucking stand for this shit!? He called me a whore!

Boss: Wench...I called you a wench...there’s a difference...

Fel: THAT TEARS IT!

-Just as Felicia is about to tear the sleazy balding disgusting spinach farmer fen intervenes and bows and begs at Felicia’s Feet-

Fen: Please Felicia, don’t kill him, I’ll die within a week if you do, I’ll be homeless, jobless, foodless...

Fel: But...I....But he.......Ughhhh! -she storms back off to the broken down shanty barn and makes a lot of noise on her way there-

Boss: Heh...Serves her right too, for walking around like that she’s just asking for it. You see Fen you gotta bring in the reigns with girls like her...HA! I Bet couldn’t even kill a...uh -Felicia walks past him and fen with her man sized blade rested on one shoulder- Kill uh....what is she...where did she...how is she can she hold that...

Fen: Oh...shit...I think we're about to find out

Fel: -She lifts her blade up above her head near the boss’s house-

Boss: Ohhhh nonononono! Nooonono!

Fel: -In one massive swing she manages to cleave through the two story farm house with the ease of melted butter in the summer time, what’s left of the house falls on each side as she walks on by the boss and fen and back to the barn, the two just stand there in awe in front of what used to be a wealthy spinach scented estate-

-In a matter of moments the wreckage bursts into flames from a ruptured gas stove explodes and immolates the entirety of what remained of the home, the farm owner falls to his knees and begins to sob-

Fen: ....Please don’t fire me...

Boss: I Cant...

Fen: Why not?

Boss: If I did she'd kill me and make my wife eat my children....What manner of woman is she!?

Fen: Nothing short of a demon...if not worse...

-Some odd few hours later, Fen somehow convinces Felicia to come back to work no doubt by some miracle of the gods without murdering anyone or any one else’s house-

Fel: -sitting on a tree stump, head in her hand, dejecting pouting sort of just using her sword as a shovel to dig up....well everything...not just weeds, some 5 minutes later, there’s a minefield of holes of varying in depth- .....Uggggggghh....farming suuucks...I wanna be pampered again dammit....

Fen: -Dirt and grime covers his face as looks at Felicia with a tired look- Well toooo baaad, PRINCESS! Now get back to work, or you’re no apple tonight.

Fel: ....-raises eyebrow- You see me destroy a house in front of you, talk about my immense wealth and I’m the first female who doesn’t push you into the mud and laugh at you and all you can say is get back to work? You’re Either Brave or have Shit for brains....

Fen: ....-raises his finger about to say something probably stupid- Uhm.....Uhm....Um...um...Dammit Felicia stop being right!

Fel: It’s not hard when you’re a girl -cockily crosses arms and grins- Not to mention a girl who actually got to go to school and have an upper class lifestyle.

Fen: -Under his breath- Were as I dropped out in kindergarten and get a smaller paycheck then the village idiot....

Fel: Yeah...And besides! I did my work! Look at all the work I did! -On a tree stump in the middle of hundreds of holes in the ground-

Fen: Shoveling holes indiscriminately doesn’t count as work...what I do counts as work.

Fel: It wasn’t indiscriminately; I got a lot of weeds, could you believe they were all lined up in neat little rows? :D

Fen: -twitches- You...you...Killed all of the crops?

Fel: Noooo I was just digging up all of the things that looked disgusting and weedy

Fen: SPINISH IS DISGUSTING! THAT’S WHY THIS VILLAGE IS SO POOR!

Fel: I thought you were just poor -tilts her head in a confused way-

Fen: Urge...to kill...rising...

Fel: Heh! I could take you on with one arm behind my back, unarmed and hoping on one foot!

Boss: Where is all the Spinach! I’m docking your pay fen...

Fen: WHAT PAY!? After paying off a fraction of my debt I get one bronze coin a day!

Fel: You know your fractions?

Fen: You’re not HELPING!

Fel: Well it’s not my fault! They all look like weeds!

Boss: Heh...you two having a lovers quarrel?

Both: YOU’RE NOT HELPING!

Boss: -sweat- W-well anyway someone has to pay for all this!

Fel: ....Ugh.....Fine...I can spare a few

Boss: Hundred

Fel: Hundred ...Silver? What are the rates for garbage flavored vegetables....?

Boss: -glare-

Fel: -Glare-

Boss: Actually that will be fine, it’s usually 10 bronze per lot but this should cover the HOUSE

Fel: Wow your house is worth 100 silver? That’s two poor people I’ve met

Boss: 100 gold pieces then...

Fel: .....-hands over the gold- Fine...

Boss: -smirks- You two have fun now -walks off to presumably buy a more non-breakable house-

Fel: -looks at fen- You owe me

Fen: But you’re the one who dug the holes!

Fel: I've saved this village from starvation; no one wants to eat spinach...

Fen: Err...right... (Actually anything other than apples and bread would be nice...)

Fel: Anyway, we're getting out of that barn for the night; I need a good bed...and even better booze...

Fen: You’re paying for the room right?

Fel: Well what do you expect to pay with, your good looks?

Fen: You have a point there...

Fel: -toothy grin- Besides you smell like shit.

Fen: Well I don’t exactly have a shower now do I.

Fel: No but taverns do! And you know what else taverns have? Alcohol! And you know what else they have?

Fen: Food?

Fel: Yeses, good shit farmer.

Fen: But I’m a spinic- ohhh....

Fel: Yeeees, -practically drags fen by the arm- Now we're going to get you cleaned up and presentable to something other than Farm Animals and Hammered Women.

Fen: Ow ow ow! Why are you being so nice to me?! It’s Scary!

Fel: Because I don’t want to lay on sharp pokey hay and you gave me a place to hide for awhile

Fen: Oh ok.......Hide?

Fel: Err...I meant Sleep....

-1 hour later they're at the tavern, Fennrich is all cleaned up-

Fen: Feels nice to not smell like dirt, grime, animal feces...dirt

Fel: Yeeeep, Bathing is a wonderful thing isn’t it?

Fen: Hey I bathed before...in the river...without shampoo...or soap...with the crabs...

Fel: Yeeeep, I bet you have, -slams her hands on the table as she gets up- I’m gonna get drunk! You seriously make me want to drink.
-She gets up and out of the table and begins to head to the bar-

Fen: -stops Felicia by the arm- Hey uh...Felicia ...do you think I could get a little...something something too?

Fel: Huh? *you* drink alcohol?

Fen: I haven’t till now but I have a million other reasons to drink...

Fel: Well if you can stand it I was going to get some strong ale, that isn’t distilled from spinach.

Fen: Alrighty then, it’s time to drown my sorrows...

Fel: You’re a real barrel of sunshine -pats him on the back and walks up to the bar-

-She approaches the bar as she sees a few familiar banners she’s not particularly happy to see, outside the taverns bar side window, she does her best to motion to the barkeeper to speed things up as she brisk fully makes her way back to her seat hiding under the table-

Fen: Uhm...Felicia....just what the hell are you doing?

Fel: Err....I found a shiny...but it was just a broken piece of glass...

Fen: Oh I see...and it has nothing to do with those burly muscly armed men showing around a wanted poster that suspiciously looks like you

Fel: Nope'

Fen: ....Ok...You've paid for my bath....so I won’t ask any questions

Fel: -gets up from under the table and looks out the window to see if they're gone-

Fen: .....Ok screw it, who the hell are you?

Fel: Err...just a travelling minstrel down on her luck

Fen: I thought you said you had butt loads of gold and that your parents were heroes and the inventors of magic

Fel: ....Goddamnit stop finding fault in my lies!

Fen: Come on Felicia....just tell me...

Fel: ....If I tell you have to swear on your soul you won’t turn me in

Fen: Oh this oughta be good...fine fine I promise on my soul I won’t turn you in...For what that’s worth...

Fel: Alright...it is true, I am the daughter of heroes...unbelievable as that may be in fact I’m almost the exact opposite, I've never been one for heroics or good deeds that didn’t pay.

Fen: Ohhh let me guess...you used mommy and daddies powers and became a mercenary and you pissed off the wrong crime organization...

Fel: ....Well....I mean that’s not far from the truth...actually sort of spot on......yeah...

Fen: -doom- you mean to tell me....that you’re wanted...and I hid you in my bar-...HOME! And you didn’t think to tell me any of this when we first met!?

Fel: Nope' After all, Snitches get Stitches...

Fen: Not very trusting are you?

Fel: You think I'd trust a simple farmhand like you to not turn me in for all those shiny gold pieces?

Fen: ....I see your point

Fel: There ya go, now that I’ve fed you, bathed you and given you a place to lay your head that doesn’t smell of animal poop, I think you owe me one...

Fen: Also...a good point...so...what’s keeping me from just turning you in right now?

Fel: The fact that if you do I own your soul and I’ll take it from you by force in the next 5 seconds if you so much as look at those men wrong

Fen: DUELY NOTED! -Sweat-

Fel: I’m glad we understand each other -toothy grin- Now drink up sugartits -slides him a heavy mug and pours out liquor whose rich colour and scent would be fit for the gods-

Fen: Uh...wow....this must have cost a lot...how much did this cost?

Fel: If you had to ask, you couldn’t afford it~

Fen: I don’t think I could afford it even if I didn’t ask...

Fel: Hmmm Good Point!

Fen: Finally 3 sentences where you didn’t insult me or threatened to take my life...even more so a compliment

Fel: I can easily end that streak -she lifts up her glass smugly and chugs a lug-

Fen: Err...no Thanks...-sip-

Fel: Cheers! To Harboring A Fugitive! -Cheers motion-

Fen: Uhm....Yay? -Reluctant cheers motion-

Fel: You know if you don’t want that I’ll drink it, you seem to be drinking like a virgin fucks...which is to say for the first time

Fen: You’re...not very lady like are you?

Fel: OHHHH WHAT GAVE IT AWAY!?

Fen: The fact in the past 48 hours you've collapsed a house, threw me across a barn, dug up an entire farm in an hour, you swear worse than a sailor and now I’m just figuring out you’re a mercenary and wanted fugitive....

Fel: Guilty as charged! But at least I smell better than a Sailor, well better dressed too, and most sailors aren’t girls, besides I much rather be a PIRATE!

Fen: Uh...isn’t that illegal?

Fel: Do I Care?

Fen: Well...it’s just that you've been fighting criminals...I didn’t think you'd ...you know become one yourself

Fel: I’m not a hero; I do things for money, power and status...

Fen: Status? You’re a Mercenary and your PARENTS are HEROS they have HERO status!

Fel: ...what’s your point?

Fen: What’s my point? What’s my point!? I'd KILL to be a HERO!

Fel: Oh really? Because the way you've been mentally whipped all this time by your boss and family makes me think you couldn’t kill a pile of shit to save your life!

Fen: -suddenly depressed- You’re right....I’d be the worst hero ever...even you'd make a better hero....

Fel: -Vein- Now just what the fuck is that supposed to imply...

Fen: Uhh! I mean! YOU’RE A BETTER HERO THEN ME PLEASE DONT HURT ME! -Cowers under the table-...

Fel: Hrmmm...

Fen: Er....you’re not gonna hurt me?

Fel: -dejectedly turns her head away- Just get the hell up and drink your booze, I didn’t pay good money for you to waste it

Fen: Er...o...Kay...-slowly and cautiously gets out from under the table and sips his from his mug-

-A few minutes of awkward silence ensues before Felicia gets an idea-

Fel: Hrmmm...Say fen...

Fen: Er...Yes Felicia?

Fel: What would I tell you if I could turn you from a miserable pile of blood sack and bones to a full blown hero? You said you'd...kill for that right?

Fen: Well Felicia you have to realize I was just kidding I mean I really coulden-

Fel: Quit your yammering and listen to something other than your tiny bladder before wetting the bed tonight, if you want a chance to pay me back and redeem yourself from this impoverished hellhole is this. You’re gonna get rid of them there baddies outside!

Fen: ....Your ...kidding...right?

Fel: I’m not drunk enough to think I’m a comedian yet, so no I’m not, you wanna do it or what? They're literally bottom of the barrel scum of the earth; I could take them with a single finger what makes you so afraid of them?

Fen: THE FACT IM NOT THE DEVIL!

Fel: Hmmm from demon to devil...i like it...-shakes her head- ANYWAY! They’re drunk, stupid and best of all unarmed; in other words, a child could take them on.

Fen: ...Would...that child happen to be you?

Fel: -face palms- you know what -hands him an inexpensive dagger and hoist him up by his shirt collar and pants- GET OUT THERE AND DEFEND MY HONOUR! -Tosses him through a window-

Fen: OH GODS WHY! -Plop-

Bandit numero uno: Hunh?

Fen: -gets up and dusts self off- ....ahem...uh...IAM FENRICH THE IMMORTAL! MY AMBITION WILL BE KNOWN ALL THROUGH OUT THe-....land...-the bandits all circle fennrich- ....uh....Fenrich the immortal is feeling suddenly ill...he has to go now...-trys to sneak away but one grabs him by the collar slaps some metal cufflinks on him and drags him away- WAAAAH SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEE!

Fel: ....-face palm- Godammit...welp it was nice knowing him...I guess it’s time to take my exit -she gets up to sneak out the back door with her sword-

Fel: -she makes her way to the door and takes a quick double take back...and pinches the bridge of her nose- ....ughhhh....I’m gonna have to save him....
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Posted 1/8/13 , edited 1/8/13
All I'll say at this point is that it needs work. The dialogue between characters especially and some word choices. Not sure if this will help or not but here's an interaction between the main character, also the narrator, and another character of a story I'm working on.

"...The door opened for me, they must have known I was coming and knowing how much of a great new addition I'd be to them they decided to welcome me with open arms! But then reality hit me when I couldn't stop and collided headfirst into the swinging door. It knocked me on my butt and as I sat there contemplating why I wasn't the center of the universe anymore there was a loud hmph! from somewhere in front of me.
“You know, Avariella, you should really watch where you're going, you're getting in others' way,” a voice said in an annoyed tone that sounded all too familiar, “I don't have time to help you up because I, Aimée Belrose, must prepare for my Guardian Assignment.”
“Hey Bread-roll, you should be more respectful towards your betters.” I responded smirking my lips.
“Hmph! I don't have time to argue with an imperious Italian connard, get out of my way!” She stormed past me down the hall towards the dorms. Good riddance. What's a connard anyway?
Aimée Belrose, a Wingless just like me and one with a prissy self-centered attitude. Not to mention she's so short. From what I know about her she was from a wealthy French family somewhere in Chambord. I bet that she died from choking on a croissant. Her french accent was so high up her nose I'm surprised she hadn't had a nasal infection yet...."

Here's another example:

"...Her blond pigtails and blue eyes also gave it away. She also drags out her words like she doesn't want a single one to escape from her mouth.
“Where are your parents? I'm sure they're worried abou-”
“They're not worried about me because they aren't here! They're gone. Not coming back OK,” Her voice was breaking down. “I don't need them anymore! I'll be fine on my own!”
“You know, I'm looking for a place to stay and I have enough for two people.” Enough? Enough what?!
“Do you want to stay with me? I don't bite!” My smile got wider and there was more cheer in my voice than needed. Did I sound fake?
Instead of a response I got a kid gazing intensely into a brochure, head downcast and tears forming at the corner of her eyes. But, she was nodding and that meant yes, so I offered my hand. She handed me the brochure after she calmed down. It was for an apartment, probably the one across the street she was peering at. The sun must be in her eyes too.
“This is perfect, let's go there together shall we?” I turned and started across the street.
“Hold it!”
Catching this, I turned around to see a scene out of some romantic comedy. Pig-Tail's face was all red, hands shaking, a quivering frown on her face like she'd just found out I'd spent all our date money on comic-books. She pointed her finger into my face, or tried to anyway.
“Suppose' to hold hands when crossing streets!”
What are you, my mother?
“Oh, I'm sorry.... is this better?”
I grabbed her hand and the look on her face read “Good job!”. Who's the older one here again?! Someone?! Anyone?!
“Now, let's go!" She let out a loud giggle, catching me off guard.
“Hey, wai- ahh!” She jumped up and started racing across the street, pulling me behind her. I thought I was the leader.
The self-nominated leader lead us to the building with the signs I still couldn't read and opened the door. A food serving place? What?! I thought we were going to an apartment?!
“Ummmm..” Looking around, the place was very plain. I think a sushi place. Privately owned.
“I'm Hungary.”
“Hungary? You mean hungry?”
“What else would I mean?”
Oh, I don't know – the country!?
“And? You want me to do what?” I bent down to look at her.
“Buy me something.” Looking back up she was stone-faced, her mind off somewhere else. Probably towards the smell of the food.
“No!”
“But... but... you said you had enough!”
“I meant for the apartment, not for snacks!”
“Pleeeeease?”
“I already said-”
“Why not?”
“Because-”
“Because why not?”
“Ugh, ok, if I get you something will you please stop?”
“Yay! You're the bestest ever!”
I went up to the counter to order something, anything, while Pig-Tails situated herself in a nearby booth. Glancing back, the top of her head barely reached over the tabletop. This kid..."
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Posted 1/10/13
thank you for finnally giving me some feedback. I will take your suggestions into consideration
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Posted 6/10/13
Summer forum cleaning! To keep the forums neat and tidy we only keep 6 months worth of threads since its June 10, 2013 [6/10/13] we will keep only keep posts open from January 10, 2013 [1/10/13]. Please feel free to recreate any thread closed, as long as someone else didn't open another similar one before you.
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