I agree. I think so too. As I have been trying to tell before. I made a vow with myself. ''You have to take responsibility now'' No matter what your family say. No matter what anyone say. No matter what mess you are in. I want a life that I can call a life. I have been living up to that ever since. Be a part of the society. Do something for it and get something in return. I also wanted power. Power to change my life. Power to help other people. In the end I was just risking my own privacy. That didn't mean that I would to try if I could. Getting that helpless feeling made me start thinking a lot. I was despising myself for helping me out of this alone. Even then people said I was selfish and arrogant. I took every word as an insult because they didn't understand. They probably never did. Now I only wish for one thing. Love. Establish a network of friends, find a girl, get education, start working. All those standard procedures of dailylife that most people have to do. This might sound pretty common but I am really deep into life. I have been through a lot. I always wished to become healthy again. Healthy mental state and healthy within my body. Without my heart I could only rely on my music. Feelings, memories and regets where just going deeper inside of me while I just acted like nothing was wrong. Until Christmas 2013 and New Years Eve. I could not stand it anymore. I was hating myself so much. I said: ''Damn you man! Why did you do that? No stop don't say that to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Come on. Trust me. We can do this. I am not giving up. I want to live. I really want to live. I know it can be good. Just take this step. Make your desicion. ''
After that I quit games and started changing my lifestyle. Those spaces that were coffe and games is now tea and anime. Those spaces that were games is now internet and a reunion with my family. I had my knife so close my throat. My body would not stand it anymore. My heart would not stand anymore of this sorrow. I really didn't have any choices back then. Only the unfair thought of this mess I was stuck in.
How can I possible make this out all alone. With my own decisions and intutions? I want to feel again. Like colours, like nature and this earth. Almost died by pneumonia and had pharma drugs in my blood and brain for almost 8 years. If I get ill again I am not sure if I can resolve a situation like this ever again. This was my last wish. I had to do something and I did. I started value every single second, minute, days. Everything I got from people. Everything I had in possesion.
I don't wanna die of sorrow. I still have things I want to do. I wish to go to Japan. Be a musician. Find my love. Start anew and a lot more...