Post Reply So I'm Starting a Story...
Brainiac
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Posted 5/28/13
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to force my reading on anybody! I would like however for some help, since I seem to leave some things out of the story. This seems like a good place to put it, since everybody is very smart and such. Thanks in advance!

Chapter One: Catching the Cat in its own Bag
(This chapter is inconsistent in some ways, and I need to find a way to make it more appealing to the reader >.>)



Chapter Two: the Value of Life is Equal to the Souls Desire
(This chapter doesn't show character development in the way that I would like it to... but I can't find out how to show it better than is here 0,0)



Chapter Three: Rain, Rain Go Away, Come Again Another Day
(This chapter was a little rushed, and I need help finding a way to expand it...)




Chapter Four: the Origin of a Seed
(This chapter is unfinished, and at a road block .-.)



Again, thank you in advance for the help! If you can help me with any of my problems, it will be greatly appreciated, and I will grant you my blessing :3

You don't have to be kind with the critizism, if it is crap, feel free to inform me on how I can make it better! I am a starting author, and I need to learn the hard way for some things.
Posted 5/28/13 , edited 5/28/13
Now, I've only read like half of chapter one (as I'm busy atm and can't really be asked to read it at the moment), but from I have read, the dialogue coming from "The man" is much more well written then what is spoken by Jessica, and hers seems rather forced.

The hook was pretty well done and actually has me interested, so I'll come back and finish up reading it in a bit.

Nice work.

Going back, I noticed some other things:

There's way too much dialogue. Not that dialogue is bad, you just spend more time with the characters talking than with anything else.

As you stated in the ( ) of spoiler two, there's not much character development. In stories like this, where the MC is psycho/sociopathic, it's really quite hard for an author to include character development, and that's something you're going to have to overcome.
Brainiac
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18 / M / Pittsburgh PA, USA
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Posted 5/29/13

Ink-e wrote:

Now, I've only read like half of chapter one (as I'm busy atm and can't really be asked to read it at the moment), but from I have read, the dialogue coming from "The man" is much more well written then what is spoken by Jessica, and hers seems rather forced.

The hook was pretty well done and actually has me interested, so I'll come back and finish up reading it in a bit.

Nice work.

Going back, I noticed some other things:

There's way too much dialogue. Not that dialogue is bad, you just spend more time with the characters talking than with anything else.

As you stated in the ( ) of spoiler two, there's not much character development. In stories like this, where the MC is psycho/sociopathic, it's really quite hard for an author to include character development, and that's something you're going to have to overcome.


Thank you very much for reading as far as you did, I know it must have been one hell of a journey. I'm going to take your criticism into note, well note I'll add. I'm used to people saying my stories are "Amazing but need improvement" and things such as that, but I never get that cold, hard, honest truth about it and it upsets me. Again, thank you for reading as far as you did, I really appreciate the words of help!

Brainiac
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Posted 6/25/13 , edited 6/25/13
If you're willing to fix the BBcode so there's paragraphing (or at the very least put a double line space between paragraphs), I'll read it and give you some con. crit. Bear in mind I'm most of the way through writing a 600 page epic and a quarter way into a novel for a board game, so you might be a little overwhelmed by my input x:

I'ven give it a very quick scan and before reading further my main advice to you is read many more books, whether they're sci-fi, romance, fantasy, drama, whatever. I can tell from a quick glance and the amount of dialogue that you're basing a story off what you're used to seeing on television and that's not a particularly great way to learn how to write >_<
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