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Post Reply Running from your Mind
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M / Local Interstella...
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Posted 3/19/13
Let me know what you think, all criticism welcomed

Running from your Mind
___________________________________________________________

There's a man running through the forest.

The forest is his love.

His love is his soul.

His soul is dark.

The darkness is the forest.

The forest of which he runs.



He runs from a gentleman.

A gentleman with a gun.

This gun is his fear.

His fear keeps him running,

His running is pointless.

The fear approaches him.



It begins to rain.

The rain is his tears,

His tears of sorrow.

Sorrow from pain.

Pain from his life.

His life is his problem.



The man slips in mud.

His face lands down.

A pile of sticks,

Like spikes in his face,

Making him bleed.

The blood mixes with his tears.



He continues his run,

His running still pointless.

He falls from exhaustion.

He can barley move.

The rain gets harder.

The gentleman with the gun is upon him.



He stands up winded.

The rain in his face,

It's burning his wounds,

Wounds that will never heal.

As the gentleman draws,

The man begins to pray.



The gentleman points the gun.

The man is now shivering.

Shivering from the gun,

The gun that will take his life.

The gentleman pulls the trigger,

The man falls into the dirt.



The man lays in the rain.

He thinks of his life.

But he no longer cares for it.

Everything gets dark.

He can no longer see.

Such was his dream...



The man sits in a room.

The room is padded,

The padding is white.

He cant move his arms,

His arms are in a jacket.

He sits patently, waiting for his freedom.
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23 / M / Hughesville, Penn...
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Posted 3/19/13
It is very good.
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M / Local Interstella...
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Posted 3/19/13 , edited 3/19/13
He ran from his previous looming problems, and likely his resultant illness that put him in his current location. He feared death, but wished for it. He knew there was so much to live for, but he would most likely never live a life with such things having been broke, shafted by society, and imbued with mental illness by all of the stress and his predisposition to such things. Trapped in his padded room, he dreams of his past emotions and a release which he can now only be granted by time...

Edit: I wrote this in freshman year of high school, now 9 years ago I believe. I had more somewhere, but have failed to find them. It's odd reading this now and thinking about my previous days and mindsets. Thanks for the comments!
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F / Pennsylvania
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Posted 3/19/13
I didn't even that it was a poem until like half way through
but it's good, cause it made me thing
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20 / F / Somewhere fun
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Posted 3/19/13
I truly like this poem. Especially the end.
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24 / M / The Raggedy Edge
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Posted 3/19/13
It's dark... Although the content of a poem is subject only to its author. As for the wording thing I'll point the 'of' in the sixth line of the first stanza, given the context I feel that 'in' would be more appropriate. Similarly the sixth line of the third stanza again I feel 'despair' fits better than problem. On from that and to ruthlessly butcher the fourth stanza, making me feel like some snide literary editorial. Perhaps 'His face first meets the ground' over 'His face lands down', 'Upon broken branches' over 'A pile of sticks' and 'As thorns to mar his face' over 'like spikes in his face'... Ah. I think I'll stop now, but although you said all criticism welcomed every 'suggestion for improvement' I make gives me the feeling I'm smacking you with a thesaurus.
Posted 3/19/13
Call me an elitist jerk but I don't think this is poetry... It's written in verse, but they're all simple sentences.

It's like when I write
like this and call it haiku
when it's really not.

I hate it when people do that.
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17 / M / Georgia - GA
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Posted 3/19/13

demongurrl13 wrote:

Call me an elitist jerk but I don't think this is poetry... It's written in verse, but they're all simple sentences.

It's like when I write
like this and call it haiku
when it's really not.

I hate it when people do that.


anything which you put your heart into is poetry be it words or actions or expressions anything and everything can be poetry
Just because its not in Shakespearean or whatever does not mean its not poetry
Posted 3/19/13

Gotenz wrote:

anything which you put your heart into is poetry be it words or actions or expressions anything and everything can be poetry
Just because its not in Shakespearean or whatever does not mean its not poetry


My degree would beg to differ...
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20 / M
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Posted 3/19/13
Damn. It's long but good.
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17 / M / Georgia - GA
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Posted 3/19/13

demongurrl13 wrote:


Gotenz wrote:

anything which you put your heart into is poetry be it words or actions or expressions anything and everything can be poetry
Just because its not in Shakespearean or whatever does not mean its not poetry


My degree would beg to differ...


lol FORGIVE MY IGNORANCE "Sensei"
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17 / M / Georgia - GA
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Posted 3/19/13

thekevin4 wrote:


demongurrl13 wrote:


Gotenz wrote:

anything which you put your heart into is poetry be it words or actions or expressions anything and everything can be poetry
Just because its not in Shakespearean or whatever does not mean its not poetry


My degree would beg to differ...


Knowledge pwn


im pretty much mind blown right now how can i make a comeback when the guy has a degree... damn the guys practically Edgar Allen Poe
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15 / M / Kemonomimi Land
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Posted 3/19/13
"The gun that will take his life"-

Hmm... I don't know why, but that line just doesn't flow. Other than that, WOW!
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19 / F / Tiphares
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Posted 3/19/13 , edited 3/19/13

TripleBakaKimidori wrote:

"The gun that will take his life"-

Hmm... I don't know why, but that line just doesn't flow. Other than that, WOW!


I can't believe it's not butter! WOW!

...

Wait...
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Posted 8/3/13
I got somewhat distracted with the replies you got for your poem. But nevertheless, I like it.
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